by heartsdesireintl | Aug 23, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This morning I was reading a daily meditation book, and the thought for the day was around the power that our words have to either build people up or tear them down. It’s easy to forget just how powerful our thoughts and words are and how they can impact our relationships.
Many times, when we are unhappy, disappointed, or scared, we feel the need to say exactly what is on our minds. And sharing your feelings is healthy. When you’re dating or in a relationship with someone, you want to be able to share what’s on your heart and mind.
The issue, however, is not really around whether or not you should say what’s on your mind. It’s more about how you choose to say it! See, many times, when we think we’re sharing our “feelings,” what we’re really doing is complaining and blaming – which can also be translated as nagging and criticizing – neither of which is encouraging or inspiring!
When you repeatedly tell the man you are dating or in a relationship with what you think he is doing wrong, how that makes you feel, and what he needs to differently, it can be difficult for him to actually hear what you’re feeling or what you want. All he hears is what a disappointment he is. And, since men see themselves through the eyes of the women they love, the message that comes through loud and clear is that he’s not capable of pleasing you, which, by the way, is at the top of a good man’s list! This can cause him to want to stop trying.
So, what can you do to say what how you are feeling without tearing him down?
Vent with someone else before you share how you feel.
It can be difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling hurt. Sometimes, it feels like there’s an immediate trigger that goes off! Holding in or ignoring your feelings is not a good idea, but neither is saying or doing something you’re most likely going to regret. Instead of going off on him in a moment of rage, call someone you trust and who you know will listen without judging or gossiping, and share your feelings with her. After letting everything out, you may find that you’re able to think and express what you’re feeling more clearly and without resorting to blaming or making him wrong.
Focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did.
Leading with how you’re feeling, rather than with trying to blame or make him feel guilty will make it more likely that he’ll be able to hear how you are feeling, rather than feel the need to defend his actions.
So, instead of saying something like, “You always put your job and other people before me! I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter!” you could say, “I miss spending time with you.”
Rather than saying, “I feel so angry when you forget to call me during the day,” you could say, “I really like when you take the time to call me during the day. It makes me smile to know that you’re thinking about me.”
Expressing yourself this way takes a lot more vulnerability than striking in anger, which can feel scary. But, again, it’s a lot more likely that he’ll be able to actually hear what you are saying when he’s not feeling like he needs to defend himself.
Let go of any expectations regarding how he’ll respond.
Sometimes we hold back on sharing our feelings and desires because we think we already know how he’s going to respond and we’re afraid of what his reaction will be. Again, ignoring your feelings is not healthy, and it should feel safe to share what you’re feeling with the man you love. So, once you’ve processed your feelings with someone else and you are able to express them clearly and purely – without blame – let go of any expectations regarding how he will or should respond. How or whether he chooses to respond is out of your control, but how and what you choose to say isn’t. If you choose to follow the steps above, it’s likely that the response is more likely to be tender and understanding when he can see that he’s not being “punished” or attacked.
Sharing and expressing our feelings is an important part of being in a relationship, and when we can do that without casting blame, shame, or guilt on our partner, we’re on the path to making that relationship the loving, peaceful, intimate partnership our hearts truly desire!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 16, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Unconditional love.” It’s a phrase used often when people are asked to describe what type of love they’d like to experience or what their definition of “true love” is. The truth is, however, that many of us can tend to be very conditional when it comes to giving and receiving love. We have so many expectations about what love should look like — how it should be demonstrated, and how the other person needs to prove their love for us.
When love is truly unconditional, it means that there are no expectations or rules regarding how it must be given. This means that there wouldn’t be any “formulas” or ultimatums regarding the love, like “If he really loves me, then he would ____ .” The moment we begin to set rules, requirements, and conditions that the love and affection must meet, we have turned our desire for love into an obligation that must be met.
Rather than requiring that love look, sound, or be demonstrated in a particular way, be open and willing to receive the love that is being sent your way. Rather than looking through the lens of it not being “good enough,” receive it graciously, allow yourself feel it and be grateful for it, and then express your gratitude.
And when it comes to giving love to another, it’s also important to let go of the expectations and conditions under which you will demonstrate and give your love. So many times we withhold love, appreciation, and forgiveness, using the withdrawal and absence of our love as a “punishment.” The moment we have the thought that we are not going to show him our love until he says or does something, we are being conditional with our love.
Granted, to be able to give and receive love freely, it’s important that you know that you are in a relationship someone who is good for you – someone who is not cheating on or putting you in any type of physical or emotional danger. Those types of “requirements” are about loving and putting yourself safety and self-care first. But outside of any real physical or emotional danger, if you are with a man who cares for you and gives you the experience of being loved, then there’s absolutely no greater gift that you can give him than accepting him, loving him freely, and receiving the love he gives to you willingly, graciously, and open-heartedly! And the best part about this gift is that being the giver is almost as wonderful as being the recipient!
So, go ahead! Love fully! Love unconditionally!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 13, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.”
~ William Durant
I posted this quote on our Facebook page over the weekend, and it really stuck with me. How many times in our lives do we use the mistakes and failures of the past to keep us stuck where we are? We’ll replay past conversations (or arguments), choices we made, things that we did (or didn’t do) over and over in our heads, continuously making ourselves wrong for what we did back then. However, we’re also using this as an excuse to not move ahead and make a different choice now.
The truth is that if you’re human, you’ve made at least one mistake in the past 24 hours. So, when it comes to love, what would have us believe that we need to be infallible, incapable of making a mistake now and again? And what would make us believe that we are incapable of making different choices, knowing what we know now?
Part of it may be that we’ve seen patterns repeated in our lives. Perhaps there’s been a pattern of choosing men who were not faithful or ready to commit to us. Maybe we’ve made and broken promises to be more respectful and less harsh in our actions and words toward the men we love. Or maybe the promises we’ve broken have been those we’ve made to ourselves – about finally making a commitment to doing whatever it takes to have the relationship of our dreams, or about giving up the fear that has kept us feeling stuck and alone and having the courage to go out there and date or walk up to our beloved and ask for forgiveness.
Whatever it is that has been keeping you stuck in the past – whatever failures, mistakes, or regrets you’ve been holding onto – it’s time to let them go. It’s time to forgive yourself, him, them, and everything else you’ve been making wrong, and just make a choice now to create a brand new start!
So what will you do to create a new start in your love life?
Will you finally let go of resentment and forgive yourself or others?
Will you give up the pride that’s been keeping you stuck and ask for forgiveness?
Will you put your profile up on dating site and just open up to the possibility of attracting new love?
Will you recommit yourself to the relationship you’re in and begin making the changes that will reignite the love that’s begun to fade?
Will you begin working with a relationship coach who can help you identify the fears and patterns holding you back so that you can break free from them and finally start living the life and the love your heart desires? If you’re ready, you’ll want to check out the Create Your Love Story coaching program that is helping women transform their love lives!
Whatever it is that you’re ready to do to breathe life into your love life and relationships, choose one thing you are going to do and do it now!
And let me know what that is in the comments below, because I’d love to hear what it is and support you in any way I can!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 3, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
What are some effective ways to communicate with my partner?
Ask almost anyone what the key to having an effective relationship is and they’ll say: “Good communication.” The issues in relationships come up when people’s definitions of what “good communication” is differ!
So, what are some ineffective ways of communicating and how can we turn them around so that both people in the relationship have the experience of being heard?
Ineffective Communication: Talking too much
For most women, talking comes easily. Studies have shown that women communicate more than men. Depending on which study results you read, women can sometimes speak anywhere from twice to as many as three times the number of words men say. Studies also show that most women also find it easier to communicate what they are feeling than men. This is why we tend to “over-talk” when it comes to issues in the relationships and then we’re upset when we see the glazed look on his face once he’s tuned us out.
Solution: Say it clearly, purely, and briefly.
Many times, when we begin talking about an issue in our relationships, we haven’t done the pre-work of actually getting clear about what it is we want to say. This is why we’ll begin saying too much – giving reasons, details, and explanations to try to clarify the message we’re trying to convey. Instead, get clear about what you’d like to say. Sort through your thoughts and ideas with a friend or family member you trust so that you can weed out any of the information that is not relevant to this particular situation or issue. In other words, ladies, remember this:
Men want to hear headlines and bullet points.
Ineffective Communication: Bringing up the past
You’ve probably experienced it at least in your relationship. You begin “discussing” an issue with your partner and, before you know it, one or both of you is bringing up things that happened last week, last year, or years ago. Now, the discussion (a.k.a. argument) is about ten things other than the original topic of conversation and the main objective has become trying “blame and shame” the other person into being the bad guy. This type of argument leads nowhere and creates a dynamic where it’s not safe to make mistakes and it’s difficult to trust one another when you say that you forgive your partner.
Solution: Leave the past in the past, where it belongs.
Holding onto and bringing up things that have happened in the past is an easy way to build resentment in the relationship. Instead, make it a point to leave the past behind you, where it belongs, and be intentional about focusing on the issue you’d like to resolve. If your partner is the one who brings up the past, resist taking the bait and respectfully let him know that you’d like to resolve this issue first. If done effectively, and you resist that argument, it’s likely that you won’t end up going back to that topic after this one has been discussed.
Ineffective Communication Style: Having to be “right”
Perhaps nothing is more damaging to a relationship than when one or both of the people involved is more committed to being right than to maintaining the intimacy in the relationship. The need to be right – to prove your point, convince or try to change the other person’s mind, and make the other person “wrong” – is one of the biggest intimacy killers! While it’s okay to have your opinion, it’s also important to remember that the person you’re in a relationship with has one, too! Doing everything in your power to try to make someone agree with you and what you’re saying without honoring what they are saying is disrespectful and exhausting!
Solution:
Saying how you think, feel and want are important. However, before you share any of those things, consider what your intention for communicating is. Is your intention to simply share your thoughts, or are you trying to convince or get agreement from the other person. Is your intention to simply share how you feel, or is it to make the other person feel badly? Is your intention to create intimacy in the relationship, or to be right? I often invite my clients to ask themselves the same two questions I ask myself before saying something to my husband:
1) Is what I’m about to say worth the intimacy it is going to cost me? If the answer is “yes,” then I’ll share what I want to say and be willing to accept that it may impact the intimacy in our relationship. If the answer is “no,” then I choose to let it go!
2) Am I more committed to being right or being happy?
The answer to these questions helps me determine whether I still feel the need to prove my point, or whether I am willing to allow for the possibility that maybe – just maybe – there’s another valid point of view and that I can simply to choose to accept and respect, even if I don’t agree with it.
Contrary to what most people believe, communication is not mainly about what you say. It’s also about how you choose to express yourself, and, even more importantly, being willing to listen to the other person. Arguing, disrespecting one another’s thoughts and opinions, and dominating a conversation are simply ineffective ways of creating intimacy, love, and respect in a relationship. Instead, seek ways to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that leaves both of you feeling, honored, appreciated, and heard!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 30, 2013 | HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Did I make a mistake and marry the wrong man?
Recently I received a question from someone who was questioning whether she married the right man for her. They’d been married for a while, and, now that the honeymoon phase was over, she and her husband were beginning to notice things about one another that they didn’t like.
It’s not uncommon for couples to begin to notice things after they are married that they may not have noticed or allowed to bother them before. Sometimes, in the excitement of falling in love and planning a wedding, people are more willing to focus on the positive aspects of the person they love. Perhaps this is a practice that should continue year after year!
One of the first exercises I do when working with a woman who is complaining about her husband and the things that he does that are getting on her nerves is to have her tell me about the man she fell in love with. Regardless of how long they’ve been together or married, I ask her to rewind back to the time when they first met and tell me what it was about him that she found attractive and endearing. I ask her to describe him to me in the present tense, as if she just met him.
What’s interesting about this exercise is that, many times, the things she is now complaining about are the things that first attracted her to him. For example, if he was funny and the life of the party, she may be complaining that he doesn’t take things seriously. If he was responsible and serious, she may be complaining that he’s boring and doesn’t want to do anything exciting. If he used to treat her and buy her lots of gifts, now she’s complaining about him not managing their finances well.
Other times, she’s begun trying to get him to change some of his habits and behaviors. The problem with this is that no one appreciates being told what he/she should/shouldn’t do or hearing the message that there’s something about themselves that they need to change. Trying to correct, fix, or change our partners sends the message that the we don’t love and accept them exactly the way they are. What’s worse, it can cause the other person to begin to withdraw from the relationship – both physically and emotionally.
The reason I have the women I work with remember who they fell in love with is because that wonderful, loving man they chose to marry – the one they couldn’t imagine living the rest of their lives without – is still there. He’s just buried under a bunch of complaints and unmet expectations.
When we remind ourselves of why we chose to marry the man we love, we can bring the focus back to the reasons why he really is the right man for us and how we did make a good choice.
Does this mean that there won’t ever be things that we don’t agree with or like? No. Just because we join our lives together doesn’t mean we’re always going to see eye to eye. It doesn’t even mean that things won’t bother us from time to time. However, if we can choose to focus on the reasons why we fell in love with him, that may help us remember what a great guy he is and just how blessed we are that he chose to love us back!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
