by heartsdesireintl | Oct 31, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.”
~ Brian Tracy
When we ask women what they are looking for in a relationship, many times, they will say that they want to find someone who will love and accept them exactly the way they are. Putting aside that this is more about “who” they are looking to attract, rather than the experience they want to create (see our blog post on giving up “the checklist” and what to do once you’ve given up the checklist), what I hear in their responses is that they just want someone to love them. They want to be in a relationship with someone who will not try to “fix” or “change” them, someone with whom they can be themselves.
In the end, I think that’s what we all want – both women and men!
Here’s the thing. As we’ve shared in previous posts, we need to BE what we want to see in our relationships. Many times, although we want to be loved and accepted for who we are, we forget that, in order to attract someone with whom we can create a loving and accepting relationship – where both of us can be who we are, free of fear of judgment – then we need to BE loving and accepting ourselves. We need to see someone – with all of their quirks, and habits, ideas, and ways of being – and offer the same selfless acceptance we want to receive. And this is where many times I see a “disconnect” between what women say they want and who they are willing to be.
I read a lot of dating and relationship blogs as part of my own personal development. As much as I don’t always like the content, I also watch a few reality shows, as a way to study the dynamics between the men and women on the shows. So many times, I am just floored by how quickly women interpret a guy’s mistake as a sign that he’s “a loser,” he’s “playing games,” or he’s “not marriage material.” The fear of “wasting her time” and/or getting hurt, has the woman discount, disregard, and totally tear apart the poor guy in her blog post.
Or I’ll see women telling their husbands, boyfriends, or dates how they should dress, speak, act, and react on national TV in a totally disrespectful, “parental,” and, quite frankly, unattractive way. And I usually rewind back to the moment when this happened and just watch how the men’s facial expressions and body language change. I can physically see them look down, slump a little, sometimes look shocked, and other times see them completely shut down.
The act of unconditional love – they type of love we all want to create and experience – includes accepting all of who that person is. It means embracing the parts of the person we love and the parts we don’t. It means extending understanding and forgiveness in the same measure we hope to receive it. It means keeping in mind that our guy is not “fixer-upper project.” He is who he is. And he may choose to change, but the choice to change is his and, if you’ve promised to love him, then you promised to love him – the good, the not-so-good, and everything in between.
We can only receive unconditional love to the extent that we are willing to give it. We can only attract to ourselves that which we are being. And the “bonus” in all of this – what makes it a win-win – is that, since we’re not expecting “perfection,” then we don’t have to be perfect. Since we are being generous and gracious in our understanding and forgiving, then we can experience what it’s like to receive that, too. And that, since we are being the best version of ourselves, we can experience the type of happiness, intimacy, and tenderness our hearts truly desire and deserve!
How will you bring love and acceptance to your relationships?
Photo credit: samcaplat via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 30, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.”
– Robert Anderson
One of the first things we tell the women who we coach or who attend our workshops is that, if you’re going to play, play to win. What does that mean? Sometimes, when things in a relationship are not going as well as the woman would like them to, particularly if the couple has been struggling for a while, although they are attending a workshop or receiving coaching in an effort to turn things around, their actions and words point to the fact that they are trying to “get out.” They’re listening to the coaching, but from a context that things are not going to change anyway.
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 29, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Last week, a “cyber-friend” of mine lost her husband. Although it was a virtual friendship that started when she heard me speak at a business woman’s networking event, we did create a connection by commenting on one another’s Facebook posts. Soon after we became FB friends, I learned that her husband had been battling cancer for over 3 years. Immediately, our connection grew stronger, with me having experienced my late husband’s battle with cancer over 14 years ago.
Whenever she would write about some good news they received, I felt like I was celebrating right along with her. When they encountered a roadblock or received bad news, I was saddened along with her and tried to send words of hope and encouragement. A few weeks ago, they were given the news no one wants to hear, that there was nothing else modern medicine could do to treat her husband’s cancer. I was frightened for her. I remember hearing those words and being so unwilling to accept them. I remember praying harder than ever and begging God to keep my late husband alive. Although I continued to pray for a miracle, I was afraid for her.
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 28, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
~ Ruth Bell Graham
Another short-and-sweet blog for today.
This morning, as I browsed Facebook, I began to notice how many of the picture quotes had to do with a good marriage. I wasn’t really surprised… We attract what we give most of our attention to, and a lot of the pages I subscribe to are about relationships and marriage. But I’ve also come to believe that when I begin to see a consistent theme in the posts, it’s because I and those I serve may need to hear it. So, I try to listen to the message behind the messages in the posts. Today, the common theme was that having a great marriage – and, therefore, a relationship leading to marriage – involves making daily choices:
Choosing to love now, and now, and now… Choosing to focus on becoming the best versions of ourselves… And, the most recurring message was choosing to forgive. That’s the one I’ll focus on today.
Holding onto resentments, keeping “score” of one another’s mistakes, and making the other person “earn” your forgiveness is not about making your marriage work. It’s about being “right” and makings sure your spouse feels “wrong.” Both people in the relationship are human, and forgiveness cannot be “earned.” It is something that must be given. If you’ve been holding on to anger and resentment, try letting it go and notice the freedom you feel — the lightness — and the ability to allow love to flow freely to and from you.
Is there a past mistake that you’ve been holding against your spouse or boyfriend? Can you see what it is costing you in the form of lost intimacy, joy, and peace? Are you willing to let it go?
Photo credit: pedrosimoes7 via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 27, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
When love is accompanied with deep intimacy, it raises us to the highest level of human experience. In this exalted space, we can surrender our egos, become vulnerable and know levels of joy and well-being unique among life experiences. We attain a glimpse of the rapture that can be ours. Boundaries are blurred, there are no limitations and we rejoice in union. We become one and, at the same time, both.
~ Leo Buscaglia
It’s the weekend, so I’m keeping the blog posts “short and sweet.” I came across this quote about intimacy by Leo Buscaglia, and it sounded like poetry to me. I reread at each line and let it speak to me. I invite you to do the same.
Here’s what my heart heard:
Moments of intimacy are so powerful that you feel like you’re no longer here, in this realm. When you attain that connection – pure and intense – with another heart, it’s as if you’ve ceased to be and have entered a new dimension, where everything – even the act of breathing – is experienced as if in high-definition. And, in the space that is created, there is no need for “masks,” walls, or pretenses. We are safe to be ourselves, completely transparent. We experience joy, fulfillment, and connection so profound that we two become one without losing ourselves.
That’s what my heart heard. What did yours hear?
Photo credit: Toni Kay Photography’s photostream via photopin.com cc
The picture is titled “Two Bodies/One Love. How perfect is that?
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 26, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Love creates an us without destroying a me.”
~ Author Unknown
Perhaps one of the biggest temptations we face when we first begin dating someone we really like is wanting to spend every possible moment with that person. When we’re not physically together, we want to be on the phone, talking, hearing their voice, and basking in the knowledge that they want to be with us just as much as we want to be with them. It really is such a wonderful phase in a relationship, and it’s normal to want to soak up as much of that happiness as possible.
The problem, however, comes in when we make the other person our sole focus, and we begin to neglect or forget about the things and people in our lives who we love and enjoyed prior to becoming part of “a couple.” Perhaps we stop practicing self-care, going to the, gym, spending time with family, going out with our girlfriends, and engaging in the hobbies and activities that we have always enjoyed. This can also lead to us becoming very “clingy” and dependent upon the other person to make us feel happy, because we are no longer taking responsibility for doing the things that bring us pleasure and joy. And, as we saw in yesterday’s blog post, practicing good-self care by doing at least 3 things for ourselves that bring us pleasure and make us feel good is essential to creating our own happiness and having the patience and energy that it’s going to take to make the relationship work!
I fell into this trap myself when I first started dating my husband. I guess you could say ours was a whirlwind romance. From the night we met, to the next night (when we spoke on the phone for 7 hours) to the following night when we went on our first date, this was it! We were inseparable! And, without really noticing it, I began letting go of the activities, people, and practices that were so important to me. The fact that I was traveling for work 75% of the time also had something to do with wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, but it wasn’t until a few years into our marriage that I began to feel resentful about it. I felt like I had “lost” a part of myself and I was angry at my husband because I felt that I had changed in order for him to love me. And, it was impacting our relationship.
I’ll never forget the day that I told him, “I just feel like you suck the joy out of everything I love and enjoy.” (Talk about “Ouch”!)
The weird part of all this? He never asked me to give up the things I loved and enjoyed! I made that choice myself and I was holding it against him! The resentment I felt was displaced. I was really upset with myself for not honoring those things that made me feel happy, peaceful, and confident – the things that made me feel like “me”… The “me” he fell in love with in the first place!
It wasn’t until I began focusing on my own personal growth, practicing self-care, and doing the things that I enjoyed and was passionate about, that I started becoming “me” again. A newer, fresher version of me. And that had a very positive impact on our relationship! I was no longer blaming and making my husband responsible for my happiness or my unhappiness. I was taking responsibility for my own happiness, and that joy spilled over into every area of my life, including my family, friendships, and career!
Transitioning from being single to being in a relationship is a wonderful experience, and, yes, you want to relish in it and receive and enjoy the new-found love! You deserve it! However, just remember to stay true to yourself and who you really are. That’s who you want him to fall in love with anyway, right? The key to creating a wonderful relationship where you get to create an “us” without losing yourself is to keep your life, even though he’s in it!
Are there some areas of your life that you used to enjoy that you’ve let go of simply because you are in a relationship? If so, consider breathing life back into that hobby, friendship, or passion you once had. You and your relationship will both benefit!
Photo credit: ginnerobot via photopin.com cc
