by heartsdesireintl | Apr 12, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Yesterday I received this beautiful quote about marriage in my inbox and just had to create a picture quote for it! It really captures the essence of a marriage and what it takes to make it work!
Too many times, I work with women who, when I ask them what they would like to see happen in their relationships or marriages, will respond with everything their boyfriend or husband is not doing, or not doing well enough.
For example, the other day I was speaking with a woman who was fed up with her husband. She felt that he wasn’t playing his part in the marriage– he wasn’t helping to take care of the home or children, he wasn’t managing the finances, he wasn’t making any of the important (and not-so-important) decisions, and he wasn’t doing anything to try to help save their marriage. This left her feeling angry, disappointed, and frustrated. It also led her to nag, complain, and tell her husband repeatedly what he should be doing differently, only to have him withdraw even further.
Is this resonating with anyone out there?
I could hear her frustration and sadness, and I also heard how the entire conversation was focused on what she felt he should be doing. Those unmet expectations were causing her to feel the anger and resentment that were spilling over into every conversation and contact she and her husband had.
See, as long as we are focused on what the other person in the relationship is or isn’t doing, we are not looking at the role we’re playing in creating the dynamic we have. As long as I’m focused on what my husband is doing, what he’s not doing, or what he’s not doing well enough, I don’t have to look over here – at me – which is thing I can really control.
So, what can we do to ensure that we are giving our own 100% in the relationship?
1. Focus on yourself. Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to be changed can be like trying to tell the wind to stop blowing. No matter how much you try, beg, or plead, it’s not going to happen! Rather than focusing all of your time, energy, and attention on trying to make him better, look to see where you might better place your focus. Perhaps you can choose to focus more on gratitude than complaining? Perhaps it’s not what you’re saying to him but the way you’re saying it that is causing the opposite of what you want to show up. Perhaps it’s simply choosing to let go of trying to make him want do something, and just say that you need help and allow him to respond. By focusing on your own actions, reactions, and words, you are more likely to shift the dynamic in the relationship.
2. Change your perspective. One of my favorite sayings is “Energy flows where attention goes.” What we choose to focus on becomes stronger and what we resist persists. So, rather than focusing on everything he’s not doing or not doing well enough, focus on the things he is doing, and express gratitude. Even if all you do is acknowledge the effort the energy you are sending is now a positive one of gratitude, rather than the negative one of complaining. Chances are that he’ll notice the appreciation and that will motivate him to want to continue doing things that make you smile, rather than scowl. So change your perspective and look for those behaviors and actions you’d like to see more of!
3. Be open to different possibilities. Chances are that you and guy are not always going to see eye-to-eye. A relationship is made up of two individuals, each with his/her own ideas, preferences, and ways of doing things. Many times, having rigid expectations and only allowing for the possibility of things turning out my way and not allowing for there to be other possible ways can cause frustration, as well. Creating a partnership is about allowing for each individual to contribute of him-/herself. So, check to see if you’ve been having a “my-way-or-the-highway” attitude, and begin to open up to the possibility that there are other routes to your desired destination. You may find yourself being pleasantly surprised!
As the quote above says, when we focus on giving our own 100% to the relationship, then we won’t spend time looking to see what the other person is or is not doing in the relationship. We’ll have our attention focused on the side of the relationship we can control: ourselves. And, in doing that, not only do we allow our partner to do the same, but we can rest assured knowing that we’re doing everything in our power to make our relationship complete.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 18, 2013 | Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
Are you ready to have an affair with the man you love? Then watch this video of the interview that Luly B. of LulyB.com and New Era Moms and I did last week! We talked about practical things you can do every day to help make your relationship a passionate, intimate union that lasts for a lifetime!
Just click on the image below to see the interview!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiaCVGngAOY
Helpful links related to video:
LulyB.com
New Era Moms
Book: 30 Days & 30 Ways to Fall in Love with You
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 14, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I know that today is a day that most people associate with being in a relationship. I’m not going to lie. I smiled from ear to ear when my husband said, “Happy Valentine’s Day” first right as the clock struck midnight last night! I love loving and being loved by him!
I also know this isn’t the easiest day in the world for women who aren’t in their dream relationship yet or who are going through a rough patch with the man they love. We’ve commercialized a holiday (like we tend to do with all the others), and have lost sight of what today really signifies – A day to celebrate LOVE!
Love comes in as many shapes, sizes, and flavors as the chocolates contained in the heart-shaped boxes that millions of people are giving and receiving today! There is family love; the love shared between friends; the love we extend to humanity, simply because we are all one; and, yes, romantic love. But there’s another type of love that we sometimes forget to recognize, which may be the most important love of all: Self-Love!
Whitney Houston said it best when she said, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all!”
Being able to see ourselves just as we are and just as we are not – with all of our quirks, imperfections, and scars (the ones you see and the deeper ones you can’t) – and bring love, acceptance, and forgiveness to even those parts of us we wish weren’t there, is the access to discovering and experiencing true love. Not a single one of us is perfect. And many of us believe that there are things about ourselves that are unlovable. We worry that if the person we love were to discover “that thing” that we keep hidden and locked away about ourselves, he will almost certainly leave and stop loving us. But the truth is, that it isn’t really the other person who wouldn’t love and accept that part of us. We’re the ones who push others away, too afraid to open up and let love in.
I don’t have to know you personally to know that some of this is probably resonating with you. And, if it is, I invite you to make this Valentine’s Day all about YOU! Make it about loving, accepting, and forgiving yourself. Look within yourself, and make today the day that you experience the beauty and wonder of loving yourself completely!
So, how can you do that? It’s simple. Not always “easy,” but simple.
1. Forgive yourself. All of us have done at least one thing in our lives that we wish we hadn’t. Rather than continuing to rehash and punish yourself for those things, grant yourself forgiveness. You’ve probably already experienced whatever consequence there was to experience. So just think of the situation, let go of the regrets and resentment, and say the words, “I forgive myself for…” Say it aloud, so that you can hear yourself and allow the forgiveness to penetrate your heart.
2. Give yourself permission to be happy. Some of us are so addicted to drama, worry, and suffering that we’ll create situations to stress, argue, and suffer over. Know that you are worthy of happiness. You were created to live in peace and joy. Give yourself permission to laugh and live and love! If you did Step 1 and forgave yourself, you’ll probably find this step a lot easier!
3. Treat yourself. Are there hobbies and activities you enjoy doing, but never make the time? Are there ways you’d like to pamper yourself? Are there treats and gifts you’d love to get and wish someone else would give them to you? Why not make today a day that you treat yourself to life’s pleasures? Get that massage; have the chocolates (the whole box, if you want to!); take a nice, long bath; take yourself out on a date! Do whatever it is that brings you joy, peace, and pleasure. And enjoy every minute of it. You really do deserve it!
For more ideas on how to remove the barriers that are blocking love from your life and experience the magic and wonder of falling in love with YOU, read the book 30 Days and 30 Ways to Fall In Love with You, and begin a 30-day journey that will completely transform the way you experience yourself and your life!
The more you bring love and acceptance to yourself, the easier it becomes to allow love to enter your heart. The more you give yourself permission to experience joy and gratitude, the greater the chances that you will attract more of that into your life. And the better you treat yourself, the more you send the message to yourself and the world: “I am love-able – Able to both love and be loved!”
We wish you a day overflowing with all of the love, happiness, and peace your heart desires!
Remember: You are LOVE-ABLE!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 25, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the most common complaints we hear from single women is that dating is “hard.” Ask a couple what it takes to make a relationship work, and you’ll hear that it takes “hard work.” Whenever we perceive that a task is going to be difficult to achieve, there will automatically be some form of resistance present: procrastination, pessimism, and a lack of energy and vitality.
This is why some single women avoid going out or exploring online dating. It’s easier to stay in the comfort of our homes, where it feels safe and we don’t have to risk feeling disappointed.
It’s also why some couples never make a move toward making the commitment to get married.
And it’s why some couples will endure years of misery – or at the very least, a lack of fulfillment and satisfaction – in their marriages.
When taking the steps toward creating a loving, passionate, lifelong relationship occurs as “hard” and difficult, it just seems easier to settle for (and complain about) the status quo.
But what if dating and relationships didn’t have to be hard? What if they could be fun and fulfilling, instead?
Let’s talk about dating first. One of the main reasons dating can seem scary and difficult for some women is the fact that:
Men got out on dates, and women go out on relationships.
Even before they go on the very first date, many women are already wondering and imagining whether the guy is their “Mr. Right-for-Me.” So much weight is placed on whether or not this date – the first date, by the way – is going to lead to a relationship that the women are rarely ever present on the actual date.
If the date is going well, she’s envisioning meeting his friends and family. If he mentions that he likes kids, she’s imagining their big, happy family. If he says that he’s going skiing on vacation, she’s already imagining the color of the cute ski suit she is going to wear on the trip when he invites her to go (which he hasn’t). If he orders a second glass of wine, she begins to wonder if he has a drinking problem and whether or not she can deal with being married to an alcoholic. And this is just the first date! He hasn’t even brought up going out together again!
So, what are some easy ways to make dating more FUN?
- Be quiet. Rather than filling the space or silent pauses with nervous chatter, focus on him and what he is sharing in the conversation. The only way to know whether you would like to go out with him again is to actually listen to what he’s telling you about himself. Now, you don’t want to sit there like a mime, but do make an effort to listen and learn more about him during the date.
- Be yourself. You don’t have to “wow” him, like you would on an interview or an audition. You already made the first cut when he chose to ask you out. Now it’s his turn to let you see why you might want to choose to go out with him again.
- Be present. The key to making dates fun is to actually be on the date. Pay attention to what you are doing. Notice the sights and sounds around you. Savor and enjoy the food you’re eating. Try to avoid fast-forwarding into the future or rewinding to the past. Just be on the date.
- Be grateful. If a guy is treating you to a great evening and you’re enjoying yourself, by all means, let him know. Don’t think that he’ll expect anything from you in return. The pleasure of your company is more than enough! But do let him know that you enjoyed the food, the music, the art, or whatever it was that you did together. And if things didn’t go as desirably as you had hoped, be grateful anyway and appreciate the effort he made to try to please you.
These are just a few dating tips that will help you begin to really enjoy going out and getting to know different men. We’ll be covering even more tips in the talk we’ll be presenting at HeartCamp titled, “Relationship FUNdamentals,” where you’ll learn what both men and women can do to make dating and relationships more fun! If you’re in the Miami area on February 2nd, you won’t want to miss it!
Remember, each date is an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. Don’t cheat yourself out of having a great time. Even a not-so-perfect-date lasts only a few hours long. You’ll survive! Just do all you can to find the fun in each situation and allow yourself to experience it!
In my next blog post, I’ll be sharing tips for making relationships FUN!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 22, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My Misdiagnosed Psychic Abilities
Some of you may have already been able to tell this from our business photo, but my business partner, Michelle, and I are twin sisters. Over the years, we have shared the uncanny gift shared by many twins (we call it “The Twin Thing”), 
where we can feel what the other is feeling, or at least know when the other one needs us.
We bless each other before a sneeze, show up at places wearing the same or a very similar outfit, and, at times, have even purchased the same gift for one another. And, for me, “the clincher” was when I almost asked my late husband to take me to the Emergency Room because I was experiencing inexplicable abdominal pain, only to learn a few minutes later that my sister was in labor with her first child!
With all of these types of experiences growing up, I think that somewhere along the way I may have made up the story that I was psychic, because, if you asked me, I could tell you exactly what my husband was thinking or feeling and predict how he was going to respond when I told him something!
For years, I wasted countless hours arguing with my husband, trying to get him to tell me why he was upset, telling him I knew something was wrong with him and asking him why he was lying to me or not telling me about it. If he was quiet or sullen, I would sit there, trying to rewind to the past and figure out what it was that I had done or said to make him angry. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere, I wouldn’t even bother telling him about it because I already knew what he was going to say or think about it. Just thinking about all of the time I spent imagining, interpreting, and predicting everything my husband was saying or thinking is mentally exhausting!
Side Effects of Trying to ‘Communicate’
One side effect of my misdiagnosed clairvoyant abilities was trying to get my husband to talk, even when it was clear he didn’t want to. He would tell me nicely, time after time, that he just needed to be alone and that he didn’t want to talk. Because I knew that something was wrong with us, I would keep trying to explain to him that if our marriage was going to work he needed to be honest with me and tell me what was going on. After all, if our relationship was going to work, then we needed to communicate. When the communication card didn’t work, I would try to make him feel guilty for hurting my feelings by not telling me what he was feeling. And, if that didn’t work, I’d just keep nagging… and nagging… and nagging. Eventually, he would blow up, tell me to shut up (or something worse) and I would break down into a sobbing heap, telling him how mean he was (and never once owning the role I played in getting things to that point). This crazy cycle went on for years.
My Road to Recovery
Thankfully, as I began to realize just how controlling I’d been being in my relationship and began making changes within myself, I also began to realize that I wasn’t psychic and that there was no possible way I could know what my husband was thinking or feeling until he told me. I also realized that my husband was not a child. He didn’t need me to help him figure out what he was feeling, like my children sometimes do. I realized that he’s a really capable man who is trusted to problem-solve and make really important decisions for a multi-billion dollar company. He knows how to identify what’s wrong and come up with a solution. He doesn’t need me to do that for him.
So, I began to see that all of the worrying I was doing when he was sad or upset had very little to do with him. It had everything to do with me. I was afraid that something was wrong with us, so I would make it about us. And, because he wasn’t telling me what was going on, I made it mean that he didn’t trust or want to share things with me and that we had bad communication. The truth is, however, that it was his stuff, and he just needed the time and space to sort things out, figure out what to do, get over his upset, and/or just be left alone in his funk. I didn’t have to wrap myself in the funk or make his mood my mood. So, I began trust my husband to work through things on his own.
When he was withdrawn or sullen, I began giving him space. I’d ask him if everything was okay, and if he said it was or that he didn’t want to talk about it, I would just leave him alone for a while. During that time, because my control gears were freaking out, I would call my sister so that I could sort out my own feelings, or I would paint my nails, go for a walk, read a book, knit – basically anything that would keep me busy and focused on me so that he could sort through whatever it was he was going through himself.
What started to happen was amazing. Because I gave my husband the space he needed to think, calm down, or work through his problems, many times, his funky mood would end just as soon as it began. He would maybe get lost in a movie or video game for a while, and then come by and give me a hug or kiss without saying a word! And sometimes, he would apologize for being in a bad mood and, if he felt like it, he’d tell me what it was all about. But even if he didn’t tell me, it was okay, because I had my loving, funny, caring husband back much sooner than when I used to harp, nag, and beg him to tell me what was going on with him!
The Perfect Prescription
If you’re in a relationship and you, too, suffer from misdiagnosed psychic abilities, here are a few tips to help you get on the path to peace of mind (and relationship):
- When your guy is withdrawn, sullen, or unresponsive, let him be. Give him space to sort things out on his own. Don’t try to assume, predict, or interpret his feelings or behaviors. Just let him be.
- Put the focus back on you.If you’re having trouble leaving him alone, it’s probably because all of your energy is going toward trying to figure out what is happening over there. Instead, put the energy back on you by doing something that is relaxing and pleasurable. When all else fails, call a girlfriend!
- Trust that, if there’s something he needs or wants to tell you, he will. Remember that you fell in love with a capable man who, although he chooses to have you in his life, doesn’t need you to solve his problems. And that, if he does want your help, he’ll ask for it.
- Choose peace over control. The fact that he needs alone time does not mean he doesn’t love you. In fact, he may be doing all he can to shield you from his funky mood simply because he does love you. Let go of the need to control him or the situation.
By following these tips you are choosing peace and intimacy over the need to know, pry information out of him, or not honor his request to be left alone. All of these steps will lead to experiencing more peace in your relationship and will create an opportunity for love, tenderness, and intimacy to emerge.
And, in the end, isn’t that what our hearts truly desire?
Learn More
To learn about more way you can stop trying to read his mind and start really connecting with your husband or boyfriend, consider joining us for the Relationship Group Coaching Calls for Girlfriends and Wives!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Jennifer Bradford via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 11, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the scariest parts of dating and being in a relationship is the uncertainty of it all. Opening your heart to someone and letting them in to see who you truly are can be terrifying. Not knowing whether the person you are falling in love or already in love with will reciprocate the feelings you have for him or her is unsettling. This fear and discomfort keeps us from allowing ourselves to be truly vulnerable and authentic with someone else. Because, what if I give all of me – my heart, body, and spirit to this other person, and I only end up getting hurt?
It’s what keeps people from getting out and dating.
It’ what stops people from moving to the next step in a relationship.
It’s what has people stay in a relationship with someone that is not right for them.
It’s what has people look for everything that’s “wrong” or not going to work with the other person, and has them run in the other direction.
And, in a relationship, it’s what keeps someone from acknowledging that the relationship is not working and reaching out for help.
Fear is paralyzing in any area of our lives, but particularly when it comes to love. Why? Because love is an act of faith!
The fact is that there are no guarantees when it comes to love. There is no way to tell whether the person you’re on a first date with is going to be the one with whom you’ll walk down the aisle. There is no way of knowing whether the person you walk down the aisle with is the one with whom you will grow old. And there’s no way of knowing what the years in between will be like ahead of time.
So how does one muster up the courage to put her heart on the line? If love is so uncertain, is it worth it – worth taking the risk of getting hurt?
My answer? Absolutely!
The truth is that if everything was laid out for us and we knew exactly how it would turn out, we’d probably be bored out of our minds. While predictability can give us a sense of security, it also means we don’t have the opportunity to be in a space of wonder or pleasantly surprised and delighted by the one we love. And, if everything were already laid out and predestined, then we’d feel like we had no choice, no ability to choose and create what it is we want to for ourselves and our lives, and no power to turn things around when they aren’t going the way we’d like.
It’s the unpredictable nature of love and being in a romantic relationship that gives us something to hope for, look forward to, and dream about. It’s the fact that we have the power within us to attract, create, and experience the love our hearts desire that makes us feel like we have a say in how things will go when we focus on ourselves and what’s within our realm of control. And it’s all of the moments – the good and the not-so-good, combined – that allows us learn more about ourselves and the person we’re choosing to love so that together we can create our own unique love story – our very own masterpiece!
So, yes, I’d like to tell you that it’s all going to be easy, that everything is going to turn out exactly the way you want it to, and that you won’t ever have to experience another heartbreak or disappointment. I’d like to, but I can’t.
What I can tell you is that every moment of your love journey is a creation, a choice, and a manifestation of what you want and are willing to bring to the relationship. And, that, while scary at times, when you step out in faith and are finally writing your love story and creating your masterpiece with the person you love and are loved by, it’s worth every bump, every heartache, and every tear. The reward is so much bigger than the risk!
Question? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Arianda Bruna via photopin.com cc
