by heartsdesireintl | Oct 10, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your EGO.
~ Mrs. Luchini
One of the things that can make the biggest difference in a relationship is being able to apologize when you’ve done something to hurt or disrespect the other person. Too many of the arguments in relationships take place when one or both of the people in the relationship is more committed to being “right” than to being happy. And, in those moments, it’s very likely that one or both will say something that will hurt or disrespect the other.
Being willing to recognize that you’ve been disrespectful or hurtful to the person you love takes both humility and courage. But it also sends the message that your relationship is more important than your need to be “right” or to have “won” the argument. And that message goes a long way toward creating a lifetime of intimacy.
Is there something for which you’ve been avoiding apologizing? Let him/her know that your relationship is what matters most to you!
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 5, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Tuesday’s post on getting rid of the checklist sparked a lot of discussion on different social media platforms, especially among singles. I even received some requests for a similar post directed toward men. Maybe… One day… However, I believe that we women have the power to set the tone in a relationship, and that it’s up to us to create the type of relationship we want to experience – no one can do that for us. So, for now, let’s talk about what to do once you choose to get rid of the checklist.
First, let me warn you. From time to time, you’ll be tempted to tape together the pieces of the checklist and see which ones “aren’t that bad” in order to justify keeping them. You know, you’ll get approached by a guy who looks different than the “type” of guy you usually date, and your automatic pilot will kick in with a “No way!” unless you can catch yourself first. Or maybe your friend wants to introduce you to a guy she knows, but he’s a divorced father of two and you have sworn to yourself that you will not date anyone who had any type of past that might affect you in any way, shape, or form. Or you bump into a guy at the grocery store and he smiles at you, but his teeth are crooked and that’s been a “deal-breaker” for you in the past.
The point is that, from time to time, you may find yourself grasping for the “safety” of the checklist. At those times, it’s going to take some intentional brain work on your part to remind yourself that his height, the color of his hair, who he may have loved in the past, and his teeth have nothing to do with the kind of romance that the two of you could possibly create together. And, until that happens, you can also remind yourself that it’s “just a conversation,” or “just coffee,” or “just a smile.”
So what’s a girl to do once she’s gotten rid of the checklist? Well, let’s start with what it is that you want!
Many women say they want to be in a loving, committed relationship, but, when you ask them to describe the kind of romance they want, they will either begin to describe a type of guy or stumble to put what they want into words. Perhaps it’s that the focus has been more on the guy they would like to meet than the relationship they’d like to create and live in. Maybe they’ve been basing the idea of a “real relationship” on what they’ve seen on TV or in the movies, or what they’ve read about in books. But when it comes to seriously thinking about, envisioning, and verbalizing what it is they really want, they just aren’t sure.
This is why one of the first exercises we do in our workshops or coaching sessions for single ladies is to have the women write down and declare what they want in a relationship.
How do you want to feel when you’re together?
What is the experience of being together like?
Why is this so important? Because until you are clear about what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. It’s why one of the main reasons women tell us they are afraid of being in a committed relationship is that they will either “lose themselves” or end up “settling for” someone and then getting bored or falling out of love with them.
The truth is, no one gets “stuck” in a relationship. You either choose to be in it or you don’t. But, if you’re not sure about what kind of experience you want to have in a relationship, chances are that you will be “blurry” and unclear, and spend a lot of time attracting what you don’t want into your life. So, clarity is key!
For example, if you know that you want “good communication” in your relationship, that doesn’t really translate into an experience. So, maybe you would describe it as: We are able to share our ideas, thoughts, and dreams freely and openly.
If honesty and loyalty are important, you could say: We honor and respect one another and choose to love one another exclusively.
If being able to travel and do fun and exciting things is part of the experience you want to create with the man who is right for you, then you might say: We live in abundance and discover new and exciting adventures.
And if what you want is to be loved, cherished, and adored, then you could include something like: We love each other, make one another feel special, and let each other know how blessed we feel to be loved by the other.
…Or something like that…
Basically, what you are doing is determining what is important to you, what your heart truly desires, and describing it for yourself. No one ever has to read or hear this – not even him! This is your creation. Your declaration. And you get to start living it NOW, even before you meet him!
What do I mean? Well, if you the experience of your relationship includes having open and free communication, then begin expressing your thoughts freely and allowing others to do the same. If you want to experience honesty and loyalty, then be honest and loyal at all times. Honor your promises and commitments. If you want to live in abundance and have exciting adventures, don’t wait to meet someone in order to go for that promotion, start your own business, take that trip you’ve always wanted to take, or enroll in that class you’ve been putting off for “someday.” Do it now! And if you want to experience being loved, cherished, and adored, then be loving, kind, and compassionate with others, and receive the time, attention, gifts, and compliments of others – especially men – graciously… Even when they are not quite your “type,” because (good news) you no longer have a “type,” since you got rid of the checklist!
Basically, you want to start BEing the type of person who will attract the things and experiences you want to have. You want to BE the woman that a man who is willing and ready to create that type of relationship with you will be able to recognize from a mile away.
In essence, you want to BE everything you hope to see in your future relationship!
Have questions or comments about this article, feel free to include them below! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: gak via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 21, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
I find that, many times, a common theme emerges among the women I coach. They are in different parts of the world, in different stages of relationship – from being single, to dating, to being a newlywed, to having been married for decades – and, yet, it often happens that wherever they are, they are experiencing similar situations. One of this week’s common themes has been that of dealing with disappointment.
We’ve all experienced, it (or some version of it), right?
He said he’d call, and he didn’t.
He said he was going to do something, and he didn’t.
You told him you’d love to go dancing, and you find yourself sitting in front of the TV… again.
He forgot your birthday or anniversary.
It happens. No matter how wonderful or how perfect for a person is for you, he is bound to do something that will leave you feeling disappointed. Why? Because, like you, he’s not perfect, and it’s likely that, every once in a while (at least), he’ll do something that you wish he hadn’t.
So, how can we deal with these disappointments in a way that doesn’t negatively impact the intimacy in the relationship and leaves us feeling empowered?
- Avoid making what he did mean something about the way he feels about you. If he’s a good guy and he usually demonstrates that love and makes you feel cherished, don’t make the fact that he didn’t call or text you during the day mean that “the passion is gone,” he doesn’t love you anymore, or he’s just being a jerk. Maybe he did forget or he felt he was too busy to call. The fact is that, if every other piece of evidence in your relationship points to the fact that he loves you, you might just want to choose to let it go (and, yes, it is a choice!).
- Avoid “reprimanding” him or telling him what he “should” do. Here’s a fact: Men do not want to marry or make love to their mothers. Whenever we take a condescending stance and try to “teach” or tell our husbands and boyfriends what to do, we become “motherly,” and, to a man, that simply isn’t attractive. Rather than scolding or telling him what to do, focus on sharing how you feel. The way to do this is to just focus on how you are feeling, not on what he did.
For example, instead of saying, “Next time, maybe you should call me before you decide to go to happy hour with your friends,” you would say something like, “I was worried because it was getting late,” or “I was really looking forward to seeing you.”
Instead of saying, “I was upset because you didn’t call me,” you would say, “I was sad that I didn’t get to hear your voice.” In each of the second statements, you’re focused on what you are feeling, not on what he did or didn’t do.
- Remember that you get to choose how to respond. I’m the first to admit that I’m not always at my most gracious when I’m disappointed about something. I’m human and my first instinct is usually to “personalize” what happened and make it all about me. However, I also have learned that I’m not a victim of my circumstances or of my husband’s choices or behaviors. I no longer (it wasn’t always this way) excuse my outbursts or fits of anger on the “severity” of the transgression. I really do try to think about how it is that I’m going to respond. Am I going to “punish” him by being bitter and cold and shutting down, or am I going to be gracious and forgiving? Am I going to “righteous” and point out how “wrong” he was, or am I going to be compassionate and remember that I make mistakes all the time, too? I get to choose. And that is so much more empowering than being at the effect of everything that happens in my relationship.
The bottom line is that, if we’re going to date or be in a relationship or marriage with someone, the majority of us want that to be a peaceful, blissful experience. And, even when we attract into our lives the man who is perfect for us, he’ll come with some imperfections – we all do. So, if he forgets something, says something we wish he hadn’t, or does something that we think is “wrong,” we can make a big deal about it, have that mean he doesn’t really love us (in spite of all of the insurmountable evidence that he does), and chastise and belittle him, all the while justifying our behavior and calling it “expressing my feelings”… OR we can choose to be gracious, allow him the space to be human, and respond in a way that leaves us feeling empowered and with our dignity intact!
As I said earlier… Intimacy, happiness, and peace are always a choice! And you get to choose!
Have questions or comments you’d like to share? Share them below! We’d love to hear from you!
Photo credit: ktpupp via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 14, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week, I was on a radio show in a segment titled, “I Can’t Deal with My Husband!” The show’s host and I discussed ways that wives can positively deal with their husband’s “negative” habits.
We’ve all been there, right? Your boyfriend forgets to tip the valet. Your husband leaves his socks on the floor right next to the hamper. He’s too loud… too quiet… too messy… too neat… And it’s driving you crazy!
And you’ve probably tried every strategy you can think of to get him to change. You’ve asked him nicely. You’ve asked him not-so-nicely. You’ve begged. You’ve hinted. You may have even shed a tear or two. Nothing has worked, and, quite frankly, you’ve had it!
What’s a woman to do? Below are some practical steps you can take to help you deal positively with his “bad habits” so that you can both be happy.
1. Realize he’s not your “Do-it-Yourself-Fixer-Upper- Project.”
The first thing you need to realize is that you can’t change him! Too many times, women get married thinking that they’ll be able to change (or “train”) their husband’s after they are married. What we forget is that true love is unconditional. That means I don’t love you because of what you do or don’t do. Instead, I choose to love you in spite of what you do or don’t do. And it is not my role or mission in life to “train” you to be neat, or quiet, or more social, or more assertive. Personal work is just that: personal and internal. It’s got to come from within. All of that begging, pleading, reminding (a.k.a. nagging) hasn’t given you the results you’ve wanted because he’s the one who has to want to change. So, rather than focusing on the things he should/could be doing differently, focus on the behaviors, actions, and attitudes within yourself that you can change and work on those. It’s a much better use of your time and energy!
2. Don’t take things personally.
Granted, I may not know your boyfriend or husband personally, but I can pretty much bet that his first thought in the morning is not “What can I do today to really upset her?” Most men want to please the women they love. They do not set out with the intention to anger, upset, or disappoint us. When he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink or he forgets to pay a bill on time, see it for what it is: a mistake; not a personal vendetta. If you can distance yourself from the action and not make it about “If he really loved me he would/wouldn’t…” you’ll find you have a lot more peace and react with a lot less resentment and hostility when he does “that thing” that tends to trigger a reaction.
3. Express your feelings and desires purely.
Rather than telling him everything he’s doing “wrong” or “not good enough,” focus on what you want. If the toothpaste on the counter drives you nuts, instead of telling him, “You need to clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” or “You always leave a mess of toothpaste on the counter for me to clean up,” or “You never clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” (which is all
nagging, and not very inspiring or motivating, by the way), focus on what it is that you want.
I love it when the bathroom sink and counter are clean.
I don’t like having to clean the stuck-on toothpaste.
I appreciate it when you wipe off the counter.
All of these statements are much more inspiring than hearing a reprimand or criticism and they focus on your feelings and your desires, rather than on what he “should” or “should not” do.
4. Choose your battles. (Actually… When in doubt, choose intimacy!)
When it comes to two completely different people coming together – with their own histories, likes, dislikes, and ways of doing things – it’s inevitable that there will be things about the other that will either require learning, getting used to, and accepting. If you react to every little thing with a life-or-death intensity, you are going to find yourself exhausted all of the time. Perhaps some of his habits will be easier to accept than others. It’s going to be up to you to determine what’s worth arguing about. If your argument to him is that “Putting the socks in the hamper takes two seconds,” then consider if something that takes two seconds is really worth fighting about for 30 minutes every day… day in… day out… Ultimately, it really is your choice! Choose wisely and in the best interest of your relationship!
5. Express gratitude when he does things that please you.
I’m not sure why this is, but sometimes, when our husbands or boyfriends catch us by surprise and do something that pleases us, we tend to not want to thank them, so that it doesn’t seem like “a big deal,” or so that they don’t think they’ve done us any favors. Except that… well… they have done us a favor! And, if I’ve chosen in the past to make a big deal about the things he’s done that I don’t like, why not make an even bigger deal when he does something that I do like! When we acknowledge and show appreciate for the things he’s done “right,” we’re significantly increasing the probability of him choosing to do that again! It’s a win-win situation for both of us!
There are some more things we can do, but these 5 are a great start toward get ourselves in the habit of dealing positively with our husbands’ and boyfriends’ not-so-great habits!
Do you have any suggestions or ideas for how to deal with your husband’s or boyfriend’s habits? Any thoughts about the ideas shared in this article? If so, please leave your comments below! We love to hear from you!
photo credit: Leigh Righton via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 7, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This past weekend, my family and I went on a mini-vacation. During the weekend, I periodically checked my email, texts and Facebook. I wasn’t doing it to ignore or upset my husband or because I wasn’t enjoying the time I was spending with my family. It was partly out of “habit,” and primarily because I hate falling behind and having a ton of “stuff” to sort through when I return to the office after taking a few days off.
I had forgotten my phone in our vacation home when we left for the pool and went back to get it so that I could take some pictures of my husband and the boys. While sitting in a lounge chair by the pool, I read an email from a friend that I felt needed to be addressed right away, so I responded and forwarded a text message to some of my other friends who I thought could help. I think that was the last drop in the proverbial bucket for my husband, who asked very exasperatedly, “Oh, is that why you needed to go get the phone?”
His tone caught me off-guard, and, before I knew it, I immediately went into defense mode and said, “I didn’t say anything to you when you went for a jog by yourself this morning!”
What?!? Did I really just go there?
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized how unloving and disrespectful I sounded!
Where is that blasted “Rewind Life” button when I need it most?
He then began to tell me that I had been emailing, texting, and Facebooking all weekend, and that we’d barely had a conversation. He said I was doing it when I was walking, standing in line, and sitting in the car. I wanted to respond that he was “wrong” and that I was an adult and did not need someone telling me when I could and could not communicate with the outside world. I wanted to defend myself some more and point out how he had been watching a show on Netflix every spare moment he had and how I was trying to help a friend, and… Well, I just really wanted to be right and prove that I wasn’t the only one doing something “wrong.” But, thankfully, this time, I chose to stop before speaking and that pause allowed me to listen to the heart message behind his words.
Behind his complaints and my perceived attempts at him trying to control me, I was able to hear my husband saying, “I just want to spend time with you.” When I took a moment to step aside (and hold my tongue), I was able to hear this message loud and clear! I’ll be honest. Part of me still wanted to be “right,” so I told him what was happening with my friend, and he immediately understood, which just let me see (again) just what an amazing and compassionate man he is (more heart message!).
In the next moment I had a clear choice. I could either choose to “prove” my independence and continue doing what I was doing, or I could choose intimacy, honor the heart message I was hearing, and having fun with my family. I chose to put aside my need to be right, put down my phone, , and jump in the pool with him and the boys. I apologized to my husband for the way I had snapped at him and for not being present during our family time. And we had a great time on the rest of our vacation.
Intimacy restored!
Sometimes, when our boyfriend or spouse “complains,” it may be that he’s trying to get our attention or point out something that he wants to communicate. It’s easy to go into “defense mode” and point out where he is making mistakes, too. But, if intimacy is what is important to us, then we need to be intentional about choosing it!
I could have remained righteous, ignored his complaint and kept doing what I was doing. I always have that choice. But, for me, having intimacy in my marriage and being happy is more important than being right. And rather than waste precious time together (between arguing, the cold war that comes afterwards, and then that awkward period of figuring out whether or not “we’re okay again”), I chose to listen to the heart message behind the message he was sending. And, because of that, I got to experience what I really wanted, which was a fun, joyful, and peaceful time with the man I love and the two little guys we created together!
To me, that connection is what it’s all about!
So, what about you? What do you do when it’s time to choose between being right or being happy? We’d love to read your comments!
photo credit: Camdiluv ♥ via photo pin cc
