by heartsdesireintl | Jan 14, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
One of the hardest things for me to do when I first started dating my husband was to stay present. See, from the very beginning I was really attracted to him and I felt as if I had known him my whole life. It just felt so easy to be myself with him.
This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t scared out of my mind, however. When I met my husband, I had been widowed for a little under a year. I had no intention of meeting anyone that night, and I certainly did not expect to meet the man I would marry a year later! I was unsure of myself, still healing from my loss, and positive that I would never really ever fall in love again.
And then life pleasantly surprised me!
As soon as we started talking, I felt he was someone I didn’t have to pretend with. He was so “real.” He didn’t seem to be trying to impress me (although he was), and we talked and talked about everything! Our first phone conversation lasted 7 hours!
And, even though things seemed to be going well, I was still terrified. He’d say something that would give me hope that maybe he was someone I could fall in love with again. Before you knew it, I was standing on a beach in an ivory-colored dress, declaring my love to him forever.
Or he’d say something that I didn’t like. And, all of a sudden, I would flash back into the past and remember an argument I’d had with my late husband or something that happened in my past that I did not want to repeat! Each time I fast-forwarded into the future or I hit the rewind button and blasted back into the past I was cheating myself out of experiencing and relishing in the present moment.
What I didn’t know then is how common this is among women. We are so afraid of “wasting our time,” getting hurt, or not ever finding the man who’s right for us, that we spend almost all of our time rewinding into the past (and comparing what’s happening not to it) or fast-forwarding to a future we have no way of knowing will come to pass.
And, all the while, we’re missing what’s actually happening here and now. We may either be ignoring the red flags that are warning us this isn’t the guy for us, or not paying attention to all of the ways that he is showing us that he may possibly be the right guy. In short, we cheat ourselves out of experiencing what is happening here and now, in the present.
So, what can women do to stay in the present moment when dating?
- Avoid asking questions and having conversations that are premature in nature. Many times, in our effort get reassurance from a man regarding of where the relationship is going and whether he’s “a keeper,” a woman will prematurely ask questions such as whether he plans to marry (or re-marry), have children (or more children), what his financial status is, and, later, where he thinks the relationship is headed. All of these things are important to know. However, they’re not the types of questions that necessarily need to be discussed on the first few dates. Similarly, asking him how he feels about you or whether he sees a future for the two of you, while obviously something you want to know, especially if you’ve been dating for a while, are conversations that are much more meaningful when they occur naturally in the course of going out together.
- Check in with ourselves to see how you are feeling when you’re with him. Rather than spending time wondering if he likes you, if he’s going to call, or if he’ll ask you out again, focus on how you’re feeling during the date. Do you like what you’re learning about him? Do you want to speak with him again? Would you like to go out with him again? Are you having a good time? Focusing on what’s going on inside of you will help you stay present-minded.
- Allow yourself to enjoy each stage of the relationship. Rather than trying to rush things to the next stage, allow the relationship to go at its own pace. Too many times, for example, women rush into having sex in an effort to make the relationship more intimate than they are at the time. Wondering and focusing on where the relationship is going can keep you from enjoying and appreciating what is happening right now. Instead, relax and relish in each moment you create and share together.
When we allow the relationship to unfold naturally, without trying to get him to tell us where he feels the relationship is headed or worrying about what he’s thinking or planning, we give ourselves permission to just be. Staying focused on the present moment, allows us to enjoy every step of the way toward creating the loving, tender, passionate relationship our hearts truly desire.
For a more in-depth conversation on what you can do to stay present, join the Intimacy Skills Training for Single Ladies on Tuesday, January 15th, at 9:00 p.m. EST/6:00 p.m. PST.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 11, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the scariest parts of dating and being in a relationship is the uncertainty of it all. Opening your heart to someone and letting them in to see who you truly are can be terrifying. Not knowing whether the person you are falling in love or already in love with will reciprocate the feelings you have for him or her is unsettling. This fear and discomfort keeps us from allowing ourselves to be truly vulnerable and authentic with someone else. Because, what if I give all of me – my heart, body, and spirit to this other person, and I only end up getting hurt?
It’s what keeps people from getting out and dating.
It’ what stops people from moving to the next step in a relationship.
It’s what has people stay in a relationship with someone that is not right for them.
It’s what has people look for everything that’s “wrong” or not going to work with the other person, and has them run in the other direction.
And, in a relationship, it’s what keeps someone from acknowledging that the relationship is not working and reaching out for help.
Fear is paralyzing in any area of our lives, but particularly when it comes to love. Why? Because love is an act of faith!
The fact is that there are no guarantees when it comes to love. There is no way to tell whether the person you’re on a first date with is going to be the one with whom you’ll walk down the aisle. There is no way of knowing whether the person you walk down the aisle with is the one with whom you will grow old. And there’s no way of knowing what the years in between will be like ahead of time.
So how does one muster up the courage to put her heart on the line? If love is so uncertain, is it worth it – worth taking the risk of getting hurt?
My answer? Absolutely!
The truth is that if everything was laid out for us and we knew exactly how it would turn out, we’d probably be bored out of our minds. While predictability can give us a sense of security, it also means we don’t have the opportunity to be in a space of wonder or pleasantly surprised and delighted by the one we love. And, if everything were already laid out and predestined, then we’d feel like we had no choice, no ability to choose and create what it is we want to for ourselves and our lives, and no power to turn things around when they aren’t going the way we’d like.
It’s the unpredictable nature of love and being in a romantic relationship that gives us something to hope for, look forward to, and dream about. It’s the fact that we have the power within us to attract, create, and experience the love our hearts desire that makes us feel like we have a say in how things will go when we focus on ourselves and what’s within our realm of control. And it’s all of the moments – the good and the not-so-good, combined – that allows us learn more about ourselves and the person we’re choosing to love so that together we can create our own unique love story – our very own masterpiece!
So, yes, I’d like to tell you that it’s all going to be easy, that everything is going to turn out exactly the way you want it to, and that you won’t ever have to experience another heartbreak or disappointment. I’d like to, but I can’t.
What I can tell you is that every moment of your love journey is a creation, a choice, and a manifestation of what you want and are willing to bring to the relationship. And, that, while scary at times, when you step out in faith and are finally writing your love story and creating your masterpiece with the person you love and are loved by, it’s worth every bump, every heartache, and every tear. The reward is so much bigger than the risk!
Question? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Arianda Bruna via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 8, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Every couple argues. It’s inevitable. You have two completely different human beings – with all of their past, fears, ideas, and opinions – coming together to try to form one life. Because we don’t stop being who we are when we become part of a couple, it just stands to reason that from time to time you and your honey will not being seeing eye-to-eye. Creating a wonderful relationship is NOT about perfection. It’s about learning how to deal with both your own and his imperfections in a way that honors and respects who you both are – for yourselves and one another.
If arguments are inevitable, does that mean it’s okay to have full-blown fights? Well, I suppose some might say it’s “okay,” but I will also say that nothing can chip away at the intimacy in a relationship more than constant fighting.
Aside from the fact that there is usually a lot of disrespect involved, it’s also true that constantly bickering and arguing with someone is exhausting – even for those who are addicted to drama. It just takes so much out of you when you constantly feel like you need to be on your guard, defending yourself and your point of view from the person who supposedly loves you.
One time, at one of our workshops, my husband was speaking to the ladies, answering their questions about men, love, and relationships, and someone asked him what men want most. His answers surprised all of us (myself included). He said that what men want more than anything is peace. He went on to explain how, before I started practicing the skills I now teach, all he wanted was peace. This is why he would either shut down and give me the silent treatment, or blow up and yell at me when I simply would not stop nagging and yelling at him, because he knew that I would end up crying, leaving the room, and then he would finally have the peace he’d been asking for the twenty times he had told me, “I don’t want to talk about this right now!”
This is why I tell my clients that it’s not that men don’t know how to deal with women’s emotions. It’s simply that they don’t like the drama. Even if they love a woman, if there is constant nagging, bickering, and drama, they will tend to withdraw – either physically, emotionally, or both.
So, if disagreeing is a normal part of being in a relationship, but constant arguing chips away at the intimacy, how can we disagree without letting things get out of hand? Well, one thing we can do is to stop the fight before it even begins. There are basic ways we can do that:
- Disengage: Rather than jumping into the knee-jerk reaction you have when he says or does something that “triggers” you, choose not to engage in the argument or conversation. Basically, you want to RSVP “No” to the invitation to engage in a familiar argument or a conversation that usually leads to one. The easiest way to do this is by leaving the room and going to do something that makes you feel peaceful and relaxed.
- Remain quiet… for now: Usually, when we are triggered is not the best time to try to have a calm, logical conversation that is going to lead to a solution. So, until you can calmly say what you are thinking and feeling, it’s best to not say anything at all.
- Deal with the real issue: Sometimes, it can feel as if everything our guy is doing is getting on our last nerve. Things that we can usually ignore or let slide set us off, and we end up criticizing or lecturing him. Many times, this happens when we’re upset or worried about something else, because it’s easier to see someone else’s faults and “fix” their problems than it is to deal with our own. So, before you start complaining, make sure you are clear about what you are really upset about.
Now, does all of this mean that you just ignore your feelings, keep everything bottled in, and pretend that you’re not upset when you are? Absolutely not! It’s important to be able to express how you are feeling, what you want and what you don’t want. However, there are ways of expressing your feelings and desires in a way that is clear and allows you to have the experience of being heard.
- Sort yourself out with someone other than him. Share and vent your feelings with a friend – someone you trust and who is standing for the success of your relationship. It helps if this person is happily married, as she will probably give you some good advice.
- Focus on what you are actually feeling. Rather than complaining about what he’s doing/not doing or saying/not saying, focus on how you are feeling. These words are usually used to name emotions. For example, saying “I’m disappointed that I won’t be able to visit my family for the holidays” is much more effective than saying, “If you would have done a better job of saving money, rather than spending it all on fixing up your car, we could have been able to afford the tickets to go visit my family.” See the difference?
- Share your feelings in a manner that is calm and clear. The more calmly and clearly you express what you are feeling, the easier it will be for him to actually hear what you are saying. Doing the first two steps – talking things through with someone else and focusing on what you are feeling (rather than on what he did) will help you do this. The more calm and clear you are, the less he is going to feel like he needs to defend himself. This also comes across as more vulnerable, which usually sparks the man’s natural desire to protect and try to please you.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of photstock via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 4, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week, someone I have known for many years passed away. He was a priest and pastor of the church and school where I taught many years ago. I loved my job and I loved our church and the children with whom I worked as a teacher, youth group leader there, choir member, and sponsor of the Liturgical Dance Ministry. I honestly enjoyed every minute of the time I spent there. The pastor, Fr. Joseph Carney, was kind and supportive of me, and, while he wasn’t always open to change, he was always willing to listen to my latest idea for the youth and dance ministries.
After 3 years of working there as a teacher, I was presented with the opportunity to teach in a brand new public school. The chance to work in a pilot school, a brand new state-of-the-art building, and a very nice salary were too attractive to pass up, and, after already having signed my contract for the following year, I told Fr. Carney that I would be breaking the contract and going to teach at the other school. I explained that the salary was almost double what I’d be making there and that, since my late husband was very sick and unable to work, I felt I needed to make sure I had financial security for us both.
Fr. Carney was so upset. He explained that had bent over backwards to offer me a better salary, and felt as if I didn’t appreciate it. He told me that if I left, I would no longer be able to lead the Youth Group, and I was crushed! That youth group was my favorite part of working there, and I felt like I was being punished for trying to move ahead in my career. I was also very angry at him! Here he was – a priest! Wasn’t he always preaching about love and forgiveness? Wasn’t he the one who had told me that he wanted to help me achieve my professional goals? How could someone that I looked up to, admired, and respected be so hurtful? I felt let down and somewhat deceived by him. And I was downright mad!
I was still involved in the choir and other ministries, and, while I was no longer leader of the youth group, I assisted the new leaders, because my commitment to the teens was greater than my anger at Fr. Carney. But it wasn’t easy to see him or hear him preaching. Part of me wanted to keep making him wrong and tell others about how he had reacted and treated me. But I didn’t. I knew he was the pastor and that what happened was between us. I didn’t want the kids being angry at him, and this was my parish. I wanted to continue serving and growing there.
Later that year, I went to a retreat at the Church, and, there was time set aside for meditation and confession for those who wanted to participate. I stepped into the face-to-face confessional, and, low and behold, who should happen to be a sitting across from me? I wanted to turn around and walk out, but I didn’t. I had just been praying and I was in a peaceful space. I felt it was time to bring peace to this relationship, too.
After my confession, I asked Fr. Carney if I could speak with him, and he agreed. I asked if he could please forgive me for not having honored my word and breaking the contract. I told him I’d been hurt and angry at him for the way he had responded, and that I didn’t want to be angry any more. I just wanted us to be “okay” again.
We both teared up as he told me that he had acted in anger because he felt like his daughter was leaving home with no explanation. In that moment, I got just how human he was. I’d built him up and held him to a different standard because he was a priest. In my mind, he should have acted differently. I hadn’t stopped to think that he was reacting like most people would have. I told him I loved him and and he said he loved me too and asked me to forgive him, and I did.
Fr. Carney passed away Wednesday morning, and, while I hadn’t seen him in several years, I am so thankful to God that we had that conversation when we did. It would have been so easy for either one of us to stay angry or pretend like nothing had happened. Instead, we were both courageous and humble enough to admit we were wrong and ask one another for forgiveness. And now I can remember him and celebrate his life without any regrets over having left my apology or my forgiveness left unspoken.
How many times, in our relationships, do we hold on to resentment and anger, allowing time to go by and cheating ourselves out of having a relationship with someone who simply made a mistake?
How many times do we hold people that we love to a higher standard and expect more from them than we probably should?
How many times do we leave words of love and forgiveness unspoken, without knowing how much time we have before that person is gone and we’ll no longer have the chance to say, “I forgive you. Please, forgive me”?
If you are holding on to any resentment toward someone, I invite you to give both them and yourself the gift of forgiveness. It’s not always the easiest thing to accept someone’s mistake. Forgiving them does not mean that you agree with or condone what they did. It only means that you are releasing yourself from the anger and pain and, perhaps, releasing them from feeling guilty over something that’s already happened and is in the past.
No, accepting someone’s humanity and granting him or her forgiveness is not always easy. It takes something – courage, humility, and vulnerability – to see beyond the error to the heart of the person. However, forgiveness is not only a gift for the receiver. It’s a gift you give yourself, as well.
For, once you’ve released yourself from the anger, resentment, and grudges, there is love, freedom, and peace waiting for you on the other side!
May you rest in peace, Fr. Carney. And thank you for your many years of loving service to our Lord, to your parishioners, and all of the children who came to know God because of and through you! I love, will miss, and will never forget you!
If you have someone in your life with whom you’d like to have a conversation, but you’re afraid or don’t know how to begin, I’d like to invite you to visit my friend, Ingrid Lucia’s website, Unspoken Pebbles. The Unspoken Pebbles were created so that people can share conversations that have been left unspoken. Many times, the right words are all that is needed, and the words written on these simple pebbles and the small book of conversation starters open up an opportunity to say the things that have been left unsaid. These Unspoken Pebbles create moments that can be used to share the words that are in our hearts and serve to remind us that the only moment we ever really have is this moment, right now.
Comments? Questions? Please leave them below! We love hearing from you!
Sky photo credit: ed_needs-a-bicycle via photopin.com cc
Unspoken Pebbles photo courtesy of UnspokenPebbles.net
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 29, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
The other night something happened that caused me to really put my “work” to work. A virtual friend of several years reached out to me on my Facebook Wall about something she was going through, and I responded with some advice I thought would encourage her.
Unfortunately, something that I said must have been misinterpreted, and, what was originally a conversation between me and her on my Wall was taken public on Facebook, where she tagged me in a post that was about “losing friends” as a result of a choice she made. When I first saw my name on the post, I was confused, as our conversation had nothing to do with ending our friendship. In fact, I had told her that I loved her and how I had always seen her as a loving person.
Confused, I reiterated my love and support for her, only to have her son post a very crude and foul response questioning my sincerity, as well as calling my work as a relationship coach into question. I don’t know her son and had no idea where the anger was coming from. I chose to excuse myself from the thread, as this is not the type of conversation or interaction in which I choose to participate. In spite of this, I saw that there were still nasty things being said in my absence.
I reached out to my friend privately and suggested we speak so that we could clarify any misunderstandings, as I know that what is written can sometimes be misinterpreted. No response. I told her I had deleted the post that she had put on my Wall (in case something I had said had hurt or offended her) and waited to hear from her. Again, no response.
I did, however, get another nasty private message from her son. I explained that she and I had been having a private conversation that it was misinterpreted and taken public. And, again, apologized if I had said something to hurt his mom. No response.
I won’t pretend that I wasn’t angry. I was. And I was hurt, too. I’m human.
I tried to shake it off, reminding myself that what they were thinking and feeling probably had more to do with what my friend is going through than it had to do with me, and that the feelings I had expressed were authentic. Still, it hurt that someone would think that I was being anything but loving with them. And having my integrity called into question bothered me.
As a coach, I sometimes have to say things people don’t want to hear. I do it with no other intention than to share what I feel will make a difference for them. And I always remind my clients and friends that I am coming from a place of love and standing in my commitment to them and their happiness. While I may not agree with someone’s choices, disagreement does not equal judgment. I believe that we are each free to choose what we feel is the right choice for ourselves. So, while I may not agree with you, I will not judge you.
After about an hour of feeling bothered, I realized that a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my own ego – wanting to be liked; not wanting to be questioned or seen in a negative light. So I began to let that go.
I spoke to my husband about what was going on, and, as I spoke, the hurt turned to anger. My husband, who has much thicker skin and is a lot less emotional than I am, told me to de-friend her and call it a day. I, on the other hand, wanted to mend the relationship, if possible. He got a bit frustrated and told me I had no need for negative people and people who clearly don’t know me enough to know that I always try to come from a space of love.
In the past, this conversation would have turned into an argument between him and me about how he was being judgmental and unreasonable and just trying to step in and “fix it,” rather than just letting me vent. However, I’ve learned to listen to the message behind his words – his “heart message” – and what I heard loud and clear was: “I love you and I don’t want anyone to hurt you.” In his way, he was standing up and defending me. And I love him for it.
As soon as I got how much my husband loved and wanted to defend me, a space of compassion opened up for me regarding my friend’s son! For whatever reason, something I said had been misinterpreted and my friend was hurt. Perhaps she felt I was judging her. I hope not, but she mentioned feeling that she had to explain her choice in her post. So, perhaps she shared her hurt feelings with her son, and, because he loves her, he felt the need to defend and protect her, too. As much as I disagree with the way he went about doing so, by bringing compassion to the situation and to him, I was able to let go of the “residue” of resentment that was growing in my heart and hear his heart message for his mom.
I don’t know whether my friend and I will ever speak again. I hope we do. I pray that she is able to get through this part of her journey surrounded by those who love her. I’ve apologized. There’s nothing more I can do, except send love and light her way.
No matter what happens, I am so thankful for this lesson learned, this work, the skills and principles we teach, and that I was able to use them both within and outside the relationship with my husband to let go of pain and resentment and bring peace and love back into my heart.
Because, in the end, peace and love are what this work – our work – is all about!
Questions? Comments? Please share them below. We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Susan von Struensee via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 26, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance
For those of us who are wives, mothers, and professionals, it can seem as if we have to choose between having a wonderful relationship and family or following our dreams and building our careers and our businesses. I call this living in “an either-or world.” And I don’t believe it’s necessary.
When we think that we have to sacrifice one aspect of our lives in order to experience happiness in another, that is evidence of having a “scarcity” conversation. Some people use this term to refer to the area of finances – to describe the experience of people living under the false perception that there isn’t already enough of what they have or want. The truth, however, is that this applies to other areas of our lives. When we live under the perception that we must sacrifice or give up what we want in order to have something else we want, we sell out on our happiness and cheat ourselves out of the experience of having it ALL!
I have been a professional since before I was married and had children. Succeeding in everything I do has always been important to me, and it was no different when it came to my career. Once I was in a relationship, succeeding in my career was still important. And so was having a wonderful relationship and, later, marriage. When I had kids things got a little “blurry” for me.
There was a lot of guilt associated with working late hours and traveling for work. I missed some of my children’s milestones because I was on a business trip. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t experience some guilt around that. A lot of the guilt was self-imposed, but some also came from other moms – especially those who had chosen to stay home with their kids. I always felt like they were judging me for not having been there for my kids if they were hitting a milestone, sick, or just wanting Mommy to be there.
It wasn’t until I began doing my own personal development work that I was able to shake myself free from (1) caring about what other people thought and (2) making myself feel badly for having something else I that was important to me in my life – not “more important” to me, but important, nonetheless.
The truth is that people weren’t thinking about me quite as much as I thought they were! A lot of that judgment I felt they had about me was pretty much coming from within. I thought that I wasn’t being a “good mom” when I was doing something for work and like I wasn’t being a “good professional” when I was spending time with my kids, rather than working an extra hour or two. Thankfully, I was able to see that I get to choose what I focus on, what I make a priority today, and that my priorities can change the following day, if I need or want them to! That was very empowering for me!
I’ve also had to teach my kids that, if I am working, it’s not because I don’t want to be with them. It’s that I have a responsibility I need to fulfill on or a job that needs to be completed, and that it’s important to honor your words, keep your agreements, and do your very best in all you do. All of these are great lessons for my kids. And, rather than just telling or lecturing them, I am teaching them by example.
And then there are times when I will work late into the night or cut short a work day so that I can go on a field trip the next day, volunteer at school, or go on a camping trip. I’m still doing what I can to fulfill on my responsibilities, but it may be that this week, when these activities come up, my priorities shift a little. Both my work and my family is important – neither one more important than the other. It’s just how I choose to prioritize my time and attention that day or that week. And it can change from day to day and week to week.
My friend and mentor, Luly Balepolgi of LulyB.com, an amazing business woman who empowers mom entrepreneurs to have it all, often says that “Balance is bull—-!” It’s not about trying to balance everything. It’s about prioritizing and building your life around your priorities!
This is why Heart’s Desire International is honored to partner with Luly B. tonight, December 26th at 9:00 p.m. for a fun, powerful, and live Twitter Chat about how tom make our families are “the reason” why we do what we do, rather than “the excuse” for not following our dreams! Join us and other professional moms for a time of learning and growing together while having a great time! To get all the details and join in on the chat, click here!
Remember, we live in a world of abundance, and you can and deserve to have it ALL! Join Luly B. and me tonight and let’s make 2013 about making our families the reason for doing whatever we can to make our dreams come true!
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
