by heartsdesireintl | Oct 29, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Last week, a “cyber-friend” of mine lost her husband. Although it was a virtual friendship that started when she heard me speak at a business woman’s networking event, we did create a connection by commenting on one another’s Facebook posts. Soon after we became FB friends, I learned that her husband had been battling cancer for over 3 years. Immediately, our connection grew stronger, with me having experienced my late husband’s battle with cancer over 14 years ago.
Whenever she would write about some good news they received, I felt like I was celebrating right along with her. When they encountered a roadblock or received bad news, I was saddened along with her and tried to send words of hope and encouragement. A few weeks ago, they were given the news no one wants to hear, that there was nothing else modern medicine could do to treat her husband’s cancer. I was frightened for her. I remember hearing those words and being so unwilling to accept them. I remember praying harder than ever and begging God to keep my late husband alive. Although I continued to pray for a miracle, I was afraid for her.
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 28, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
~ Ruth Bell Graham
Another short-and-sweet blog for today.
This morning, as I browsed Facebook, I began to notice how many of the picture quotes had to do with a good marriage. I wasn’t really surprised… We attract what we give most of our attention to, and a lot of the pages I subscribe to are about relationships and marriage. But I’ve also come to believe that when I begin to see a consistent theme in the posts, it’s because I and those I serve may need to hear it. So, I try to listen to the message behind the messages in the posts. Today, the common theme was that having a great marriage – and, therefore, a relationship leading to marriage – involves making daily choices:
Choosing to love now, and now, and now… Choosing to focus on becoming the best versions of ourselves… And, the most recurring message was choosing to forgive. That’s the one I’ll focus on today.
Holding onto resentments, keeping “score” of one another’s mistakes, and making the other person “earn” your forgiveness is not about making your marriage work. It’s about being “right” and makings sure your spouse feels “wrong.” Both people in the relationship are human, and forgiveness cannot be “earned.” It is something that must be given. If you’ve been holding on to anger and resentment, try letting it go and notice the freedom you feel — the lightness — and the ability to allow love to flow freely to and from you.
Is there a past mistake that you’ve been holding against your spouse or boyfriend? Can you see what it is costing you in the form of lost intimacy, joy, and peace? Are you willing to let it go?
Photo credit: pedrosimoes7 via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 27, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
When love is accompanied with deep intimacy, it raises us to the highest level of human experience. In this exalted space, we can surrender our egos, become vulnerable and know levels of joy and well-being unique among life experiences. We attain a glimpse of the rapture that can be ours. Boundaries are blurred, there are no limitations and we rejoice in union. We become one and, at the same time, both.
~ Leo Buscaglia
It’s the weekend, so I’m keeping the blog posts “short and sweet.” I came across this quote about intimacy by Leo Buscaglia, and it sounded like poetry to me. I reread at each line and let it speak to me. I invite you to do the same.
Here’s what my heart heard:
Moments of intimacy are so powerful that you feel like you’re no longer here, in this realm. When you attain that connection – pure and intense – with another heart, it’s as if you’ve ceased to be and have entered a new dimension, where everything – even the act of breathing – is experienced as if in high-definition. And, in the space that is created, there is no need for “masks,” walls, or pretenses. We are safe to be ourselves, completely transparent. We experience joy, fulfillment, and connection so profound that we two become one without losing ourselves.
That’s what my heart heard. What did yours hear?
Photo credit: Toni Kay Photography’s photostream via photopin.com cc
The picture is titled “Two Bodies/One Love. How perfect is that?
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 26, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Love creates an us without destroying a me.”
~ Author Unknown
Perhaps one of the biggest temptations we face when we first begin dating someone we really like is wanting to spend every possible moment with that person. When we’re not physically together, we want to be on the phone, talking, hearing their voice, and basking in the knowledge that they want to be with us just as much as we want to be with them. It really is such a wonderful phase in a relationship, and it’s normal to want to soak up as much of that happiness as possible.
The problem, however, comes in when we make the other person our sole focus, and we begin to neglect or forget about the things and people in our lives who we love and enjoyed prior to becoming part of “a couple.” Perhaps we stop practicing self-care, going to the, gym, spending time with family, going out with our girlfriends, and engaging in the hobbies and activities that we have always enjoyed. This can also lead to us becoming very “clingy” and dependent upon the other person to make us feel happy, because we are no longer taking responsibility for doing the things that bring us pleasure and joy. And, as we saw in yesterday’s blog post, practicing good-self care by doing at least 3 things for ourselves that bring us pleasure and make us feel good is essential to creating our own happiness and having the patience and energy that it’s going to take to make the relationship work!
I fell into this trap myself when I first started dating my husband. I guess you could say ours was a whirlwind romance. From the night we met, to the next night (when we spoke on the phone for 7 hours) to the following night when we went on our first date, this was it! We were inseparable! And, without really noticing it, I began letting go of the activities, people, and practices that were so important to me. The fact that I was traveling for work 75% of the time also had something to do with wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, but it wasn’t until a few years into our marriage that I began to feel resentful about it. I felt like I had “lost” a part of myself and I was angry at my husband because I felt that I had changed in order for him to love me. And, it was impacting our relationship.
I’ll never forget the day that I told him, “I just feel like you suck the joy out of everything I love and enjoy.” (Talk about “Ouch”!)
The weird part of all this? He never asked me to give up the things I loved and enjoyed! I made that choice myself and I was holding it against him! The resentment I felt was displaced. I was really upset with myself for not honoring those things that made me feel happy, peaceful, and confident – the things that made me feel like “me”… The “me” he fell in love with in the first place!
It wasn’t until I began focusing on my own personal growth, practicing self-care, and doing the things that I enjoyed and was passionate about, that I started becoming “me” again. A newer, fresher version of me. And that had a very positive impact on our relationship! I was no longer blaming and making my husband responsible for my happiness or my unhappiness. I was taking responsibility for my own happiness, and that joy spilled over into every area of my life, including my family, friendships, and career!
Transitioning from being single to being in a relationship is a wonderful experience, and, yes, you want to relish in it and receive and enjoy the new-found love! You deserve it! However, just remember to stay true to yourself and who you really are. That’s who you want him to fall in love with anyway, right? The key to creating a wonderful relationship where you get to create an “us” without losing yourself is to keep your life, even though he’s in it!
Are there some areas of your life that you used to enjoy that you’ve let go of simply because you are in a relationship? If so, consider breathing life back into that hobby, friendship, or passion you once had. You and your relationship will both benefit!
Photo credit: ginnerobot via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 25, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
~ Buddha
If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that one of the things we do is to dispel “Love Myths.” One of the love myths that’s pretty prevalent is that the way to show love is to give, give, give to others. Often, women are so busy juggling a bunch of different roles and taking making sure everyone else is taken care of that they neglect to put themselves first – their needs, desires, and the things that bring them pleasure.
One of the first things we tell the women we work with in our workshops and coaching sessions is that, in order to attract, create, and maintain a happy relationship, you need to practice good self-care. What does “practicing good self-care” mean? It means taking responsibility for your own happiness by doing three things for yourself every day that you enjoy doing and make you feel good!
When we first say this, you would think, from the look on the women’s faces, that we asked them to extract three of their own teeth every day! They begin to explain how they can’t even fathom doing one nice thing for themselves on most days, how taking a 10-minute shower is a “bonus” on a good day, and how they just don’t have the time to focus on themselves between their work, school, and family schedules. Our response: If you’re that busy, that’s even more of a reason to practice good self-care!
Why is self-care so important to having a good relationship?
Well, if your single and you’re constantly looking and feeling frazzled, exhausted, and stressed out, it’s just not very attractive. And, when I say “attractive,” I’m not just referring to the physical aspect of looking and feeling beautiful. I’m talking about being attractive in the sense that you are attracting the man who is right for you. See, someone who is sending out the energy that she is too busy and too stressed is not sending out a very inviting “vibe.” If you feel that you can’t make time for yourself, it’s going to be very difficult to make time to share with someone else. There simply isn’t any space for him to step into. So, when you begin to take time for yourself, and you begin to replenish your mind, body, and spirit, you are also getting in touch with your feminine nature and that is very attractive to men!
What about if you’re in a relationship? Creating and maintaining a loving, intimate relationship takes a lot of peace and energy. Contrary to what fairy tales tell us, great relationships don’t “just happen.” Having a wonderful relationship takes the intention and energy to want to make it work, the willingness to be patient and forgiving, and an awareness of how what we say and do impacts the intimacy in the relationship. If you are always tired, stressed out, and “running on fumes,” it’s going to be almost impossible for you to think before you say something hurtful or disrespectful, be able to forgive your boyfriend or spouse when something goes wrong, or have the energy and desire to connect sexually. Taking time to do some of the things that make you feel peaceful, happy, and feminine will go a long way toward refilling your emotional tank so that you are able to give and receive love freely in the relationship.
One of the best things about self-care is that, it doesn’t have to involve spending a lot of money or investing a lot of time. There are things you can do every day at work, at home, or wherever you choose that you can make part of your every day routine.
Some of my favorite self-care practices include:
- Reading for fun
- Taking a nap
- Sleeping in
- Knitting
- Taking a bubble bath
- Spend quiet time praying or meditating
- Wearing different shades of lip gloss every day
- Going for a walk in the morning
- Dancing
- Going out with my friends
- Doing nothing
- Slathering myself in yummy-scented lotions and body sprays
- Watching one of my favorite shows while I’m lying in bed
- Snuggling with my kids in the mornings or at bedtime (I need to take advantage of this one while they still want to!)
But what if you really feel like you’re too busy and just can’t fit any of this into your day? We recommend that you actually schedule your self-care – at least in the beginning, while you’re getting used to it. Schedule the activity in your phone or on your computer’s calendar so that it pops up and gives you that visual reminder. Schedule it just as you would a doctor’s appointment, because that’s how important it is to your emotional health! We also recommend that you start with the activities you really enjoy. This will make it more fun and give you something to look forward to, which will make it easier to begin making self-care a habit!
And if you begin to feel “guilty” about focusing on yourself, because you feel you’re being “selfish,” or that you could be spending your self-care time with your family, I invite you to just give that up! What’s selfish is thinking that you don’t need to feel special and pampered, and relaxed! When you begin to make self-care a priority, not only are you showing others that you hold yourself in high regard, but you are letting people (especially the men in your life) know what you like, enjoy, and desire (great information for them to have!). In addition, the new-found peace, happiness, and energy you will begin to experience is not only a gift for you, it’s a gift to those who are around you and get to benefit from it, as well! You will become a better girlfriend, wife, mother, and employee when you take the time to replenish your mind, body, and spirit.
Remember, in order to attract, create, and maintain a good relationship, the key is to take care of yourself first!
What are some of the things you do to practice good self-care? Please share them in the comments below so that we can “borrow” one another’s ideas! Click on the box to receive notification of responses so that you can check in again and get some new self-care ideas to practice yourself!
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 24, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear.
~ Oprah Winfrey
This week, we’ve been talking about reasons, excuses, the things we hold to be “the truth,” and today I’d like to talk about fear. There are few things in life that are more paralyzing than fear. Fear can stop us from moving forward, taking a risk, or breaking through the barriers that prevent us from living a happy, fulfilled life.
But what is it that we’re afraid of? Perhaps one of my favorite explanations of the word fear is the acronym F.E.A.R.:
Just like the excuses and “truths” we hold on to that, in turn, hold us back, our fears can paralyze us, keep us “stuck” where we are – unwilling and seemingly unable to take the actions that are consistent with what we say we want.
Usually, a fear can be traced back to something in our past – an event that left us feeling alone, abandoned, embarrassed, hurt, deceived. There was a moment where we felt the sting of disappointment and we made a decision – a vow, if you will – that this would never happen to us again. We would never allow ourselves to trust anyone ever again. We would never really be taken care of or protected by anyone except ourselves. We would never allow ourselves to love someone that fully and completely ever again.
And, in that life-defining moment, we allowed the fear to run the show called “my life.” We gave the fear permission to decide who we would go out with and even who we would allow to approach us. We allowed the fear to decide just how much of ourselves we’d be willing to let someone else see about who we really are and how much of ourselves they would ever be able to experience. We allowed the fear to weigh and measure our words; to strategize in order to control and manipulate people and situations so that they will turn out exactly the way we wanted. We allowed the fear to shut us down, kill off new possibilities, and keep us alone… even though, we say that what we want more than anything is to be loved and share our lives with someone else.
And, lest you think I’m only referring to those who are single, let me clarify. Some of us who are in relationships are still terrified of allowing the person we love to see us and know us completely. We allow the fear of possibly being disappointed again to keep us holding on to that last 5, 20, or 50 percent of our love. We never allow ourselves to fully open our hearts and our Selves to another. We allow the fear to hold on to that little bit of our Selves… just in case…
Now, am I saying to put yourself in emotional or physical harm just to “prove” that you are not afraid? Absolutely not! Your emotional and physical safety always come first. However, if you are always “careful,” always weary of others, always on the defense, then you want to take some time to identify the fear – bring it out of your blind spot and see it for what it is: A neurological brain pattern… A thought… False Evidence Appearing Real. That’s all it is. But, left undistinguished and in the background, the fear will continue running the show. And you’ll be left were you are – afraid, alone, and wondering if you’ll ever really experience what it is like to love and be loved freely – free from the fear, free to love, free to experience all this life has to offer and the abundant love, peace, and joy for which you were created!
It’s up to you. You always get to choose.
The question is: Will you choose love over fear?
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