by heartsdesireintl | Feb 8, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
For years, I put everything and everyone else’s needs ahead of my own. A part of me felt proud when I would go to work, burning up in fever, sacrifice what I wanted so that someone else could have what they wanted, and rarely ever said what I wanted, so as not to seem selfish.
Some people might describe this as being “loving,” and, to a certain extent, they are probably right. I was being very loving and generous with everyone… except myself. Then I started realizing that, in order to be able to give love, I was going to have to begin with me. I could not continue running on fumes and expecting to be the type of wife, mother, and woman I strive to be.
So I began practicing self-care… and lots of it. I began doing the things that I’d stopped doing somewhere along the line – those things that made me happy and brought me peace of mind, body, and spirit. I began reading – not for work, but for the fun of it. I began knitting and making jewelry because I love arts and crafts. I began taking courses that interested me and helped me grow spiritually and personally. I began taking bubble baths, slathering myself in lotion, and getting pedicures. And most of all, I began feeling like me again!
Now, before I give you the impression that I live a life of total leisure, I’ll let you know that I own my own business, do freelance work on top of that on the side, have two very active little boys, and do my own cooking and cleaning. I’ve just learned that I have to make myself a priority if I’m going to be able to have the patience it takes to create the kind of home, marriage, family, and career that I want!
So, how do I manage to get it all in? I plan for it! Here’s how you can, too!
1. Make a list of the things that make your heart sing.
- Include the things you used to do before you “grew up.” Did you like dancing? Did you play a sport? Did you enjoy drawing, singing, or another form of creative expression?
- Include things you like to do alone and the things you enjoy doing with your friends and family.
- Include things that make you feel soft, feminine, refreshed, and recharged, like massages, facials, lotions, doing your nails, etc.
Don’t worry about how “practical, realistic, or affordable it is for you to do this right now. Just have fun making the list!
2. Schedule time to take care of you. We are all super busy. If we begin trying to fit self-care in, I guarantee you it will be one of the first things to fall off of our very full plates. So, schedule your self-care time. You don’t have to set aside hours. Sometimes just 10 minutes of doing something you enjoy is enough to make you feel like yourself again!
3. Begin to notice the changes in you and around you. When you begin putting yourself first, you will start noticing how other people respond to you differently? Why? Because, when you’re not a stressed out, frazzled mess, you appear more peaceful, happy, and attractive. You also send a message that you care about and hold yourself in high esteem. So, don’t be surprised if you begin getting more compliments and if others, including your partner, begin helping you find ways to make sure you get your self-care in!
Taking care of ourselves is a way of loving ourselves. And there are so many different ways we can bring love to ourselves every day! For more ideas and to begin a 30-day journey to discovering self-love, read our book, 30 Days and 30 Ways to Fall In Love with YOU! In it you will find over 30 ways to love yourself and attract more love into your life! After all, the most meaningful and lasting relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhoto.net
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 1, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
By Gladys Diaz
The other day I received some news that knocked the wind out of my sails. Something I’d had my heart set on tell through, and I was devastated. Usually, I can handle difficult news pretty well, but I can honestly say I fell apart.
To make matters worse, my husband was out of town and I couldn’t just run to him and tell him what happened. He called right smack in the middle of my meltdown, and I could barely understand what I was telling him. But he listened. And that’s what I needed.
Now, after he listened, he did try to make me feel better by telling me it was probably for the best, that I’m strong, and that I’d be okay.
In the past, I would have gotten upset that he kicked into “fix-it mode.” However, I’ve learned a few things about men that kept me from telling him to stop trying to fix it!
Men want to please, provide for, and protect us!
1. Men Want to please us. Nothing makes a man happier than to know that he had something to do with the smile on the face of the woman he loves! There is an inherent desire in a man to want to please a woman, which works out great for us, since we enjoy being cherished and adored! This is why it’s important to let your man know what you like and want. Not because he then has to do it, but because it sets him up to win!
2. Men want to provide for us. Since the beginning of history, me. Have been hunters and gatherers. Their role has always been to provide for the tribe. This is why We coach women to avoid reaching for their wallets at the end of dinner or offer to pay their way if a man has made no mention of it. It’s not that we are gold diggers. It’s that, if a man has asked us out and he hasn’t mentioned going Dutch, then we trust that he has it handled. He’s figured out how where he wants to take us and how he’ll pay for it. We don’t have to question his ability to take care of us by offering to “help” him.
3. Men want to protect us. Now, before all my fellow feminists go up in arms, let me explain. I’m not insinuating that we need a man’s protection or that we can’t take care of ourselves. What I am saying is that men like to know that, if it’s within their power to do so, they can avoid having us feel hurt — either physically or emotionally. This is what has them kick into “fix-it mode” when we’re upset because we had an argument with a friend, we’re venting about our boss being unfair, or we tell him about how much we are getting charged for a repair he feels he can do himself. If he is able, a good man will do everything in his power to make sure you feel safe.
So, the next time a guy surprises you by giving you something you just happened to mention in passing, proudly reaches for his wallet when the bill gets to the table, or tells you what you need to tell your boss the next time he speaks to you like that in front of everyone, just know that you’re giving him exactly what he wants: the opportunity to please, provide for, and protect you!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 28, 2013 | Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
By Gladys Diaz
I love it when my husband pulls my chair out for me, gives me his jacket when I’m cold, and walks around the car to open my door. I love that we still dance in the kitchen (sometimes to no music at all), that we love to gross our kids out by smooching all the time (as you can see in the picture above), and that he can still make me laugh until I can’t catch my breath. I love watching him work out, catching him staring at me (or my butt), and when we look across a room at each other and connect, as if no one else there.
And I love that it’s still this way and I still feel like his girlfriend after almost 14 years! The fact is I love that I’m still dating my husband!
The phase of dating and courtship can be a fun and exciting. Getting to know someone new, going out and having a good time, and allowing him to shower you with time and attention makes the first stages of the love journey exhilarating. Unfortunately, many people believe that once you’re in a long-term relationship the fun begins to fizzle and the sex loses it sizzle.
The good news is that this does NOT have to be the case! In long-lasting relationships where both people are happy and still very much in-love, even after several years – and even decades – of marriage, you can bet that one of the main ingredient in that couple’s recipe for happiness includes FUN!
Now, don’t get me wrong. Great relationships don’t “just happen.” It’s not that some people are just “lucky.” It’s not about two people just “clicking” and everything just falling into place on its own. No. Great relationships take work, but the work doesn’t have to be “hard,” and it doesn’t even feel like work when you’re coming from the place of doing what it takes to keep your love alive.
So, what are some things we can do to keep the fun and love alive in our relationships?
- Remember. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. List out the qualities that you loved and admired. There’s a reason you chose to spend your life with him! If your relationship is in a stage right now where it’s hard to remember those times, take out old photo albums of when you were dating and let them jog your memory!
- Relive. Sometimes, a great way to relive and re-experience those moments you shared when you first started falling in love is to visit the places you visited in the beginning of the relationship – restaurants, vacation spots, the place where you shared your first kiss or where you made love for the first time. Go by yourselves on a date and relive the memories of those times together!
- Relish. It’s easy to fall into routines and begin to take things – even your spouse – for granted. Every day, take a moment to really be present with your spouse. Whether it’s stopping one another to hug in the hallway, making time to talk after the kids are in bed, or just holding one another before you get out of bed in the morning (we set our alarm 10 minutes early for snuggling time)or before you fall asleep at night. Relish those everyday moments – or, as I call them, “ordinary-extraordinary moments” – together. Allow yourself a few moments each day to feel and express the love and gratitude you feel for your spouse.
- Reignite. Yes, we have busy schedules and lots of responsibilities, but if we want our marriages to remain loving, exciting, and fun, then we’ll make time to be together and keep the love and fun alive. Make time for date nights, exercise and play together. And, yes, this includes having sex and making that fun, too! Wear something sexier than you normally would, dance for him, invite him into the tub or shower, and allow yourself to experience the delight of being desired and pleased by the man you love!
These are just a few tips that will help you experience love, fun, and happiness in your marriage over the years. We’ll be covering even more tips in the talk we’ll be presenting at HeartCamp titled, “Relationship FUNdamentals,” where you’ll learn what both men and women can do to make dating and relationships more fun! If you’re in the Miami area on February 2nd, you won’t want to miss it!
Having a relationship that not only stands the test of time, but in which both people are still happy to be together in the good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer is not about luck. It doesn’t just happen. And, while it is magical, it’s a magic that gets created day in and day out, moment by moment. This is your life. It’s your love story. Make it one you want to experience for a lifetime!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photo by Andrielle Photography
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 25, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the most common complaints we hear from single women is that dating is “hard.” Ask a couple what it takes to make a relationship work, and you’ll hear that it takes “hard work.” Whenever we perceive that a task is going to be difficult to achieve, there will automatically be some form of resistance present: procrastination, pessimism, and a lack of energy and vitality.
This is why some single women avoid going out or exploring online dating. It’s easier to stay in the comfort of our homes, where it feels safe and we don’t have to risk feeling disappointed.
It’s also why some couples never make a move toward making the commitment to get married.
And it’s why some couples will endure years of misery – or at the very least, a lack of fulfillment and satisfaction – in their marriages.
When taking the steps toward creating a loving, passionate, lifelong relationship occurs as “hard” and difficult, it just seems easier to settle for (and complain about) the status quo.
But what if dating and relationships didn’t have to be hard? What if they could be fun and fulfilling, instead?
Let’s talk about dating first. One of the main reasons dating can seem scary and difficult for some women is the fact that:
Men got out on dates, and women go out on relationships.
Even before they go on the very first date, many women are already wondering and imagining whether the guy is their “Mr. Right-for-Me.” So much weight is placed on whether or not this date – the first date, by the way – is going to lead to a relationship that the women are rarely ever present on the actual date.
If the date is going well, she’s envisioning meeting his friends and family. If he mentions that he likes kids, she’s imagining their big, happy family. If he says that he’s going skiing on vacation, she’s already imagining the color of the cute ski suit she is going to wear on the trip when he invites her to go (which he hasn’t). If he orders a second glass of wine, she begins to wonder if he has a drinking problem and whether or not she can deal with being married to an alcoholic. And this is just the first date! He hasn’t even brought up going out together again!
So, what are some easy ways to make dating more FUN?
- Be quiet. Rather than filling the space or silent pauses with nervous chatter, focus on him and what he is sharing in the conversation. The only way to know whether you would like to go out with him again is to actually listen to what he’s telling you about himself. Now, you don’t want to sit there like a mime, but do make an effort to listen and learn more about him during the date.
- Be yourself. You don’t have to “wow” him, like you would on an interview or an audition. You already made the first cut when he chose to ask you out. Now it’s his turn to let you see why you might want to choose to go out with him again.
- Be present. The key to making dates fun is to actually be on the date. Pay attention to what you are doing. Notice the sights and sounds around you. Savor and enjoy the food you’re eating. Try to avoid fast-forwarding into the future or rewinding to the past. Just be on the date.
- Be grateful. If a guy is treating you to a great evening and you’re enjoying yourself, by all means, let him know. Don’t think that he’ll expect anything from you in return. The pleasure of your company is more than enough! But do let him know that you enjoyed the food, the music, the art, or whatever it was that you did together. And if things didn’t go as desirably as you had hoped, be grateful anyway and appreciate the effort he made to try to please you.
These are just a few dating tips that will help you begin to really enjoy going out and getting to know different men. We’ll be covering even more tips in the talk we’ll be presenting at HeartCamp titled, “Relationship FUNdamentals,” where you’ll learn what both men and women can do to make dating and relationships more fun! If you’re in the Miami area on February 2nd, you won’t want to miss it!
Remember, each date is an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. Don’t cheat yourself out of having a great time. Even a not-so-perfect-date lasts only a few hours long. You’ll survive! Just do all you can to find the fun in each situation and allow yourself to experience it!
In my next blog post, I’ll be sharing tips for making relationships FUN!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 22, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My Misdiagnosed Psychic Abilities
Some of you may have already been able to tell this from our business photo, but my business partner, Michelle, and I are twin sisters. Over the years, we have shared the uncanny gift shared by many twins (we call it “The Twin Thing”), 
where we can feel what the other is feeling, or at least know when the other one needs us.
We bless each other before a sneeze, show up at places wearing the same or a very similar outfit, and, at times, have even purchased the same gift for one another. And, for me, “the clincher” was when I almost asked my late husband to take me to the Emergency Room because I was experiencing inexplicable abdominal pain, only to learn a few minutes later that my sister was in labor with her first child!
With all of these types of experiences growing up, I think that somewhere along the way I may have made up the story that I was psychic, because, if you asked me, I could tell you exactly what my husband was thinking or feeling and predict how he was going to respond when I told him something!
For years, I wasted countless hours arguing with my husband, trying to get him to tell me why he was upset, telling him I knew something was wrong with him and asking him why he was lying to me or not telling me about it. If he was quiet or sullen, I would sit there, trying to rewind to the past and figure out what it was that I had done or said to make him angry. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere, I wouldn’t even bother telling him about it because I already knew what he was going to say or think about it. Just thinking about all of the time I spent imagining, interpreting, and predicting everything my husband was saying or thinking is mentally exhausting!
Side Effects of Trying to ‘Communicate’
One side effect of my misdiagnosed clairvoyant abilities was trying to get my husband to talk, even when it was clear he didn’t want to. He would tell me nicely, time after time, that he just needed to be alone and that he didn’t want to talk. Because I knew that something was wrong with us, I would keep trying to explain to him that if our marriage was going to work he needed to be honest with me and tell me what was going on. After all, if our relationship was going to work, then we needed to communicate. When the communication card didn’t work, I would try to make him feel guilty for hurting my feelings by not telling me what he was feeling. And, if that didn’t work, I’d just keep nagging… and nagging… and nagging. Eventually, he would blow up, tell me to shut up (or something worse) and I would break down into a sobbing heap, telling him how mean he was (and never once owning the role I played in getting things to that point). This crazy cycle went on for years.
My Road to Recovery
Thankfully, as I began to realize just how controlling I’d been being in my relationship and began making changes within myself, I also began to realize that I wasn’t psychic and that there was no possible way I could know what my husband was thinking or feeling until he told me. I also realized that my husband was not a child. He didn’t need me to help him figure out what he was feeling, like my children sometimes do. I realized that he’s a really capable man who is trusted to problem-solve and make really important decisions for a multi-billion dollar company. He knows how to identify what’s wrong and come up with a solution. He doesn’t need me to do that for him.
So, I began to see that all of the worrying I was doing when he was sad or upset had very little to do with him. It had everything to do with me. I was afraid that something was wrong with us, so I would make it about us. And, because he wasn’t telling me what was going on, I made it mean that he didn’t trust or want to share things with me and that we had bad communication. The truth is, however, that it was his stuff, and he just needed the time and space to sort things out, figure out what to do, get over his upset, and/or just be left alone in his funk. I didn’t have to wrap myself in the funk or make his mood my mood. So, I began trust my husband to work through things on his own.
When he was withdrawn or sullen, I began giving him space. I’d ask him if everything was okay, and if he said it was or that he didn’t want to talk about it, I would just leave him alone for a while. During that time, because my control gears were freaking out, I would call my sister so that I could sort out my own feelings, or I would paint my nails, go for a walk, read a book, knit – basically anything that would keep me busy and focused on me so that he could sort through whatever it was he was going through himself.
What started to happen was amazing. Because I gave my husband the space he needed to think, calm down, or work through his problems, many times, his funky mood would end just as soon as it began. He would maybe get lost in a movie or video game for a while, and then come by and give me a hug or kiss without saying a word! And sometimes, he would apologize for being in a bad mood and, if he felt like it, he’d tell me what it was all about. But even if he didn’t tell me, it was okay, because I had my loving, funny, caring husband back much sooner than when I used to harp, nag, and beg him to tell me what was going on with him!
The Perfect Prescription
If you’re in a relationship and you, too, suffer from misdiagnosed psychic abilities, here are a few tips to help you get on the path to peace of mind (and relationship):
- When your guy is withdrawn, sullen, or unresponsive, let him be. Give him space to sort things out on his own. Don’t try to assume, predict, or interpret his feelings or behaviors. Just let him be.
- Put the focus back on you.If you’re having trouble leaving him alone, it’s probably because all of your energy is going toward trying to figure out what is happening over there. Instead, put the energy back on you by doing something that is relaxing and pleasurable. When all else fails, call a girlfriend!
- Trust that, if there’s something he needs or wants to tell you, he will. Remember that you fell in love with a capable man who, although he chooses to have you in his life, doesn’t need you to solve his problems. And that, if he does want your help, he’ll ask for it.
- Choose peace over control. The fact that he needs alone time does not mean he doesn’t love you. In fact, he may be doing all he can to shield you from his funky mood simply because he does love you. Let go of the need to control him or the situation.
By following these tips you are choosing peace and intimacy over the need to know, pry information out of him, or not honor his request to be left alone. All of these steps will lead to experiencing more peace in your relationship and will create an opportunity for love, tenderness, and intimacy to emerge.
And, in the end, isn’t that what our hearts truly desire?
Learn More
To learn about more way you can stop trying to read his mind and start really connecting with your husband or boyfriend, consider joining us for the Relationship Group Coaching Calls for Girlfriends and Wives!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Jennifer Bradford via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 18, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
As a dating and relationship coach, I make a conscious effort every day to practice what I teach in my workshops, write about in my blog, and work through with my clients. It’s a daily commitment I’ve made to myself, my husband, and the women who depend on me to help them through some of the most difficult moments of their lives.
I remember when I first started making changes. Many times I felt mentally exhausted! It was as if I had to stop myself from completing a sentence repeatedly, because what I was about to say was condescending and disrespectful to my husband. I would have to really stop and think before saying something to make sure I wasn’t being manipulative or trying to get my way by using guilt, ultimatums, or demands, which were my preferred methods of making sure I got what I wanted. And I had to be hyper-vigilant about looking for reasons to express my gratitude or admiration to because I’d previously spent so much time focusing on what my husband wasn’t doing right or not “right enough.”
There were times when I wondered whether making all of these changes was worth the effort and whether he was even noticing the changes I was trying so hard to make. Part of me wanted to ask him, “Hey, have you noticed how nice I’m being to you now?” or “Did you see how I supported your decision, without giving you the 10 reasons that were in my head regarding how it just wouldn’t work?” or “Could you just throw me a bone and say something that lets me know you’re noticing that I’m really trying to make this work?”
I’m human, and my humanity was craving some acknowledgement or affirmation that the changes I was making were being noticed… and that they were working. But I didn’t say any of those things. I didn’t want his acknowledgment unless it came from him without it being coerced. I didn’t want to sabotage my efforts by announcing all of the incredible the changes I was making, because I also knew there were moments when I slipped back into past patterns and behaviors.
So I just kept changing – choosing to change – day after day. And it became easier. And I began to realize that, while I really wanted to take my marriage to a new level, I was making all of these changes for me. So, it really didn’t matter if he noticed or said anything. I was changing, growing, becoming more peaceful. And, to me, it was worth all of the effort.
Today I can honestly say that I rarely feel that mental exhaustion of having to think about what I am going to say or do ten times before I actually speak or act. I can say that respect flows much more easily from my mind to my mouth. And I can say that I have the type of marriage I always dreamed of – Actually, it’s even better than I imagined it could be!
And I also have to say that I’m not “perfect.” There are days when I tell him what he should do or say to someone at work, rather than trusting that he’s capable enough to handle the situation himself. There are times when I frantically go to from store to store looking for the shirt I think he’s not going to go buy, instead of trusting that he can handle it himself. There are nights when I snap at him if I’m overly tired and haven’t practiced good self-care that day (or in several days). There are moments when I just want my own way, and I get it, not thinking about whether it’s worth the intimacy it is going to cost me.
Nope. I’m not perfect by any means.
The good news is that having a happy marriage is NOT about perfection. Thank goodness, right?
It’s not about always saying and doing the “right” things. It’s not about never making a mistake. It’s not about always having the right answers. It’s not about never having to apologize. In fact, I’ve found that it’s quite the opposite.
Having a great marriage is about being willing to admit that you were wrong when you did make a mistake. It’s about being humble enough to ask for and being gracious enough to grant forgiveness. It’s about knowing that this love journey is being carried out by two imperfect individuals who are doing everything we can to try to get it “right” – to love and be loved, to be accepting of and accepted by one another.
And sometimes we do get it right – and it’s bliss! And other times we don’t – and that’s life. But as imperfect as we are, we recognize and love the fact that we are absolutely perfect for one another.
And that’s what makes the love journey worthwhile!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Ellipsis-Imagery via photopin.com cc
