by heartsdesireintl | Oct 26, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Love creates an us without destroying a me.”
~ Author Unknown
Perhaps one of the biggest temptations we face when we first begin dating someone we really like is wanting to spend every possible moment with that person. When we’re not physically together, we want to be on the phone, talking, hearing their voice, and basking in the knowledge that they want to be with us just as much as we want to be with them. It really is such a wonderful phase in a relationship, and it’s normal to want to soak up as much of that happiness as possible.
The problem, however, comes in when we make the other person our sole focus, and we begin to neglect or forget about the things and people in our lives who we love and enjoyed prior to becoming part of “a couple.” Perhaps we stop practicing self-care, going to the, gym, spending time with family, going out with our girlfriends, and engaging in the hobbies and activities that we have always enjoyed. This can also lead to us becoming very “clingy” and dependent upon the other person to make us feel happy, because we are no longer taking responsibility for doing the things that bring us pleasure and joy. And, as we saw in yesterday’s blog post, practicing good-self care by doing at least 3 things for ourselves that bring us pleasure and make us feel good is essential to creating our own happiness and having the patience and energy that it’s going to take to make the relationship work!
I fell into this trap myself when I first started dating my husband. I guess you could say ours was a whirlwind romance. From the night we met, to the next night (when we spoke on the phone for 7 hours) to the following night when we went on our first date, this was it! We were inseparable! And, without really noticing it, I began letting go of the activities, people, and practices that were so important to me. The fact that I was traveling for work 75% of the time also had something to do with wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, but it wasn’t until a few years into our marriage that I began to feel resentful about it. I felt like I had “lost” a part of myself and I was angry at my husband because I felt that I had changed in order for him to love me. And, it was impacting our relationship.
I’ll never forget the day that I told him, “I just feel like you suck the joy out of everything I love and enjoy.” (Talk about “Ouch”!)
The weird part of all this? He never asked me to give up the things I loved and enjoyed! I made that choice myself and I was holding it against him! The resentment I felt was displaced. I was really upset with myself for not honoring those things that made me feel happy, peaceful, and confident – the things that made me feel like “me”… The “me” he fell in love with in the first place!
It wasn’t until I began focusing on my own personal growth, practicing self-care, and doing the things that I enjoyed and was passionate about, that I started becoming “me” again. A newer, fresher version of me. And that had a very positive impact on our relationship! I was no longer blaming and making my husband responsible for my happiness or my unhappiness. I was taking responsibility for my own happiness, and that joy spilled over into every area of my life, including my family, friendships, and career!
Transitioning from being single to being in a relationship is a wonderful experience, and, yes, you want to relish in it and receive and enjoy the new-found love! You deserve it! However, just remember to stay true to yourself and who you really are. That’s who you want him to fall in love with anyway, right? The key to creating a wonderful relationship where you get to create an “us” without losing yourself is to keep your life, even though he’s in it!
Are there some areas of your life that you used to enjoy that you’ve let go of simply because you are in a relationship? If so, consider breathing life back into that hobby, friendship, or passion you once had. You and your relationship will both benefit!
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 25, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
~ Buddha
If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that one of the things we do is to dispel “Love Myths.” One of the love myths that’s pretty prevalent is that the way to show love is to give, give, give to others. Often, women are so busy juggling a bunch of different roles and taking making sure everyone else is taken care of that they neglect to put themselves first – their needs, desires, and the things that bring them pleasure.
One of the first things we tell the women we work with in our workshops and coaching sessions is that, in order to attract, create, and maintain a happy relationship, you need to practice good self-care. What does “practicing good self-care” mean? It means taking responsibility for your own happiness by doing three things for yourself every day that you enjoy doing and make you feel good!
When we first say this, you would think, from the look on the women’s faces, that we asked them to extract three of their own teeth every day! They begin to explain how they can’t even fathom doing one nice thing for themselves on most days, how taking a 10-minute shower is a “bonus” on a good day, and how they just don’t have the time to focus on themselves between their work, school, and family schedules. Our response: If you’re that busy, that’s even more of a reason to practice good self-care!
Why is self-care so important to having a good relationship?
Well, if your single and you’re constantly looking and feeling frazzled, exhausted, and stressed out, it’s just not very attractive. And, when I say “attractive,” I’m not just referring to the physical aspect of looking and feeling beautiful. I’m talking about being attractive in the sense that you are attracting the man who is right for you. See, someone who is sending out the energy that she is too busy and too stressed is not sending out a very inviting “vibe.” If you feel that you can’t make time for yourself, it’s going to be very difficult to make time to share with someone else. There simply isn’t any space for him to step into. So, when you begin to take time for yourself, and you begin to replenish your mind, body, and spirit, you are also getting in touch with your feminine nature and that is very attractive to men!
What about if you’re in a relationship? Creating and maintaining a loving, intimate relationship takes a lot of peace and energy. Contrary to what fairy tales tell us, great relationships don’t “just happen.” Having a wonderful relationship takes the intention and energy to want to make it work, the willingness to be patient and forgiving, and an awareness of how what we say and do impacts the intimacy in the relationship. If you are always tired, stressed out, and “running on fumes,” it’s going to be almost impossible for you to think before you say something hurtful or disrespectful, be able to forgive your boyfriend or spouse when something goes wrong, or have the energy and desire to connect sexually. Taking time to do some of the things that make you feel peaceful, happy, and feminine will go a long way toward refilling your emotional tank so that you are able to give and receive love freely in the relationship.
One of the best things about self-care is that, it doesn’t have to involve spending a lot of money or investing a lot of time. There are things you can do every day at work, at home, or wherever you choose that you can make part of your every day routine.
Some of my favorite self-care practices include:
- Reading for fun
- Taking a nap
- Sleeping in
- Knitting
- Taking a bubble bath
- Spend quiet time praying or meditating
- Wearing different shades of lip gloss every day
- Going for a walk in the morning
- Dancing
- Going out with my friends
- Doing nothing
- Slathering myself in yummy-scented lotions and body sprays
- Watching one of my favorite shows while I’m lying in bed
- Snuggling with my kids in the mornings or at bedtime (I need to take advantage of this one while they still want to!)
But what if you really feel like you’re too busy and just can’t fit any of this into your day? We recommend that you actually schedule your self-care – at least in the beginning, while you’re getting used to it. Schedule the activity in your phone or on your computer’s calendar so that it pops up and gives you that visual reminder. Schedule it just as you would a doctor’s appointment, because that’s how important it is to your emotional health! We also recommend that you start with the activities you really enjoy. This will make it more fun and give you something to look forward to, which will make it easier to begin making self-care a habit!
And if you begin to feel “guilty” about focusing on yourself, because you feel you’re being “selfish,” or that you could be spending your self-care time with your family, I invite you to just give that up! What’s selfish is thinking that you don’t need to feel special and pampered, and relaxed! When you begin to make self-care a priority, not only are you showing others that you hold yourself in high regard, but you are letting people (especially the men in your life) know what you like, enjoy, and desire (great information for them to have!). In addition, the new-found peace, happiness, and energy you will begin to experience is not only a gift for you, it’s a gift to those who are around you and get to benefit from it, as well! You will become a better girlfriend, wife, mother, and employee when you take the time to replenish your mind, body, and spirit.
Remember, in order to attract, create, and maintain a good relationship, the key is to take care of yourself first!
What are some of the things you do to practice good self-care? Please share them in the comments below so that we can “borrow” one another’s ideas! Click on the box to receive notification of responses so that you can check in again and get some new self-care ideas to practice yourself!
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 24, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear.
~ Oprah Winfrey
This week, we’ve been talking about reasons, excuses, the things we hold to be “the truth,” and today I’d like to talk about fear. There are few things in life that are more paralyzing than fear. Fear can stop us from moving forward, taking a risk, or breaking through the barriers that prevent us from living a happy, fulfilled life.
But what is it that we’re afraid of? Perhaps one of my favorite explanations of the word fear is the acronym F.E.A.R.:
Just like the excuses and “truths” we hold on to that, in turn, hold us back, our fears can paralyze us, keep us “stuck” where we are – unwilling and seemingly unable to take the actions that are consistent with what we say we want.
Usually, a fear can be traced back to something in our past – an event that left us feeling alone, abandoned, embarrassed, hurt, deceived. There was a moment where we felt the sting of disappointment and we made a decision – a vow, if you will – that this would never happen to us again. We would never allow ourselves to trust anyone ever again. We would never really be taken care of or protected by anyone except ourselves. We would never allow ourselves to love someone that fully and completely ever again.
And, in that life-defining moment, we allowed the fear to run the show called “my life.” We gave the fear permission to decide who we would go out with and even who we would allow to approach us. We allowed the fear to decide just how much of ourselves we’d be willing to let someone else see about who we really are and how much of ourselves they would ever be able to experience. We allowed the fear to weigh and measure our words; to strategize in order to control and manipulate people and situations so that they will turn out exactly the way we wanted. We allowed the fear to shut us down, kill off new possibilities, and keep us alone… even though, we say that what we want more than anything is to be loved and share our lives with someone else.
And, lest you think I’m only referring to those who are single, let me clarify. Some of us who are in relationships are still terrified of allowing the person we love to see us and know us completely. We allow the fear of possibly being disappointed again to keep us holding on to that last 5, 20, or 50 percent of our love. We never allow ourselves to fully open our hearts and our Selves to another. We allow the fear to hold on to that little bit of our Selves… just in case…
Now, am I saying to put yourself in emotional or physical harm just to “prove” that you are not afraid? Absolutely not! Your emotional and physical safety always come first. However, if you are always “careful,” always weary of others, always on the defense, then you want to take some time to identify the fear – bring it out of your blind spot and see it for what it is: A neurological brain pattern… A thought… False Evidence Appearing Real. That’s all it is. But, left undistinguished and in the background, the fear will continue running the show. And you’ll be left were you are – afraid, alone, and wondering if you’ll ever really experience what it is like to love and be loved freely – free from the fear, free to love, free to experience all this life has to offer and the abundant love, peace, and joy for which you were created!
It’s up to you. You always get to choose.
The question is: Will you choose love over fear?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 23, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.”
~ Pema Chodron
In yesterday’s blog post, we looked at how our reasons can stop us from moving forward and creating the life and the love that we want. In addition to our reasons, there are certain thoughts and beliefs that we hold as “the truth” that can completely keep us stuck where we are, repeating patterns of behaviors and experiences, attracting the same type of person into our lives, and creating the false reality that this is the only way things will ever be and happen for us.
How can we shift these beliefs so that we can begin to experience freedom in our lives and relationships to create what we really desire?
Let’s begin by taking a look at ourselves, because this is where everything truly begins, anyway.
If, for example, you have limiting beliefs about yourself – about your worth, the type of love and life you deserve, what you are able to accomplish or experience in your life, or why you “are” the way you “are” – it is difficult for you to hear, accept or believe anything different. Even if you read a great and inspirational self-help book, attend an incredible workshop, or work with an amazing and effective coach, until you commit to letting go of these limiting beliefs, it doesn’t matter what you read or hear. You simply won’t believe it. You aren’t available to hear and accept it.
If you have limiting beliefs about men and relationships, if you are clinging to the belief that men only want sex, that men can’t and don’t want to make a commitment, and that men are cheaters, how in the world can you then be surprised when every man that you attract into your life provides you with more evidence to support that belief you hold as “the truth”? By universal law, what you believe to be true will continue to present itself in your life – no matter how much you wish, hope, or pray for it to be any different.
And, if you’ve loved and been hurt before – due to the fact that the person left, you chose to leave, or because of a death – and you believe that you will never experience love again because there is only one “The One” for each person in the world, then you will continue to take actions that are consistent with that belief. Even if you do go out and date different people, you will always find a reason why he’s not “good enough,” doesn’t “measure up” to your lost love, or how he reminds you too much of the one who broke your heart. Over and over, you’ll experience having a broken heart or never really having the experience of loving and being loved ever again.
Bottom line: In order for there to be a change in your experience of life and love, it’s going to require a mental and emotional “shift” to begin to see things differently.
Sound difficult? It can be. But it doesn’t have to be!
See, that “truth” that you are clinging true is no more and no less “true” than the opposite of that statement. What do I mean? Well, if you believe, for example, that all men want from you is sex, that is no more and no less true than telling yourself that every man you meet is dying to make you his wife! The only difference is that you’ve been telling yourself one thing a lot longer than the other, and you’ve spent a lot of time and energy gathering evidence and convincing yourself that it is true! So, now, what if you begin to see every man as someone who is committed to pleasing and making you smile, and trying his hardest to be the one you will choose to love for the rest of his life? What if that was the truth? What would the experience of dating be like then? Hmmmm…
If the “truth” you’ve been holding onto is that your marriage is beyond repair, that your husband doesn’t want the relationship to work, and that you’re better off alone, then you will likely spend every minute of every day looking for evidence to support this. You’ll see how distant he is. How he seems to not care about anything – especially you. However, what if you choose to believe that the promises you made to each other on your wedding day were not merely “suggestions” or “a wish”? What if you were to begin to look for evidence of all of the ways your husband shows that he does want the relationship to work – even if the way he chooses to do this is by being quiet and distant (because he’d rather do that than constantly be arguing with you, because he loves you)? What if you were to choose to focus your energy on looking for evidence of all the qualities that had you fall in love with him in the first place (because they are still there… only buried beneath a pile of complaints and expectations)? What would the experience of being married and doing whatever you could to shift things around – beginning with yourself? Hmmmm…
The point is that you create your own “truth.” You can choose to believe something different. See, if we’re going to make up what the truth is for ourselves, we may as well make up something that empowers and inspires us, rather than something that fills us with fear, cynicism and resignation, right?
So, here are some steps you can take in order to begin “the shift”:
- Write down all of the things you “already know to be true” about yourself, men, and relationships.
- Next to each statement, write down what it is costing you to continue believing that this is “the truth.”
- Under each statement write a new and empowering affirmation – a new truth – that you can begin to repeatedly tell yourself so that you can begin the process of “rewiring” your brain and believing in what’s truly possible for YOU!
What “truth” have you been holding on to? Are you ready to let it go in order to have the love and life you desire and deserve?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 22, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.”
~ Tom Bradley
Below is a revised version of a newsletter we sent out last year. The message is so powerful I wanted to make sure it made it into our blog archives!
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
“I can’t seem to meet anyone I’m interested in.”
“I already tried that.”
“I’m too old.”
“I’m too busy.”
“I have kids.”
“I’m not ready.”
It’s too late.
These are examples of some of the “reasons” we hear from women explaining why they feel they need to wait before (or completely avoid) working on creating the relationship of their dreams.
I understand how easy it is to fall into this type of trap. I’m a full-time married mom with her own business, a house to take care of, multiple projects going on at the same time, and family and friends with whom I want to spend time. Sometimes the “I am too busy” reason for not doing the things I’m committed to pops into my head and out of my mouth before I even realize it!
The same can be true when it comes to dating and relationships. It can seem like there’s just not enough time to do the things that can lead us to having the love and life we say we are committed to having and that we want more than anything else. The truth is that chances are pretty high that there will always be a lot of “stuff” – work, family, responsibilities, hobbies – keeping you busy. If you have kids, unless they are close to being adults, you will have them to take care of for a while. If you’re actively involved in the community, chances are that you’ll have projects to complete and events to attend. If you’ve had your heart broken, it’s natural to feel afraid of risking your heart again. I’m not invalidating any of these reasons at all. I am however, inviting you to consider being “UNreasonable”!
What does being “unreasonable” mean? It means moving beyond where you would normally allow your reasons to stop you. It means pushing past the circumstances and doing what needs to be done anyway. It means allowing yourself to feel that familiar pang of fear and taking a leap of faith anyway. It means that you simply do not let your “reasons” stop you from having and experiencing all that you desire and deserve.
When you move beyond your reasons, you create a space – a space where new possibilities and opportunities that were not available to you just a minute ago are now possible! And it is in this space – the space right outside of your comfort zone – that breakthroughs occur and miracles happen!
If you feel like you’ve been “stuck” in any area of your life, and particularly in the areas of dating and relationships, consider that your reasons may be keeping you in that not-so-comfortable “comfort zone.” Consider moving beyond the reason, breaking through it, and seeing what opens up! I guarantee that you will experience yourself and your life in a completely different light!
What “reasons” have been stopping you from having the love and the life your heart desires? Are you ready to move past them and be UNreasonable?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 21, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the biggest “Love Myths” I hear a lot is that, after awhile, the romance in a relationship begins to fade. When I think of “fading,” I often think of a flashlight that’s had the same pair of batteries in it for a while. It will still give off some light, but eventually, the light fades completely. Well, thank goodness for rechargeable batteries!
Seriously, romance does not have to “fade.” What it needs is to be kept alive. And that happens by simply being intentional about continuing to demonstrate love, respect, gratitude, and tenderness. It’s making time to connect with and listen to one another. It’s about bringing fun and laughter into our conversations, dancing in the kitchen, and doing the things we enjoy doing together. And, of course, it’s about making time for physical, sensual, and sexual connection, as well. In essence, it’s about making sure that we make keeping our “romance batteries” charged a priority.
Might “romance” look different as the years go by, when kids enter the picture, and as our roles and responsibilities change? Maybe… But remember that “different” can also mean better, more exciting, and even more fun!
What will you do to keep your romance batteries charged this week?
Photo credit: Franchesca Rullan of FCPR Studios
