by heartsdesireintl | Aug 23, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This morning I was reading a daily meditation book, and the thought for the day was around the power that our words have to either build people up or tear them down. It’s easy to forget just how powerful our thoughts and words are and how they can impact our relationships.
Many times, when we are unhappy, disappointed, or scared, we feel the need to say exactly what is on our minds. And sharing your feelings is healthy. When you’re dating or in a relationship with someone, you want to be able to share what’s on your heart and mind.
The issue, however, is not really around whether or not you should say what’s on your mind. It’s more about how you choose to say it! See, many times, when we think we’re sharing our “feelings,” what we’re really doing is complaining and blaming – which can also be translated as nagging and criticizing – neither of which is encouraging or inspiring!
When you repeatedly tell the man you are dating or in a relationship with what you think he is doing wrong, how that makes you feel, and what he needs to differently, it can be difficult for him to actually hear what you’re feeling or what you want. All he hears is what a disappointment he is. And, since men see themselves through the eyes of the women they love, the message that comes through loud and clear is that he’s not capable of pleasing you, which, by the way, is at the top of a good man’s list! This can cause him to want to stop trying.
So, what can you do to say what how you are feeling without tearing him down?
Vent with someone else before you share how you feel.
It can be difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling hurt. Sometimes, it feels like there’s an immediate trigger that goes off! Holding in or ignoring your feelings is not a good idea, but neither is saying or doing something you’re most likely going to regret. Instead of going off on him in a moment of rage, call someone you trust and who you know will listen without judging or gossiping, and share your feelings with her. After letting everything out, you may find that you’re able to think and express what you’re feeling more clearly and without resorting to blaming or making him wrong.
Focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did.
Leading with how you’re feeling, rather than with trying to blame or make him feel guilty will make it more likely that he’ll be able to hear how you are feeling, rather than feel the need to defend his actions.
So, instead of saying something like, “You always put your job and other people before me! I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter!” you could say, “I miss spending time with you.”
Rather than saying, “I feel so angry when you forget to call me during the day,” you could say, “I really like when you take the time to call me during the day. It makes me smile to know that you’re thinking about me.”
Expressing yourself this way takes a lot more vulnerability than striking in anger, which can feel scary. But, again, it’s a lot more likely that he’ll be able to actually hear what you are saying when he’s not feeling like he needs to defend himself.
Let go of any expectations regarding how he’ll respond.
Sometimes we hold back on sharing our feelings and desires because we think we already know how he’s going to respond and we’re afraid of what his reaction will be. Again, ignoring your feelings is not healthy, and it should feel safe to share what you’re feeling with the man you love. So, once you’ve processed your feelings with someone else and you are able to express them clearly and purely – without blame – let go of any expectations regarding how he will or should respond. How or whether he chooses to respond is out of your control, but how and what you choose to say isn’t. If you choose to follow the steps above, it’s likely that the response is more likely to be tender and understanding when he can see that he’s not being “punished” or attacked.
Sharing and expressing our feelings is an important part of being in a relationship, and when we can do that without casting blame, shame, or guilt on our partner, we’re on the path to making that relationship the loving, peaceful, intimate partnership our hearts truly desire!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 16, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Unconditional love.” It’s a phrase used often when people are asked to describe what type of love they’d like to experience or what their definition of “true love” is. The truth is, however, that many of us can tend to be very conditional when it comes to giving and receiving love. We have so many expectations about what love should look like — how it should be demonstrated, and how the other person needs to prove their love for us.
When love is truly unconditional, it means that there are no expectations or rules regarding how it must be given. This means that there wouldn’t be any “formulas” or ultimatums regarding the love, like “If he really loves me, then he would ____ .” The moment we begin to set rules, requirements, and conditions that the love and affection must meet, we have turned our desire for love into an obligation that must be met.
Rather than requiring that love look, sound, or be demonstrated in a particular way, be open and willing to receive the love that is being sent your way. Rather than looking through the lens of it not being “good enough,” receive it graciously, allow yourself feel it and be grateful for it, and then express your gratitude.
And when it comes to giving love to another, it’s also important to let go of the expectations and conditions under which you will demonstrate and give your love. So many times we withhold love, appreciation, and forgiveness, using the withdrawal and absence of our love as a “punishment.” The moment we have the thought that we are not going to show him our love until he says or does something, we are being conditional with our love.
Granted, to be able to give and receive love freely, it’s important that you know that you are in a relationship someone who is good for you – someone who is not cheating on or putting you in any type of physical or emotional danger. Those types of “requirements” are about loving and putting yourself safety and self-care first. But outside of any real physical or emotional danger, if you are with a man who cares for you and gives you the experience of being loved, then there’s absolutely no greater gift that you can give him than accepting him, loving him freely, and receiving the love he gives to you willingly, graciously, and open-heartedly! And the best part about this gift is that being the giver is almost as wonderful as being the recipient!
So, go ahead! Love fully! Love unconditionally!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Aug 13, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.”
~ William Durant
I posted this quote on our Facebook page over the weekend, and it really stuck with me. How many times in our lives do we use the mistakes and failures of the past to keep us stuck where we are? We’ll replay past conversations (or arguments), choices we made, things that we did (or didn’t do) over and over in our heads, continuously making ourselves wrong for what we did back then. However, we’re also using this as an excuse to not move ahead and make a different choice now.
The truth is that if you’re human, you’ve made at least one mistake in the past 24 hours. So, when it comes to love, what would have us believe that we need to be infallible, incapable of making a mistake now and again? And what would make us believe that we are incapable of making different choices, knowing what we know now?
Part of it may be that we’ve seen patterns repeated in our lives. Perhaps there’s been a pattern of choosing men who were not faithful or ready to commit to us. Maybe we’ve made and broken promises to be more respectful and less harsh in our actions and words toward the men we love. Or maybe the promises we’ve broken have been those we’ve made to ourselves – about finally making a commitment to doing whatever it takes to have the relationship of our dreams, or about giving up the fear that has kept us feeling stuck and alone and having the courage to go out there and date or walk up to our beloved and ask for forgiveness.
Whatever it is that has been keeping you stuck in the past – whatever failures, mistakes, or regrets you’ve been holding onto – it’s time to let them go. It’s time to forgive yourself, him, them, and everything else you’ve been making wrong, and just make a choice now to create a brand new start!
So what will you do to create a new start in your love life?
Will you finally let go of resentment and forgive yourself or others?
Will you give up the pride that’s been keeping you stuck and ask for forgiveness?
Will you put your profile up on dating site and just open up to the possibility of attracting new love?
Will you recommit yourself to the relationship you’re in and begin making the changes that will reignite the love that’s begun to fade?
Will you begin working with a relationship coach who can help you identify the fears and patterns holding you back so that you can break free from them and finally start living the life and the love your heart desires? If you’re ready, you’ll want to check out the Create Your Love Story coaching program that is helping women transform their love lives!
Whatever it is that you’re ready to do to breathe life into your love life and relationships, choose one thing you are going to do and do it now!
And let me know what that is in the comments below, because I’d love to hear what it is and support you in any way I can!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Aug 9, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
As women, we don’t always realize the incredible power we have to create the types of relationships we long to experience. It’s easy to look outside of ourselves – perhaps to the history in our families around relationships, to what the world and media outlets are saying is possible, to other people (mainly men) that we can blame – to explain or justify why we are not experiencing what we want in our love lives and relationships.
What takes courage and vulnerability is the willingness to turn the mirror around and look within. It takes courage because, acknowledging that I am the one who can create a change in my life – that I have the power to do that – means that I have to take responsibility for why my relationship and my life don’t look the way I want them to. It means acknowledging where I might need to make some changes, let go of trying to control things, and create space in my life for the love, laughter, peace, and miracles I want to see, feel, and live!
As I shared with someone earlier this week, when I am willing to be responsible for the role I’ve played in my life and my relationship looking the way they do, then I can also take the credit for having made the changes necessary to turn them around! Now, that’s empowering!
As empowering as it is, it’s not always “easy” to take on being responsible and making the changes that will make a difference. And it also doesn’t make it any less scary. There will be a part of us that will wonder or doubt whether the changes will really make a difference. And it can be tempting to have that fear and doubt talk us out of taking action.
For example, a single woman may wonder if giving up her checklist of necessary requirements a man “must” meet in order to date her will mean that she’ll have to settle for someone she’s not interested in or attracted to. Unless her belief that she can have the relationship of her dreams with a man who is interesting, to whom she’s attracted, and who treats her like the goddess she is becomes bigger than her fear, she’ll make the fear and doubt the reasons why she can’t give up the checklist. And she may be cheating herself out of experiencing the very relationship she says she wants.
If a married woman feels that her marriage has lost the romance, that there’s no more friendship or passion, and all that’s left is an amicable roommate-type of relationship, she may wonder whether being more appreciative, more vulnerable, and inviting some romance back into the relationship and the bedroom will work. After all… it’s been years since she felt butterflies in her stomach and gotten goosebumps when he touches or looks at her that way. Allowing herself to be vulnerable also means taking a risk, not knowing how he’ll respond or whether he’ll be interested in having things change. So, unless her belief that she can experience love, passion, and romance again with the man she promised to love forever is bigger than her fear of possibly having her efforts rejected, the fears and doubts will have her cheat herself out of experiencing the very intimacy she longs for.
So, to begin choosing your heart’s desires over your fears:
- Acknowledge what your heart desires. Write it down. Describe how your dream relationship feels. What is the experience of being in that relationship like?
- Notice the fears and doubts that come up as you are describing your dream relationship. What types of thoughts creep into your mind?
- Choose to honor your heart’s desires over your fears. Acknowledge the fears and doubts, and choose to take an action that’s aligned with the type of relationship you want to have, anyway!
It simply comes down to choice. You can choose your fears and doubts, or you can choose to honor your heart’s desires. You can choose to avoid taking a risk, or you can choose to put your heart on the line and allow yourself the opportunity to be pleasantly surprised. You can choose to talk about wanting a happy, loving, intimate relationship, or you can create one. You can choose to allow things to stay the way they are and pretend like you don’t have the power to change them, or you can begin taking the steps to transform them.
The choice, as with anything else, is always up to you.
The real question is: Will you choose to step into your power to create the relationship and the life your heart desires?
If you’re ready to choose your happiness, your dreams, and your heart desires and you’d like support in making them come true, then take a few moments to learn more about how you can begin putting that choice into action today!
Click here to learn more!
This is your life and your happiness we’re talking about! It’s time to choose YOU!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 30, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
A resounding theme keeps popping up in my Inbox, conversations with clients, and even on TV shows. The theme is courage.
Any time we want to create something new in our lives – whether it’s transitioning to a new career, moving to a new home, or taking on a new goal or lifestyle – there will be fears that come up. And the thought of starting a new relationship or restoring the intimacy in an existing relationship is no exception. In fact, contemplating the possibility of letting love into our lives and hearts can be one of the most terrifying experiences we can have.
Why?
Well, because of our past. Most of us have experienced some type of disappointment and heartache as a result of having allowed ourselves to love someone. Sometimes the pain is a result of a betrayal, of poor timing, having fallen for someone who simply wasn’t right for us, or not having had the knowledge or awareness of how to make things work.
One of the first things we do when we begin working with clients is to help them see how their fears are actually causing them to reject and block the possibility of experiencing love. We do a series of exercises where we help the person identify the fears, resentments, and regrets, and guide her through letting releasing and letting go of them so that she is able to create a space where love is able to flow freely to, through, and from her. If you were on the “Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams” Teleclass, you experienced the power of this exercise for yourself!
It’s only when we release the heaviness of all of disempowering thoughts and negative beliefs from the past that we can feel free to let love in, here and now.
Are you ready to let love in? If so, ask yourself:
- Am I willing to let go of resentment? Is there a person (or persons) in your life who hurt, disappointed and/or betrayed you toward whom you’ve been holding onto the anger, pain, and resentment? Are you willing to let that go?
- Am I willing to face my fears and not allow them to choose for me? Too often, we’re allowing the fear of getting hurt again choose whether or not we’re willing to open up our hearts. Unless we identify the fear as just a thought and not what’s actually happening right now, we will cheat ourselves out of the experience of loving and being loved.
- Am I willing to let go of regrets? Perhaps one of the hardest people to forgive is ourselves. We blame ourselves and make ourselves wrong for having said or done the wrong thing – or for not having said or done the right thing. We punish ourselves by replaying our mistakes over and over again. We create a story that we “deserve” to be alone or unhappy. And we do this to protect ourselves, because as uncomfortable and lonely as it may be, at least we’re not risking our hearts again.
Maybe we did make some mistakes along the way. Perhaps we could have said or done something differently. However, it’s also possible that lessons were learned and that we simply didn’t have the knowledge, skills, and awareness necessary to make different choices.
One of the best ways to gain new knowledge and skills and heighten your level of awareness is to work with a coach. Every time I’ve invested in working with a coach, I have been able to completely transform different areas of my life. Whether it’s been learning how to create a healthier lifestyle, causing breakthroughs in my personal and spiritual life, or creating growth in my business, I can trace the changes and results to my working directly with a coach to help make that happen.
This is why I believe so strongly in the power of coaching and why I’ve opened the doors to a new coaching and mentoring program that is going to provide you with the skills, insights, and practices that are going to help you create the type of relationship your heart desires. I’m not talking about a program where you learn a bunch of cute and fun “dating tips” and strategies for getting a man to fall in love with you.
I’m talking about a partnership where you and I work together to break down the walls that have been stopping you from attracting the love that you want and being to put into practice the skills that will help you create a meaningful, fulfilling, loving, and intimate relationship with a man that lasts for a lifetime.
If you are ready to make a commitment to yourself and do the work that it takes to create new love or restore the love and intimacy that has been lost in your relationship, the Create Your Love Story program will provide you with the support, mentorship, and results you have been searching for.
Don’t allow your fears to stop you from actually living in the relationship you wish, pray and dream of. That dream is in your heart for a reason. You were created to love and be loved.
Now it’s time to get out of your own way and begin to completely transform your life and your experience of dating and relationships.
If you’re ready to begin, I’m ready to work with you! Click here to begin creating your love story today!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jul 19, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance, Sex
by Gladys Diaz
Last Sunday, my husband and I celebrated our 13th Wedding Anniversary! To celebrate, he whisked me away for a long weekend at the beach. I have to say that I was like an expectant bride all week long. The idea of having four whole days away, just the two of us, was so exciting! I had butterflies in my stomach, could barely concentrate, and kept imagining what four days of no schedules and interruptions would look like!
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love our boys, I love being a mom, and I love the time we spend together as a family. I also love seeing my husband with the boys, because he’s such a great dad. But, I also want to have time to spend with my husband. I like the idea of being a couple.
Having those days together, walking on the boardwalk, sitting on the shore and listening to the sound of the waves, sharing a romantic meal, making out and making love whenever we wanted – it was like we used to be in the beginning, where everything was new and it was like we were the only 2 people in the world! I learned things about my husband that I never knew in our 14 years together. It was exciting to know that there is still so much to discover about one another!
As mothers, we have a responsibility to our kids, but we’re also women who are wives and lovers. And, while we may not be able to go away with our husbands every weekend, there are ways that we can continue making “we time” a priority.
1. Have regular date nights. Whether it’s once a week or twice a month, make time to spend time alone together, free of distractions and interruptions. Actually designate and schedule the days or nights when you’ll make time to have a date. To make it fun, take turns planning the dates. Some couples even make a game of trying to out-do one another. But, if doing that becomes stressful and not fun, forget about it and read the next tip! The idea is to enjoy the time you’re spending with each other.
2. Keep it simple. If budget is an issue and you can’t afford to get baby sitters and go out often, have a date night in. After putting the kids to bed, make or order in a nice dinner, or share a special desert. Turn off the TV and smart phones, and just be with one another. Play a board game (be creative about how to make it romantic!), build a puzzle together, or do something else that allows you time to talk and connect. And remember to smile and flirt with him! He still likes that!
3. Make it about the two of you. We all live busy lives, so it may be tempting to start talking about bills, the kids, and household decisions that need to be made when we finally get some uninterrupted time together. However, this is also a great time to really connect with one another. Talk about your goals and dreams. Take time to express how grateful you are to have him in your life and give yourself permission to be mushy!
4. Let go of expectations. You may have a certain picture in your mind about what a “perfect romantic date” should be. If you husband plans something that’s not as exciting or romantic as you would have liked, don’t allow your unmet expectations to cheat you out of enjoying your time together. Just receive his time and attention and appreciate the time you have together. You can always plan something different when it’s your turn to plan the date.
5. Stay present. It’s easy to let our minds wander off when we’re not focused on being present. If you find your mind wandering off, take a nice deep breath, allow yourself to see, hear, and feel where you are and what is around you, and bring yourself back to the present. Sometimes, I actually tell myself, “Where am I? I’m in a restaurant. I’m having a great glass of wine. I hear the soft music in the background. I’m sitting across from the man I love!” This helps me to bring myself back to where I really want to be!
6. Get physical. Whether it’s holding hands, making out, or making one of those board games interesting by coming up with your own sexy rules (wink, wink), make time physical touch. Hugging, touching, kissing, and making love are an important part of marriage. It’s what makes a romantic relationship different from a friendship. So definitely make physical touch a part of your “we time” experience.
If the physical side of your relationship has begun to fizzle or one of you is struggling with making physical intimacy part of the relationship again, keep it fun and light. There are card and board games, coupons, and rolling die that include playful activities that are fun and don’t necessarily involve having intercourse. Focus on other types of touch that may feel more comfortable at first, like hand-holding or a back rub. The important thing is to not have the expectation of having sex seem like an obligation for either one of you. The more you begin to connect, the more likely it is that the other types of intimacy will begin to resurface.
Being parents is part of our relationship as husband and wife, but, before there were kids, there was a couple that loved and couldn’t wait to spend time with one another. Being intentional about having “we time” can help us keep the love, laughter, and romance alive in our relationships, which will make us happier parents, too!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
