by heartsdesireintl | Aug 30, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
“If don’t ask me to marry you, then we need to break up.”
“If we don’t go to counseling, it’s over.”
“If you really loved me, you would…”
Ultimatums.
They give the person extending them a false sense of power. Why is it a false sense of power? Well, think about it. When you tell someone what he needs to do or say in order for you to be happy and have what you want, are you really the one with the power?
No.
You’ve basically handed over the power to have what you want to another person. You’ve made your happiness contingent upon the other person’s choice.
Think of it this way. Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a long time and, while it’s all nice, the relationship clearly not going anywhere. If you know that in order for you to be happy, you want to be in a committed relationship that ultimately leads to marriage, then you are the one with a choice to make. Not him. Now, you can definitely let him know that you would like to be married, but you wouldn’t tell him that if he wants to stay with you, he needs to want the same thing.
You’d simply say something like, “I’d really like to be married” – not “I’d really like to marry you” or “If you want to stay together, then I need to know that our relationship is leading to marriage.”
The last two statements make your choice hinge upon what he wants. Plus, if he did propose to you because you threatened to leave him, you’d never really know whether he would have chosen to ask you himself. Not because he was afraid of losing you, but because he couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without you!
In saying, “I’d like to be married,” you are owning your choice and your happiness. The word “you” (meaning him) is not even in that statement, because this is your desire.
The same holds true if you’re in a relationship or marriage. Telling your boyfriend or husband what he needs to do in order for you to be happy is manipulative and inauthentic. It’s a way to separate yourself from your own desires so that you don’t have to be vulnerable and share what you want for yourself.
Saying “We need to go to counseling, or it’s over” rather than “I’d like to go to counseling” is more about instilling fear in the other person. It also sends the message that, unless the other person does something to “fix” or change himself, the relationship simply won’t work. This message of “you need to change or be ‘fixed’” is what has most men resist the idea in the first place. Who the heck wants to go sit in an office with a stranger for an hour and listen to all of the things they’re doing wrong?
Saying “We need to go to counseling” also keeps you from committing to make the changes you can make that would make a difference in the relationship, because you’re hinging your willingness to change on his.
So, rather than throwing around ultimatums and giving away your power, own you power.
Look within and ask yourself what it is that you want. What is it that would make you happy? What have you been settling for and not willing to stand for? Where have you been making another person responsible for your own happiness?
Once you’ve identified those things, then create a simple statement that expresses what you want. Begin it with “I want…,” and make sure the words “you,” “we,” and “us” are nowhere in your statement.
Simply own your desire and embrace the power you have to create what you want in your life and in love!
If you’re ready to own your power and begin working with me to transform your dating life or relationship, simply fill out the new message form that popped up on this page and let’s set up some time time to talk!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 27, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I was speaking with a potential client the other day, and received one of the nicest compliments! Toward the end of the conversation, I asked her what she liked about the information I’d shared with her about how to break some of the recurring patterns that were blocking her from experiencing the type of relationship her heart truly desires. Expecting her response to be about one of the ideas I’d shared, I was pleasantly surprised when she said, “You have a very ladylike manner about you. I’d like to work with you!”
Now, if you’re a self-proclaimed feminists and wondering what the heck the big deal about being called “ladylike” is, let me explain. What I heard was that she was sensing my feminine nature – the essence of who I am as a woman that is light, receptive, and attractive.
Now, why was hearing that important to me, and how might it make a difference for you in dating and relationships?
For years, I leaned very heavily into my masculine energy. I felt that life’s experiences had taught me that I needed to take care of myself. I had a very “me-against-the-world” mentality. This attitude made me very successful in many areas of my life, such as living on my own at the age of 17 and being the first to graduate from college (with honors) in my family, being appointed a leader in almost every organization I have ever belonged to, and becoming the youngest Vice-President in the company in which I used to work (tack on the words “female” and “Latina” to that title, and it was an even bigger deal for me), and dealing with the death of my first husband. In my mind, life was about proving that I could do it all – on my own.
While it was great for my career and getting over life’s hurdles, when it came to being in a relationship, this do-it-yourself mentality was sabotaging me from having the type of experience I really wanted.
See, I had become so used to taking care of myself, that it was difficult to receive help or support from others without feeling like I was being “a burden” or that I owed them something in return. I rarely allowed my husband to make decisions – partly because I was so used to making them myself, but mostly because I didn’t trust anyone else to make the “right decisions.” Even the times when I would go to my husband for help or support, I’d end up either dismissing or contradicting what he said, making him feel as if there was nothing he could do to contribute to me, because I had it all handled myself.
It wasn’t until I began understanding how important it is for a man to feel like he is able to contribute, take care of, and please a woman that I began to see how I was blocking myself from receiving my husband’s love and attention. It took a while for me to understand that, while I was still capable of caring for myself, making decisions, and handling life’s curve balls, now that I was in a relationship, I didn’t have to do it all on my own. I had a partner who was ready, willing, and able to stand next to, help, and support me.
This is when I began to embrace and step into my feminine power.
I began to see that, while I might still have to face some giants in this world, I didn’t have to face them alone. I began to experience the delight of not having to carry the weight of every single decision on my shoulders. And I began to see how the more receptive I was, the more my husband wanted to give and do for me. For the first time in my life, I saw receiving as a gift I was giving myself and the person who was choosing to give to me.
So, whether you are single or in a relationship, I invite you to really begin receiving compliments, offers of assistance, and gifts. If a man wants to hold open the door for you, give you his jacket because he noticed you shivered, or pay for dinner, let him. Give yourself the gift of receiving and let him know you noticed and appreciated the gesture.
If your husband offers to order take-out or make the kids sandwiches so that you don’t have to cook; wants to go on vacation, even though you think saving money would be more practical; or offers to wash the dishes (even if he does them 2 hours after you would have liked them washed), let him. Give yourself the gift of receiving and him the gift of knowing that you’re willing to let him help and care for you.
Being feminine is our natural state of being, And men who are attracted to and want to be in relationship with women are attracted to our feminine essence. So let go of the need to appear as if you’ve got it all handled, and allow yourself to experience the gift of receiving.
The more receptive you are, the more you’ll receive the things your heart most desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 23, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This morning I was reading a daily meditation book, and the thought for the day was around the power that our words have to either build people up or tear them down. It’s easy to forget just how powerful our thoughts and words are and how they can impact our relationships.
Many times, when we are unhappy, disappointed, or scared, we feel the need to say exactly what is on our minds. And sharing your feelings is healthy. When you’re dating or in a relationship with someone, you want to be able to share what’s on your heart and mind.
The issue, however, is not really around whether or not you should say what’s on your mind. It’s more about how you choose to say it! See, many times, when we think we’re sharing our “feelings,” what we’re really doing is complaining and blaming – which can also be translated as nagging and criticizing – neither of which is encouraging or inspiring!
When you repeatedly tell the man you are dating or in a relationship with what you think he is doing wrong, how that makes you feel, and what he needs to differently, it can be difficult for him to actually hear what you’re feeling or what you want. All he hears is what a disappointment he is. And, since men see themselves through the eyes of the women they love, the message that comes through loud and clear is that he’s not capable of pleasing you, which, by the way, is at the top of a good man’s list! This can cause him to want to stop trying.
So, what can you do to say what how you are feeling without tearing him down?
Vent with someone else before you share how you feel.
It can be difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling hurt. Sometimes, it feels like there’s an immediate trigger that goes off! Holding in or ignoring your feelings is not a good idea, but neither is saying or doing something you’re most likely going to regret. Instead of going off on him in a moment of rage, call someone you trust and who you know will listen without judging or gossiping, and share your feelings with her. After letting everything out, you may find that you’re able to think and express what you’re feeling more clearly and without resorting to blaming or making him wrong.
Focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did.
Leading with how you’re feeling, rather than with trying to blame or make him feel guilty will make it more likely that he’ll be able to hear how you are feeling, rather than feel the need to defend his actions.
So, instead of saying something like, “You always put your job and other people before me! I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter!” you could say, “I miss spending time with you.”
Rather than saying, “I feel so angry when you forget to call me during the day,” you could say, “I really like when you take the time to call me during the day. It makes me smile to know that you’re thinking about me.”
Expressing yourself this way takes a lot more vulnerability than striking in anger, which can feel scary. But, again, it’s a lot more likely that he’ll be able to actually hear what you are saying when he’s not feeling like he needs to defend himself.
Let go of any expectations regarding how he’ll respond.
Sometimes we hold back on sharing our feelings and desires because we think we already know how he’s going to respond and we’re afraid of what his reaction will be. Again, ignoring your feelings is not healthy, and it should feel safe to share what you’re feeling with the man you love. So, once you’ve processed your feelings with someone else and you are able to express them clearly and purely – without blame – let go of any expectations regarding how he will or should respond. How or whether he chooses to respond is out of your control, but how and what you choose to say isn’t. If you choose to follow the steps above, it’s likely that the response is more likely to be tender and understanding when he can see that he’s not being “punished” or attacked.
Sharing and expressing our feelings is an important part of being in a relationship, and when we can do that without casting blame, shame, or guilt on our partner, we’re on the path to making that relationship the loving, peaceful, intimate partnership our hearts truly desire!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 21, 2013 | Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend served as one of those filled with a bunch of teachable moments about what it takes to make relationships work. Call it hormones, sadness at seeing how quickly the summer came and went, or simply not choosing to be aware enough to make conscious choices, but I messed up. And it cost me.
See, one of the lynch pins that holds a relationship together is respect. For men, knowing that they are respected and appreciated by the woman they love is one of the most important things. Whether you choose to believe it or not, the man you love sees himself through your eyes. This is why when we criticize, complain, contradict, or correct them, the response we get is usually less than desirable. They don’t like seeing themselves as incompetent, incapable, or inadequate when they look into our eyes.
So, when I chose to respond to my husband with sarcasm, corrected the way he was driving, and then complained about not having help while cleaning the house, his response was not that of the tender, loving hero I’m used to. But, I wasn’t being the loving, respectful goddess he’s used to, either.
Choosing to be right about how to take a turn so that the fries wouldn’t spill all over the backseat sent the message that I didn’t think he knew how to drive and that he purposefully caused the fries to spill (really?). And making little comments under my breath (and not-so-under-my-breath) about how I was the only one cleaning the house did not inspire him or my two boys to gallantly offer to help me the way they usually do when I simply say, “I need help.”
Instead, these little digs led to an argument, which led to that uncomfortable and uneasy silence that I hate, and to wasting several precious hours that we could have spent just having fun together as a family on the last day of summer, which was what I really wanted.
At first, I was hurt and wanted to feel sorry for myself because of how angrily my husband had spoken to me. It’s always so much easier to see what the other person should and could have done differently. I wanted to stay angry. I wanted to be right.
However, once I got really clear about how my choice of words and my unwillingness to ask for help were costing me intimacy, I also got really clear that being right just wasn’t worth it to me. I’d much rather be happy than be right!
I also saw where I was responsible for the way things turned out. In this case, the culprits were my own ego and pride – not wanting to be vulnerable enough to ask for help, and choosing, instead, to make everyone around me wrong for not offering to help!
Putting pride first is not vulnerable, and without vulnerability, there simply is no possibility for intimacy.
Once I was willing to see this, I was also able to see all of the things that my husband had done during that day to help me – things I couldn’t see when I was focusing on everything that was “wrong” and on what he wasn’t doing. I stopped and allowed myself to feel the gratitude, and then I expressed the gratitude to my husband and apologized to him for speaking disrespectfully and not simply asking for help.
I wish I could say that everything went back to normal right away. Unfortunately, one of the prices for choosing to be right over being happy is that sometimes the other person may still be at the impact of your words or actions, and it may take a while for them to come around. It did take a little while, but I gave him the space to feel what he was feeling, and was happy that after we put the kids to bed, we watched one of our favorite shows together, and that, by the end of the night, I was able to kiss my honey good night, say, “I love you,” and hear, “I love you, too.”
See, spending time with my husband, letting him know how much I love him, and having him let me know he loves me, too – that’s what I’m committed to creating and experiencing in my relationship.
And, while I didn’t enjoy it at all, the experience served as a great reminder o,f why I’ve chosen to make the changes in myself that have helped me create the kind of marriage I always dreamed of: When it comes to choosing between being happy or being right, choosing intimacy is always the better choice and results in the loving, passionate relationship I really want!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 16, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Unconditional love.” It’s a phrase used often when people are asked to describe what type of love they’d like to experience or what their definition of “true love” is. The truth is, however, that many of us can tend to be very conditional when it comes to giving and receiving love. We have so many expectations about what love should look like — how it should be demonstrated, and how the other person needs to prove their love for us.
When love is truly unconditional, it means that there are no expectations or rules regarding how it must be given. This means that there wouldn’t be any “formulas” or ultimatums regarding the love, like “If he really loves me, then he would ____ .” The moment we begin to set rules, requirements, and conditions that the love and affection must meet, we have turned our desire for love into an obligation that must be met.
Rather than requiring that love look, sound, or be demonstrated in a particular way, be open and willing to receive the love that is being sent your way. Rather than looking through the lens of it not being “good enough,” receive it graciously, allow yourself feel it and be grateful for it, and then express your gratitude.
And when it comes to giving love to another, it’s also important to let go of the expectations and conditions under which you will demonstrate and give your love. So many times we withhold love, appreciation, and forgiveness, using the withdrawal and absence of our love as a “punishment.” The moment we have the thought that we are not going to show him our love until he says or does something, we are being conditional with our love.
Granted, to be able to give and receive love freely, it’s important that you know that you are in a relationship someone who is good for you – someone who is not cheating on or putting you in any type of physical or emotional danger. Those types of “requirements” are about loving and putting yourself safety and self-care first. But outside of any real physical or emotional danger, if you are with a man who cares for you and gives you the experience of being loved, then there’s absolutely no greater gift that you can give him than accepting him, loving him freely, and receiving the love he gives to you willingly, graciously, and open-heartedly! And the best part about this gift is that being the giver is almost as wonderful as being the recipient!
So, go ahead! Love fully! Love unconditionally!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 13, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.”
~ William Durant
I posted this quote on our Facebook page over the weekend, and it really stuck with me. How many times in our lives do we use the mistakes and failures of the past to keep us stuck where we are? We’ll replay past conversations (or arguments), choices we made, things that we did (or didn’t do) over and over in our heads, continuously making ourselves wrong for what we did back then. However, we’re also using this as an excuse to not move ahead and make a different choice now.
The truth is that if you’re human, you’ve made at least one mistake in the past 24 hours. So, when it comes to love, what would have us believe that we need to be infallible, incapable of making a mistake now and again? And what would make us believe that we are incapable of making different choices, knowing what we know now?
Part of it may be that we’ve seen patterns repeated in our lives. Perhaps there’s been a pattern of choosing men who were not faithful or ready to commit to us. Maybe we’ve made and broken promises to be more respectful and less harsh in our actions and words toward the men we love. Or maybe the promises we’ve broken have been those we’ve made to ourselves – about finally making a commitment to doing whatever it takes to have the relationship of our dreams, or about giving up the fear that has kept us feeling stuck and alone and having the courage to go out there and date or walk up to our beloved and ask for forgiveness.
Whatever it is that has been keeping you stuck in the past – whatever failures, mistakes, or regrets you’ve been holding onto – it’s time to let them go. It’s time to forgive yourself, him, them, and everything else you’ve been making wrong, and just make a choice now to create a brand new start!
So what will you do to create a new start in your love life?
Will you finally let go of resentment and forgive yourself or others?
Will you give up the pride that’s been keeping you stuck and ask for forgiveness?
Will you put your profile up on dating site and just open up to the possibility of attracting new love?
Will you recommit yourself to the relationship you’re in and begin making the changes that will reignite the love that’s begun to fade?
Will you begin working with a relationship coach who can help you identify the fears and patterns holding you back so that you can break free from them and finally start living the life and the love your heart desires? If you’re ready, you’ll want to check out the Create Your Love Story coaching program that is helping women transform their love lives!
Whatever it is that you’re ready to do to breathe life into your love life and relationships, choose one thing you are going to do and do it now!
And let me know what that is in the comments below, because I’d love to hear what it is and support you in any way I can!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
