by heartsdesireintl | Dec 19, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Being Lovers, Parents, and Partners in the Face of a Tragic Event
by Gladys Diaz
TRAGEDY
This past weekend was a difficult one for everyone in our country, and perhaps even more so for those of us who have children. I found out about the tragedy in Connecticut late in the day, and it threw me for a swirl of emotions. I simply couldn’t believe it and could not even begin to understand it. My mind kept going between the poor babies whose lives were taken, those whose innocence was stolen by what they experienced and saw, the educators who risked it all to protect the children, and trying to imagine what the parents of the children who were killed were going through.
When my husband came home, he could see that I was upset and I told him what had happened. Immediately, we were both overcome with emotion – me in my way: tears, and he in his: silence. Our next thought was how we were going to deal with this regarding our children. How in the world were we supposed to explain something neither one of us could fathom or make sense of? And, how were we supposed to relay something so heinous to child, while, at the same time, not trying to frighten or worry them? And how were we to deal with the questions… I know my kids – especially my older son. There would be questions, and lots of them.
We decided that we would not tell them about it and we would refrain from watching the news while they were awake. In a way, we felt like we were protecting them – preserving their innocence – at least for a little while longer. At that point there were so many unverified accounts of what happened that it was best to just wait, anyway. And maybe wouldn’t say anything at all. We didn’t know. What is “the right thing to do” with something that is so wrong?
We were able to avoid discussing the topic with them all weekend and limited our own discussions about the topic. It wasn’t easy. Every time I saw a picture of a child who passed away and the family photos capturing moments of pure love and joy, or read the stories of the teachers who risked their lives to save the little ones entrusted to them, I simply lost it. And as much as I like to consider myself someone who is a positive thinker and believes in the inherent goodness of people, I struggled with anger and found it hard not to want to blame somebody – anybody – for what was happening. A lot of that was going around on the social media networks – finger-pointing, blame, hate — and I just chose not to get involved in the political aspects of the tragedy. I wanted to send my love and healing thoughts with each picture, tear, and story I read, so I chose to focus on that instead.
On Sunday morning, it occurred to me that, while my younger son is in Kindergarten (and, yes, I had to shake the terror I felt each time I realized that the babies who were killed were his age), and that perhaps many of their parents had also shielded his classmates from the news, my older son is in fourth grade, and some of the kids in his class might have more access to the television and Internet than my kids do. I asked my husband whether he thought we should tell the kids what happened, sans all the details. We agreed to think about it and we’d decide that evening. The truth is that neither one of us wanted to be the one to start the discussion.
When evening finally came, I asked my husband again what he thought. He said he was worried, especially about our older son, who also has a mild form of autism and can get very upset and perseverate on a topic for days. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him I didn’t want to tell them everything, but that I also didn’t want them to hear something from another kid who might not have all of the details correct.
TEARS
So we chose to speak to our kids about what happened. They both had questions – about where Connecticut was, what happened to the bad guy, whether some of the kids were able to escape – and we answered them as best we could. We kept the answers simple, and, when we didn’t know the answers, we said so.
Our older son’s first question was, “Are the kids okay?”
(My husband and I looked at each other. He nodded.) “No, honey. They’re not.”
Our younger son (5) was sad and got very quiet. Our older son (9.5) was angry and very outspoken.
“What kind of madman would hurt little, innocent kids, right before Christmas?!?” (I couldn’t agree more.)
Our older son was glad to hear the bad guy couldn’t hurt anyone else (telling him that the gunman “hurt himself” was another topic I wish I didn’t have to talk about), and he had a few ideas about what should have been done to stop him (security-wise) and done to him (throwing him in a volcano full of lava kept coming up).
At prayer time, we always thank God first and then ask Him to help the poor, people at war, our sponsored child, and people on our prayer list. Our older son was still angry and began thanking God that the killer was dead. I explained that we are all angry and hurt and confused, and that it’s okay to feel that way, but that, if we want a world full of love and peace, we also need to pray loving and peaceful prayers and be loving and peaceful ourselves. So, he closed his eyes, took a breath, and thanked Jesus for his toys, that Christmas is around the corner, that some of the kids were saved, and for being able to spend Christmas with his family (his eyes began to water and he hugged me). Then he asked that God please give the mommies and daddies of the little kids a second chance to be happy. His eyes teared up and he hugged me again. He said he wants to write a letter to the parents and the school and send them $10 (a lot of money in his world). I said we would do that.
I wiped his tears and said, “Thank you for loving other people. You’re a good heart. A beautifully good heart. “ He smiled.
I kissed the area of his chest over his heart and said my own prayer of thanks that he was in my arms and I could do that. I was very aware of the fact that at least 20 other parents were longing to do the same with their children that night.
“Good night, my baby. Have sweet dreams”
“Good night, Mama.”
And, as I walked out of his room the tears of sadness, fear, love, and gratitude began to fall all at once!
TEAMWORK
This was not an easy conversation to have with our children, and I hope we never have to worry about having one like it again. I am, however, happy with the way my husband and I handled it. It felt like, even though our initial reactions were different (sadness vs. anger), we were on the same page.
That’s not always the case in our marriage, as in virtually every other relationship. Sometimes he had an idea for how we should explain something or discipline the kids that is different from mine. Sometimes we differ in how we want to approach a decision, make a purchase, or what we want to do with the kids on the weekend. In the past, when this would happen, I would “argue” my point, give my “opinion,” and, I’m embarrassed to say, I would do whatever I thought was best, completely disregarding my husband’s ideas. I was the teacher, I knew kids better than he, and I was always “right.” And it cost me with regard to the intimacy in my marriage. Big time.
Now I know that, while I still have a right to my own thoughts and opinions, I’m not always right. My husband is another human being in this relationship, and he’s entitled to his own ideas, even if I don’t always agree with them. I have learned that the man I chose to marry would lay down his life for my kids and me, and that I can trust him to make good choices and put our needs first. I don’t have to “defend” or prove that my ideas are valid. I can state them and then we can come to an agreement together, or agree to disagree. By respecting and honoring his thoughts and decisions, our parenting has become much more about teamwork and partnership, and our kids benefit from seeing that, not only do their parents love them, but they also respect and love each other.
And, in a world where it seems like things are out of control, and where it doesn’t always feel safe, I’m glad and grateful that we are able to give them the reassurance that comes with living in a peaceful loving home where they know that we are here, we are a team, that they are safe, and so is their family!
Our heartfelt condolences go to the families of everyone who has been touched by this terrible tragedy. Words cannot begin to provide comfort in such tragic situations, but I hope they will somehow feel the love we are sending their way.
Comments? Questions? Please share them below! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: PhotgraTree via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 18, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
TONIGHT at 9:00pm Eastern/6:00pm Pacific
Make YOUR 2013 New Year’s Resolutions
for the Love, Relationship and Marriage You Want!
We will spend one magical hour devoted to helping you clarify your love and relationship desires, shaping them into intentions and resolutions, and defining the simple steps to create the relationship you’ve always wanted.
Here’s How it Works:
Come to the call with your homework ready. Just answer this question:
What do you want your love life to be like in 2013?
Don’t worry if you’re not sure what you really want. By the end of the call you’ll be inspired, your intentions will be crystal clear and you’ll know exactly what action to take to make your desire a reality.
To come to this one-time event, sign up for Intimacy Skills Training here!
Your $10 registration fee includes an entire month of Intimacy Skills Training, but space is limited to the first 30 women. We’re keeping the party intimate.
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The difference between a “good love life” and a “great love life” is having the relationship your heart desires!
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Photo credit: Sprengben via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 11, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
The other night, we held our monthly Intimacy Skills Training Webinar. The topic of the webinar was “How to Get More Help, Gifts, and Compliments: The Magic of Gratitude. Being on the call was – in a word – magical! In just a few minutes of doing two exercises, all of us on the call were able to experience a “shift” in the energy around us – and this was a virtual meeting with women from all over the world.
In the first exercise, we walked through a few “less-than-desirable” scenarios and looked to see what it was that we could be thankful for. It was amazing how we were able to find things to be grateful for, even when a guy arrives late for a date without calling to say he’s going to be late; when our man chooses to invite a friend who just broke up with his fiancé to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner; and when our guy changes a light bulb 3 weeks after he said he would, and after we tripped on the stairs (true story!). It was wonderful to see all of the things that the women were typing into the chat box as reasons for which to be grateful in situations where we could just as easily choose to be upset, make sure he felt guilty about doing something “wrong,” and potentially end up in a bitter argument.
(more…)
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 5, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but, yes, from time to time, I watch reality TV. Usually, it’s something inspirational, like Oprah’s Lifeclass, Iyanla, Fix My Life, or Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition. I prefer to watch reality shows that inspire the audience who is watching to make similar changes in their own lives. And, there are shows I watch as a dating and relationship coach for “research” on what to say to my clients (and, more often, with some of the matchmaking and dating shows, what not to say to them).
There is one show that I watch that, while not it’s “inspirational,” nor does it “technically” have to do with dating and relationships, is providing more research than I expected when I began watching it: The Real Housewives of Miami. As someone who truly believes in the empowerment of women and in helping women become the best versions of themselves, I tend to stay away from drama-driven shows that depict women – or have women depict themselves – in an unfavorable light. But when I learned that someone I knew and have worked with before was going to be on the show, I was intrigued to watch!
So, what love lessons have I gleaned from watching The Real Housewives of Miami that I can share with you?
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You have to be crystal clear about what you want to experience in a relationship.
Several of the cast members, including Karent Sierra, have learned the hard way that, if you’re not 100% clear about what you want to experience in a relationship, you will “settle” for what you get. When your heart’s desire is to be married and have children, it doesn’t mean that you would never date someone who, at the beginning is not sure this is something that he wants. However, once you’ve been together a while and shared how important this is to you, if he’s still showing signs that this is not what he wants and where he is headed, don’t fool yourself by thinking that if you “love him enough,” “prove” that you’ll be a great wife and mother, or try to guilt or manipulate him into seeing how much it is hurting you to not have what you want, that you’ll somehow, eventually, change his mind. The truth is that you need to stand for what’s important to you. Giving ultimatums, making demands, and wishing and hoping that he will change his mind make it seem like it’s his choice to give you what you want to be happy, when the choice is actually yours. See, only you know how long you are willing to wait to have the life your heart desires, and, eventually, you may need to make the courageous decision, as Karent did, to move on, knowing that there is someone out there (who, by the way, is already looking for you) who will not only love and cherish you for the amazing woman you are, but who is also willing to step into your life and make the relationship of your dreams a reality for both of you!
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When it’s over, it’s time to move on – Really move on.
As strong and powerful a woman as Ana Quincoces is, it’s hasn’t been easy watching her pain as she comes to terms with her marriage coming to an end – a real end. She and her husband, Robert, have been separated and even dating other people for a while, but it wasn’t until the episode a few weeks ago, when Ana moved out of the law office they had been sharing for years, that we were able to see just how painful it was for her to really come to terms with the end of the marriage, the business partnership, and all of the hopes and dreams they shared when they first began their life together. It was nice to see her vulnerable side – not because I was glad she was experiencing pain – but because it was refreshing to see that the divorce was a big deal to her, and that she was finally beginning to let go and really begin to move forward with her new life. See, fear keeps us holding onto the past – whether it’s holding on to an unhealthy relationship, because, as uncomfortable as is, it’s what familiar and what we’ve grown accustomed to; holding on to the memories of what used to be, because we are afraid to stake a step into the unknown future; or holding on to a person, because we’re afraid that either he will find the love of his life with another, or we’re afraid that we won’t. Fear keeps us stuck and doesn’t allow us to experience the joy and love that are our birthright! Only when we are willing to let go – really let go – of the past, can we create space in our lives to experience something new… Something that is completely free of the constraints of the past and launches us into a new life – and a new love – that has just been waiting for us to be ready to step into it!
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Don’t allow your fears to cheat you out of experiencing the love you desire and deserve!
Moving on and learning to love again is scary, and Adriana De Moura would probably use the word “terrifying”! It wasn’t until the episode where she threw a 50th Anniversary party for her fiancé, Fredric’s, parents, that we could hear her longing to have a loving, passionate relationship that last for a lifetime. Adriana was so vulnerable when she shared how afraid she is of really committing to Fredric and marrying him. Her fear is understandable. One of the scariest aspects of being in a relationship is that there are no guarantees. Loving requires taking an emotional risk. When we choose to open our hearts again – particularly after having been hurt by infidelity, or because the person we fell in-love with simply is not the one willing to step in and helps us make our dreams come true – it takes an incredible amount of courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable again. We tend to put on this “take-it-or-leave-it” air about how we feel about love and relationships, and we deny ourselves – and the man that we are with – the gift of giving 100% of ourselves to him and the relationship. We hold back, distance ourselves from our desires, and use the pain from the past to stop us from experiencing the love that is waiting for us here and now, in the present. We cheat ourselves from experiencing what love can be because of the fear that we will get hurt again. We need to be willing to take that step. Yes, we might experience heartache again… But you know what? We already know we can survive it, because we already have! So, all there is to do is take a courageous step, open our hearts, and open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing a love that surpasses even our wildest dreams!
There are many more love lessons I’ve learned from watching this show, and I’ll share more on the next blog post.
For now, if you have comments or questions you’d like to share, please feel free to do so below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of imagerymajestic via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Nov 30, 2012 | Dating, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Working with women from around the world of all ages and in all stages of relationships – single, dating, and married – it’s always interesting to see some of the things we all share in common. One of the things that we’ve found is how quickly we women tend to “sell-out” on ourselves and on what we really want.
We tend to think that it’s “humble” or “generous” to put other people’s needs above our own. We tend to put aside what we want, thinking that it will somehow make us appear more loving. We’ll even deny that we want something – like being in a loving, happy, fulfilling, and passionate relationships — and then wonder why we’re not in one!
One of the first things we do when we work with single women is to get them focused on what they want in a relationship. And, please, note that I said what they want, not who they want. It’s not about the guy. It really isn’t! It’s about YOU and what you want to experience in a relationship. It’s about getting really real with yourself and stop pretending that you don’t want to be in the type of relationship where you feel loved and protected and simply adored!
Because here’s the truth, ladies:
If you don’t know what you want, you’ll settle for what you think you can get!
There’s nothing “wrong” with wanting to be in a great relationship – one that is filled with love, intimacy, honesty, open communication, and passion! Thinking that wanting to love and be loved by someone somehow makes you “weaker” or less powerful is not only total BS, but it’s more damaging than you think! Anytime we deny ourselves something that our heart truly desires, we are being completely inauthentic with ourselves and others, impacting our sense of vitality (the feeling of being alive), and causing resentment to grow. On the surface, it may seem like we resent men, saying that they “don’t know what they want,” or “can’t commit,” but the truth is that the resentment filling our hearts – making them hard and cold – is really resentment toward ourselves. We may be able to pretend and lie to others, but we know our own heart’s desires.
We know that, if we could put our fears aside – just for a bit – and get real with ourselves about what we want and what would make us truly happy, a loving, fulfilling relationship would be right at the top of that list! And, make no mistake about it, it’s fear that makes us want to pretend that we’re “fine” without being in a relationship.
So, what is it that we’re so afraid of?
- We’re afraid that admitting wanting to be in a relationship makes us “weak” and threatens our independence. Wanting to be in a great relationship doesn’t mean you’re unable to take care of yourself. It just means you don’t have to – not all the time, anyway! You will still be able to take care of your needs, provide for yourself, and be a capable, strong, and powerful woman. The difference is that, there’s someone there who is willing to contribute to your life and who, during the times when you’re not feeling completely “invincible,” is there to provide you with a shoulder to lean on, encouragement, and place to call home.
- We’re afraid that we’ll “lose” our identity. Many women are so used to turning themselves inside out and all the way around to try to fit into the image of what they think the guy they are with wants in a woman that they feel like they “lose” themselves every time they are in a relationship. Some are afraid that they’ll have to somehow sacrifice their professional success and all the things they’ve worked so hard to achieve to be in a relationship. The man who will step in and fulfill your dreams is going to fall in-love with YOU – ALL of you! You don’t need to pretend or “perform” or try to do anything to impress him. He’s going to be attracted to the irresistible woman you are.
- We’re afraid we won’t get what we want. One of the main reasons we deny what we want is because, on some level, we think we won’t get it. We’re so afraid of being disappointed or heartbroken that we’ll actually choose to go at it alone, to hide the fact that we long to be loved and accepted for who we are, and we’ll put on an air of invincibility to hide from and protect our vulnerability. Many of us also believe that in order to have this wonderful relationship, we’ll have to “sacrifice” the happiness we have in another. This is why so many women will deny tht they want a relationship and throw themselves, into succeeding in their careers. This at least makes them feel financially secure and gives them the sense that they can at least have some control over their “happiness. This fear that we’ll have to choose between professional success and having a fulfilling romantic life perpetuates our belief that we’re not able to have everything what desire for our lives. So we create a self-fulfilling prophecy and gather evidence to support our belief that we’ll never get what we want, anyway, so why bother?
Moving past these fears can be difficult, because they are hidden. They are so hidden, in fact, that we’re not even aware that they exist! Rather than being able to see that our fear of being hurt, taken advantage of, or unloved is simply a thought we have, we believe that our fears are real and we will say that we’re perfectly happy being alone, even though we know in our hearts that we really do want to share our lives with someone who loves us as much as we love them! So we live our lives allowing the fears to take over, and instead of creating and living in the life of our dreams, we sell out and settle for what we think we can get.
AND it doesn’t have to be this way!
Helping women to see and remove the fears that are stopping them is only part of the amazing work we’ll be doing in our new course “Being ‘The Invincible Woman’ at Work and ‘The Irresistible Woman’ in Your Love Life!” In this course, women will begin to uncover the fears that have been stopping them from attracting the love their hearts desire. Once uncovered, we will begin to dismantle the fear, clear it out of the way, and create a new opening through which love can enter! We’ll also be discussing how to transition from being “invincible” in the workplace (which really works at work, since it helps us soar to the top of our industry or profession and achieve professional success) to becoming the irresistible woman in your love life. You’ll learn about the “business skills” that propel us in the workplace but intimacy in a relationship. And we’ll show you how to step into becoming the woman you were created to be – a loving, empowered, woman who embraces her feminine energy and is absolutely irresistible to men so that you can attract the man who is perfect for you!
So, register now to secure your spot and take a step toward making 2013 the year that your every dream and heart’s desires become realities!
P.S. If you missed the free Teleclass we held on Wednesday on “Having it ALL!: Being ‘The Invincible Woman’ in the Workplace and ‘The Irresistible Woman’ in Your Love Life!” not to worry, you can listen to the recording by clicking here!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you! 🙂
