by heartsdesireintl | Oct 15, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This past weekend, Michelle and I celebrated our 42nd Birthday (for those of you who didn’t know, we are twins!). When it comes to birthdays, I love to make a big deal. When my husband or one of my boys has a birthday, I make that whole week Birthday Week,” and that person gets to feel special all week through small surprises, getting away with a little more than usual, and being served Birthday Pancakes on the big day (one for each year). It’s my way of making the guys I love feel special. And I get that it’s my way – the way I like to express my love through small gifts and acts of kindness.
My husband is not really into details like that. He always shows me that he loves me, but expresses his love through physical touch and spending time together. In the past, I have to admit that I would build up this “birthday surprise” in my head and then go about planning things to make it happen, because I didn’t want to be disappointed if he hadn’t planned something special for me. On a few occasions, I was upset that he was asking me on the day of my birthday what it was I wanted to do. And, back in my pouty, bratty, controlling days, we ended up not doing much of anything, because I was more concerned with being right than being happy… even on my birthday!
Well, this Birthday Week I was too sick to really plan anything… And the most amazing thing happened! First, my husband planned a night of dinner and dancing with my sister and her husband. That plan fell through, due to my illness, but it was soooo awesome that he came up with what would have been my perfect idea for a birthday celebration with my best friends! When he saw how sad I was about not being able to go out with them, he said, “We can still do something fun, just the two of us.” He asked me what I wanted to do, and we ended up going to a dine-in theater where we had a spectacular dinner while watching a movie in reclining sofa-style seats, with an ottoman on which to prop up our feet! I loved it!
Before I left to go pick up my mom so that she could watch the boys, I noticed my little one was dressed, and not in his pajamas. When I asked him, he said, “Well, I thought we were going with Dada to the ssss—.” Busted! Poor thing, he was trying to keep the secret that my husband had planned to take them out to the store to get me a present while I picked up my mom! Another surprise! The boys ended up picking out some beautiful bangle bracelets in my favorite color (purple), and my husband picked out the sweetest birthday card, in which he wrote me a message, thanking me for being the best mom, wife, and best friend. They also bought me some yummy cookies-and-cream chocolate mousse cupcakes (can’t wait to have my left-over one tonight!).
On my actual birthday, I went thrift store shopping (one of my favorite things to do), and I scored a beautiful new BCBG dress that will be my favorite for a long time, as well as some other great finds (mostly purple!). Not once did my husband call to tell me we were going to be late for the movies (his pet peeve) if I didn’t hurry up. He just sent me one text about ½ an hour before we had to leave to ask me my status. So, I got to shop in peace (another surprise!). We took the boys to see a really funny movie, then went to order some crabs to be steamed (my birthday, my choice!) and he bought me some cute purple-and-black sneakers that we just happened to walk by at the store (yet another surprise). We had our yummy crab dinner and then snuggled on the couch until late, watching some of our favorite shows.
As I lay down last night, I thanked God for all of the sweet surprises I had received on this Birthday Weekend. And it wasn’t really about the gifts. It was the fact that my hubby had gone out of his way to make sure that I felt special on my Birthday. He did all of the little things that make me smile, jump up and down with delight, and make me feel loved. I didn’t ask him to. I didn’t expect it. Instead, I gave myself the gift of allowing myself to be pleasantly surprised. And it was so much sweeter that way!
I must have thanked my husband at least a hundred times this weekend… But, you know what… When I finish typing this blog post, I’m going to send him a thank-you text, just because I’m still smiling!
Do you and your husband or boyfriend have different ways of expressing your love? Do you resent or try to get him to change his ways to match, or do you allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised?
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 14, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
All intimacy is rare — that’s what makes it precious. And it involves the revelation of one’s self and the loving gaze upon another’s true self (no makeup, no fancy car, no defensive charm, no seduction) — that’s what makes it so damn hard. Intimacy requires honesty and kindness in almost equal measure (a little more kindness, I think), trust and trustworthiness, forgiveness and the capacity to be forgiven . . . It’s more than worth.
~ Amy Bloom
One of the reasons intimacy in a relationship is so precious is because it involves pure and unadulterated vulnerability to create it. Intimacy is more than just the physical, sexual part of a relationship. It’s that moment of connection – where you allow someone to see straight through to the core of who you are. It takes courage to be that transparent, that open to someone else. But, then again, love requires being willing to take an emotional risk. And the payoff – the connection, the feeling of “oneness” that is created in those moments where you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the other person sees the very essence of you and accepts, cherishes, and honors it… it’s makes every bit of the risk worthwhile!
When are the moments where you feel most intimately connected?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 12, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“In a true partnership, the kind worth striving for, the kind worth insisting on… both people try to give as much or even a little more than they get. ‘Deserves’ is not the point. And ‘owes’ is certainly not the point. The point is to make the other person as happy as we can, because their happiness adds to ours. The point is – in the right hands, everything that you give, you get.”
~ Amy Bloom
This week has been an “interesting one” in our home, to say the least. It began last Thursday evening, when, close to midnight, I discovered that my little one had gotten sick all over his bed (and the wall, and the carpet). Before I knew it, my husband had him in the tub, bathing him, while I rinsed off the bed sheets and clothes and got them in the laundry. Then, while I scrubbed the walls, he scrubbed the carpet. And, all of this, without me having to ask him for help… He just jumped in to help.
We’d had a lunch date planned for the following day, but that was scratched, due to the little one staying home from school, so we just ordered in and had lunch together at home. It was okay, because we’d planned a whole “Date Day” for Monday, while the kids were at school, since he had the day off… Well, that plan was also scratched, when, not only did our older son get sick at school, so we had to go get him, but we both ended up getting sick as well! Ugh!
So, Monday was a “dance” between whoever felt less sick at any given moment, making lunch, picking up the little one from school, or giving the older one his medicine. I made something quick for dinner and he did the dishes. I helped the kids get bathed, and he got lunch ready for the next day. I kept noticing how we just knew when the other one needed help and just stepped in.
Then, on Thursday, out of nowhere, whatever this bug is hit me hard. I could not move! I was nauseous and weak, and burning up in fever. I sent him a text asking him if he thought he could come home early. He called me right back and, as soon as he heard my voice, he was in the car and on his way home. He put me to bed, checked on me several times, and took care of everything: dinner, baths, preparing lunches, and bedtime routines. And this morning, he took them to school while I slept.
This partnership, this beautiful dance of giving and receiving, wasn’t always present in our marriage. For many years, I was “the martyr” in our relationship – doing everything myself and then complaining that he never offered to help. I just felt I shouldn’t have to ask for help. And I resented him for not “jumping in.” It wasn’t until I began being vulnerable, asking for help, and stopped trying to be “Super Human,” that he began stepping in, helping out, and making me feel like I wasn’t in this alone… because I’m not!
I’m so thankful for my husband… for his love, his strength, and his willingness to take care of me. And I’m so thankful I was finally willing to let down my guard, and create a space in our marriage that allowed him to step in and be my partner!
What about you? Are you struggling with doing everything on your own? If not, what do you do to create partnership in your relationship?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 11, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Hate is easy; love takes courage.
~ Unknown
The other day I read a very racially hateful post on Facebook. I don’t know the person very well (we’re just “cyber-friends”), but the post shocked me because it was so “out of character” with the other posts I see the person write about her family and friends.
Immediately, I found myself wrapped in a blanket of judgment, coupled with anger, and the desire to tell her how “wrong” she is for thinking that way. However, when you have made a commitment to live a life where every breath communicates love, you need to check yourself before saying or doing something that goes against that. So, I decided to sit with the feelings and reflect on where in my life I am also judgmental, where I say or do things that hurt others and where I don’t always lead with love, since I’ve learned that, when something upsets me about someone else, there is usually something about myself that I don’t like or accept that is being reflected back to me.
It’s taken me a couple of days – there was a lot more there (inside me) than I thought there would be. But I’m in a space now where I can communicate with her free of judgment and just tell her about how reading the comments made me feel without “lecturing” or putting her down… Simply coming from a commitment that every human being on the planet knows what it is to experience loving and accepting and being loved and accepted.
So, how does this relate to romantic relationships? How many times, in our relationships, does the other person do or say something with which we don’t agree, and what’s there – almost immediately – is a surge of anger and the feeling that we need to tell or show him/her how “wrong” he/she is? How many times, after a heartbreak betrayal, are we immediately filled with hate for the other person, and then we lash out, making sure he/she feels just as much, if not more, pain that we do?
If we look beneath the anger and hate – both real feelings – we may find that the underlying emotion is pain. And, if we can deal with the pain, get to the root of it, and maybe even find the courage to bring some compassion to it (both for ourselves and the other person), then it’s quite possible that we can speak to the other person from a place of love, rather than one of anger and hate. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s fun. But, if living a life of love is important to us, it’s just something to consider.
What do you do to bring yourself to a place of peace when you are angered, disappointed or upset?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 10, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your EGO.
~ Mrs. Luchini
One of the things that can make the biggest difference in a relationship is being able to apologize when you’ve done something to hurt or disrespect the other person. Too many of the arguments in relationships take place when one or both of the people in the relationship is more committed to being “right” than to being happy. And, in those moments, it’s very likely that one or both will say something that will hurt or disrespect the other.
Being willing to recognize that you’ve been disrespectful or hurtful to the person you love takes both humility and courage. But it also sends the message that your relationship is more important than your need to be “right” or to have “won” the argument. And that message goes a long way toward creating a lifetime of intimacy.
Is there something for which you’ve been avoiding apologizing? Let him/her know that your relationship is what matters most to you!
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 9, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Feeling gratitude and note expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
~ William Arthur Ward
One of the first exercises I give women who I coach is to find 3 reasons to thank their spouse or boyfriend every day for a week. If they are single, then they are to express gratitude at least 3 times per day. Sometimes, particularly with women who are struggling in their marriages, you would think that I was asking them to pull out their own wisdom tooth!
“Three thank-you’s a day? I can’t even think of one!”
To which I answer, “Great! Then create three opportunities per day!” (Insert wicked smile.)
Why do I ask a woman who is experiencing trouble with her husband to thank him? Am I “taking his side” or asking her to ignore the issues they are experiencing? No. I’m simply trying to help her change her focus…To shine the spotlight on what is working…Helping her see the little things that sometimes get clouded out by complaints, unmet expectations, and fear.
Usually, something miraculous happens! At the end of the week, when we have our next session, rather than wanting to spend the time telling me about all of the things he isn’t doing right (or not well enough), she can’t wait to tell me about all of the things she noticed! The “new things” he started doing (some of them aren’t new at all – she just sees them now!), and how she is beginning to see and feel “a shift” in the relationship. All of a sudden, there is hope. And where there is hope, anything is possible!
Gratitude has the power to transform our perception of people, situations, and things. If you bring gratitude to your relationship, you begin to experience that, while, yes, there may still be some things we need to work on, there are also things that are working. And, in the space of appreciation we can begin love and honor one another again, which can serve to inspire us to make the changes we each need to make.
If you’re in a relationship, what are three things for which you grateful to your boyfriend/spouse. If you’re not in a relationship yet, what are 3 things for which you are thankful.
Questions? Comments? We love to hear from you!
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