by heartsdesireintl | Feb 14, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I know that today is a day that most people associate with being in a relationship. I’m not going to lie. I smiled from ear to ear when my husband said, “Happy Valentine’s Day” first right as the clock struck midnight last night! I love loving and being loved by him!
I also know this isn’t the easiest day in the world for women who aren’t in their dream relationship yet or who are going through a rough patch with the man they love. We’ve commercialized a holiday (like we tend to do with all the others), and have lost sight of what today really signifies – A day to celebrate LOVE!
Love comes in as many shapes, sizes, and flavors as the chocolates contained in the heart-shaped boxes that millions of people are giving and receiving today! There is family love; the love shared between friends; the love we extend to humanity, simply because we are all one; and, yes, romantic love. But there’s another type of love that we sometimes forget to recognize, which may be the most important love of all: Self-Love!
Whitney Houston said it best when she said, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all!”
Being able to see ourselves just as we are and just as we are not – with all of our quirks, imperfections, and scars (the ones you see and the deeper ones you can’t) – and bring love, acceptance, and forgiveness to even those parts of us we wish weren’t there, is the access to discovering and experiencing true love. Not a single one of us is perfect. And many of us believe that there are things about ourselves that are unlovable. We worry that if the person we love were to discover “that thing” that we keep hidden and locked away about ourselves, he will almost certainly leave and stop loving us. But the truth is, that it isn’t really the other person who wouldn’t love and accept that part of us. We’re the ones who push others away, too afraid to open up and let love in.
I don’t have to know you personally to know that some of this is probably resonating with you. And, if it is, I invite you to make this Valentine’s Day all about YOU! Make it about loving, accepting, and forgiving yourself. Look within yourself, and make today the day that you experience the beauty and wonder of loving yourself completely!
So, how can you do that? It’s simple. Not always “easy,” but simple.
1. Forgive yourself. All of us have done at least one thing in our lives that we wish we hadn’t. Rather than continuing to rehash and punish yourself for those things, grant yourself forgiveness. You’ve probably already experienced whatever consequence there was to experience. So just think of the situation, let go of the regrets and resentment, and say the words, “I forgive myself for…” Say it aloud, so that you can hear yourself and allow the forgiveness to penetrate your heart.
2. Give yourself permission to be happy. Some of us are so addicted to drama, worry, and suffering that we’ll create situations to stress, argue, and suffer over. Know that you are worthy of happiness. You were created to live in peace and joy. Give yourself permission to laugh and live and love! If you did Step 1 and forgave yourself, you’ll probably find this step a lot easier!
3. Treat yourself. Are there hobbies and activities you enjoy doing, but never make the time? Are there ways you’d like to pamper yourself? Are there treats and gifts you’d love to get and wish someone else would give them to you? Why not make today a day that you treat yourself to life’s pleasures? Get that massage; have the chocolates (the whole box, if you want to!); take a nice, long bath; take yourself out on a date! Do whatever it is that brings you joy, peace, and pleasure. And enjoy every minute of it. You really do deserve it!
For more ideas on how to remove the barriers that are blocking love from your life and experience the magic and wonder of falling in love with YOU, read the book 30 Days and 30 Ways to Fall In Love with You, and begin a 30-day journey that will completely transform the way you experience yourself and your life!
The more you bring love and acceptance to yourself, the easier it becomes to allow love to enter your heart. The more you give yourself permission to experience joy and gratitude, the greater the chances that you will attract more of that into your life. And the better you treat yourself, the more you send the message to yourself and the world: “I am love-able – Able to both love and be loved!”
We wish you a day overflowing with all of the love, happiness, and peace your heart desires!
Remember: You are LOVE-ABLE!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 25, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the most common complaints we hear from single women is that dating is “hard.” Ask a couple what it takes to make a relationship work, and you’ll hear that it takes “hard work.” Whenever we perceive that a task is going to be difficult to achieve, there will automatically be some form of resistance present: procrastination, pessimism, and a lack of energy and vitality.
This is why some single women avoid going out or exploring online dating. It’s easier to stay in the comfort of our homes, where it feels safe and we don’t have to risk feeling disappointed.
It’s also why some couples never make a move toward making the commitment to get married.
And it’s why some couples will endure years of misery – or at the very least, a lack of fulfillment and satisfaction – in their marriages.
When taking the steps toward creating a loving, passionate, lifelong relationship occurs as “hard” and difficult, it just seems easier to settle for (and complain about) the status quo.
But what if dating and relationships didn’t have to be hard? What if they could be fun and fulfilling, instead?
Let’s talk about dating first. One of the main reasons dating can seem scary and difficult for some women is the fact that:
Men got out on dates, and women go out on relationships.
Even before they go on the very first date, many women are already wondering and imagining whether the guy is their “Mr. Right-for-Me.” So much weight is placed on whether or not this date – the first date, by the way – is going to lead to a relationship that the women are rarely ever present on the actual date.
If the date is going well, she’s envisioning meeting his friends and family. If he mentions that he likes kids, she’s imagining their big, happy family. If he says that he’s going skiing on vacation, she’s already imagining the color of the cute ski suit she is going to wear on the trip when he invites her to go (which he hasn’t). If he orders a second glass of wine, she begins to wonder if he has a drinking problem and whether or not she can deal with being married to an alcoholic. And this is just the first date! He hasn’t even brought up going out together again!
So, what are some easy ways to make dating more FUN?
- Be quiet. Rather than filling the space or silent pauses with nervous chatter, focus on him and what he is sharing in the conversation. The only way to know whether you would like to go out with him again is to actually listen to what he’s telling you about himself. Now, you don’t want to sit there like a mime, but do make an effort to listen and learn more about him during the date.
- Be yourself. You don’t have to “wow” him, like you would on an interview or an audition. You already made the first cut when he chose to ask you out. Now it’s his turn to let you see why you might want to choose to go out with him again.
- Be present. The key to making dates fun is to actually be on the date. Pay attention to what you are doing. Notice the sights and sounds around you. Savor and enjoy the food you’re eating. Try to avoid fast-forwarding into the future or rewinding to the past. Just be on the date.
- Be grateful. If a guy is treating you to a great evening and you’re enjoying yourself, by all means, let him know. Don’t think that he’ll expect anything from you in return. The pleasure of your company is more than enough! But do let him know that you enjoyed the food, the music, the art, or whatever it was that you did together. And if things didn’t go as desirably as you had hoped, be grateful anyway and appreciate the effort he made to try to please you.
These are just a few dating tips that will help you begin to really enjoy going out and getting to know different men. We’ll be covering even more tips in the talk we’ll be presenting at HeartCamp titled, “Relationship FUNdamentals,” where you’ll learn what both men and women can do to make dating and relationships more fun! If you’re in the Miami area on February 2nd, you won’t want to miss it!
Remember, each date is an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. Don’t cheat yourself out of having a great time. Even a not-so-perfect-date lasts only a few hours long. You’ll survive! Just do all you can to find the fun in each situation and allow yourself to experience it!
In my next blog post, I’ll be sharing tips for making relationships FUN!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 22, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My Misdiagnosed Psychic Abilities
Some of you may have already been able to tell this from our business photo, but my business partner, Michelle, and I are twin sisters. Over the years, we have shared the uncanny gift shared by many twins (we call it “The Twin Thing”), 
where we can feel what the other is feeling, or at least know when the other one needs us.
We bless each other before a sneeze, show up at places wearing the same or a very similar outfit, and, at times, have even purchased the same gift for one another. And, for me, “the clincher” was when I almost asked my late husband to take me to the Emergency Room because I was experiencing inexplicable abdominal pain, only to learn a few minutes later that my sister was in labor with her first child!
With all of these types of experiences growing up, I think that somewhere along the way I may have made up the story that I was psychic, because, if you asked me, I could tell you exactly what my husband was thinking or feeling and predict how he was going to respond when I told him something!
For years, I wasted countless hours arguing with my husband, trying to get him to tell me why he was upset, telling him I knew something was wrong with him and asking him why he was lying to me or not telling me about it. If he was quiet or sullen, I would sit there, trying to rewind to the past and figure out what it was that I had done or said to make him angry. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere, I wouldn’t even bother telling him about it because I already knew what he was going to say or think about it. Just thinking about all of the time I spent imagining, interpreting, and predicting everything my husband was saying or thinking is mentally exhausting!
Side Effects of Trying to ‘Communicate’
One side effect of my misdiagnosed clairvoyant abilities was trying to get my husband to talk, even when it was clear he didn’t want to. He would tell me nicely, time after time, that he just needed to be alone and that he didn’t want to talk. Because I knew that something was wrong with us, I would keep trying to explain to him that if our marriage was going to work he needed to be honest with me and tell me what was going on. After all, if our relationship was going to work, then we needed to communicate. When the communication card didn’t work, I would try to make him feel guilty for hurting my feelings by not telling me what he was feeling. And, if that didn’t work, I’d just keep nagging… and nagging… and nagging. Eventually, he would blow up, tell me to shut up (or something worse) and I would break down into a sobbing heap, telling him how mean he was (and never once owning the role I played in getting things to that point). This crazy cycle went on for years.
My Road to Recovery
Thankfully, as I began to realize just how controlling I’d been being in my relationship and began making changes within myself, I also began to realize that I wasn’t psychic and that there was no possible way I could know what my husband was thinking or feeling until he told me. I also realized that my husband was not a child. He didn’t need me to help him figure out what he was feeling, like my children sometimes do. I realized that he’s a really capable man who is trusted to problem-solve and make really important decisions for a multi-billion dollar company. He knows how to identify what’s wrong and come up with a solution. He doesn’t need me to do that for him.
So, I began to see that all of the worrying I was doing when he was sad or upset had very little to do with him. It had everything to do with me. I was afraid that something was wrong with us, so I would make it about us. And, because he wasn’t telling me what was going on, I made it mean that he didn’t trust or want to share things with me and that we had bad communication. The truth is, however, that it was his stuff, and he just needed the time and space to sort things out, figure out what to do, get over his upset, and/or just be left alone in his funk. I didn’t have to wrap myself in the funk or make his mood my mood. So, I began trust my husband to work through things on his own.
When he was withdrawn or sullen, I began giving him space. I’d ask him if everything was okay, and if he said it was or that he didn’t want to talk about it, I would just leave him alone for a while. During that time, because my control gears were freaking out, I would call my sister so that I could sort out my own feelings, or I would paint my nails, go for a walk, read a book, knit – basically anything that would keep me busy and focused on me so that he could sort through whatever it was he was going through himself.
What started to happen was amazing. Because I gave my husband the space he needed to think, calm down, or work through his problems, many times, his funky mood would end just as soon as it began. He would maybe get lost in a movie or video game for a while, and then come by and give me a hug or kiss without saying a word! And sometimes, he would apologize for being in a bad mood and, if he felt like it, he’d tell me what it was all about. But even if he didn’t tell me, it was okay, because I had my loving, funny, caring husband back much sooner than when I used to harp, nag, and beg him to tell me what was going on with him!
The Perfect Prescription
If you’re in a relationship and you, too, suffer from misdiagnosed psychic abilities, here are a few tips to help you get on the path to peace of mind (and relationship):
- When your guy is withdrawn, sullen, or unresponsive, let him be. Give him space to sort things out on his own. Don’t try to assume, predict, or interpret his feelings or behaviors. Just let him be.
- Put the focus back on you.If you’re having trouble leaving him alone, it’s probably because all of your energy is going toward trying to figure out what is happening over there. Instead, put the energy back on you by doing something that is relaxing and pleasurable. When all else fails, call a girlfriend!
- Trust that, if there’s something he needs or wants to tell you, he will. Remember that you fell in love with a capable man who, although he chooses to have you in his life, doesn’t need you to solve his problems. And that, if he does want your help, he’ll ask for it.
- Choose peace over control. The fact that he needs alone time does not mean he doesn’t love you. In fact, he may be doing all he can to shield you from his funky mood simply because he does love you. Let go of the need to control him or the situation.
By following these tips you are choosing peace and intimacy over the need to know, pry information out of him, or not honor his request to be left alone. All of these steps will lead to experiencing more peace in your relationship and will create an opportunity for love, tenderness, and intimacy to emerge.
And, in the end, isn’t that what our hearts truly desire?
Learn More
To learn about more way you can stop trying to read his mind and start really connecting with your husband or boyfriend, consider joining us for the Relationship Group Coaching Calls for Girlfriends and Wives!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Jennifer Bradford via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 11, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the scariest parts of dating and being in a relationship is the uncertainty of it all. Opening your heart to someone and letting them in to see who you truly are can be terrifying. Not knowing whether the person you are falling in love or already in love with will reciprocate the feelings you have for him or her is unsettling. This fear and discomfort keeps us from allowing ourselves to be truly vulnerable and authentic with someone else. Because, what if I give all of me – my heart, body, and spirit to this other person, and I only end up getting hurt?
It’s what keeps people from getting out and dating.
It’ what stops people from moving to the next step in a relationship.
It’s what has people stay in a relationship with someone that is not right for them.
It’s what has people look for everything that’s “wrong” or not going to work with the other person, and has them run in the other direction.
And, in a relationship, it’s what keeps someone from acknowledging that the relationship is not working and reaching out for help.
Fear is paralyzing in any area of our lives, but particularly when it comes to love. Why? Because love is an act of faith!
The fact is that there are no guarantees when it comes to love. There is no way to tell whether the person you’re on a first date with is going to be the one with whom you’ll walk down the aisle. There is no way of knowing whether the person you walk down the aisle with is the one with whom you will grow old. And there’s no way of knowing what the years in between will be like ahead of time.
So how does one muster up the courage to put her heart on the line? If love is so uncertain, is it worth it – worth taking the risk of getting hurt?
My answer? Absolutely!
The truth is that if everything was laid out for us and we knew exactly how it would turn out, we’d probably be bored out of our minds. While predictability can give us a sense of security, it also means we don’t have the opportunity to be in a space of wonder or pleasantly surprised and delighted by the one we love. And, if everything were already laid out and predestined, then we’d feel like we had no choice, no ability to choose and create what it is we want to for ourselves and our lives, and no power to turn things around when they aren’t going the way we’d like.
It’s the unpredictable nature of love and being in a romantic relationship that gives us something to hope for, look forward to, and dream about. It’s the fact that we have the power within us to attract, create, and experience the love our hearts desire that makes us feel like we have a say in how things will go when we focus on ourselves and what’s within our realm of control. And it’s all of the moments – the good and the not-so-good, combined – that allows us learn more about ourselves and the person we’re choosing to love so that together we can create our own unique love story – our very own masterpiece!
So, yes, I’d like to tell you that it’s all going to be easy, that everything is going to turn out exactly the way you want it to, and that you won’t ever have to experience another heartbreak or disappointment. I’d like to, but I can’t.
What I can tell you is that every moment of your love journey is a creation, a choice, and a manifestation of what you want and are willing to bring to the relationship. And, that, while scary at times, when you step out in faith and are finally writing your love story and creating your masterpiece with the person you love and are loved by, it’s worth every bump, every heartache, and every tear. The reward is so much bigger than the risk!
Question? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Arianda Bruna via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 4, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week, someone I have known for many years passed away. He was a priest and pastor of the church and school where I taught many years ago. I loved my job and I loved our church and the children with whom I worked as a teacher, youth group leader there, choir member, and sponsor of the Liturgical Dance Ministry. I honestly enjoyed every minute of the time I spent there. The pastor, Fr. Joseph Carney, was kind and supportive of me, and, while he wasn’t always open to change, he was always willing to listen to my latest idea for the youth and dance ministries.
After 3 years of working there as a teacher, I was presented with the opportunity to teach in a brand new public school. The chance to work in a pilot school, a brand new state-of-the-art building, and a very nice salary were too attractive to pass up, and, after already having signed my contract for the following year, I told Fr. Carney that I would be breaking the contract and going to teach at the other school. I explained that the salary was almost double what I’d be making there and that, since my late husband was very sick and unable to work, I felt I needed to make sure I had financial security for us both.
Fr. Carney was so upset. He explained that had bent over backwards to offer me a better salary, and felt as if I didn’t appreciate it. He told me that if I left, I would no longer be able to lead the Youth Group, and I was crushed! That youth group was my favorite part of working there, and I felt like I was being punished for trying to move ahead in my career. I was also very angry at him! Here he was – a priest! Wasn’t he always preaching about love and forgiveness? Wasn’t he the one who had told me that he wanted to help me achieve my professional goals? How could someone that I looked up to, admired, and respected be so hurtful? I felt let down and somewhat deceived by him. And I was downright mad!
I was still involved in the choir and other ministries, and, while I was no longer leader of the youth group, I assisted the new leaders, because my commitment to the teens was greater than my anger at Fr. Carney. But it wasn’t easy to see him or hear him preaching. Part of me wanted to keep making him wrong and tell others about how he had reacted and treated me. But I didn’t. I knew he was the pastor and that what happened was between us. I didn’t want the kids being angry at him, and this was my parish. I wanted to continue serving and growing there.
Later that year, I went to a retreat at the Church, and, there was time set aside for meditation and confession for those who wanted to participate. I stepped into the face-to-face confessional, and, low and behold, who should happen to be a sitting across from me? I wanted to turn around and walk out, but I didn’t. I had just been praying and I was in a peaceful space. I felt it was time to bring peace to this relationship, too.
After my confession, I asked Fr. Carney if I could speak with him, and he agreed. I asked if he could please forgive me for not having honored my word and breaking the contract. I told him I’d been hurt and angry at him for the way he had responded, and that I didn’t want to be angry any more. I just wanted us to be “okay” again.
We both teared up as he told me that he had acted in anger because he felt like his daughter was leaving home with no explanation. In that moment, I got just how human he was. I’d built him up and held him to a different standard because he was a priest. In my mind, he should have acted differently. I hadn’t stopped to think that he was reacting like most people would have. I told him I loved him and and he said he loved me too and asked me to forgive him, and I did.
Fr. Carney passed away Wednesday morning, and, while I hadn’t seen him in several years, I am so thankful to God that we had that conversation when we did. It would have been so easy for either one of us to stay angry or pretend like nothing had happened. Instead, we were both courageous and humble enough to admit we were wrong and ask one another for forgiveness. And now I can remember him and celebrate his life without any regrets over having left my apology or my forgiveness left unspoken.
How many times, in our relationships, do we hold on to resentment and anger, allowing time to go by and cheating ourselves out of having a relationship with someone who simply made a mistake?
How many times do we hold people that we love to a higher standard and expect more from them than we probably should?
How many times do we leave words of love and forgiveness unspoken, without knowing how much time we have before that person is gone and we’ll no longer have the chance to say, “I forgive you. Please, forgive me”?
If you are holding on to any resentment toward someone, I invite you to give both them and yourself the gift of forgiveness. It’s not always the easiest thing to accept someone’s mistake. Forgiving them does not mean that you agree with or condone what they did. It only means that you are releasing yourself from the anger and pain and, perhaps, releasing them from feeling guilty over something that’s already happened and is in the past.
No, accepting someone’s humanity and granting him or her forgiveness is not always easy. It takes something – courage, humility, and vulnerability – to see beyond the error to the heart of the person. However, forgiveness is not only a gift for the receiver. It’s a gift you give yourself, as well.
For, once you’ve released yourself from the anger, resentment, and grudges, there is love, freedom, and peace waiting for you on the other side!
May you rest in peace, Fr. Carney. And thank you for your many years of loving service to our Lord, to your parishioners, and all of the children who came to know God because of and through you! I love, will miss, and will never forget you!
If you have someone in your life with whom you’d like to have a conversation, but you’re afraid or don’t know how to begin, I’d like to invite you to visit my friend, Ingrid Lucia’s website, Unspoken Pebbles. The Unspoken Pebbles were created so that people can share conversations that have been left unspoken. Many times, the right words are all that is needed, and the words written on these simple pebbles and the small book of conversation starters open up an opportunity to say the things that have been left unsaid. These Unspoken Pebbles create moments that can be used to share the words that are in our hearts and serve to remind us that the only moment we ever really have is this moment, right now.
Comments? Questions? Please leave them below! We love hearing from you!
Sky photo credit: ed_needs-a-bicycle via photopin.com cc
Unspoken Pebbles photo courtesy of UnspokenPebbles.net
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 21, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
How to Make this Holiday Season One of Peace, Joy, and Love
by Gladys Diaz
There is perhaps no other month in the year where people spend more time with family than they do in December. Family gatherings, celebrations, and reunions tend to revolve around the holidays celebrated during this month. While all of us love the idea of being surrounded by family and loved ones, the reality of the holidays isn’t always “picture perfect.”
The truth is that being with our family brings up our “stuff.” You know – reminders of things that happened in our childhood that we wish hadn’t, spending time with people who tend to trigger us in not-so-nice ways, and the experience of being an adult child, which can sometimes be a strange dynamic when we’re around our elders. And, if you’re in a relationship, you can go ahead and double the anxiety, discomfort, and emotions!
One of the things I hear most about from my clients when it comes to the holidays is about their anxiety around spending time with their in-laws. I often hear how “his family” behaves, acts, and treats others. And, unfortunately, what they share is not always about how loving, merry, and jolly the holiday experiences are with their in-laws.
This time of year can also bring about arguments regarding with whose family the holidays will be spent. For a lot of people, being with family means having to travel out of town. This means that they may only be spending the holidays with one their families, which brings up the question: Whose family?
Whether the tension in your relationship is caused by how either of you gets along with your own family or your partner’s family, or having to choose which family to spend the holidays with, there are few things you’ll want to bring with you to your family gatherings in order to make this season a happy and peaceful one for you and those you love.
The Gift of Generosity.
If your partner wants to spend time with his family, regardless of how you feel about them, make an effort to plan some time with them. The holiday season is only a few weeks long, and it will not kill you to allow him to spend some time with the people who, not only love him, but also played a big part in making him the man with whom you fell in love!
The Gift of Forgiveness.
Maybe you and his family – or someone in your own family – have had a falling out. Perhaps things were said or done that have made it difficult for you to want to spend time with them. Maybe it’s time to let go of the anger and resentment and give yourself and them the gift of forgiveness. This doesn’t mean you pretend that nothing happened. It just means that you are releasing yourself from the weight you’ve been carrying around and that you’re creating a space where something new is possible.
The Gift of YOU!
One of the reasons people sometimes do not get along with others is because they are not willing to be vulnerable. However, it’s only when we are vulnerable that people are able to see who we really are and are then able to connect with us. If you’ve been distancing yourself from his family or yours because you’re afraid that they won’t like or accept you, consider bringing YOU to the party this year. Open up a space where you can really connect with at least one person in the family and allow them to see the loving, generous, fun person you are!
The holidays can be a time of happiness and togetherness. Regardless of what has happened in the past, if you would like to experience more closeness your families, consider bringing the gifts of Generosity, Forgiveness, and Vulnerability to your family get-togethers. Because, the truth is that, once you get married, it really stops being about “your family” and “my family,” and it becomes “our family.” So, go ahead! Give yourself and your honey the gift of a loving, happy, and peaceful holiday season!
Wishing you a season of love, joy, peace, and the fulfillment of every single one of your heart’s desires!
Image courtesy of Marcus via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
