by heartsdesireintl | Oct 11, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Hate is easy; love takes courage.
~ Unknown
The other day I read a very racially hateful post on Facebook. I don’t know the person very well (we’re just “cyber-friends”), but the post shocked me because it was so “out of character” with the other posts I see the person write about her family and friends.
Immediately, I found myself wrapped in a blanket of judgment, coupled with anger, and the desire to tell her how “wrong” she is for thinking that way. However, when you have made a commitment to live a life where every breath communicates love, you need to check yourself before saying or doing something that goes against that. So, I decided to sit with the feelings and reflect on where in my life I am also judgmental, where I say or do things that hurt others and where I don’t always lead with love, since I’ve learned that, when something upsets me about someone else, there is usually something about myself that I don’t like or accept that is being reflected back to me.
It’s taken me a couple of days – there was a lot more there (inside me) than I thought there would be. But I’m in a space now where I can communicate with her free of judgment and just tell her about how reading the comments made me feel without “lecturing” or putting her down… Simply coming from a commitment that every human being on the planet knows what it is to experience loving and accepting and being loved and accepted.
So, how does this relate to romantic relationships? How many times, in our relationships, does the other person do or say something with which we don’t agree, and what’s there – almost immediately – is a surge of anger and the feeling that we need to tell or show him/her how “wrong” he/she is? How many times, after a heartbreak betrayal, are we immediately filled with hate for the other person, and then we lash out, making sure he/she feels just as much, if not more, pain that we do?
If we look beneath the anger and hate – both real feelings – we may find that the underlying emotion is pain. And, if we can deal with the pain, get to the root of it, and maybe even find the courage to bring some compassion to it (both for ourselves and the other person), then it’s quite possible that we can speak to the other person from a place of love, rather than one of anger and hate. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s fun. But, if living a life of love is important to us, it’s just something to consider.
What do you do to bring yourself to a place of peace when you are angered, disappointed or upset?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 10, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your EGO.
~ Mrs. Luchini
One of the things that can make the biggest difference in a relationship is being able to apologize when you’ve done something to hurt or disrespect the other person. Too many of the arguments in relationships take place when one or both of the people in the relationship is more committed to being “right” than to being happy. And, in those moments, it’s very likely that one or both will say something that will hurt or disrespect the other.
Being willing to recognize that you’ve been disrespectful or hurtful to the person you love takes both humility and courage. But it also sends the message that your relationship is more important than your need to be “right” or to have “won” the argument. And that message goes a long way toward creating a lifetime of intimacy.
Is there something for which you’ve been avoiding apologizing? Let him/her know that your relationship is what matters most to you!
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 9, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Feeling gratitude and note expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
~ William Arthur Ward
One of the first exercises I give women who I coach is to find 3 reasons to thank their spouse or boyfriend every day for a week. If they are single, then they are to express gratitude at least 3 times per day. Sometimes, particularly with women who are struggling in their marriages, you would think that I was asking them to pull out their own wisdom tooth!
“Three thank-you’s a day? I can’t even think of one!”
To which I answer, “Great! Then create three opportunities per day!” (Insert wicked smile.)
Why do I ask a woman who is experiencing trouble with her husband to thank him? Am I “taking his side” or asking her to ignore the issues they are experiencing? No. I’m simply trying to help her change her focus…To shine the spotlight on what is working…Helping her see the little things that sometimes get clouded out by complaints, unmet expectations, and fear.
Usually, something miraculous happens! At the end of the week, when we have our next session, rather than wanting to spend the time telling me about all of the things he isn’t doing right (or not well enough), she can’t wait to tell me about all of the things she noticed! The “new things” he started doing (some of them aren’t new at all – she just sees them now!), and how she is beginning to see and feel “a shift” in the relationship. All of a sudden, there is hope. And where there is hope, anything is possible!
Gratitude has the power to transform our perception of people, situations, and things. If you bring gratitude to your relationship, you begin to experience that, while, yes, there may still be some things we need to work on, there are also things that are working. And, in the space of appreciation we can begin love and honor one another again, which can serve to inspire us to make the changes we each need to make.
If you’re in a relationship, what are three things for which you grateful to your boyfriend/spouse. If you’re not in a relationship yet, what are 3 things for which you are thankful.
Questions? Comments? We love to hear from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 8, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
In an effort to connect with our readers a little more, I decided to take part in a 30-day blogging challenge. This means that, for the next 30 days I will be posting a blog article per day, primarily in the form of a Heart’s Desire Thought of the Day. Each day, I will post a quote, a reflection, and a question that you can answer in the comments section. I hope that this 30-day journey will bring us all closer to our heart’s desires!
I decided to begin with Happiness, because, in the end, isn’t that what we all truly want to experience?
“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”
— Denis Waitley
It’s tempting to think “I’ll be happy when…” But happiness is not something that can be found anywhere, in anything, or in anyone outside of our selves. At times, what has us feel unhappy is that we are not willing to accept things, situations, and people – including ourselves – as they are. We feel that it, they, or we should somehow be different. However, the path to finding true happiness begins with acceptance, grace, and gratitude.
This is why, whether you are single, dating, or in a relationship, it’s important to remember that you – and only you are responsible for your own happiness. Too many times, relationships either end or aren’t even given the chance to begin because we make the person we’re with responsible for our happiness. This puts an unnecessary burden and responsibility on the other person. This causes the person seeking happiness in the relationship to have unrealistic expectations of the other person, “clinginess” or “neediness,” constantly looking for or trying to draw out “evidence” of the other person’s feelings, and consistently feeling upset and disappointed when all of our unrealistic expectations are not met.
A woman who is happy with her life, who finds joy in it, and lives in a spirit of love, grace, and gratitude is attractive – not only in the physical sense of the word, but in the sense that she attracts to herself more love, grace, and things for which to be grateful. And when she does meet or is in a relationship with someone, he has the opportunity to become part of her life and happiness – to add to it and enhance, rather than be responsible for it!
Are you happy today? Tell us more! If not, what can you bring love, grace, and gratitude to, beginning today?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 5, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Tuesday’s post on getting rid of the checklist sparked a lot of discussion on different social media platforms, especially among singles. I even received some requests for a similar post directed toward men. Maybe… One day… However, I believe that we women have the power to set the tone in a relationship, and that it’s up to us to create the type of relationship we want to experience – no one can do that for us. So, for now, let’s talk about what to do once you choose to get rid of the checklist.
First, let me warn you. From time to time, you’ll be tempted to tape together the pieces of the checklist and see which ones “aren’t that bad” in order to justify keeping them. You know, you’ll get approached by a guy who looks different than the “type” of guy you usually date, and your automatic pilot will kick in with a “No way!” unless you can catch yourself first. Or maybe your friend wants to introduce you to a guy she knows, but he’s a divorced father of two and you have sworn to yourself that you will not date anyone who had any type of past that might affect you in any way, shape, or form. Or you bump into a guy at the grocery store and he smiles at you, but his teeth are crooked and that’s been a “deal-breaker” for you in the past.
The point is that, from time to time, you may find yourself grasping for the “safety” of the checklist. At those times, it’s going to take some intentional brain work on your part to remind yourself that his height, the color of his hair, who he may have loved in the past, and his teeth have nothing to do with the kind of romance that the two of you could possibly create together. And, until that happens, you can also remind yourself that it’s “just a conversation,” or “just coffee,” or “just a smile.”
So what’s a girl to do once she’s gotten rid of the checklist? Well, let’s start with what it is that you want!
Many women say they want to be in a loving, committed relationship, but, when you ask them to describe the kind of romance they want, they will either begin to describe a type of guy or stumble to put what they want into words. Perhaps it’s that the focus has been more on the guy they would like to meet than the relationship they’d like to create and live in. Maybe they’ve been basing the idea of a “real relationship” on what they’ve seen on TV or in the movies, or what they’ve read about in books. But when it comes to seriously thinking about, envisioning, and verbalizing what it is they really want, they just aren’t sure.
This is why one of the first exercises we do in our workshops or coaching sessions for single ladies is to have the women write down and declare what they want in a relationship.
How do you want to feel when you’re together?
What is the experience of being together like?
Why is this so important? Because until you are clear about what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. It’s why one of the main reasons women tell us they are afraid of being in a committed relationship is that they will either “lose themselves” or end up “settling for” someone and then getting bored or falling out of love with them.
The truth is, no one gets “stuck” in a relationship. You either choose to be in it or you don’t. But, if you’re not sure about what kind of experience you want to have in a relationship, chances are that you will be “blurry” and unclear, and spend a lot of time attracting what you don’t want into your life. So, clarity is key!
For example, if you know that you want “good communication” in your relationship, that doesn’t really translate into an experience. So, maybe you would describe it as: We are able to share our ideas, thoughts, and dreams freely and openly.
If honesty and loyalty are important, you could say: We honor and respect one another and choose to love one another exclusively.
If being able to travel and do fun and exciting things is part of the experience you want to create with the man who is right for you, then you might say: We live in abundance and discover new and exciting adventures.
And if what you want is to be loved, cherished, and adored, then you could include something like: We love each other, make one another feel special, and let each other know how blessed we feel to be loved by the other.
…Or something like that…
Basically, what you are doing is determining what is important to you, what your heart truly desires, and describing it for yourself. No one ever has to read or hear this – not even him! This is your creation. Your declaration. And you get to start living it NOW, even before you meet him!
What do I mean? Well, if you the experience of your relationship includes having open and free communication, then begin expressing your thoughts freely and allowing others to do the same. If you want to experience honesty and loyalty, then be honest and loyal at all times. Honor your promises and commitments. If you want to live in abundance and have exciting adventures, don’t wait to meet someone in order to go for that promotion, start your own business, take that trip you’ve always wanted to take, or enroll in that class you’ve been putting off for “someday.” Do it now! And if you want to experience being loved, cherished, and adored, then be loving, kind, and compassionate with others, and receive the time, attention, gifts, and compliments of others – especially men – graciously… Even when they are not quite your “type,” because (good news) you no longer have a “type,” since you got rid of the checklist!
Basically, you want to start BEing the type of person who will attract the things and experiences you want to have. You want to BE the woman that a man who is willing and ready to create that type of relationship with you will be able to recognize from a mile away.
In essence, you want to BE everything you hope to see in your future relationship!
Have questions or comments about this article, feel free to include them below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 2, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Over the past few weeks, I’ve received several requests to write a blog post specifically for single ladies who are still looking to attract the man who is right for them. The request usually comes in the form of a complaint stating that there “are no good guys out there,” or that they are all “either married, gay, or way too young.” On a planet with over 6 billion people, about half of which are male, and then about another half of those being unmarried and heterosexual, that leaves roughly about 1.5 billion guys out there who are available. Let’s say that only half of those are “good guys.” That still leaves 75 million good and available men. And you only need 1, right? Chances are he’s out there!
When I work with a single woman, one of the first questions I ask her is what she wants in a relationship. Ninety-nine percent of the time, she will immediately begin describing the man with whom she would like to be in a relationship. Usually, I’ll hear a “checklist” of qualities (criteria) that the man must meet – like his height, age, body type, education, salary, and type of job (including how much time he must have available to spend with her). I have to interrupt her at some point and clarify that she’s not answering the question I originally asked her. Our conversation goes a little like this:
Her: What do you mean? I thought you asked me what I want in a relationship.
Me: Right, I asked you to tell me what it is that you want in a relationship. In other words, what do you want to experience in a relationship?
Her: Oh! Sorry. What I want to experience is a relationship with a guy who is…”
Again, I have to stop her. That wasn’t the question.
At this point, she is usually a little confused (and irritated), and I’ll explain that what I’m asking her to do is describe what she wants to experience in the relationship.
What do you want to feel in that relationship? What are the words that would describe that experience? Is it peace, partnership, transparency, romance, passion? What do you want the relationship – not the man – to be like?
Why is it that we want to take the focus off of “the guy,” if the whole purpose of the coaching session or workshop is to attract and marry the man who is right for you? Well, because, until you are clear about what you want to experience in a relationship, you probably won’t recognize that you’re in it!
Too many times, women focus on a man’s physical characteristics, finances, education or work experience when they are thinking about being in a relationship. If you ask them, they’ve dated guys who are their “type” before. So, why didn’t it work out? Well, because “the checklist” – that insurmountable list of criteria that completely obliterates any chance a very large portion of the “good” available men has of even approaching you – has very little to do with the type of romance a you want to experience.
Think about it. If your checklist includes that he needs to be at least 6 feet tall, with brown hair, and light brown eyes, what in the world does that have to do with how honest he will be with you?
How will the amount of education or the number of degrees he has impact his ability to hold you during your darkest times?
How does the amount of money he has in the bank affect his ability to make you laugh until you’re both crying?
What does the type of car he drives have to do with the way he looks at you and how he can make you feel like you are the only two people in a crowded room?
Short answer: None of these things have anything to do with the type of relationship your heart desires!
The checklist, while on the surface may seem is just a list of desired characteristics, is actually more like a suit of armor that women use to protect ourselves.
Protect ourselves? From what? Men?
No. We use the checklist to protect ourselves from our own fears. What we are afraid will happen or won’t happen. What we are afraid we deserve or are unworthy of. What we are afraid is not good or lovable enough about ourselves. The checklist actually has nothing to do with him and everything to do with us, how we see ourselves, and what we feel we can have in a relationship!
So, what are some of those fears for which the checklist provides protection?
Well, if I’m afraid of having to struggle financially or having to financially support a man who is not capable of taking care of me, then I’ll make sure he makes a lot of money – or at least more than I do.
If I’m afraid that I’ll end up married to someone who isn’t capable of making good choices, then I’ll make sure I marry someone who at least got his Bachelor’s degree, because then I’ll know he’s “smart.”
If I’m afraid that there’s something about me that’s not good enough or lovable enough, then I’ll make sure he’s at least close to being “Greek God” material, because, if a guy that good looking is even interested in me, then I must be lovable, right?
If I’m afraid that we won’t have anything to talk about, then I’ll make sure that we have the same political, religious, and moral views, because then at least we’ll agree on most things.
Now, I’m not saying to drop your standards, deny your values, or to go date someone who reminds you of Quasimodo. So, if that’s what you’re hearing, you can relax (smile)! All I’m saying is to consider that, perhaps, those “qualities,” “characteristics,” or “standards” may be covers for something else: A way of keeping you “safe.” Safe from heartbreak, disappointment, boredom, or anything else you are afraid may happen if a guy doesn’t meet a specific criteria or item on your checklist.
So, if you throw away the checklist, then how will you know you’re with the man who’s right for you? I’ll address that in my next post. For now, however, I invite you to do an exercise. Look down your list (my experience tells me it’s probably written somewhere and may even be posted somewhere online) and next to each item, see if you can identify what the fear behind that item is.
Expect some resistance. Expect the little voice in your head to go nuts justifying and rationalizing why that’s an important thing to keep on the list. Expect that little voice to call me a few names, too. It’s okay. That little voice is just afraid. She doesn’t like being vulnerable. Just quiet her down long enough to at least consider that there may be something to what I’m saying. I’m here for you if you need some help quieting her down. (smile)
Feel free to post your questions, comments, or ideas for future posts below. We love hearing from you!
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