I started my career as a teacher. I absolutely love knowing I’m making a difference in the lives of the people I teach – whether they be children, other educators, my own kids, or my clients. Helping someone discover something new that changes the way they see and understand things is one of the most rewarding feelings for me.
There is one person in my life, however, who doesn’t quite appreciate me “teaching” him: My husband.
See, for years, I didn’t realize that I was spending a lot of time trying to teach my husband how to eat healthier, dress better, or express his emotions in a more calm way. I didn’t realize that every time I began a sentence with “You should…,” “You shouldn’t…,” or “What I would do is…,” he was cringing inside! Why? Well, first of all, because, usually, he hadn’t asked me for my help! All of that unsolicited, “helpful advice” was coming across as condescending, and, while I thought I was coming from a helpful place, all he heard from me was criticism and correction – like I was trying to fix or change him.
And, you know what? He was right!
The truth is that, while I used the cloak of trying to be helpful or giving my honest opinion, when I gave my husband unsolicited advice, it was usually because I thought there was something he could or should be doing differently. Rather than respecting his way of doing things, I felt it was my duty to let him know how he could or should do it differently or better (a.k.a. my way).
Once I began realizing just how negatively this was impacting my relationship, in that my husband was withdrawing and resisting everything I suggested (to the point where it seemed he was purposefully doing the opposite of anything I said), I began making a real effort to think before speaking and to be totally honest with myself about why I felt the need to say something. Was it really about sharing my opinion – my unsolicited opinion – or was it because I was trying to change his mind about how he should do something. Once I began to catch myself, I was able to see that a lot of the time, it really was about me wanting him to do things my way. And it was costing me big time when it came to the intimacy in our relationship.
So, does this mean that as women in a relationship we never get to say what we think, how we feel, or what we want? Not at all!
My husband and I now have an agreement that if either one of us wants coaching or would like the other’s opinion, then we clearly make the request by saying something like, “I’d like your opinion…” or “I’d really like some coaching.” This request is crystal-clear and it helps both the person who is requesting the advice or coaching andthe one doing the listening, because now, if I’m the listener, I know that there is a different way I should be listening to what he’s saying. If he’s not requesting my advice, I can just be a generous listener. And, even then, the only way I can really give my opinion or coaching is if I’m really listening to him and listening for what he is asking. If I’m only half-listening, or only thinking about what I’m going to say, chances are that what I end up saying may not be relevant to what he’s shared. And, even when he asks for my opinion, I like to ask him what he thinks first so that I can see what he’s already thinking of doing. This gives me the opportunity to be supportive and respectful of his ideas, because, ultimately, he’s going to want to make the choice that feels right to him. Notice how I said that the choice feels right to him, notto me! (smile)
I wish I could say that I never revert to “teacher mode” anymore. That I’m completely devoid of the need to want to correct or tell my husband how he might say, do, or approach something differently. The truth is that now and again, I do tell him how he should drive, what I think he should say to an employee, or why I think he’s hit a plateau on his weight loss. The truth is that I’m not perfect, and that the need to be right does creep up every once in a while. The difference now is that I can recognize when I’ve done it and I’ll apologize to him. And, sometimes, when I’m really being aware of my speaking, I may even catch myself as I’m doing it, and I will immediately stop myself mid-sentence and apologize to him for trying to tell him what to do. Usually, he’ll respond by giving me that smile that says, “Thanks, Babe!” (I love that smile!).
On thenext blog post, I’ll be sharing some very specific statements that can use to share what you feel, want and think in such a way that it doesn’t come across as teaching, fixing, or trying to change the man you are dating or in a relationship with!
This week I found myself dealing with many disappointments. I’m usually a pretty positive person, but I have to admit that I had more than a few moments of frustration, sadness, and crying sessions. Working myself through the disappointment took a willingness to just be with the feelings, rather than resisting them; be responsible for the role I’d played in having things turn out the way they did; and courage to dust myself off and pick myself up again! I also discovered that, as disappointing as a situation may be, the lessons learned are part of the journey and that, if I can be open to seeing what those lessons are, I am one step closer to achieving my goals and dreams.
It’s no different when it comes to dating in relationships. Whether you’re disappointed that you’re not attracting the kind of man you’d like to share your life with, or you’re disappointed about the way a conversation with your husband or boyfriend went, it’s how you choose to deal with the disappointment can affect how beneficial the learning experience can be.
So, what are some ways that you can effectively deal with disappointments in relationships?
Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Trying to resist feeling sad, upset, or disillusioned is futile. As the saying goes: “What your resists persists,” so give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. The key to getting to the other side of the disappointment, however, is to avoid wrapping yourself in the feeling and staying “stuck” there. Instead, acknowledge what you’re feeling, allow yourself to feel it, and, then let it go. The other day, my sister and I gave each other permission to vent about an issue we were having for 10 minutes. Once those 10 minutes were over, we moved on to seeking solutions! It was great because we didn’t have to go through making one another wrong for feeling how we were feeling or pretending that we weren’t feeling that way, which deepened the intimacy we share.
In a romantic relationship, you may want to give yourself a “time out” before sharing how you are feeling. Why? Because at times, our emotions are super-charged at the moment of disappointment, and we may end up saying or doing something we’re later going to regret, thus adding to the disappointment. So, it’s much better to sort through what it is that you are feeling – perhaps by venting with someone who is not a part of the situation – before choosing to share those feelings with our partner.
Take responsibility for the role you played in the situation. Whether a mistake was made, something could have been done differently, you said or did something that contributed to the situation, or you fueled the flames by defending your point of view or making the other person wrong, own the role you played in how things turned out. Taking responsibility is not about assigning fault or blame. It’s simply about being willing to acknowledge what you did or said that contributed to the situation. This is important, because, once you take responsibility for the role you played in the situation, you can also take the credit for helping to turn things around! So, rather than defend yourself or assign blame to others, just take responsibility for the part you played so that you can move forward. Which brings us to the next point:
Avoid staying stuck in the muck. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t enjoy failing, making mistakes, or having things turn out differently than I imagined. I prefer success a whole lot more! However, sometimes, after having experienced a disappointment, it can be difficult to want to try again. We fear having to experience the sting of disappointment again, and this can cause us to want to want to quit and stop trying. The problem, however, is that, until we’re willing to step out of the muck and try again, we’ll never truly know what we’re capable of creating.
So, if you’re disappointed with regard to your experience with dating, revise your online profile, look for another online site that may be more to your liking, and trying out new places and activities where you might meet potential suitors. If you’re disappointed with the level of love and romance in your relationship, do something fun and romantic with or for your partner. And if you feel as if you’re struggling to make your relationship work, reach out a relationship coach or someone you know who can help you see what you may be able to do turn things around. There is always help and there’s always hope!
And throughout all of this, remember that, as painful and uncomfortable as the disappointment may seem, there are life and love lessons to be learned at every moment – each one another stepping stone in your journey. And every time you choose to have the courage to identify what those lessons are and apply them in your life and relationships, you are one step closertoward achieving your dreams and fulfilling your heart’s desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This weekend, I had the privilege of being invited to speak on a panel at the 2013 Niche Parent Conference. While I was very honored by the invitation, I was also terrified! See, the topic on which I was asked to speak was not dating or relationships – well, at least not the romantic relationships I’m used to speaking about. I was invited to talk about how we’ve used Heart’s Desire International’s Facebook page to connect with our community, establish relationships with our readers and clients, and build our business and our brand.
To say that I felt like I was stepping outside of my comfort zone is a huge understatement! First of all, I’m not a Facebook expert, we don’t have thousands of followers on our page, and I was speaking to an audience of experienced bloggers who may have already known some of the things I was going to share. I was so terrified that two days before the conference I was ready to let the person who invited me know that I just couldn’t do it.
Thankfully, a good friend of mine got me to see (ironically, via a Facebook chat) that I wasn’t invited to speak as a Facebook expert or because of the number of “Likes” on my page. She helped me realize that, while we may not have a ton of “Likes” on our page, we use our page to touch Lives, and that lives are heck of a lot more important than “Likes”!
It was at that moment that I saw clearly how I’d been letting my fear keep me from stepping out and doing something that felt uncomfortable for me. So, what did I do? I thought of YOU! I thought of my readers and my clients and how I’m constantly inviting you to step outside of your comfort zone and not allow your fears to stop you from having the loving, intimate relationship your heart desires. I thought about how I invite and challenge you to take steps that are aligned with your goals and dreams, because it’s what you deserve! And I thought about the types of results you have when you choose to trust me and yourselves and take those risks! So… I chose to follow my own advice!
Here’s a quick video message I shot for you on the terrace of the hotel, sharing what I did to move past my fears, step outside of my own comfort zone, and take a risk that was aligned with my goals!
Thanks again for the inspiration and for being a part of my journey!
P.S. If you haven’t done so yet, please stop by and “Like” our Facebook page! We share inspirational quotes and messages daily, as well as articles, resources, and advice about love, hope and relationships!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
A very special thanks to Nadia Jones (TheNicheMommy.com) and Parker Lake (Certatim) for the invitation to speak on the panel, Caroline Murphy (SmartyPantsMama.com) for her session on v-logging, which inspired me to get out of another comfort zone and make this on-the-spot video, and all of the mommy bloggers and speakers who inspired me during this amazing conference!
“If don’t ask me to marry you, then we need to break up.”
“If we don’t go to counseling, it’s over.”
“If you really loved me, you would…”
Ultimatums.
They give the person extending them a false sense of power. Why is it a false sense of power? Well, think about it. When you tell someone what he needs to do or say in order for you to be happy and have what you want, are you really the one with the power?
No.
You’ve basically handed over the power to have what you want to another person. You’ve made your happiness contingent upon the other person’s choice.
Think of it this way. Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a long time and, while it’s all nice, the relationship clearly not going anywhere. If you know that in order for you to be happy, you want to be in a committed relationship that ultimately leads to marriage, then you are the one with a choice to make. Not him. Now, you can definitely let him know that you would like to be married, but you wouldn’t tell him that if he wants to stay with you, he needs to want the same thing.
You’d simply say something like, “I’d really like to be married” – not“I’d really like to marry you” or “If you want to stay together, then I need to know that our relationship is leading to marriage.”
The last two statements make your choice hinge upon what he wants. Plus, if he did propose to you because you threatened to leave him, you’d never really know whether he would have chosen to ask you himself. Not because he was afraid of losing you, but because he couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without you!
In saying, “I’d like to be married,” you are owning your choice and your happiness. The word “you” (meaning him) is not even in that statement, because this is your desire.
The same holds true if you’re in a relationship or marriage. Telling your boyfriend or husband what he needs to do in order for you to be happy is manipulative and inauthentic. It’s a way to separate yourself from your own desires so that you don’t have to be vulnerable and share what you want for yourself.
Saying “We need to go to counseling, or it’s over” rather than “I’d like to go to counseling” is more about instilling fear in the other person. It also sends the message that, unless the other person does something to “fix” or change himself, the relationship simply won’t work. This message of “you need to change or be ‘fixed’” is what has most men resist the idea in the first place. Who the heck wants to go sit in an office with a stranger for an hour and listen to all of the things they’re doing wrong?
Saying “We need to go to counseling” also keeps you from committing to make the changes you can make that would make a difference in the relationship, because you’re hinging your willingness to change on his.
So, rather than throwing around ultimatums and giving away your power, own you power.
Look within and ask yourself what it is that you want. What is it that would make you happy? What have you been settling for and not willing to stand for? Where have you been making another person responsible for your own happiness?
Once you’ve identified those things, then create a simple statement that expresses what you want. Begin it with “I want…,” and make sure the words “you,” “we,” and “us” are nowhere in your statement.
Simply own your desire and embrace the power you have to create what you want in your life and in love!
If you’re ready to own your power and begin working with me to transform your dating life or relationship, simply fill out the new message form that popped up on this page and let’s set up some time time to talk!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
I was speaking with a potential client the other day, and received one of the nicest compliments! Toward the end of the conversation, I asked her what she liked about the information I’d shared with her about how to break some of the recurring patterns that were blocking her from experiencing the type of relationship her heart truly desires. Expecting her response to be about one of the ideas I’d shared, I was pleasantly surprised when she said, “You have a very ladylike manner about you. I’d like to work with you!”
Now, if you’re a self-proclaimed feminists and wondering what the heck the big deal about being called “ladylike” is, let me explain. What I heard was that she was sensing my feminine nature – the essence of who I am as a woman that is light, receptive, and attractive.
Now, why was hearing that important to me, and how might it make a difference for you in dating and relationships?
For years, I leaned very heavily into my masculine energy. I felt that life’s experiences had taught me that I needed to take care of myself. I had a very “me-against-the-world” mentality. This attitude made me very successful in many areas of my life, such as living on my own at the age of 17 and being the first to graduate from college (with honors) in my family, being appointed a leader in almost every organization I have ever belonged to, and becoming the youngest Vice-President in the company in which I used to work (tack on the words “female” and “Latina” to that title, and it was an even bigger deal for me), and dealing with the death of my first husband. In my mind, life was about proving that I could do it all – on my own.
While it was great for my career and getting over life’s hurdles, when it came to being in a relationship, this do-it-yourself mentality was sabotaging me from having the type of experience I really wanted.
See, I had become so used to taking care of myself, that it was difficult to receive help or support from others without feeling like I was being “a burden” or that I owed them something in return. I rarely allowed my husband to make decisions – partly because I was so used to making them myself, but mostly because I didn’t trust anyoneelse to make the “right decisions.” Even the times when I would go to my husband for help or support, I’d end up either dismissing or contradicting what he said, making him feel as if there was nothing he could do to contribute to me, because I had itall handled myself.
It wasn’t until I began understanding how important it is for a man to feel like he is able to contribute, take care of, and please a woman that I began to see how I was blocking myself from receiving my husband’s love and attention. It took a while for me to understand that, while I was still capable of caring for myself, making decisions, and handling life’s curve balls, now that I was in a relationship, I didn’t have todo it all on my own. I had a partner who was ready, willing, and able to stand next to, help, and support me.
This is when I began to embrace and step into my feminine power.
I began to see that, while I might still have to face some giants in this world, I didn’t have to face them alone. I began to experience the delight of not having to carry the weight of every single decision on my shoulders. And I began to see how the more receptive I was, the more my husband wanted to give and do for me. For the first time in my life, I saw receiving as a gift I was giving myself and the person who was choosing to give to me.
So, whether you are single or in a relationship, I invite you to really begin receiving compliments, offers of assistance, and gifts. If a man wants to hold open the door for you, give you his jacket because he noticed you shivered, or pay for dinner, let him. Give yourself the gift of receiving and let him know you noticed and appreciated the gesture.
If your husband offers to order take-out or make the kids sandwiches so that you don’t have to cook; wants to go on vacation, even though you think saving money would be more practical; or offers to wash the dishes (even if he does them 2 hours after you would have liked them washed), let him. Give yourself the gift of receiving and him the gift of knowing that you’re willing to let him help and care for you.
Being feminine is our natural state of being, And men who are attracted to and want to be in relationship with women are attracted to our feminine essence. So let go of the need to appear as if you’ve got it all handled, and allow yourself to experience the gift of receiving.
The more receptive you are, the more you’ll receive the things your heart most desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
“Unconditional love.” It’s a phrase used often when people are asked to describe what type of love they’d like to experience or what their definition of “true love” is. The truth is, however, that many of us can tend to be veryconditional when it comes to giving and receiving love. We have so many expectations about what love should look like — how it should be demonstrated, and how the other person needs to prove their love for us.
When love is truly unconditional, it means that there are no expectations or rules regarding how it must be given. This means that there wouldn’t be any “formulas” or ultimatums regarding the love, like “If he really loves me, then he would ____ .” The moment we begin to set rules, requirements, and conditions that the love and affection must meet, we have turned our desire for love into an obligation that must be met.
Rather than requiring that love look, sound, or be demonstrated in a particular way, be open and willing to receive the love that is being sent your way. Rather than looking through the lens of it not being “good enough,” receive it graciously, allow yourself feel it and be grateful for it, and then express your gratitude.
And when it comes to giving love to another, it’s also important to let go of the expectations and conditions under which you will demonstrate and give your love. So many times we withhold love, appreciation, and forgiveness, using the withdrawal and absence of our love as a “punishment.” The moment we have the thought that we are not going to show him our love until he says or does something, we are being conditional with our love.
Granted, to be able to give and receive love freely, it’s important that you know that you are in a relationship someone who is good for you – someone who is not cheating on or putting you in any type of physical or emotional danger. Those types of “requirements” are about loving and putting yourself safety and self-care first. But outside of any real physical or emotional danger, if you are with a man who cares for you and gives you the experience of being loved, then there’s absolutely no greater gift that you can give him than accepting him, loving him freely, and receiving the love he gives to you willingly, graciously, and open-heartedly! And the best part about this gift is that being the giver is almost as wonderful as being the recipient!
So, go ahead! Love fully! Love unconditionally!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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