by Gladys Diaz

This week, someone I have known for many years passed away.  He was a priest and pastor of the church and school where I taught many years ago. I loved my job and I loved our church and the children with whom I worked as a teacher, youth group leader there, choir member, and sponsor of the Liturgical Dance Ministry.  I honestly enjoyed every minute of the time I spent there. The pastor, Fr. Joseph Carney, was kind and supportive of me, and, while he wasn’t always open to change, he was always willing to listen to my latest idea for the youth and dance ministries.

After 3 years of working there as a teacher, I was presented with the opportunity to teach in a brand new public school.  The chance to work in a pilot school, a brand new state-of-the-art building, and a very nice salary were too attractive to pass up, and, after already having signed my contract for the following year, I told Fr. Carney that I would be breaking the contract and going to teach at the other school. I explained that the salary was almost double what I’d be making there and that, since my late husband was very sick and unable to work, I felt I needed to make sure I had financial security for us both.

Fr. Carney was so upset. He explained that had bent over backwards to offer me a better salary, and felt as if I didn’t appreciate it. He told me that if I left, I would no longer be able to lead the Youth Group, and I was crushed! That youth group was my favorite part of working there, and I felt like I was being punished for trying to move ahead in my career.  I was also very angry at him!  Here he was – a priest! Wasn’t he always preaching about love and forgiveness?  Wasn’t he the one who had told me that he wanted to help me achieve my professional goals? How could someone that I looked up to, admired, and respected be so hurtful? I felt let down and somewhat deceived by him.  And I was downright mad!

I was still involved in the choir and other ministries, and, while I was no longer leader of the youth group, I assisted the new leaders, because my commitment to the teens was greater than my anger at Fr. Carney.  But it wasn’t easy to see him or hear him preaching.  Part of me wanted to keep making him wrong and tell others about how he had reacted and treated me.  But I didn’t.  I knew he was the pastor and that what happened was between us. I didn’t want the kids being angry at him, and this was my parish.  I wanted to continue serving and growing there.

Later that year, I went to a retreat at the Church, and, there was time set aside for meditation and confession for those who wanted to participate. I stepped into the face-to-face confessional, and, low and behold, who should happen to be a sitting across from me?  I wanted to turn around and walk out, but I didn’t.  I had just been praying and I was in a peaceful space. I felt it was time to bring peace to this relationship, too.

After my confession, I asked Fr. Carney if I could speak with him, and he agreed.  I asked if he could please forgive me for not having honored my word and breaking the contract.  I told him I’d been hurt and angry at him for the way he had responded, and that I didn’t want to be angry any more.  I just wanted us to be “okay” again.

We both teared up as he told me that he had acted in anger because he felt like his daughter was leaving home with no explanation. In that moment, I got just how human he was. I’d built him up and held him to a different standard because he was a priest. In my mind, he should have acted differently.  I hadn’t stopped to think that he was reacting like most people would have. I told him I loved him and and he said he loved me too and asked me to forgive him, and I did.

Fr. Carney passed away Wednesday morning, and, while I hadn’t seen him in several years, I am so thankful to God that we had that conversation when we did.  It would have been so easy for either one of us to stay angry or pretend like nothing had happened. Instead, we were both courageous and humble enough to admit we were wrong and ask one another for forgiveness. And now I can remember him and celebrate his life without any regrets over having left my apology or my forgiveness left unspoken.

How many times, in our relationships, do we hold on to resentment and anger, allowing time to go by and cheating ourselves out of having a relationship with someone who simply made a mistake?

How many times do we hold people that we love to a higher standard and expect more from them than we probably should?

How many times do we leave words of love and forgiveness unspoken, without knowing how much time we have before that person is gone and we’ll no longer have the chance to say, “I forgive you.  Please, forgive me”?

If you are holding on to any resentment toward someone, I invite you to give both them and yourself the gift of forgiveness.  It’s not always the easiest thing to accept someone’s mistake. Forgiving them does not mean that you agree with or condone what they did.  It only means that you are releasing yourself from the anger and pain and, perhaps, releasing them from feeling guilty over something that’s already happened and is in the past.

No, accepting someone’s humanity and granting him or her forgiveness is not always easy.  It takes something – courage, humility, and vulnerability – to see beyond the error to the heart of the person. However, forgiveness is not only a gift for the receiver.  It’s a gift you give yourself, as well.

For, once you’ve released yourself from the anger, resentment, and grudges, there is love, freedom, and peace waiting for you on the other side!

May you rest in peace, Fr. Carney.  And thank you for your many years of loving service to our Lord, to your parishioners, and all of the children who came to know God because of and through you! I love, will miss, and will never forget you!

If you have someone in your life with whom you’d like to have a conversation, but you’re afraid or don’t know how to begin, I’d like to invite you to visit my friend, Ingrid Lucia’s website, Unspoken Pebbles. The Unspoken Pebbles were created so that people can share conversations that have been left unspoken.  Many times, the right words are all that is needed, and the words written on these simple pebbles and the small book of conversation starters open up an opportunity to say the things that have been left unsaid.  These Unspoken Pebbles create moments that can be used to share the words that are in our hearts and serve to remind us that the only moment we ever really have is this moment, right now.

Comments? Questions? Please leave them below!  We love hearing from you!

Sky photo credit: ed_needs-a-bicycle via photopin.com cc

Unspoken Pebbles photo courtesy of UnspokenPebbles.net