by heartsdesireintl | Aug 30, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
“If don’t ask me to marry you, then we need to break up.”
“If we don’t go to counseling, it’s over.”
“If you really loved me, you would…”
Ultimatums.
They give the person extending them a false sense of power. Why is it a false sense of power? Well, think about it. When you tell someone what he needs to do or say in order for you to be happy and have what you want, are you really the one with the power?
No.
You’ve basically handed over the power to have what you want to another person. You’ve made your happiness contingent upon the other person’s choice.
Think of it this way. Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a long time and, while it’s all nice, the relationship clearly not going anywhere. If you know that in order for you to be happy, you want to be in a committed relationship that ultimately leads to marriage, then you are the one with a choice to make. Not him. Now, you can definitely let him know that you would like to be married, but you wouldn’t tell him that if he wants to stay with you, he needs to want the same thing.
You’d simply say something like, “I’d really like to be married” – not “I’d really like to marry you” or “If you want to stay together, then I need to know that our relationship is leading to marriage.”
The last two statements make your choice hinge upon what he wants. Plus, if he did propose to you because you threatened to leave him, you’d never really know whether he would have chosen to ask you himself. Not because he was afraid of losing you, but because he couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without you!
In saying, “I’d like to be married,” you are owning your choice and your happiness. The word “you” (meaning him) is not even in that statement, because this is your desire.
The same holds true if you’re in a relationship or marriage. Telling your boyfriend or husband what he needs to do in order for you to be happy is manipulative and inauthentic. It’s a way to separate yourself from your own desires so that you don’t have to be vulnerable and share what you want for yourself.
Saying “We need to go to counseling, or it’s over” rather than “I’d like to go to counseling” is more about instilling fear in the other person. It also sends the message that, unless the other person does something to “fix” or change himself, the relationship simply won’t work. This message of “you need to change or be ‘fixed’” is what has most men resist the idea in the first place. Who the heck wants to go sit in an office with a stranger for an hour and listen to all of the things they’re doing wrong?
Saying “We need to go to counseling” also keeps you from committing to make the changes you can make that would make a difference in the relationship, because you’re hinging your willingness to change on his.
So, rather than throwing around ultimatums and giving away your power, own you power.
Look within and ask yourself what it is that you want. What is it that would make you happy? What have you been settling for and not willing to stand for? Where have you been making another person responsible for your own happiness?
Once you’ve identified those things, then create a simple statement that expresses what you want. Begin it with “I want…,” and make sure the words “you,” “we,” and “us” are nowhere in your statement.
Simply own your desire and embrace the power you have to create what you want in your life and in love!
If you’re ready to own your power and begin working with me to transform your dating life or relationship, simply fill out the new message form that popped up on this page and let’s set up some time time to talk!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 27, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I was speaking with a potential client the other day, and received one of the nicest compliments! Toward the end of the conversation, I asked her what she liked about the information I’d shared with her about how to break some of the recurring patterns that were blocking her from experiencing the type of relationship her heart truly desires. Expecting her response to be about one of the ideas I’d shared, I was pleasantly surprised when she said, “You have a very ladylike manner about you. I’d like to work with you!”
Now, if you’re a self-proclaimed feminists and wondering what the heck the big deal about being called “ladylike” is, let me explain. What I heard was that she was sensing my feminine nature – the essence of who I am as a woman that is light, receptive, and attractive.
Now, why was hearing that important to me, and how might it make a difference for you in dating and relationships?
For years, I leaned very heavily into my masculine energy. I felt that life’s experiences had taught me that I needed to take care of myself. I had a very “me-against-the-world” mentality. This attitude made me very successful in many areas of my life, such as living on my own at the age of 17 and being the first to graduate from college (with honors) in my family, being appointed a leader in almost every organization I have ever belonged to, and becoming the youngest Vice-President in the company in which I used to work (tack on the words “female” and “Latina” to that title, and it was an even bigger deal for me), and dealing with the death of my first husband. In my mind, life was about proving that I could do it all – on my own.
While it was great for my career and getting over life’s hurdles, when it came to being in a relationship, this do-it-yourself mentality was sabotaging me from having the type of experience I really wanted.
See, I had become so used to taking care of myself, that it was difficult to receive help or support from others without feeling like I was being “a burden” or that I owed them something in return. I rarely allowed my husband to make decisions – partly because I was so used to making them myself, but mostly because I didn’t trust anyone else to make the “right decisions.” Even the times when I would go to my husband for help or support, I’d end up either dismissing or contradicting what he said, making him feel as if there was nothing he could do to contribute to me, because I had it all handled myself.
It wasn’t until I began understanding how important it is for a man to feel like he is able to contribute, take care of, and please a woman that I began to see how I was blocking myself from receiving my husband’s love and attention. It took a while for me to understand that, while I was still capable of caring for myself, making decisions, and handling life’s curve balls, now that I was in a relationship, I didn’t have to do it all on my own. I had a partner who was ready, willing, and able to stand next to, help, and support me.
This is when I began to embrace and step into my feminine power.
I began to see that, while I might still have to face some giants in this world, I didn’t have to face them alone. I began to experience the delight of not having to carry the weight of every single decision on my shoulders. And I began to see how the more receptive I was, the more my husband wanted to give and do for me. For the first time in my life, I saw receiving as a gift I was giving myself and the person who was choosing to give to me.
So, whether you are single or in a relationship, I invite you to really begin receiving compliments, offers of assistance, and gifts. If a man wants to hold open the door for you, give you his jacket because he noticed you shivered, or pay for dinner, let him. Give yourself the gift of receiving and let him know you noticed and appreciated the gesture.
If your husband offers to order take-out or make the kids sandwiches so that you don’t have to cook; wants to go on vacation, even though you think saving money would be more practical; or offers to wash the dishes (even if he does them 2 hours after you would have liked them washed), let him. Give yourself the gift of receiving and him the gift of knowing that you’re willing to let him help and care for you.
Being feminine is our natural state of being, And men who are attracted to and want to be in relationship with women are attracted to our feminine essence. So let go of the need to appear as if you’ve got it all handled, and allow yourself to experience the gift of receiving.
The more receptive you are, the more you’ll receive the things your heart most desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 16, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Unconditional love.” It’s a phrase used often when people are asked to describe what type of love they’d like to experience or what their definition of “true love” is. The truth is, however, that many of us can tend to be very conditional when it comes to giving and receiving love. We have so many expectations about what love should look like — how it should be demonstrated, and how the other person needs to prove their love for us.
When love is truly unconditional, it means that there are no expectations or rules regarding how it must be given. This means that there wouldn’t be any “formulas” or ultimatums regarding the love, like “If he really loves me, then he would ____ .” The moment we begin to set rules, requirements, and conditions that the love and affection must meet, we have turned our desire for love into an obligation that must be met.
Rather than requiring that love look, sound, or be demonstrated in a particular way, be open and willing to receive the love that is being sent your way. Rather than looking through the lens of it not being “good enough,” receive it graciously, allow yourself feel it and be grateful for it, and then express your gratitude.
And when it comes to giving love to another, it’s also important to let go of the expectations and conditions under which you will demonstrate and give your love. So many times we withhold love, appreciation, and forgiveness, using the withdrawal and absence of our love as a “punishment.” The moment we have the thought that we are not going to show him our love until he says or does something, we are being conditional with our love.
Granted, to be able to give and receive love freely, it’s important that you know that you are in a relationship someone who is good for you – someone who is not cheating on or putting you in any type of physical or emotional danger. Those types of “requirements” are about loving and putting yourself safety and self-care first. But outside of any real physical or emotional danger, if you are with a man who cares for you and gives you the experience of being loved, then there’s absolutely no greater gift that you can give him than accepting him, loving him freely, and receiving the love he gives to you willingly, graciously, and open-heartedly! And the best part about this gift is that being the giver is almost as wonderful as being the recipient!
So, go ahead! Love fully! Love unconditionally!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 13, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.”
~ William Durant
I posted this quote on our Facebook page over the weekend, and it really stuck with me. How many times in our lives do we use the mistakes and failures of the past to keep us stuck where we are? We’ll replay past conversations (or arguments), choices we made, things that we did (or didn’t do) over and over in our heads, continuously making ourselves wrong for what we did back then. However, we’re also using this as an excuse to not move ahead and make a different choice now.
The truth is that if you’re human, you’ve made at least one mistake in the past 24 hours. So, when it comes to love, what would have us believe that we need to be infallible, incapable of making a mistake now and again? And what would make us believe that we are incapable of making different choices, knowing what we know now?
Part of it may be that we’ve seen patterns repeated in our lives. Perhaps there’s been a pattern of choosing men who were not faithful or ready to commit to us. Maybe we’ve made and broken promises to be more respectful and less harsh in our actions and words toward the men we love. Or maybe the promises we’ve broken have been those we’ve made to ourselves – about finally making a commitment to doing whatever it takes to have the relationship of our dreams, or about giving up the fear that has kept us feeling stuck and alone and having the courage to go out there and date or walk up to our beloved and ask for forgiveness.
Whatever it is that has been keeping you stuck in the past – whatever failures, mistakes, or regrets you’ve been holding onto – it’s time to let them go. It’s time to forgive yourself, him, them, and everything else you’ve been making wrong, and just make a choice now to create a brand new start!
So what will you do to create a new start in your love life?
Will you finally let go of resentment and forgive yourself or others?
Will you give up the pride that’s been keeping you stuck and ask for forgiveness?
Will you put your profile up on dating site and just open up to the possibility of attracting new love?
Will you recommit yourself to the relationship you’re in and begin making the changes that will reignite the love that’s begun to fade?
Will you begin working with a relationship coach who can help you identify the fears and patterns holding you back so that you can break free from them and finally start living the life and the love your heart desires? If you’re ready, you’ll want to check out the Create Your Love Story coaching program that is helping women transform their love lives!
Whatever it is that you’re ready to do to breathe life into your love life and relationships, choose one thing you are going to do and do it now!
And let me know what that is in the comments below, because I’d love to hear what it is and support you in any way I can!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 9, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
As women, we don’t always realize the incredible power we have to create the types of relationships we long to experience. It’s easy to look outside of ourselves – perhaps to the history in our families around relationships, to what the world and media outlets are saying is possible, to other people (mainly men) that we can blame – to explain or justify why we are not experiencing what we want in our love lives and relationships.
What takes courage and vulnerability is the willingness to turn the mirror around and look within. It takes courage because, acknowledging that I am the one who can create a change in my life – that I have the power to do that – means that I have to take responsibility for why my relationship and my life don’t look the way I want them to. It means acknowledging where I might need to make some changes, let go of trying to control things, and create space in my life for the love, laughter, peace, and miracles I want to see, feel, and live!
As I shared with someone earlier this week, when I am willing to be responsible for the role I’ve played in my life and my relationship looking the way they do, then I can also take the credit for having made the changes necessary to turn them around! Now, that’s empowering!
As empowering as it is, it’s not always “easy” to take on being responsible and making the changes that will make a difference. And it also doesn’t make it any less scary. There will be a part of us that will wonder or doubt whether the changes will really make a difference. And it can be tempting to have that fear and doubt talk us out of taking action.
For example, a single woman may wonder if giving up her checklist of necessary requirements a man “must” meet in order to date her will mean that she’ll have to settle for someone she’s not interested in or attracted to. Unless her belief that she can have the relationship of her dreams with a man who is interesting, to whom she’s attracted, and who treats her like the goddess she is becomes bigger than her fear, she’ll make the fear and doubt the reasons why she can’t give up the checklist. And she may be cheating herself out of experiencing the very relationship she says she wants.
If a married woman feels that her marriage has lost the romance, that there’s no more friendship or passion, and all that’s left is an amicable roommate-type of relationship, she may wonder whether being more appreciative, more vulnerable, and inviting some romance back into the relationship and the bedroom will work. After all… it’s been years since she felt butterflies in her stomach and gotten goosebumps when he touches or looks at her that way. Allowing herself to be vulnerable also means taking a risk, not knowing how he’ll respond or whether he’ll be interested in having things change. So, unless her belief that she can experience love, passion, and romance again with the man she promised to love forever is bigger than her fear of possibly having her efforts rejected, the fears and doubts will have her cheat herself out of experiencing the very intimacy she longs for.
So, to begin choosing your heart’s desires over your fears:
- Acknowledge what your heart desires. Write it down. Describe how your dream relationship feels. What is the experience of being in that relationship like?
- Notice the fears and doubts that come up as you are describing your dream relationship. What types of thoughts creep into your mind?
- Choose to honor your heart’s desires over your fears. Acknowledge the fears and doubts, and choose to take an action that’s aligned with the type of relationship you want to have, anyway!
It simply comes down to choice. You can choose your fears and doubts, or you can choose to honor your heart’s desires. You can choose to avoid taking a risk, or you can choose to put your heart on the line and allow yourself the opportunity to be pleasantly surprised. You can choose to talk about wanting a happy, loving, intimate relationship, or you can create one. You can choose to allow things to stay the way they are and pretend like you don’t have the power to change them, or you can begin taking the steps to transform them.
The choice, as with anything else, is always up to you.
The real question is: Will you choose to step into your power to create the relationship and the life your heart desires?
If you’re ready to choose your happiness, your dreams, and your heart desires and you’d like support in making them come true, then take a few moments to learn more about how you can begin putting that choice into action today!
Click here to learn more!
This is your life and your happiness we’re talking about! It’s time to choose YOU!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 2, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
The beginning of this week was tough for me. I had a busy weekend and kept going, and going, and going, adding more things on my plate. On Saturday, after a long morning of not-so-successful fishing with the family, I curled up on the couch with my favorite Disney flannel blanket, ready to take a nap to the sound of the falling rain (one of my favorite things to do!). A few minutes later, however, my husband reminded me that we’d told the boys we’d take them to go see a movie. I rested for a bit, but I wasn’t able to take the yummy nap I’d settled in to take.
On Sunday, I I spend most of the day cleaning the house. Usually, the boys and my husband will help me, but, for some unknown reason, I didn’t ask for help. So, what could have taken me two hours, ended up taking four hours. I was exhausted. Then I had to run over to my mom’s house and do groceries for her. By the time I got home, it was about 9:00 p.m., and, after I folded and put the clothes away and finally sitting down, I began to notice that I was feeling a little “off” — not really sick, per se, but not quite like myself.
I chalked it up to just being tired, but, by the time I woke up on Monday, my head and body felt heavy. I felt as if I could not overcome the desire to close my eyes. At first, I thought I had the flu, but I had none of the symptoms. All I knew was that it was as if my body was screaming at me to give it some rest. So I laid down on the day bed in my husband’s home office to talk to him for a little bit… And I fell asleep for four hours! That night, I let my husband take care of dinner for the boys and I went to bed early (for me) and slept another ten hours!
Tuesday morning, I still did not feel like myself, and since I didn’t have any early appointments, I stayed in bed for as long as I could before going to my desk. I worked in my pajamas, in case I got the chance to lie down again. I’d promised my kids I’d finish work early so that we could do something fun together. When I asked my son if he wanted to go bowling, he said, “Mama, you’re not feeling well. You should really rest.” (Out of the mouth of babes…)
When he said that, I realized how easy it is for me to put everything and everyone before myself. I clearly still did not feel 100% like myself, but I was going to put that aside so that I could do something with my kids, which probably would not have been fun, given the way I was feeling. I saw how my little one was more in touch with how I was feeling than I was, and I was filled with gratitude for the love I felt coming from him! Now, why wasn’t I giving that same type of love to myself?
Do you do the same thing? Do you tend to put aside your needs and your heart’s desires to take care of other people and “more important things”?
For example, do say you want to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship, but tend to put all of your time, energy, and attention into your work and career? Do you put off going out on dates and possibly meeting the man of your dreams because you’re simply “too busy”?
Do you do everything for everyone else in your home — cook, clean, take care of the bills and make all of the decisions, but deny yourself the time to just relax with a good book, call up or spend some time with a girlfriend, or take a nap?
Do you tend to avoid dealing the issues that you and your husband or partner are experiencing by diving into projects at work or in the community? Is it easier to pretend those problems are not there or that they will somehow, magically, work themselves out?
It can be easy to lose sight of what we really want. We can create excuses, reasons, and justifications for why something else is more urgent or more important. But when we do that, we are also denying ourselves the things we desire most, and, with that, will come a corresponding drop in vitality, in our sense of joy and fulfillment, and in our sense of worth.
So, are you with me? Will you go ahead and put yourself at the top of your list of priorities? Will you make a choice right now to do something that you enjoy, that brings you pleasure, and that allows you to feel like you are at the top of your list?
If so, please tell me what you are going to do for yourself in the comment box below! I want to celebrate with you!
And, for those of you who are single and are ready to stop putting your love life, your happiness, and your heart’s desires on hold, I want to invite you to learn about my new “Create Your Love Story” coaching and mentoring program. This program will allow you and me to work together so that you can learn the skills that will have you attract the love that you want, create the love story you dream of and pray about, and have that love last for a lifetime.
Put yourself at the top of your list and sign up to work with me now!
===>>Click here to learn more!<<===
P.S. If you missed the “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams” 90-Minute Training Call and you want to do the exercises that will help you create the relationship of your dreams now, there will be an encore call Friday, August 2nd, at 3:00 p.m. Eastern. The link will remain live until midnight on Saturday, but you must sign up for the call in order to get the call-in details.
Join this life-changing call and begin living the life and love of your dreams!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
