by heartsdesireintl | Jun 14, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I was grocery shopping, not looking my best at all, and this super handsome guy started talking to me about the almond milk we were both buying. Then he asked about what I was checking out, and it was these beautiful round beets. I proceeded to tell him how I cook them. I was nervous because he was so good looking. I then had to pack my bags and deal with payment to the cashier. But I made sure to give him a huge beaming smile and said, “Enjoy your almond milk.”
I did the whole flirty thing, not worrying about my looks – even told him my secret recipe of adding a spoonful of coconut oil to chilled almond milk, which makes a little crunchy ice sorbet. I was being myself. You know what? It felt good.
Was there something I could have asked him without being weird or overbearing to continue flirting? I see no divine obstacle to one meeting one’s future husband in line at the supermarket. The thing is, what to do with it? How does one prepare for these sudden flirty moments, be open yet classy, because I was packing my groceries, averting my gaze, knowing he was looking at me, and was very nervous although it felt awesome, too.
First, I want to acknowledge you for getting your flirt on! It’s obvious that you were doing something to send the message that it was safe for this guy to approach and speak with you. I especially like how you didn’t let concerns about how you looked stop you from interacting with him and flirting back!
You smiled and chatted with him, but I hear that you feel there was something missing or something that you could have done to keep the flirt going. The good news is that you didn’t do anything “wrong.” The even better news is that there are a few other things you can do to be “flirt-ready” when the opportunity to flirt with someone presents itself!
- Let him see you smile. Many women underestimate the magnetic power of a smile. There is something about a smile that, not only makes you look happy, but also translates into feeling happy. It also lets men know that you are someone who is “safe” to approach, meaning that there’s a good chance they won’t be rejected if they choose to come up to and speak with you.
- Let him know you’d like to go out with him. Now, this does not mean that you ask him out on a date. Instead, you ask him to ask you out by showing interest in something that he mentions during conversation. You can also give him your number and tell him you’d love to go out with him if he’s interested. This, sends him the message that you’d probably say yes, if he asked. It’s also very different from asking him on a date, because you are leaving the actual asking for the date and the pursuing up to him.
- Always be “flirt-ready.” It always makes me smile when women mention that they met a guy right after working out at the gym, at the grocery store, and in unexpected places or events. That’s why it’s important to always be flirt-ready and try to look your best. Am I saying that you have to look like a Stepford Wife each time you leave the house because men are only interested in your looks? No, but, when you look good, you feel good, and you emit radiant, feminine energy. And that’s what men are attracted to. So, even if you’re not dressed to the nines, before you leave the house check to see if you feel good about the way you look and remind yourself that this just might be “the day” you meet the man of your dreams!
Being pleasantly surprised is one of my favorite aspects of dating and relationships. Love can enter your life when and where you least expect it. This is why you can never really know when you may meet the man who will eventually ask you to share your life with him. So, as my older son, who is a Cub Scout would say: Be prepared. Smile, give him your number or let him know you’d like to see him, and look and feel your very best!
And expect the unexpected!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 13, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I am a woman in my late forties, and have no trouble attracting men. However, once I have attracted them I have a very hard time letting them know that the attraction is mutual. I find it almost impossible to even smile at them. I am very aware that I am getting in my own way on my path to love. How can I uncover what is causing this pattern, and how do I overcome it?
I want to begin by acknowledging you for being self-aware enough to recognize that you are the one actually standing in the way of attracting the love you want. Many women would make it about the men, rather than themselves, so you’re definitely on the right path to creating a breakthrough for yourself in this area!
In my experience, one of the first things a man notices, which lets him know that It’s “safe” to come over and speak to a woman is her smile. A smile usually attracts attention and lets men know that you are approachable, which makes leads me to believe that, at some point, you are actually smiling, and then, once a man comes over to and shows interest in you, you tend to not be comfortable with the attention.
So the question is, what is it that makes you uncomfortable about a man being attracted to you?
Sometimes, the answer to this question is pretty simple. It usually has to do with how you see yourself. It may be that, as attracted as men are to you, you still don’t fully love and accept yourself exactly the way you are. Think about it this way, if you were secure about yourself, your worth, and what you bring to the table, there would be no reason to allow a man to get to know you. You would feel comfortable just “being” yourself and then allowing him to choose whether or not he’d like to continue getting to know you by asking you out.
Instead, by not smiling, you are almost guaranteeing that he will get the message that (1) you are not interested in him, and (2) you have no desire for him to pursue getting to know you. This can make the conversation awkward, as he may feel confused, having gotten the message before coming up to you that you were approachable, and then getting a message that you’d like him to stay away. The chances of him asking you out on a date, if this is the vibe he is getting from you, are slim-to-none. As confident as a man is, he doesn’t want to be rejected any more than you do, so he’s likely to protect himself and move on to someone who’s sending a clearer message about what she would like.
The issue may also have to do with the meaning you are giving to smiling and letting him know that the attraction is mutual. Is there a part of you that thinks that, once he starts getting to know you, he won’t be interested in getting to know you better? Is there something about yourself you’re afraid he will discover and not like/accept, so you’re trying to avoid giving him the chance to connect with you so that you don’t have to experience that rejection? If so, it could be that you haven’t brought love and acceptance to that part of yourself. If this resonates with you, perhaps it’s time to bring love, forgiveness, and acceptance to that part of yourself so that you can begin to open up to and experience the love that is already waiting for you.
And, finally, remember that a smile is simply a way to attract attention without any intention. In other words, even if someone is attracted to and begins speaking with you, there are no strings attached, no obligation for it to go any further than a conversation, unless it’s what you want. So, whether or not he asks you out on a date, you still get to choose whether you’d like to go out with and get to know him better.
So, my advice to you is: Relax. Smile. Be Yourself. Don’t allow your fears about what may or may not happen cheat you out of receiving a man’s attention and having fun as you get to know one another. I can hear that you want to get on the path to discovering and experiencing love. It’s time to remove the barriers that have been stopping that love from finding its way to you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 12, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course, he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?
Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves. You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”
I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.” But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you. Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together. Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change. Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.
I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around! So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship? And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?
So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve. And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 10, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
If my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years says he bought me a custom made ring two years ago but hasn’t proposed, yet still talks in terms of ” we ” about the future and says he is so grateful to finally get “free” of his son late at night when we are both available that he forgets to bring the ring because he considers it a mere formality, should I be kicking his proverbial rear to the curb? This is a beta male who has ADHD. Any thoughts?
There are a few points in this question that I’d like to address. The first is that your boyfriend announced that he bought you a ring and is then explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it when he comes to see you late at night. I’m wondering if you’re the one who brought up the ring in the first place. The reason I ask is that men rarely announce that they’ve bought a ring before they actually propose. The “surprise factor” of the proposal is part of its sweetness. So I’m wondering if you were bringing up marriage a couple of years ago and he said he got a ring to deal with the pressure.
If he did, in fact, get the ring of his own accord and shared with you that he bought it, the fact that he keeps explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it makes me think that you’re bringing up the fact that he hasn’t given you the ring yet. This, again, could occur as pressure and could actually be causing him not to want to give you the ring until it’s his idea. If this is the case you have been bringing up the ring (or lack, thereof) to him, my advice would be to let it go. Don’t mention it for a month or two and just allow him the space to choose when to give it to you. When/If he does ask you to marry him, you want to know that it’s because he wants to be with and can’t imagine living his life without you, not because he feels like he has to give it or propose to you.
The other thing that stood out was when you said that he comes over when he’s “free” from his son, late at night. Is this the only time you two see each other? Who is staying with his son when he comes over at night? Are you 100% certain he is not married? I don’t want to instill any fear, but given the limited amount of facts in the email, it’s hard for me to understand why he’s explaining why he didn’t bring the ring with him late at night, once he’s free from his son. I’d be happy to set up a time to talk with you privately, if there’s something I’m missing. And, again, I apologize if I’m making any incorrect assumptions.
The most important part of this situation is how you feel – about both him and the relationship.
You refer to him as “a beta male who has ADHD.” For me, the bigger question than whether or not you should kick him to the curb because he hasn’t proposed is whether this is a man with whom you’d like to spend the rest of your life.
In my experience, when women refer to men as “betas,” there is a level of disrespect for who the man is – as if he is somewhat “inferior” to a man who is more assertive. It’s also been my experience that women who refer to their men as “betas” see themselves as “alphas,” which usually means that they are very controlling and tend to be the ones making all of the decisions in the relationship. The more “alpha” the woman acts, the more beta the man appears, and the less likely he will be to step up, make decisions, and take the lead, as a way to avoid having their ideas criticized, contradicted, or dismissed.
The comment about him having ADHD also comes up a lot. Whether he’s been diagnosed officially by a medical practitioner or not (many of the women I work with self-diagnose their men), there are things about him and the way he acts, makes decisions, etc. that you may not agree with. While you may not agree with every decision he makes or how he goes about making them, for this relationship to work, it’s going to be important that you respect his ideas, thoughts, and decisions. In other words, it’s critical that you respect him and who he is as a man.
My clients have found that the moment they begin treating their man with respect and trusting in his capabilities to think, solve problems, and make wise decisions, the same man who once seemed passive, indecisive, or incapable begins to show up as a strong, determined, and confident (dare I say “alpha”) man!
So, my advice to you is to let go of the attachment to having the ring presented to you, and focus on whether this is a man with whom you can envision yourself with for the rest of your life. Is he the man who you can trust with your heart, who trust will be there to care for you, and who you will be proud to respect and honor until death do you part. If the answer to all of these questions is “Yes,” then step back from mentioning the ring and focus on being the woman he fell in love with and for whom he chose to design a custom-made ring. If after a month or two there is no mention of marriage, then you can let him know that you love him and that, for you to be happy, you need to be married. That for you, it’s more than just a formality – it’s what will make you happy.
If the answer to these questions is “No,” “I’m not sure,” or “Not yet,” then, again, let go of the idea of the ring and get clear about what you want. If it’s not him (exactly the way he is and exactly the way he’s not), then gently let him go and make room for the man who is perfect for you to find you!
I’m actually leading a group coaching call this Tuesday, June 11th on “How to Honor Your Desire to be Married Without Making Ultimatums.” If you’d like to learn more about how you can participate on the call, you can do so by clicking here.
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 8, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
How do you stay patient when you feel you are ready for love? I understand the importance of being unattached so that you can let a new love in, but I worry I will give off a desperate air when I go on dates or meet someone new because I feel ready for a relationship.
Let’s be honest, the reason most people date is because they want to be in a relationship. Sure, some people just don’t want to be alone, or they want to have fun, but the majority of people are dating in hopes of meeting the person who’s right for them.
So, how do you stay patient when you feel you are ready for love?
- Stay in the present moment.
When we feel we’re ready for love, it’s easy to allow ourselves to fast-forward into the future and imagine what it would be like if the guy sitting across from us is the one we’ll spend our lives with, especially if we like him! It’s easy to begin picturing what it would be like to be kissed by him, to travel with him, and to stand next to him on an altar.
While it’s great to hope and dream, when we’re not here, in the present, we can miss signs that perhaps this isn’t the best person for us. We also miss out on what’s happening here and now, so we don’t get to enjoy it. Next time you feel yourself wandering into the future that’s in your mind, bring yourself to the present by reminding yourself, “I’m sipping some great wine,” “We’re listening to excellent music,” “I’m having a great time.” Bring yourself back to the present and focus how you are feeling while on the date.
- Allow him to set the pace.
Too often, women will try to jump the gun or get the ball rolling by taking control of the budding relationship. They want to know where this is headed and whether or not they’re “wasting” their time. Often, this leads to being the pursuer, rather than the receiver in the relationship, which also puts the women in the undesirable role of risking rejection when she asks him out on a date or begins to badger and pressure him into expressing his feelings about her.
This robs a woman of the opportunity to see whether or not he wants to be with her. In short, she’ll always wonder whether he just agreed or disagreed with her, rather knowing that he chose to be with her because he wanted to, not because he felt pressured.
- Check in with yourself often.
It’s tempting while on a date to wonder whether or not he likes you, whether he’s going to ask you out on another date, and whether he’s having a good time getting to know you. However, rather than focusing all of your energy on him, bring your attention back to yourself. Do you like him? Do you want to go out with him again? How do you feel? Are you having fun? By focusing on yourself, you’ll avoid driving yourself crazy wondering about what’s going on over there with him!
If you stay present, let go of trying to control the pace of the relationship, and keep checking in with yourself to see how you are feeling, you won’t have to worry about giving off “a desperate air.” Instead, the energy you’ll be giving off is that of being confident, at peace, and open to the possibility of beomg pleasantly surprised!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 7, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I had this long distance “relationship”(?) with a man for the past year. We spoke over the phone, having marathon sessions nightly or every other night. 2 hours, 3 hours, it seemed like time disappeared.
I developed a crazy crush (not attractive for a woman over 49) and my heart raced and fluttered when speaking or being with him after about the first 3 weeks. That crush made me speak incessantly (or maybe that’s just me), be giddy and flirty and funny and basically filled with the joy of love.
On two instances he just disappeared and then after a few weeks would come back. At the start of this year, we went 3 months without speaking. No closure, no communication about it. He just disappeared and went silent; no return of voice mails, phone calls, texts…nothing.
Two weeks ago he left me this eloquent (or so I thought?) voice mail that he still loves and cares about me and to call him back if I want. Well, I called him back and he called me back two weeks later and the call went awful. I started off great and then out of my mouth I started rambling, babbling about what I was thinking, how I felt. I believe I told him his actions don’t match his words. How would I know he cares about me? That would be hard to tell…
I haven’t heard from him since.
I really want to reconnect with him. Sometimes I really miss him. I really felt I had a soul connection with this man, yet the heightened crush (which wasn’t even physical) caught me by surprise. I would love to at least to get some closure like two adults instead of beating myself up, feeling like something I did pushed him away, making myself wrong and blaming myself for knowing better than to allow my heightened crush to take my brain away and have me be giddy like a school girl and God knows what else?
Do you recommend I call him? Just leave it? Learn the lesson to be grounded next time? This has caused me such pain and feeling so thrown aside, disregarded, disrespected, and this man does not seem like that kind of man. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive.
It can be really frustrating when we’re getting to know someone and, all of a sudden, he disappears. It’s not that uncommon when dating, because, many times, people are seeing different people at the same time, so it may be that the person starts getting to know someone else with whom he’s exploring the possibility of being in a relationship with, and begin spending more time with her. It’s not “wrong.” Before there’s an actual commitment, it’s perfectly okay to be seeing several people at the same time (Note: I said it’s okay to date several people at the same time, not sleep with a bunch of people at the same time… BIG difference!).
Another theory is that some men, when they begin to feel really close to a woman, tend to pull away for a bit to get clear on what it is that they want. Relationship expert John Gray refers to this as “the rubber band effect,” and he says that, if a man is ready to commit, he’ll snap back stronger and more committed than ever.
From your email, it sounds like he would disappeared on and off throughout your friendship (notice how I did not call it “a relationship,” because, as my sister and business partner, Michelle always says: It isn’t a relationship… until it is).
Even after he reappeared this time, however, he disappeared again after your response and didn’t contact you for another two weeks. Since he’s not the one reaching out for advice or coaching, there’s nothing you can do to control whether or not he calls you or not, and I have no way of knowing why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, I’m not going to focus on him. Instead, I invite you to take a look at yourself and ask yourself whether this is the kind of pattern you’re interested in continuing to allow and experience?
While I can’t be 100% sure from your email, it sounds as if this was the only guy you were getting to know, which means that you weren’t dating other people during the time that the two of you were speaking on the phone. I can tell you really liked him, and that you hoped it would to turn into something more “permanent,” but, when we stop seeing other people before a commitment is made, we cheat ourselves out of possibly allowing someone else – someone equally or even more wonderful – to enter our lives and give us the experience we do want to have in a relationship. That has us get attached to the person and it’s tempting to keep holding on, hoping that he will change, even when we’re unhappy.
You asked whether you should call him, just leave it, or learn the lesson to be grounded next time. My answers: No, yes, and yes.
I wouldn’t recommend calling him. I get that the last conversation you had didn’t go well. It sounds as if it the call was focused on making him “wrong” for not having called you. Granted, anyone would be tempted to find out why someone had just dropped out existence. However, when a guy reaches out again after some time, it’s usually because he’s been procrastinating having that “first call.” Why? Because most guys know it’s probably not going to go well, and they’d rather avoid the situation altogether!
Does that mean you shouldn’t have expressed how you were feeling? Not at all! If you think back and focus on what you were really feeling, chances are that 3 words would have communicated your feelings purely, without making him wrong. They are: I miss you. That’s it. Everything after that would be trying to get him to feel badly about what he did or didn’t do and telling him what he should or shouldn’t have done. All of that can be captured in three other words: nagging and complaining. And, ladies, men do not like, nor are they inspired to change by nagging!
So, my advice is that you let this go. That’s how you’ll get closure for yourself. Holding onto this situation and to him, beating yourself up, hoping that each time the phone rings or an email or text comes in it’s from him is not serving you.
Let it go.
Focus, not only on “the lesson” learned, but on all of the things for which you are grateful as a result of this friendship – all of the things you learned about yourself and what you want to experience in a relationship.
And then, open your heart again to allow the love of someone who is going to treat you with love and tenderness and give you all of the attention that you desire and deserve to come in!
Hope this helps! Let me know!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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