by Gladys Diaz

“Love creates an us without destroying a me.”

~ Author Unknown

Perhaps one of the biggest temptations we face when we first begin dating someone we really like is wanting to spend every possible moment with that person.  When we’re not physically together, we want to be on the phone, talking, hearing their voice, and basking in the knowledge that they want to be with us just as much as we want to be with them.  It really is such a wonderful phase in a relationship, and it’s normal to want to soak up as much of that happiness as possible.

The problem, however, comes in when we make the other person our sole focus, and we begin to neglect or forget about the things and people in our lives who we love and enjoyed prior to becoming part of “a couple.”  Perhaps we stop practicing self-care, going to the, gym, spending time with family, going out with our girlfriends, and engaging in the hobbies and activities that we have always enjoyed.  This can also lead to us becoming very “clingy” and dependent upon the other person to make us feel happy, because we are no longer taking responsibility for doing the things that bring us pleasure and joy.  And, as we saw in yesterday’s blog post, practicing good-self care by doing at least 3 things for ourselves that bring us pleasure and make us feel good is essential to creating our own happiness and having the patience and energy that it’s going to take to make the relationship work!

I fell into this trap myself when I first started dating my husband.  I guess you could say ours was a whirlwind romance.  From the night we met, to the next night (when we spoke on the phone for 7 hours) to the following night when we went on our first date, this was it!  We were inseparable! And, without really noticing it, I began letting go of the activities, people, and practices that were so important to me.  The fact that I was traveling for work 75% of the time also had something to do with wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, but it wasn’t until a few years into our marriage that I began to feel resentful about it. I felt like I had “lost” a part of myself and I was angry at my husband because I felt that I had changed in order for him to love me.  And, it was impacting our relationship.

I’ll never forget the day that I told him, “I just feel like you suck the joy out of everything I love and enjoy.” (Talk about “Ouch”!)

The weird part of all this?  He never asked me to give up the things I loved and enjoyed! I made that choice myself and I was holding it against him!  The resentment I felt was displaced.  I was really upset with myself for not honoring those things that made me feel happy, peaceful, and confident – the things that made me feel like “me”… The “me” he fell in love with in the first place!

It wasn’t until I began focusing on my own personal growth, practicing self-care, and doing the things that I enjoyed and was passionate about, that I started becoming “me” again.  A newer, fresher version of me.  And that had a very positive impact on our relationship!  I was no longer blaming and making my husband responsible for my happiness or  my unhappiness. I was taking responsibility for my own happiness, and that joy spilled over into every area of my life, including my family, friendships, and career!

Transitioning from being single to being in a relationship is a wonderful experience, and, yes, you want to relish in it and receive and enjoy the new-found love!  You deserve it! However, just remember to stay true to yourself and who you really are.  That’s who you want him to fall in love with anyway, right?  The key to creating a wonderful relationship where you get to create an “us” without losing yourself is to keep your life, even though he’s in it!

Are there some areas of your life that you used to enjoy that you’ve let go of simply because you are in a relationship?  If so, consider breathing life back into that hobby, friendship, or passion you once had. You and your relationship will both benefit!

Photo credit: ginnerobot via photopin.com cc