by heartsdesireintl | Aug 23, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This morning I was reading a daily meditation book, and the thought for the day was around the power that our words have to either build people up or tear them down. It’s easy to forget just how powerful our thoughts and words are and how they can impact our relationships.
Many times, when we are unhappy, disappointed, or scared, we feel the need to say exactly what is on our minds. And sharing your feelings is healthy. When you’re dating or in a relationship with someone, you want to be able to share what’s on your heart and mind.
The issue, however, is not really around whether or not you should say what’s on your mind. It’s more about how you choose to say it! See, many times, when we think we’re sharing our “feelings,” what we’re really doing is complaining and blaming – which can also be translated as nagging and criticizing – neither of which is encouraging or inspiring!
When you repeatedly tell the man you are dating or in a relationship with what you think he is doing wrong, how that makes you feel, and what he needs to differently, it can be difficult for him to actually hear what you’re feeling or what you want. All he hears is what a disappointment he is. And, since men see themselves through the eyes of the women they love, the message that comes through loud and clear is that he’s not capable of pleasing you, which, by the way, is at the top of a good man’s list! This can cause him to want to stop trying.
So, what can you do to say what how you are feeling without tearing him down?
Vent with someone else before you share how you feel.
It can be difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling hurt. Sometimes, it feels like there’s an immediate trigger that goes off! Holding in or ignoring your feelings is not a good idea, but neither is saying or doing something you’re most likely going to regret. Instead of going off on him in a moment of rage, call someone you trust and who you know will listen without judging or gossiping, and share your feelings with her. After letting everything out, you may find that you’re able to think and express what you’re feeling more clearly and without resorting to blaming or making him wrong.
Focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did.
Leading with how you’re feeling, rather than with trying to blame or make him feel guilty will make it more likely that he’ll be able to hear how you are feeling, rather than feel the need to defend his actions.
So, instead of saying something like, “You always put your job and other people before me! I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter!” you could say, “I miss spending time with you.”
Rather than saying, “I feel so angry when you forget to call me during the day,” you could say, “I really like when you take the time to call me during the day. It makes me smile to know that you’re thinking about me.”
Expressing yourself this way takes a lot more vulnerability than striking in anger, which can feel scary. But, again, it’s a lot more likely that he’ll be able to actually hear what you are saying when he’s not feeling like he needs to defend himself.
Let go of any expectations regarding how he’ll respond.
Sometimes we hold back on sharing our feelings and desires because we think we already know how he’s going to respond and we’re afraid of what his reaction will be. Again, ignoring your feelings is not healthy, and it should feel safe to share what you’re feeling with the man you love. So, once you’ve processed your feelings with someone else and you are able to express them clearly and purely – without blame – let go of any expectations regarding how he will or should respond. How or whether he chooses to respond is out of your control, but how and what you choose to say isn’t. If you choose to follow the steps above, it’s likely that the response is more likely to be tender and understanding when he can see that he’s not being “punished” or attacked.
Sharing and expressing our feelings is an important part of being in a relationship, and when we can do that without casting blame, shame, or guilt on our partner, we’re on the path to making that relationship the loving, peaceful, intimate partnership our hearts truly desire!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 21, 2013 | Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend served as one of those filled with a bunch of teachable moments about what it takes to make relationships work. Call it hormones, sadness at seeing how quickly the summer came and went, or simply not choosing to be aware enough to make conscious choices, but I messed up. And it cost me.
See, one of the lynch pins that holds a relationship together is respect. For men, knowing that they are respected and appreciated by the woman they love is one of the most important things. Whether you choose to believe it or not, the man you love sees himself through your eyes. This is why when we criticize, complain, contradict, or correct them, the response we get is usually less than desirable. They don’t like seeing themselves as incompetent, incapable, or inadequate when they look into our eyes.
So, when I chose to respond to my husband with sarcasm, corrected the way he was driving, and then complained about not having help while cleaning the house, his response was not that of the tender, loving hero I’m used to. But, I wasn’t being the loving, respectful goddess he’s used to, either.
Choosing to be right about how to take a turn so that the fries wouldn’t spill all over the backseat sent the message that I didn’t think he knew how to drive and that he purposefully caused the fries to spill (really?). And making little comments under my breath (and not-so-under-my-breath) about how I was the only one cleaning the house did not inspire him or my two boys to gallantly offer to help me the way they usually do when I simply say, “I need help.”
Instead, these little digs led to an argument, which led to that uncomfortable and uneasy silence that I hate, and to wasting several precious hours that we could have spent just having fun together as a family on the last day of summer, which was what I really wanted.
At first, I was hurt and wanted to feel sorry for myself because of how angrily my husband had spoken to me. It’s always so much easier to see what the other person should and could have done differently. I wanted to stay angry. I wanted to be right.
However, once I got really clear about how my choice of words and my unwillingness to ask for help were costing me intimacy, I also got really clear that being right just wasn’t worth it to me. I’d much rather be happy than be right!
I also saw where I was responsible for the way things turned out. In this case, the culprits were my own ego and pride – not wanting to be vulnerable enough to ask for help, and choosing, instead, to make everyone around me wrong for not offering to help!
Putting pride first is not vulnerable, and without vulnerability, there simply is no possibility for intimacy.
Once I was willing to see this, I was also able to see all of the things that my husband had done during that day to help me – things I couldn’t see when I was focusing on everything that was “wrong” and on what he wasn’t doing. I stopped and allowed myself to feel the gratitude, and then I expressed the gratitude to my husband and apologized to him for speaking disrespectfully and not simply asking for help.
I wish I could say that everything went back to normal right away. Unfortunately, one of the prices for choosing to be right over being happy is that sometimes the other person may still be at the impact of your words or actions, and it may take a while for them to come around. It did take a little while, but I gave him the space to feel what he was feeling, and was happy that after we put the kids to bed, we watched one of our favorite shows together, and that, by the end of the night, I was able to kiss my honey good night, say, “I love you,” and hear, “I love you, too.”
See, spending time with my husband, letting him know how much I love him, and having him let me know he loves me, too – that’s what I’m committed to creating and experiencing in my relationship.
And, while I didn’t enjoy it at all, the experience served as a great reminder o,f why I’ve chosen to make the changes in myself that have helped me create the kind of marriage I always dreamed of: When it comes to choosing between being happy or being right, choosing intimacy is always the better choice and results in the loving, passionate relationship I really want!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 16, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Unconditional love.” It’s a phrase used often when people are asked to describe what type of love they’d like to experience or what their definition of “true love” is. The truth is, however, that many of us can tend to be very conditional when it comes to giving and receiving love. We have so many expectations about what love should look like — how it should be demonstrated, and how the other person needs to prove their love for us.
When love is truly unconditional, it means that there are no expectations or rules regarding how it must be given. This means that there wouldn’t be any “formulas” or ultimatums regarding the love, like “If he really loves me, then he would ____ .” The moment we begin to set rules, requirements, and conditions that the love and affection must meet, we have turned our desire for love into an obligation that must be met.
Rather than requiring that love look, sound, or be demonstrated in a particular way, be open and willing to receive the love that is being sent your way. Rather than looking through the lens of it not being “good enough,” receive it graciously, allow yourself feel it and be grateful for it, and then express your gratitude.
And when it comes to giving love to another, it’s also important to let go of the expectations and conditions under which you will demonstrate and give your love. So many times we withhold love, appreciation, and forgiveness, using the withdrawal and absence of our love as a “punishment.” The moment we have the thought that we are not going to show him our love until he says or does something, we are being conditional with our love.
Granted, to be able to give and receive love freely, it’s important that you know that you are in a relationship someone who is good for you – someone who is not cheating on or putting you in any type of physical or emotional danger. Those types of “requirements” are about loving and putting yourself safety and self-care first. But outside of any real physical or emotional danger, if you are with a man who cares for you and gives you the experience of being loved, then there’s absolutely no greater gift that you can give him than accepting him, loving him freely, and receiving the love he gives to you willingly, graciously, and open-heartedly! And the best part about this gift is that being the giver is almost as wonderful as being the recipient!
So, go ahead! Love fully! Love unconditionally!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 13, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.”
~ William Durant
I posted this quote on our Facebook page over the weekend, and it really stuck with me. How many times in our lives do we use the mistakes and failures of the past to keep us stuck where we are? We’ll replay past conversations (or arguments), choices we made, things that we did (or didn’t do) over and over in our heads, continuously making ourselves wrong for what we did back then. However, we’re also using this as an excuse to not move ahead and make a different choice now.
The truth is that if you’re human, you’ve made at least one mistake in the past 24 hours. So, when it comes to love, what would have us believe that we need to be infallible, incapable of making a mistake now and again? And what would make us believe that we are incapable of making different choices, knowing what we know now?
Part of it may be that we’ve seen patterns repeated in our lives. Perhaps there’s been a pattern of choosing men who were not faithful or ready to commit to us. Maybe we’ve made and broken promises to be more respectful and less harsh in our actions and words toward the men we love. Or maybe the promises we’ve broken have been those we’ve made to ourselves – about finally making a commitment to doing whatever it takes to have the relationship of our dreams, or about giving up the fear that has kept us feeling stuck and alone and having the courage to go out there and date or walk up to our beloved and ask for forgiveness.
Whatever it is that has been keeping you stuck in the past – whatever failures, mistakes, or regrets you’ve been holding onto – it’s time to let them go. It’s time to forgive yourself, him, them, and everything else you’ve been making wrong, and just make a choice now to create a brand new start!
So what will you do to create a new start in your love life?
Will you finally let go of resentment and forgive yourself or others?
Will you give up the pride that’s been keeping you stuck and ask for forgiveness?
Will you put your profile up on dating site and just open up to the possibility of attracting new love?
Will you recommit yourself to the relationship you’re in and begin making the changes that will reignite the love that’s begun to fade?
Will you begin working with a relationship coach who can help you identify the fears and patterns holding you back so that you can break free from them and finally start living the life and the love your heart desires? If you’re ready, you’ll want to check out the Create Your Love Story coaching program that is helping women transform their love lives!
Whatever it is that you’re ready to do to breathe life into your love life and relationships, choose one thing you are going to do and do it now!
And let me know what that is in the comments below, because I’d love to hear what it is and support you in any way I can!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 9, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
As women, we don’t always realize the incredible power we have to create the types of relationships we long to experience. It’s easy to look outside of ourselves – perhaps to the history in our families around relationships, to what the world and media outlets are saying is possible, to other people (mainly men) that we can blame – to explain or justify why we are not experiencing what we want in our love lives and relationships.
What takes courage and vulnerability is the willingness to turn the mirror around and look within. It takes courage because, acknowledging that I am the one who can create a change in my life – that I have the power to do that – means that I have to take responsibility for why my relationship and my life don’t look the way I want them to. It means acknowledging where I might need to make some changes, let go of trying to control things, and create space in my life for the love, laughter, peace, and miracles I want to see, feel, and live!
As I shared with someone earlier this week, when I am willing to be responsible for the role I’ve played in my life and my relationship looking the way they do, then I can also take the credit for having made the changes necessary to turn them around! Now, that’s empowering!
As empowering as it is, it’s not always “easy” to take on being responsible and making the changes that will make a difference. And it also doesn’t make it any less scary. There will be a part of us that will wonder or doubt whether the changes will really make a difference. And it can be tempting to have that fear and doubt talk us out of taking action.
For example, a single woman may wonder if giving up her checklist of necessary requirements a man “must” meet in order to date her will mean that she’ll have to settle for someone she’s not interested in or attracted to. Unless her belief that she can have the relationship of her dreams with a man who is interesting, to whom she’s attracted, and who treats her like the goddess she is becomes bigger than her fear, she’ll make the fear and doubt the reasons why she can’t give up the checklist. And she may be cheating herself out of experiencing the very relationship she says she wants.
If a married woman feels that her marriage has lost the romance, that there’s no more friendship or passion, and all that’s left is an amicable roommate-type of relationship, she may wonder whether being more appreciative, more vulnerable, and inviting some romance back into the relationship and the bedroom will work. After all… it’s been years since she felt butterflies in her stomach and gotten goosebumps when he touches or looks at her that way. Allowing herself to be vulnerable also means taking a risk, not knowing how he’ll respond or whether he’ll be interested in having things change. So, unless her belief that she can experience love, passion, and romance again with the man she promised to love forever is bigger than her fear of possibly having her efforts rejected, the fears and doubts will have her cheat herself out of experiencing the very intimacy she longs for.
So, to begin choosing your heart’s desires over your fears:
- Acknowledge what your heart desires. Write it down. Describe how your dream relationship feels. What is the experience of being in that relationship like?
- Notice the fears and doubts that come up as you are describing your dream relationship. What types of thoughts creep into your mind?
- Choose to honor your heart’s desires over your fears. Acknowledge the fears and doubts, and choose to take an action that’s aligned with the type of relationship you want to have, anyway!
It simply comes down to choice. You can choose your fears and doubts, or you can choose to honor your heart’s desires. You can choose to avoid taking a risk, or you can choose to put your heart on the line and allow yourself the opportunity to be pleasantly surprised. You can choose to talk about wanting a happy, loving, intimate relationship, or you can create one. You can choose to allow things to stay the way they are and pretend like you don’t have the power to change them, or you can begin taking the steps to transform them.
The choice, as with anything else, is always up to you.
The real question is: Will you choose to step into your power to create the relationship and the life your heart desires?
If you’re ready to choose your happiness, your dreams, and your heart desires and you’d like support in making them come true, then take a few moments to learn more about how you can begin putting that choice into action today!
Click here to learn more!
This is your life and your happiness we’re talking about! It’s time to choose YOU!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 6, 2013 | Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Are you ready to manifest a miracle in your love life?
If so, this is a quick reminder that if you want your Postcard to the Universe to be included in the art piece that Melisa Caprio will be creating for the upcoming show called “Cloud09″ An Inspirational and Innovative Journey Where the Soul Takes Flight. Dana DellaCamera, a friend and fan of Heart’s Desire International and the show’s curator, has decided to create an event around experiences that enrich our lives. The show, which will open on August 17th, will feature art and music that inspires fills our hearts!
Women from around the globe have been acknowledging, affirming and declaring their heart’s desires!
If you’d like your Postcard to the Universe to be included in Melisa’s miracle-manifesting masterpiece, simply visit the Postcards to the Universe page, select your image from the Postcard Gallery (or use a picture, drawing, or painting of your own), and write your positive affirmations about what you want to experience in the relationship of your dreams on the back!
Postcards must arrive in Melisa’s mail box no later than August 9th to be included in the art show.
And, for those of you who are ready to begin manifesting a miracle in your love life today and you’d like to learn what you can do to begin taking actions that are consistent with your affirmations and declarations, I invite you to learn more about the “Create Your Love Story” coaching and mentoring program. This program will empower you with the skills that will have you attract and manifest the love your heart desires!
->Click here to learn more!<-
You really do have the power to create the loving, fulfilling, passionate, intimate relationship you long for! Let me be your miracle-manifesting partner and celebrate it becoming a reality with you!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photos courtesy of Melisa Caprio and Postcards to the Universe
