by heartsdesireintl | Jun 20, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
As a health coach myself, I don’t seem to be able to break the fear of never being truly cherished, like all women want to be. I can effectively coach others in health and spiritual issues, but I have a difficult time trusting myself in the romantic love area. This has especially been the case since a relationship that was going strong fizzled within a couple days. I thought I was practicing the surrendered single philosophy with this man, to no avail.
Thanks for being so vulnerable in asking your question. The fact that you are a coach and able to get people to being taking steps to create healthier lives probably makes it easier for you to understand that a lot of what stops us from having what we really want in our lives is fear. And, 99 percent of the time, the things we fear are not real. Many times, they are based on our past and on what we have already experienced, and we tend to project those experiences into our future.
The truth is that you are already love-able – able to love and be loved. If you can distinguish what it is that you are actually afraid of, then you can see it for what it is – nothing but a thought – and you can choose to either honor it or not honor it.
So, what is it that you are afraid of? You mention that you’re afraid of never truly being cherished. The first question I’d like you to ask yourself is whether there is something about yourself that you have not yet brought love, forgiveness and acceptance to. You know, as a health coach, that not bringing love, forgiveness, or acceptance to parts of our bodies can cause us to make choices that actually harm our bodies, even if we say that we want to be healthy. So, is there something about yourself – physically or emotionally – that you’ve not yet embraced or accepted? Is it something you’re afraid that the man you are with will see or discover and not accept? If so, are you willing to bring love and acceptance to that part of you now so that you can begin to invite love into your life?
You also mention that you don’t trust yourself when it comes to love and romance. The first thing this made me think of is whether you made a choice in the past that you now regret. Many times, when we think that we haven’t made very good choices when it comes to relationships, it’s because we weren’t willing to listen to and trust our intuition in a previous relationship. Perhaps we ignored the red flags that were letting us know that the guy wasn’t someone who we could trust. Perhaps we didn’t want to listen if he said that he wasn’t interested in being in a committed relationship, and we kept holding on, in hopes that he would change his mind. Or perhaps we continue to attract men who are not available or unwilling to commit or be faithful.
Regardless of the choices you made in the past, it’s important that you, again, forgive yourself and not make yourself wrong or beat yourself up for having made those choices. Forgive yourself, take the lessons that you learned from those experiences, and remember them as you move toward inviting new love into your life.
You mentioned a relationship that fizzled after a few days. I’m wondering whether this was someone with whom you were in an actual committed relationship, or someone who you were just dating. Regardless of the answer, if it fizzled that quickly, chances are that he wasn’t the right guy for you, so it’s better that you learned that early on. I know it doesn’t minimize the pain you may feel now, but it’s better than having invested months, or even years, in a relationship that was not going to result in a lifetime love. So, again, take the lessons you learned, be grateful for them, and be courageous enough to open your heart to the possibility of inviting someone new into your life. And continue practicing the surrendered singles principles to attract to yourself the man who is right for you!
Bottom line: You were created to love and be loved. Don’t buy into the story that you’re not meant to experience that. If there is a fear or doubt in the way, you know the power of coaching, so work with a coach to get those fears distinguished, dismantled, and out of the way so that you can begin to enjoy the experience of being in the relationship your heart desires!
Questions? Comment? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 19, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
To see the Part 1 of this question and my response, go to yesterday’s post, “Your Thoughts Affect How You Experience Relationships.”
Dear Gladys,
Thanks for answering my question. I should have been clearer on what I meant by Masculine and Feminine. I don’t even think they are the right terms to use, but they do seem more like the negative, unhealthy sides of masculine and feminine energies, without the positive sides.
The “Feminine” men are the ones who are weak and indecisive, but also manipulative. They tend to have emotional problems, talk about their feelings endlessly (and I really mean endlessly, to the point where I dread seeing them because I know that’s all we’ll talk about, and if I ask if we can talk about something else, I’ll be accused of being cold and uncaring) but refuse professional help and want me to take care of them instead. They are very needy and clingy. They usually try to guilt and pressure me into a relationship with them and if that doesn’t work, they’ll recruit other people to pile on the pressure. They have very strong victim mentalities and are convinced that no-one understands them, everyone is mean to them and they usually identify “mean” as anyone who didn’t want to take responsibility for them. I find myself walking on eggshells around them, in case anything I say leads them to having some kind of freak out (I once had to pull over the car I was driving because the guy suddenly started freaking out about how he should never have to feel uncomfortable in any situation, and so what if everyone has to deal with this, f*ck them, why should he be constrained by their limitations) They seem like bottomless pits of need, no matter what anyone does for them, it’s never enough, and they turn pretty nasty when they don’t get their own way. Rather than a woman, they seem to want a mother or an unpaid therapist.
With the more Masculine men, when I say they seem controlling, I don’t mean in the sense that they take the lead or make decisions. I love that, and really appreciate when a man does it. I mean in the sense that, for example, they might have traveled a lot themselves, but really don’t like the fact that I have. They’re rude and short with waiters if the food isn’t EXACTLY how they want it, and get angry about it. They boast about how people in their work jump to their commands as soon as they click their fingers. They talk about how women should never put on weight and should always look and dress a certain way. I even had one guy tell me if he was married, he’d have limits on how often his wife’s family and friends could visit.
I used to get pulled in by the first type of guy’s story and would believe that he’d been hard done by. I don’t anymore and I leave when I see the signs of that behavior. The second kind of guy seems to be what I’m attracting now, so I seem to have over-corrected. Neither type of guy is very kind or loving.
Thanks for sending more clarification regarding your question and what you meant by “masculine” and “feminine.” I agree that those probably weren’t the best terms to describe what you were referring to, but I still invite you to explore this, because it could give you some insight into how you see yourself and men, since you refer to the men you see as being “feminine” as being needy and clingy. I’m not saying that this is how you see yourself as a woman, or women, in general, but it’s just something to look at and explore.
It appears that you’ve identified the pattern the first type of man you were attracting as men who were looking for someone to take care of or “rescue” them. As you described very well, that type of pattern can be exhausting, because you become an emotional “crutch” for the man and are constantly in giving mode, rather than receiving mode. While you may not be attracting that type of man anymore, I invite you to explore what it was that had you attracting men who you felt “needed” you to protect or save them. I’m not saying that you made them needy or that you even intended to attract that type of man. However, when there is a recurring pattern presenting itself in our lives, as I mentioned in the previous post, it’s not a coincidence. There is something that would have that type of man be drawn to you.
What I’ve seen with some of my clients is that they were unconsciously attracting men to whom they felt a little superior. Due to their own insecurities about themselves, they were seeking out someone who perhaps would not mind that they had something that they had not yet fully embraced or accepted within themselves.
Some women tend to draw in people who need them because they associate love with “giving” or “nurturing.” While, of course, in a relationship there will be times when we will be giving and sharing our love with the other person, the imbalance comes in when we are the only ones giving, which is what it sounds like you were experiencing. In this case, there comes a point where you feel depleted because you have been giving and giving and not receiving much love from yourself (in the form of self-care) or the other person in the relationship.
The other thing I noticed was that you mentioned the pattern of the men trying to “guilt you” into being in a relationship with them and then recruiting others to do the same. I’ve found that when we send a clear message about what we want and don’t want, even if the other person doesn’t really like or want to hear what we’re saying, there’s no need to feel pressured in any way, because we’re crystal-clear about what we want. It’s when we’re sending mixed messages, trying to be subtle about what we want, or even suggesting that we “stay friends,” when we have no interest whatsoever in doing that, that the other person interprets this as there still being some type of room or hope for there to eventually be a relationship.
From your response it seems like you are now attracting the type of man who (from your description) seems to be very demanding, critical, and overbearing. Again, I invite you to explore why you might be attracting this type of man? Think about whether there is anything happening on the date that might have a man feel that he needs to “prove” that he’s smarter, more worldly, powerful, and that he commands respect from others.
Again, you’re not responsible for anyone else’s behavior, but you are the magnet that is attracting these men. By looking within, you may be able to identify what it is that would have this pattern emerging, because this is no more “a coincidence” than it is for the woman who keeps attracting men who are addicted to substances, men who are incapable of being faithful, or men who can’t keep a job. We, as women, are natural magnets, so I invite you to do the inner work to see if you can identify what it is that could be causing this pattern to show up in your life, when it clearly sounds like it’s not what you want to experience when you’re on a date or in a relationship.
Perhaps there’s a fear of being controlled, losing yourself, or not having a man accept and love you exactly the way you are. If a fear is strong enough and you focus on it enough, you may actually be attracting to yourself what you don’t want.
Some steps you can take are to ask yourself the questions I included in yesterday’s post, as well as a few others:
- What are my limiting beliefs about men?
- What is are my limiting beliefs about men and how they relate to me?
- What am I afraid will happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
- What I am I afraid will not happen once I’m in a relationship with a man?
Once you have the answers to those questions, ask yourself:
- How do each of my limiting beliefs or fears show up when I’m on a date or in a relationship?
- With which new thoughts and affirmations am I willing to replace these limiting beliefs and fears?
Some examples of new thoughts and affirmations might be:
- I attract men who are interesting, loving, and kind.
- I attract men who are as attracted to me as I am to them.
- I attract men with whom I have fun and feel comfortable.
It’s important to keep in mind that you’ll want to do the inner work first, so that you can clear the doubts and fears out of the way and be able to really embrace and believe the affirmations!
While it can feel frightening or uncomfortable to look within and do the inner work, the only way to remove whatever it is that’s blocking or standing in your way of attracting the kind of man with whom you can create the relationship of your dreams is to identify the fear and limiting belief, see it for what it is, and then choose to remove and replace it with new thoughts, actions, and ways of being that have you attract what you do want to experience in dating and relationships!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 17, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
I’ve been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 7 years. When we first met, everything seemed to click into place. One thing he talked about was sensuality and sexuality and said he had an extremely high libido. Well, that never showed itself and I figured since we had so many different challenges over the years, once “one thing” is taken care of, then we’d have this blissful sex he used to talk about. Seven years later and I’ve given up hope.
I’ve been wanting sex, but he never does and never did. I’ve tried to look pretty myself in so many ways, be the perfect loving wife, tried to be patient as he sorted through life’s challenges. We average the sex act 3 or 4 times a year. It’s never pleasurable for me, but it’s something. He doesn’t know how to please me, though I’ve gently tried to encourage him. We’ve been to couples counseling and basically they feel he’s lazy and didn’t have any upbringing on lovemaking and relationships. Though he talked the talk, that was it.
We went to his primary care doctor to see if he had any medical issues to attribute to this. Nothing. He does have restless leg syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder. He recently was diagnosed with depression and is on medication. The meds made him a new person for the better, except, the lack of sex and intimacy is the same.
He spoke so sweet to me at first, as if I was his world 7 yrs ago but shortly after, became part of the furniture or his roommate or UFC buddy. I get judged by people saying why am I with him. Well, he said he loves me and he doesn’t know why he’s like that. I tell myself and others who judge me that if I was that person who had the issue, I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Then, I’m regarded as a fool, my friends and family disappear and treat me as if I’m a clown.
I can hear your frustration and can imagine there is some sadness mixed in with the hopelessness you’re feeling. Sexual intimacy is such an important part of marriage, and, when it’s missing, it can lead to frustration and resentment.
While you say you’ve given up hope, I also hear that you are not ready to give up on him or your relationship. This is a testament to the love you feel for him and makes me think that there are other things about your husband that you love. Those are probably the same qualities that had you fall in love with and choose to marry him.
I’m wondering whether you and your husband practice other forms of intimacy besides intercourse. Is there any hand-holding, kissing, or hugging? Do you stimulate and please one another in other ways? Are you open to using toys and other stimulants in the bedroom? Sometimes, when the focus is not on the act of intercourse and there is play involved, it can make it easier for both partners to relax, explore, and discover new ways to please each other.
The fact that your husband has been willing to go to medical doctors and couples’ counseling is a testament to the fact that he knows you’re unhappy and he wants to try to make things better. Listening to counselors tell him that he’s lazy and doesn’t know how to make love or be in a relationship can’t be easy to hear. If he also hears from you how unhappy you are, how he’s not meeting your expectations and how he needs to figure out what is wrong, it could be adding to his inability to initiate or perform.
I’m wondering if you’d be willing to not mention the fact that he never wants to have sex for a while. The pressure of knowing that this is an aspect of your relationship that you are not happy about and in which he seems to be unable to please you could make it even more difficult for him to initiate. If some of the pressure was off, it’s possible that he might feel more relaxed, confident, and willing to initiate. I know it’s probably easier said than done, but, given how much our men want to please and see us happy, I believe that, if given some space without sex feeling like an obligation he’s not meeting may make it easier for him to make the first move.
In the meantime, I recommend that you take good care of yourself. This means making sure that you are doing things for yourself that make you feel good. It’s important that you are caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual, as well as your sexual needs by doing something every day for the pure and simple pleasure of it.
Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. It can be anything that you enjoy doing – reading, exercising, going for a walk, spending time with your girlfriends (the ones who are supportive of you trying to save your marriage, not the ones who you mention are judging you and your husband). It can be lighting a candle while you take a long bath, listening to your favorite music, engaging in a hobby – basically anything that you enjoy and brings you pleasure. And, yes, it can mean pleasuring yourself sexually, if that is what you feel you need.
Practicing self-care not only helps us take responsibility for our own happiness, but it also helps us have more peace and patience than when we’re feeling exhausted, anxious, and depleted of energy and joy. We are much better able to be loving, understanding, and patient with our spouses when we’ve replenished ourselves and are not depending on them to make us happy. And a woman who is peaceful, smiling, and appreciative is also very attractive! You’ll be feeling and looking good, both inside and out!
I’m not saying that this will solve all of your issues, or that your husband will all of a sudden begin initiating sex. However, focusing on other forms of intimacy, refraining from complaining about or bringing up the lack of sex, and practicing good self-care can help create a space where the opportunity to have sex doesn’t feel like an obligation for either one of you, and where you will feel better able to deal with the situation, while, at the same time, creating opportunities to connect with your husband in different ways.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 14, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I was grocery shopping, not looking my best at all, and this super handsome guy started talking to me about the almond milk we were both buying. Then he asked about what I was checking out, and it was these beautiful round beets. I proceeded to tell him how I cook them. I was nervous because he was so good looking. I then had to pack my bags and deal with payment to the cashier. But I made sure to give him a huge beaming smile and said, “Enjoy your almond milk.”
I did the whole flirty thing, not worrying about my looks – even told him my secret recipe of adding a spoonful of coconut oil to chilled almond milk, which makes a little crunchy ice sorbet. I was being myself. You know what? It felt good.
Was there something I could have asked him without being weird or overbearing to continue flirting? I see no divine obstacle to one meeting one’s future husband in line at the supermarket. The thing is, what to do with it? How does one prepare for these sudden flirty moments, be open yet classy, because I was packing my groceries, averting my gaze, knowing he was looking at me, and was very nervous although it felt awesome, too.
First, I want to acknowledge you for getting your flirt on! It’s obvious that you were doing something to send the message that it was safe for this guy to approach and speak with you. I especially like how you didn’t let concerns about how you looked stop you from interacting with him and flirting back!
You smiled and chatted with him, but I hear that you feel there was something missing or something that you could have done to keep the flirt going. The good news is that you didn’t do anything “wrong.” The even better news is that there are a few other things you can do to be “flirt-ready” when the opportunity to flirt with someone presents itself!
- Let him see you smile. Many women underestimate the magnetic power of a smile. There is something about a smile that, not only makes you look happy, but also translates into feeling happy. It also lets men know that you are someone who is “safe” to approach, meaning that there’s a good chance they won’t be rejected if they choose to come up to and speak with you.
- Let him know you’d like to go out with him. Now, this does not mean that you ask him out on a date. Instead, you ask him to ask you out by showing interest in something that he mentions during conversation. You can also give him your number and tell him you’d love to go out with him if he’s interested. This, sends him the message that you’d probably say yes, if he asked. It’s also very different from asking him on a date, because you are leaving the actual asking for the date and the pursuing up to him.
- Always be “flirt-ready.” It always makes me smile when women mention that they met a guy right after working out at the gym, at the grocery store, and in unexpected places or events. That’s why it’s important to always be flirt-ready and try to look your best. Am I saying that you have to look like a Stepford Wife each time you leave the house because men are only interested in your looks? No, but, when you look good, you feel good, and you emit radiant, feminine energy. And that’s what men are attracted to. So, even if you’re not dressed to the nines, before you leave the house check to see if you feel good about the way you look and remind yourself that this just might be “the day” you meet the man of your dreams!
Being pleasantly surprised is one of my favorite aspects of dating and relationships. Love can enter your life when and where you least expect it. This is why you can never really know when you may meet the man who will eventually ask you to share your life with him. So, as my older son, who is a Cub Scout would say: Be prepared. Smile, give him your number or let him know you’d like to see him, and look and feel your very best!
And expect the unexpected!
Comments? Questions? Was this answer helpful? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 13, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I am a woman in my late forties, and have no trouble attracting men. However, once I have attracted them I have a very hard time letting them know that the attraction is mutual. I find it almost impossible to even smile at them. I am very aware that I am getting in my own way on my path to love. How can I uncover what is causing this pattern, and how do I overcome it?
I want to begin by acknowledging you for being self-aware enough to recognize that you are the one actually standing in the way of attracting the love you want. Many women would make it about the men, rather than themselves, so you’re definitely on the right path to creating a breakthrough for yourself in this area!
In my experience, one of the first things a man notices, which lets him know that It’s “safe” to come over and speak to a woman is her smile. A smile usually attracts attention and lets men know that you are approachable, which makes leads me to believe that, at some point, you are actually smiling, and then, once a man comes over to and shows interest in you, you tend to not be comfortable with the attention.
So the question is, what is it that makes you uncomfortable about a man being attracted to you?
Sometimes, the answer to this question is pretty simple. It usually has to do with how you see yourself. It may be that, as attracted as men are to you, you still don’t fully love and accept yourself exactly the way you are. Think about it this way, if you were secure about yourself, your worth, and what you bring to the table, there would be no reason to allow a man to get to know you. You would feel comfortable just “being” yourself and then allowing him to choose whether or not he’d like to continue getting to know you by asking you out.
Instead, by not smiling, you are almost guaranteeing that he will get the message that (1) you are not interested in him, and (2) you have no desire for him to pursue getting to know you. This can make the conversation awkward, as he may feel confused, having gotten the message before coming up to you that you were approachable, and then getting a message that you’d like him to stay away. The chances of him asking you out on a date, if this is the vibe he is getting from you, are slim-to-none. As confident as a man is, he doesn’t want to be rejected any more than you do, so he’s likely to protect himself and move on to someone who’s sending a clearer message about what she would like.
The issue may also have to do with the meaning you are giving to smiling and letting him know that the attraction is mutual. Is there a part of you that thinks that, once he starts getting to know you, he won’t be interested in getting to know you better? Is there something about yourself you’re afraid he will discover and not like/accept, so you’re trying to avoid giving him the chance to connect with you so that you don’t have to experience that rejection? If so, it could be that you haven’t brought love and acceptance to that part of yourself. If this resonates with you, perhaps it’s time to bring love, forgiveness, and acceptance to that part of yourself so that you can begin to open up to and experience the love that is already waiting for you.
And, finally, remember that a smile is simply a way to attract attention without any intention. In other words, even if someone is attracted to and begins speaking with you, there are no strings attached, no obligation for it to go any further than a conversation, unless it’s what you want. So, whether or not he asks you out on a date, you still get to choose whether you’d like to go out with and get to know him better.
So, my advice to you is: Relax. Smile. Be Yourself. Don’t allow your fears about what may or may not happen cheat you out of receiving a man’s attention and having fun as you get to know one another. I can hear that you want to get on the path to discovering and experiencing love. It’s time to remove the barriers that have been stopping that love from finding its way to you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 12, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course, he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?
Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves. You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”
I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.” But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you. Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together. Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change. Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.
I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around! So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship? And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?
So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve. And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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