by Gladys Diaz

There is a key element to making relationships work that most people tend to avoid, and that is the willingness to be vulnerable.

If you’re like most of the women I speak to, reading that sentence led to a surge of panic running right through you.

Being vulnerable can feel scary. 

Why?

Because to be vulnerable means being willing to let your guard down, step out from behind your wall of fears,  and open your heart to someone else without any guarantees that you will be accepted or that the attention and affection you give will be well-received or reciprocated.

Naturally, the thought of taking this type of risk is frightening, and it’s possible that you are using this fear to stop you from allowing new relationships to develop or existing relationships to take root and flourish.  However, without the willingness to be vulnerable, there can be no real intimacy, and, without intimacy, you simply can’t make a relationship work.

How can you tell if you’re allowing the fear of vulnerability to impact you and your relationships?  Here are some telling signs.

You don’t allow yourself to really get to know someone. 

If you’re dating and you’re avoiding vulnerability, it’s likely that you decide pretty quickly – sometimes just a few minutes into a conversation or a first date – that the man you’re with isn’t a good fit.  Perhaps, for example, you’re on a date and the man you’re with says or does something that you interpreted as “a sign” of impending doom for the relationship, and you decide, right then and there, that it simply wouldn’t work.

If this happens once or twice, it could be a case of “bad luck.” However, if you’re finding that this is a consistent pattern – where you rarely go out on more than one date with someone, or most of the men you are dating are never a good match – you want to consider that you are subconsciously sabotaging yourself to avoid getting close to anyone.

Not allowing yourself to get to know someone may save you some time, but it can also keep you alone.  If you notice that this is a pattern for you, challenge yourself to go out on at least 2 or 3 dates with someone before deciding to not see him anymore. It’s quite possible that if you do this, and if you give yourself permission to have fun while you’re at it, you may find yourself being pleasantly surprised!

You rarely let people get to know and see who you really are.

Wanting to be accepted is a very natural desire.  We enjoy knowing that people love and accept us for who we are. It’s difficult for people to make that choice, however, if we’re constantly on guard, holding back our thoughts and feelings, and not allowing others to really get to know us.

This is even more important when you beginning a new relationship, because a man simply can’t fall in love with you if you are not there!  True, he may fall for your stand-in, but pretending to be someone you’re not will eventually become exhausting. What’s more, you’ll never have the reassurance you want of knowing that who you are – with all of your strengths, flaws, and quirks – is who he chooses to love.

Whether you’re just starting a relationship or you’re already in one, trust that who you are is enough for the right man to love.  You won’t have to be perfect, because your imperfections will not scare the right man away. Remind yourself that a man who truly loves you will see and relate to your “imperfections” as part of what he loves about you.

Being willing to open yourself and your heart to someone else takes courage.  It takes the willingness to love and accept yourself first so that you can invite the love and acceptance of someone else into your life. 

And, while, yes, it can be scary, because there are no guarantees regarding what will happen after you let your guard down, what you will be guaranteeing is that you are giving yourself the best possible opportunity to welcome in and experience the type of love and intimacy your heart truly desires!

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know below. We love hearing from you!