by Gladys Diaz

What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress?  I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me.  For my husband, the way the house looks isn’t important, family is a bother, and he is struggling in his business.  There is very little support for my priorities.

It sounds to me as if you and your husband may simply in two different places at the moment.  There are things that you feel are priorities, and he may have different priorities.  However, consider different does not mean either set of priorities is right or wrong, good or bad.  They are simply different. 

I hear that you are frustrated and feeling stressed out.  Many times, the frustration we feel is not due to the actual circumstances we are experiencing with our spouse or partner.  Instead, the stress is coming from wanting him to feel the same way we do. We expend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to convince him that he’s wrong, that he should change his mind, and, basically, that he should agree and want to do things our way.

I’m like you.  I like to have my home tidy, clean, and presentable. For years my husband and I argued about the state of the kitchen counter.  At that time, he didn’t have an office in our home, and his space was the counter around our kitchen island.  It would be full of mail, his electronics, his watches, and what felt to me like everything else he owned.  I asked him repeatedly to please clean off the counter.  I explained how much it upset me.  I tried tidying up the counter myself (resentfully).  I complained, criticized, and nagged him about it.  Nothing worked.  Most of the time he ignored me and would leave the mess until 5 minutes before company arrived, or until I cleaned it off myself.

Finally, one day, after I’d cleaned up the kitchen and living room areas (everything except the counter), I said, “I love it when the house is tidy and all the surfaces are clear.  It makes me feel so peaceful.  He didn’t say or do anything then, but we had company coming over the next day, and I vowed I wasn’t going to argue about the counter again.  It just wasn’t worth it.

The next day I came downstairs about an hour before the company was set to arrive, and I noticed that the counter was completely cleared off.  I smiled and said, “Thank you for cleaning off the counter, honey!”  He said, “You’re welcome,” and nothing else.  After everyone left and I was cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed he was helping to clean up the living room, so I thanked him for all of his help that day.  A little while later he asked me, “Want to know why I cleared off the counter?” I said, “Yes. Why?”  He said, “Because you didn’t nag me about it and I knew it would make you happy.” And he was right! It did.

That was about four years ago, and I haven’t had to mention the counters again!  Every once in a while it gets a little messy, but once a week, he goes through the mail and gets the counter looking neat again.  I’m so grateful for both the effort he makes to please me and the peace in my home!

I also used to nag my husband about spending too much time on the computer or playing video games. I used to tell him he should get a better job or ask for a raise.  And I’d remind him constantly about the things he said he’d do that he hadn’t done yet.

I thought I was just telling him what I felt was important.  I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. And, many times, I thought that, if he really loved me, and if he was really the right guy for me, he would do these things without me having to tell him.

What I didn’t realize was that all of the complaining, criticizing, and correcting was actually causing the opposite of what I wanted to happen.  See, when all we do is tell our husbands what they are doing wrong or not “right enough,” all they can hear is that they are “wrong” and that they need to be “fixed” or “changed.”  And, quite frankly, they don’t like being told what they should do any more than we do!

There  isn’t a man on this planet who will tell you that he’s been inspired to change or do anything differently by his wife or girlfriend’s nagging.  In fact, the more we nag about something, the more we can expect that behavior to stay in place.

So, what can we do to get more help, more time, and more support?  Simply express your desires.  Expressing your desires is about telling him what you want or don’t want, but not what you want him to do or not do.

So, rather than saying, “I want you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, instead of leaving it on the floor,” ask yourself what it is that you want. Focus on the end result. If you think about it, what you really want is a neat room, so just say, “I want the room to look neat.”

Instead of complaining and saying, “You never take me out dancing anymore,” say, “I’d like to go dancing.”

Instead of complaining that he never helps around the house, say, “I want to make meatloaf, but I don’t want to wash the dishes.”

Instead of telling him, “You should spend more time with me and the kids,” tell him, “I’d like to spend time with you” or, even better, “I miss spending time with you.”

In each of these examples, you are focusing on what you want, not on what you want him to do.  This presents him with an invitation, instead of an obligation.  And, when we let our men know what we want, purely, with no expectations or criticisms, that’s what inspires them.  They just want to please us!

I know it sounds too simple.  I know, because I often feared that just saying what I wanted wouldn’t be enough.  I felt I might need to give him the reasons and explain why I wanted what I wanted.  But I’ve found that the more purely I express what I want, the better!

So, I invite you try it.  Instead of telling your husband all of the things he’s not doing to support you, just tell him what would please you. Start the sentence with “I want…” or “I’d like,” and remember to focus on the end result, instead of what you think he should do.

And, of course, when he does something that pleases you and helps fulfill your desires, thank him.  Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate it.  When he knows that he’s pleased you and that he’s also appreciated, that will ignite within him the desire to continue wanting to please you.  At the same time, you’ll be creating a wonderful dynamic of respect, generosity, and gratitude and bringing peace and tenderness back into your marriage!

Please let me know how it goes!

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know below!  We love hearing from you!

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