by heartsdesireintl | Oct 12, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“In a true partnership, the kind worth striving for, the kind worth insisting on… both people try to give as much or even a little more than they get. ‘Deserves’ is not the point. And ‘owes’ is certainly not the point. The point is to make the other person as happy as we can, because their happiness adds to ours. The point is – in the right hands, everything that you give, you get.”
~ Amy Bloom
This week has been an “interesting one” in our home, to say the least. It began last Thursday evening, when, close to midnight, I discovered that my little one had gotten sick all over his bed (and the wall, and the carpet). Before I knew it, my husband had him in the tub, bathing him, while I rinsed off the bed sheets and clothes and got them in the laundry. Then, while I scrubbed the walls, he scrubbed the carpet. And, all of this, without me having to ask him for help… He just jumped in to help.
We’d had a lunch date planned for the following day, but that was scratched, due to the little one staying home from school, so we just ordered in and had lunch together at home. It was okay, because we’d planned a whole “Date Day” for Monday, while the kids were at school, since he had the day off… Well, that plan was also scratched, when, not only did our older son get sick at school, so we had to go get him, but we both ended up getting sick as well! Ugh!
So, Monday was a “dance” between whoever felt less sick at any given moment, making lunch, picking up the little one from school, or giving the older one his medicine. I made something quick for dinner and he did the dishes. I helped the kids get bathed, and he got lunch ready for the next day. I kept noticing how we just knew when the other one needed help and just stepped in.
Then, on Thursday, out of nowhere, whatever this bug is hit me hard. I could not move! I was nauseous and weak, and burning up in fever. I sent him a text asking him if he thought he could come home early. He called me right back and, as soon as he heard my voice, he was in the car and on his way home. He put me to bed, checked on me several times, and took care of everything: dinner, baths, preparing lunches, and bedtime routines. And this morning, he took them to school while I slept.
This partnership, this beautiful dance of giving and receiving, wasn’t always present in our marriage. For many years, I was “the martyr” in our relationship – doing everything myself and then complaining that he never offered to help. I just felt I shouldn’t have to ask for help. And I resented him for not “jumping in.” It wasn’t until I began being vulnerable, asking for help, and stopped trying to be “Super Human,” that he began stepping in, helping out, and making me feel like I wasn’t in this alone… because I’m not!
I’m so thankful for my husband… for his love, his strength, and his willingness to take care of me. And I’m so thankful I was finally willing to let down my guard, and create a space in our marriage that allowed him to step in and be my partner!
What about you? Are you struggling with doing everything on your own? If not, what do you do to create partnership in your relationship?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 11, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Hate is easy; love takes courage.
~ Unknown
The other day I read a very racially hateful post on Facebook. I don’t know the person very well (we’re just “cyber-friends”), but the post shocked me because it was so “out of character” with the other posts I see the person write about her family and friends.
Immediately, I found myself wrapped in a blanket of judgment, coupled with anger, and the desire to tell her how “wrong” she is for thinking that way. However, when you have made a commitment to live a life where every breath communicates love, you need to check yourself before saying or doing something that goes against that. So, I decided to sit with the feelings and reflect on where in my life I am also judgmental, where I say or do things that hurt others and where I don’t always lead with love, since I’ve learned that, when something upsets me about someone else, there is usually something about myself that I don’t like or accept that is being reflected back to me.
It’s taken me a couple of days – there was a lot more there (inside me) than I thought there would be. But I’m in a space now where I can communicate with her free of judgment and just tell her about how reading the comments made me feel without “lecturing” or putting her down… Simply coming from a commitment that every human being on the planet knows what it is to experience loving and accepting and being loved and accepted.
So, how does this relate to romantic relationships? How many times, in our relationships, does the other person do or say something with which we don’t agree, and what’s there – almost immediately – is a surge of anger and the feeling that we need to tell or show him/her how “wrong” he/she is? How many times, after a heartbreak betrayal, are we immediately filled with hate for the other person, and then we lash out, making sure he/she feels just as much, if not more, pain that we do?
If we look beneath the anger and hate – both real feelings – we may find that the underlying emotion is pain. And, if we can deal with the pain, get to the root of it, and maybe even find the courage to bring some compassion to it (both for ourselves and the other person), then it’s quite possible that we can speak to the other person from a place of love, rather than one of anger and hate. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s fun. But, if living a life of love is important to us, it’s just something to consider.
What do you do to bring yourself to a place of peace when you are angered, disappointed or upset?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 10, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your EGO.
~ Mrs. Luchini
One of the things that can make the biggest difference in a relationship is being able to apologize when you’ve done something to hurt or disrespect the other person. Too many of the arguments in relationships take place when one or both of the people in the relationship is more committed to being “right” than to being happy. And, in those moments, it’s very likely that one or both will say something that will hurt or disrespect the other.
Being willing to recognize that you’ve been disrespectful or hurtful to the person you love takes both humility and courage. But it also sends the message that your relationship is more important than your need to be “right” or to have “won” the argument. And that message goes a long way toward creating a lifetime of intimacy.
Is there something for which you’ve been avoiding apologizing? Let him/her know that your relationship is what matters most to you!
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 9, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Feeling gratitude and note expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
~ William Arthur Ward
One of the first exercises I give women who I coach is to find 3 reasons to thank their spouse or boyfriend every day for a week. If they are single, then they are to express gratitude at least 3 times per day. Sometimes, particularly with women who are struggling in their marriages, you would think that I was asking them to pull out their own wisdom tooth!
“Three thank-you’s a day? I can’t even think of one!”
To which I answer, “Great! Then create three opportunities per day!” (Insert wicked smile.)
Why do I ask a woman who is experiencing trouble with her husband to thank him? Am I “taking his side” or asking her to ignore the issues they are experiencing? No. I’m simply trying to help her change her focus…To shine the spotlight on what is working…Helping her see the little things that sometimes get clouded out by complaints, unmet expectations, and fear.
Usually, something miraculous happens! At the end of the week, when we have our next session, rather than wanting to spend the time telling me about all of the things he isn’t doing right (or not well enough), she can’t wait to tell me about all of the things she noticed! The “new things” he started doing (some of them aren’t new at all – she just sees them now!), and how she is beginning to see and feel “a shift” in the relationship. All of a sudden, there is hope. And where there is hope, anything is possible!
Gratitude has the power to transform our perception of people, situations, and things. If you bring gratitude to your relationship, you begin to experience that, while, yes, there may still be some things we need to work on, there are also things that are working. And, in the space of appreciation we can begin love and honor one another again, which can serve to inspire us to make the changes we each need to make.
If you’re in a relationship, what are three things for which you grateful to your boyfriend/spouse. If you’re not in a relationship yet, what are 3 things for which you are thankful.
Questions? Comments? We love to hear from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 8, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
In an effort to connect with our readers a little more, I decided to take part in a 30-day blogging challenge. This means that, for the next 30 days I will be posting a blog article per day, primarily in the form of a Heart’s Desire Thought of the Day. Each day, I will post a quote, a reflection, and a question that you can answer in the comments section. I hope that this 30-day journey will bring us all closer to our heart’s desires!
I decided to begin with Happiness, because, in the end, isn’t that what we all truly want to experience?
“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”
— Denis Waitley
It’s tempting to think “I’ll be happy when…” But happiness is not something that can be found anywhere, in anything, or in anyone outside of our selves. At times, what has us feel unhappy is that we are not willing to accept things, situations, and people – including ourselves – as they are. We feel that it, they, or we should somehow be different. However, the path to finding true happiness begins with acceptance, grace, and gratitude.
This is why, whether you are single, dating, or in a relationship, it’s important to remember that you – and only you are responsible for your own happiness. Too many times, relationships either end or aren’t even given the chance to begin because we make the person we’re with responsible for our happiness. This puts an unnecessary burden and responsibility on the other person. This causes the person seeking happiness in the relationship to have unrealistic expectations of the other person, “clinginess” or “neediness,” constantly looking for or trying to draw out “evidence” of the other person’s feelings, and consistently feeling upset and disappointed when all of our unrealistic expectations are not met.
A woman who is happy with her life, who finds joy in it, and lives in a spirit of love, grace, and gratitude is attractive – not only in the physical sense of the word, but in the sense that she attracts to herself more love, grace, and things for which to be grateful. And when she does meet or is in a relationship with someone, he has the opportunity to become part of her life and happiness – to add to it and enhance, rather than be responsible for it!
Are you happy today? Tell us more! If not, what can you bring love, grace, and gratitude to, beginning today?
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by heartsdesireintl | Oct 5, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Tuesday’s post on getting rid of the checklist sparked a lot of discussion on different social media platforms, especially among singles. I even received some requests for a similar post directed toward men. Maybe… One day… However, I believe that we women have the power to set the tone in a relationship, and that it’s up to us to create the type of relationship we want to experience – no one can do that for us. So, for now, let’s talk about what to do once you choose to get rid of the checklist.
First, let me warn you. From time to time, you’ll be tempted to tape together the pieces of the checklist and see which ones “aren’t that bad” in order to justify keeping them. You know, you’ll get approached by a guy who looks different than the “type” of guy you usually date, and your automatic pilot will kick in with a “No way!” unless you can catch yourself first. Or maybe your friend wants to introduce you to a guy she knows, but he’s a divorced father of two and you have sworn to yourself that you will not date anyone who had any type of past that might affect you in any way, shape, or form. Or you bump into a guy at the grocery store and he smiles at you, but his teeth are crooked and that’s been a “deal-breaker” for you in the past.
The point is that, from time to time, you may find yourself grasping for the “safety” of the checklist. At those times, it’s going to take some intentional brain work on your part to remind yourself that his height, the color of his hair, who he may have loved in the past, and his teeth have nothing to do with the kind of romance that the two of you could possibly create together. And, until that happens, you can also remind yourself that it’s “just a conversation,” or “just coffee,” or “just a smile.”
So what’s a girl to do once she’s gotten rid of the checklist? Well, let’s start with what it is that you want!
Many women say they want to be in a loving, committed relationship, but, when you ask them to describe the kind of romance they want, they will either begin to describe a type of guy or stumble to put what they want into words. Perhaps it’s that the focus has been more on the guy they would like to meet than the relationship they’d like to create and live in. Maybe they’ve been basing the idea of a “real relationship” on what they’ve seen on TV or in the movies, or what they’ve read about in books. But when it comes to seriously thinking about, envisioning, and verbalizing what it is they really want, they just aren’t sure.
This is why one of the first exercises we do in our workshops or coaching sessions for single ladies is to have the women write down and declare what they want in a relationship.
How do you want to feel when you’re together?
What is the experience of being together like?
Why is this so important? Because until you are clear about what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. It’s why one of the main reasons women tell us they are afraid of being in a committed relationship is that they will either “lose themselves” or end up “settling for” someone and then getting bored or falling out of love with them.
The truth is, no one gets “stuck” in a relationship. You either choose to be in it or you don’t. But, if you’re not sure about what kind of experience you want to have in a relationship, chances are that you will be “blurry” and unclear, and spend a lot of time attracting what you don’t want into your life. So, clarity is key!
For example, if you know that you want “good communication” in your relationship, that doesn’t really translate into an experience. So, maybe you would describe it as: We are able to share our ideas, thoughts, and dreams freely and openly.
If honesty and loyalty are important, you could say: We honor and respect one another and choose to love one another exclusively.
If being able to travel and do fun and exciting things is part of the experience you want to create with the man who is right for you, then you might say: We live in abundance and discover new and exciting adventures.
And if what you want is to be loved, cherished, and adored, then you could include something like: We love each other, make one another feel special, and let each other know how blessed we feel to be loved by the other.
…Or something like that…
Basically, what you are doing is determining what is important to you, what your heart truly desires, and describing it for yourself. No one ever has to read or hear this – not even him! This is your creation. Your declaration. And you get to start living it NOW, even before you meet him!
What do I mean? Well, if you the experience of your relationship includes having open and free communication, then begin expressing your thoughts freely and allowing others to do the same. If you want to experience honesty and loyalty, then be honest and loyal at all times. Honor your promises and commitments. If you want to live in abundance and have exciting adventures, don’t wait to meet someone in order to go for that promotion, start your own business, take that trip you’ve always wanted to take, or enroll in that class you’ve been putting off for “someday.” Do it now! And if you want to experience being loved, cherished, and adored, then be loving, kind, and compassionate with others, and receive the time, attention, gifts, and compliments of others – especially men – graciously… Even when they are not quite your “type,” because (good news) you no longer have a “type,” since you got rid of the checklist!
Basically, you want to start BEing the type of person who will attract the things and experiences you want to have. You want to BE the woman that a man who is willing and ready to create that type of relationship with you will be able to recognize from a mile away.
In essence, you want to BE everything you hope to see in your future relationship!
Have questions or comments about this article, feel free to include them below! We love hearing from you!
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