by heartsdesireintl | Nov 5, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Surrender to this moment, accept things and people as they are, and your heart will begin to open.
~ Jonathan Mead
One of the main principles that we cover in our workshops and coaching is that of “surrender.” Now, when people hear the word “surrender,” they tend to think of things like “defeat,” “giving up,” or “getting stepped on.” However, surrender is more of a spiritual term, and it does not involve losing, getting beaten down, or not having a voice. Instead, surrender is about acceptance – Accepting people, things, and situations exactly the way they are and exactly the way they are not. It means that rather than resisting and resenting the way a person or situation is – then trying to “fix,” change, and make them “better” – we allow it to be the way it is now, knowing that it’s perfect the way that it is.
Now, I usually get a lot of arguments and questions from people right about this point in the conversation that sounds something like, “So, you mean, we should be happy that there are kids starving all over the world or in our own backyard,” or “So this means that I’m ‘stuck’ being in an unhappy relationship,” or “So, I’m supposed to pretend that I don’t want to be in a relationship and get married?”
If those questions (or some like it) were screaming out in your head, don’t worry! Relax. This is not what it means! Surrendering does not mean agreeing with, suffering through, or pretending that we’re happy about something we’re not. It just means acknowledging: This is the way it is right now. I may want it to be a different way, but, right now, this is how it is.
This acknowledgement creates acceptance. And, in the space of acceptance, there is now room for freedom (to choose or not choose to do something differently), for peace (of mind and spirit), and for love (free from judgment – unconditional love)!
So, how does this look in a relationship? Perhaps my husband is overweight, and I think he “should” eat more healthy foods and exercise. I can take two approaches to this situation. I can drop hints for my husband, make comments about how much weight he’s gained, give him “helpful suggestions” about what he “should” eat and do – basically, I can nag him about it and totally pour water all over the embers of intimacy… Or I can surrender my need to control him and just allow him to be who he is, make the choices for himself that he sees fit, and stand by him, no matter what. And, then, if he chooses to make changes, I can be his biggest cheerleader, completely trusting in his ability to do what’s right for him. This leads to him feeling respected, supported, and free to make his own decisions.
If I’m dating, and a guy I’m seeing works really long hours. I can hint that he needs to make more time for me, be upset with him for doing what he feels he needs to do for his career, or decide that a guy who spends too much time working is not the guy for me – Never mind that when he is with me he treats me like a princess, makes sure I’m having a great time, and that he’s determined to make his life (and, perhaps even our future!) better. I’m just going to walk away from what could possibly be the relationship I’ve always wanted… Or I can surrender, stop trying to control him, the relationship, and the situation, and make the time that we are together count!
Acceptance does not require “agreement” or having to “settle” or “be stuck” with the way things are in the present. It simply means that we acknowledge and accept that “It is the way it is right now.” Whether we are referring to our lives, careers, relationship or relationship status: It is the way it is right now. And if we can accept it, rather than resist it, refuse it, or try to fix it or force it to change… If we can just let go and bring acceptance, grace, and gratitude, in the space that is created, peace is felt, love is possible, we feel empowered to make the changes necessary within ourselves, and we begin to experience freedom… peace… bliss!
Have you been trying to control someone or something in your life, only to feel “powerless,” resentful, and unfulfilled? If so, take on the practice of surrendering and accepting people things the way they are so that you can open a space for them to become what they can be!
Photo credit: Sabbir Siraj via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Nov 4, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
When we transition from “just us” to being a family, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the joys and responsibilities of parenthood. There is so much to do, so many new roles and responsibilities, and, quite frankly, you learn to be “exhausted” on a whole new level. Add to that everything you were already doing before the children were born, and it’s easy to forget to make your relationship a priority.
I know that after I had my first child, I was in a completely new space. For the first time in my life I questioned how “competent” I was for a job! I felt so vulnerable, so insecure, and so tired, and I admit that I put my son before everything else. It caused friction in our marriage for the first couple of years, and, it wasn’t until I started practicing the skills and principles that I now teach that I realized that it wasn’t that my husband had changed or that he didn’t want to “pitch in,” or that the “myth” out there that the relationship has to change once you have children does not have to be true. I had changed. And I’d forgot that the one who I promised to love, cherish, and honor for the rest of my life was my husband. I forgot to be a lover as well as a wife.
Now, will your relationship go through changes once children enter the picture? Of course it will! Growing and changing are natural part of life. But that doesn’t mean that the romantic part of your relations can’t grow, change, and become deeper than ever! Continuing to see and treat each other as lovers, while honoring one another as parents makes us better at both roles. And I believe that there is perhaps no better gift to give our children than an example of what love, intimacy, and partnership looks like when they can see in us the love we have for one another and the love we share with them.
So, what are some easy steps to make sure that we are loving and supporting one another as lovers and appreciating one another as parents:
- Make time for “alone time.” Even if it means an hour or two after the kids are gone to bed, spend time talking, snuggling and being “a couple.” Oh, and make time for date nights. If you can’t afford a sitter, then plan a special dinner, have a glass of wine on the porch, or watch an adult cartoon-free movie together. Just make sure to plan the time and honor it!
- Keep the romance alive. And this doesn’t only mean the sexual part of the relationship, although, of course, that’s an important (and one of the most fun parts) of the relationship. Do “the little things” you used to do to show him that you love him. Leave little love notes, walk by and give him a kiss, give him a back rub, and let him know how lucky you feel to be loved by him. While we don’t need to be making out in front of our kids, a few stolen kisses, grabs, and flirting go a long way to keep that spark lit!
- Make time for yourself. It’s important to replenish and refuel your mind, body, and spirit. Take time to relax, take a bubble bath, spend time with friends, or just take a nap. You can’t draw water from an empty well, and making sure your emotional tank is full will also help you make sure you have the patience and energy it takes to be the best wife and mother you can be!
Do you have ideas for continuing to keep the love alive as a couple, while still being there to love and support our children? Please share them! We’d love to hear (and maybe steal them)!
Photo credit: PhotgraTree via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Nov 2, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.”
~ Christopher Reeve
In speaking to singles – both men and women – I’ve noticed that they have so many of the same concerns. There’s the fear of dating, period – some are paralyzed by the thought of putting their profile on an online dating site, or even going out in order to meet people. Others are not “too afraid” of dating. They are more scared by the thought that they will date and date and not find the person who’s right for them. And, even those who are dating someone regularly are afraid that he/she may not be “the one,” and that they’ll end up “stuck” with or settling for someone, or even that there may be someone else out there – someone better… (What if “the right one” is out there and I’m with this person, instead?”)
The first thing I do is let them know that their fears and doubts are a normal part of the human nature. We’re always going to be afraid when we face the unknown. It’s what drives many of us to become “control freaks” and block many opportunities for getting to know someone, prevent a relationship to flow at its own pace, and judging and assessing everything the other person does or says to make sure he/she’s not “playing” us. But, while these are “normal” fears and doubts, we do get a say in how we respond and react to them. We can allow the fear to present itself, and then still take an action that would move us in the direction of what we say we want: a loving, passionate, intimate relationship!
And, how do we do this? By focusing on three things: Faith, Hope, and Love.
- Faith: If you’re like most people you probably believe that true love is possible. However, when you get down to it, do you believe that it’s possible for you? Or are you honoring a limiting belief that you are the one human being in all of the history of human kind who was created for the sole purpose of living life alone? If you are entertaining that belief, I invite you to let it go! You are human, and, as such, were created to belong, be loved, and be part of something bigger than yourself. Your birthright is to be loved! So, whenever those limiting thoughts pop into your head, bring faith to your fears and know that love is possible, and it IS possible for YOU!
- Hope: While it can seem like faith and hope mean the same thing, they are actually different. See faith is believing in what is yet unseen – what has still not come to pass. Hope is the expectation that it is already on its way! It’s knowing what you want to experience in the relationship, and not trying to “force” or make it happen. It’s about meeting someone knew, and, rather than fast-forwarding to the wedding date and what that will be like, staying in the present moment and listening – to the other person, to your intuition, and to how you feel when you’re with him and relishing in the here and now. It’s about allowing things to unfold naturally, and believing that it is all unfolding perfectly for you! And it’s about happily and graciously welcoming the good that comes to you, rather than having a list of expectations or criteria for determining whether or not he or “this” is it!
- Love: And, as I always say, you need to BE the love you want to see. And, while, of course, what we are focusing on is attracting and experiencing romantic love, this doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships. Bring love into everything you do. Bring love to every thought, word, action, and reaction. Have love be the air you breathe. Allow love, in all of its forms, to flow to and from you. Being loving is the way to attract more and more love into your life. So live a life of love!
Being single doesn’t have to be “hard” or a burden. Approaching your life with the faith that love is possible for you; hope that everything that has happened and is happening right now is already working together to make your dreams come true; and living a life of love can make this part of your Love Journey peaceful, exciting, rewarding, and fun!
How will you bring faith, hope, and love into your life? Please share your comments! We love to hear from you!
Photo credit: pchow98 via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Nov 1, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
There are days when I realize that I’m not being very loving to myself. Sometimes that can mean I’m not taking time to practice self-care, and, more often, it’s in the form of negative self-talk. For someone who has committed her life to bringing love into the hearts and lives of women, I can be pretty brutal in the way that I speak to myself. I’ve been doing some personal development sessions with a friend of mine, and the last session we did had to do with how unforgiving we can be to ourselves. And I see how, although I am usually a very compassionate, forgiving, and accepting person with others, I hold myself to almost unreachable standards, and I can be really hard on myself when I don’t meet those standards.
So, rather than giving myself a further “lashing” by making myself “bad and wrong” for not being more loving with myself, I decided to take a few moments and just write down a few affirmations that I can post on the wall right behind my computer screen (I call it my “Inspiration Wall,” because I have positive quotes, sayings, and the pictures of the people I love most on the wall (of course, my amazing husband’s picture is right in the center of the wall!).
Here are a few of the affirmations I wrote:
I am beautiful, inside and out, and deserving of love, especially my own.
I am intelligent, creative, and inspiring.
I am divine, blessed, and anointed by God.
I am generous, patient, compassionate, and forgiving.
I attract love, joy, peace, and abundance simply because of who I am.
I deserve rest, fun, and pleasure.
I am receptive, gracious, and grateful.
The love I give flows from me, because I am a source of love in this world.
I am the embodiment of love, grace, wisdom, and power.
I am growing, becoming, and evolving into the best version of myself.
A couple of things happened as I wrote down the statements. At times, I hesitated and wanted to revise what I wrote, because it felt like “too much.” I don’t want to come across as vain or full of myself. And then I thought, “Wait! I am full of my Self! And this is who I am!” So, I let go of the inner-critic and just allowed the thoughts to flow. And, as I read them aloud to myself, I was moved. Because, even when I’m procrastinating, even when I don’t honor my word, even when I allow unloving words to escape my lips, the essence of who I am is love, grace, and compassion. And this is only true because I say so.
I’m making a promise to myself to read these affirmations to myself at least once a day. I know that the love I want to see in the world begins with me, and that comes from how I speak to myself. I can’t draw from an empty well!
What about you? What are you telling yourself? Are there affirmations you say or want to begin saying to yourself? If so, please share them below and click the box to be notified of comments on this post so that you can read other women’s affirmations and we can encourage one another on this self-love journey!
Photo credit: jessamyn via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 31, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.”
~ Brian Tracy
When we ask women what they are looking for in a relationship, many times, they will say that they want to find someone who will love and accept them exactly the way they are. Putting aside that this is more about “who” they are looking to attract, rather than the experience they want to create (see our blog post on giving up “the checklist” and what to do once you’ve given up the checklist), what I hear in their responses is that they just want someone to love them. They want to be in a relationship with someone who will not try to “fix” or “change” them, someone with whom they can be themselves.
In the end, I think that’s what we all want – both women and men!
Here’s the thing. As we’ve shared in previous posts, we need to BE what we want to see in our relationships. Many times, although we want to be loved and accepted for who we are, we forget that, in order to attract someone with whom we can create a loving and accepting relationship – where both of us can be who we are, free of fear of judgment – then we need to BE loving and accepting ourselves. We need to see someone – with all of their quirks, and habits, ideas, and ways of being – and offer the same selfless acceptance we want to receive. And this is where many times I see a “disconnect” between what women say they want and who they are willing to be.
I read a lot of dating and relationship blogs as part of my own personal development. As much as I don’t always like the content, I also watch a few reality shows, as a way to study the dynamics between the men and women on the shows. So many times, I am just floored by how quickly women interpret a guy’s mistake as a sign that he’s “a loser,” he’s “playing games,” or he’s “not marriage material.” The fear of “wasting her time” and/or getting hurt, has the woman discount, disregard, and totally tear apart the poor guy in her blog post.
Or I’ll see women telling their husbands, boyfriends, or dates how they should dress, speak, act, and react on national TV in a totally disrespectful, “parental,” and, quite frankly, unattractive way. And I usually rewind back to the moment when this happened and just watch how the men’s facial expressions and body language change. I can physically see them look down, slump a little, sometimes look shocked, and other times see them completely shut down.
The act of unconditional love – they type of love we all want to create and experience – includes accepting all of who that person is. It means embracing the parts of the person we love and the parts we don’t. It means extending understanding and forgiveness in the same measure we hope to receive it. It means keeping in mind that our guy is not “fixer-upper project.” He is who he is. And he may choose to change, but the choice to change is his and, if you’ve promised to love him, then you promised to love him – the good, the not-so-good, and everything in between.
We can only receive unconditional love to the extent that we are willing to give it. We can only attract to ourselves that which we are being. And the “bonus” in all of this – what makes it a win-win – is that, since we’re not expecting “perfection,” then we don’t have to be perfect. Since we are being generous and gracious in our understanding and forgiving, then we can experience what it’s like to receive that, too. And that, since we are being the best version of ourselves, we can experience the type of happiness, intimacy, and tenderness our hearts truly desire and deserve!
How will you bring love and acceptance to your relationships?
Photo credit: samcaplat via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 30, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.”
– Robert Anderson
One of the first things we tell the women who we coach or who attend our workshops is that, if you’re going to play, play to win. What does that mean? Sometimes, when things in a relationship are not going as well as the woman would like them to, particularly if the couple has been struggling for a while, although they are attending a workshop or receiving coaching in an effort to turn things around, their actions and words point to the fact that they are trying to “get out.” They’re listening to the coaching, but from a context that things are not going to change anyway.
(more…)
