by Gladys Diaz
For the past four weeks, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who acted so serious and told me to stop seeing other guys. He would get mad if he came to my house and I was not around. Two days ago, I checked his phone and found out a girl is presently pregnant by him. I asked him to explain and he said he couldn’t and started blaming me for touching his phone, so I left. He hasn’t called me since I left his house. I won’t call him again, but do you think I did the right thing?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read your email was “What had you want to check his phone?” Could it have been your intuition?
In working with women, I often hear that they feel that they can’t trust their intuition, because “it’s broken.” They refer to examples of times when they were suddenly surprised by infidelity or discovering an addiction or physically abusive tendencies in their boyfriends or husbands, or realizing that they guy just wasn’t the right man for them. Upon speaking with the women a little more at length, we discover that many of the signs had been there all along. They just chose to ignore the red flags so that they wouldn’t have to make the choice to leave. Usually, the choice to ignore red flags and alarms that may be going off is based on fear and not wanting to recognize that the relationship is not really what we want, so that we don’t have to make the choice to walk away.
Here are some questions I invite you to ask yourself so that you can have more clarity about what happened and what it is that you want, moving forward:
- You mentioned that you’ve been in a relationship with this man for four weeks. How long did you date him before you chose to become exclusive?
- Did you give yourself an opportunity to get to know him well before choosing to stop seeing other men?
- How did it make you feel when he got angry if you weren’t home? Did you feel safe? …afraid? Did you take it as a positive sign?
- And, finally, do you want him to call you back knowing that he is about to have a baby with someone else and did not tell you about it? If so, why is that?
There’s nothing “wrong” with him having a baby with someone else if they are no longer together. I think that may have you feeling upset is that he did not tell you about this. Another question you may want to ask yourself is whether a new baby being in the picture is something you feel you are ready and willing to deal with to deal with so this early in a relationship?
You ask whether I think that you did the right thing. If you’re referring to looking through his phone, I have to say “no,” because that was not respectful of his privacy. However, I think the bigger question is why you felt compelled to look through his phone in the first place. That may give you the answer that will make the biggest difference for you, moving forward.
If you’re referring to whether or not you made a good choice by leaving and not calling him back, I do believe that those were good choices you made if you felt unsafe in any way or if the conversation was turning into an argument. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away and take some time to gain clarity about how you feel and what it is you want so that you can make a choice that empowers you and is aligned with what your heart desires.
I invite you to the time to ask yourself the questions above so that you can get the closure you want for yourself. And, of course, free to reach out to me if you’d like some additional support in working through this.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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