by Gladys Diaz

 I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course,  he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?

Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves.  You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”

I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.”  But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you.  Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together.  Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change.  Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.

I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around!  So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship?  And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?

So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve.  And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!

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