by Gladys Diaz
I recently split from my man after a three year relationship. It has been very difficult for me to move on, even though he was cheating on line with a woman from his past. Over twenty years ago he had relations with this woman and a child that passed away. He had told me that she was responsible for the death and he would gain her trust to avenge the death of his daughter. I was amazed that he would tell me this and then pursue a legitimate relationship with this woman, even though she lives across the country from him.
I know this was an unhealthy relationship for me and I need to move on, but I’m guessing, that because of the rejection, I feel the need for a different ending for closure. Please give me advice on how to move on for me. No man should be the motivation for a brighter future.
I know that ending a long-term relationship is never something that is easy to do, even when all of the signs are clear that this was not a healthy relationship. I can hear that you are hurt by the betrayal, which is completely understandable. I’m also concerned that you stayed in a relationship with him, even after he mentioned that he was planning to gain this woman’s trust so that he could avenge his daughter’s death. The first thing I thought when I read that sentence was that that type of comment would have set off red flags, whistles and sirens for me regarding whether or not he was someone I could trust. He was practically letting you know that he’s someone who couldn’t be trusted.
Now, perhaps he said that in a moment of pain or distress over the loss of his daughter. I don’t know, nor do I want to begin trying to analyze the authenticity of his statement. My main concern lies with you and helping you move past this so that you can experience the healthy, happy relationship you deserve!
There is a really powerful statement you made that is at the heart of the pain you are experiencing. You wrote:
I feel the need for a different ending for closure.
The problem with this is that you want something different from what actually happened to happen, which is impossible. The fact is he was communicating with the woman he told you he was angry and blamed for the death of his daughter. Unless they were seeing each other, there wasn’t an actual affair taking place. That being said, I can still see where it would hurt you to find out that he may have been emotionally connecting with someone else. For all you know, this was part of his plan to gain her trust (based on what he said to you earlier). But the fact is that you found out about their communication and this is why the relationship ended.
Most of the time, when we are upset about something, it’s not so much that we’re upset about what happened or what is happening. The upset comes from wanting the situation to be different from what it is. And, because that is impossible – things are the way they are and they are not the way they’re not – we cause ourselves unnecessary worry, anxiety, and frustration. We keep replaying all the other ways it could have been or should have been. However, the situation remains what it is, and no amount of wanting or wishing that it were different is going to change that.
Another thing that causes us to feel pain and regret is that, while it seems that we are angry and upset at the other person for what he or she did, we’re actually upset with ourselves. We’re upset that we didn’t see or chose not to see the signs. We regret having invested so much time in a relationship that didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. And we hold on to that upset and regret so that we don’t have to be responsible for moving forward, because there’s a risk that we might get hurt again.
So, what can you do move past this relationship so that you can open your heart to one that fulfills and honors you?
- Accept what’s happened. The first step to moving forward is going to need to be to accept that what happened, happened. Accepting what’s happened does not mean that you agree with, condone, or celebrate it. It simply means that you acknowledge that it is what happened and that wanting and wishing it to be any other way does not change what actually happened, nor does is serve you.
- Let go of regret. Are there things that you have been replaying in your mind? Things you should or shouldn’t have said or done? Mistakes or decisions you wish you’d made or hadn’t made? Actions you wish you’d said or not said? Are you regretting having spent 3 years with someone, only to have things not work out? Let go of anything that has been keeping you stuck in the wishing that things were different than the way they are.
- Forgive. While your ex may be someone you want to consider forgiving, just so that you can experience peace from anger, upset and regret, I invite you to begin by forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for anything for which you have been blaming or making yourself wrong. If there are any regrets you didn’t let go of in the second step, or if some anger or resentment happens to come up again, accept, let go, and forgive yourself (or him) for it. Bringing love and compassion to yourself will make it much easier for you to begin to open your heart so that you can receive it from another.
And you’re right. No man should be a motivation for a brighter future. The only thing that truly results in transforming ourselves and our lives is actually inspiration, because it’s motivation that comes from within. Bring acceptance to this situation; let go of all of the pain and suffering you’ve been holding on to; and bring love and compassion to yourself. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be on the path to having the love and the life that your heart truly desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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Forgiving your Self is probably the hardest part of all. I know it took me a VERY long time to understand this concept. I still have not fully forgiven my Self for some things. But I work on it. And eventually I will be forgiven. Thanks for giving us such solid advice, Gladys!!!
Pamela:
Thanks for being so vulnerable in sharing your comments. I invite you to look at what would have you hold on to that little part of un-forgiveness. Look at that thing you haven’t fully forgiven yourself for and just let it go. It’s already happened. It’s done. Let it go and allow the peace and love that’s been waiting to fill your being flow in, to, and through you! Let me know if you’d like someone to walk through it with you! <3
I would imagine “letting go” would be the toughest to do. I can have thoughts of a prior relationship or suitor encounter just pop up in my mind out of nowhere and I find myself rehashing how I felt I should have acted. I’m wondering how one would overcome this. Actually, what would be interesting to know is that why does this ‘re occurrence’ happen to someone? Thank you for all you do!
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Kristin:
You’re welcome! 🙂
I don’t think it’s uncommon for us to think about what we could have done differently in a past relationship. As for what triggers a sudden memory, I’m not an expert, but I know that there are so many factors — a scent, sound, image — that can trigger parts of our brains to remember something as if it were actually happening, giving us similar feelings and sensations to the ones we originally felt.
My advice would be not to resist the memory or thought or make it “wrong” in any way. It’s possible that its just a neural pattern firing off and the moment will pass. 🙂 As for rehashing what could have been done differently, if you’re making yourself wrong about what happened, I invite you to see if there is anything you can bring to the memory that would help you to let it go. Perhaps gratitude for the experience — or, at the very least, the lessons that were learned — and then let it go. Resisting it will only make it stronger, but making yourself feel badly about something that’s already happened will not change it, so it’s always best to bring some light and love to the memory so that it can serve you as you move forward!
Hope this helps!
All this makes perfect sense but the problem I have is actually letting go. I have accepted the situation and I think I’ve forgiven him and myself. I guess after 7 years of being loved so much by a man the sudden change in him is just too much. I can’t stop feeling that he will figure himself out and we will be able to start over again. Especially when he tells me he knows hes making the biggest mistake of his life and says he doesnt want to not have me in his life. Letting him go to make his mistakes is the hardest part even though he’s living a great life with me on the side now while he has the witch he cheated on me with in the dark that he never stopped seeing me. He is definately not the same man I loved for 7 years. I don’t know how long he can keep lying to her and himself as he wasnt ever that kind of man.
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Letting go is the hardest part, because it means that you would actually have to make the choice to move on, instead of waiting for him to change his mind and come back. Basically, by holding on and being willing to be the woman he sees on the side while you wait to see whether or not he sorts himself out, you’re not taking responsibility for your own life or happiness. You have given him all of the power. And, while he may tell you he’s making the biggest mistake of his life and that he’s doesn’t want to lose you, you’ve made it very easy for him not to make another choice because he doesn’t really have to. He gets to be with both of you and he doesn’t have to make any choices at all.
I know you love him and that the idea of living without him hurts and terrifies you. But you said it yourself. This isn’t the man who made you feel so loved and with whom you were choosing to share your heart. And it sounds to me like this isn’t the type of relationship you want to have. We teach others how to treat us. Staying, holding on, and being unwilling to stand for the type of love you want to experience is only sending the message that you’re okay with being on the side. If you don’t love yourself enough to let to of something that is not what your heart desires, how can you expect him to love you enough to choose you and only you? This is your life and your happiness. You have to be willing to make the choice that best serves you.
I know thats very true. I do need to let him go. He has never seen what it would be like without me in his life. I suppose if I did stop seeing him and being his sounding board when he chose it would make me feel more in control. I was happy without him. I can be happy again.. Thank you Gladys, I really appreciate your advice.
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You’re welcome, Lisa, and I acknowledge you for having the courage to let go of what no longer serves and fulfills you. Many times, it’s in letting go of what no longer serves us that we get exactly what our hearts desire. Whether it’s with him or not, believe that the love and happiness you desire and deserve are waiting for you! <3
Oh I don’t know if my partner is in the same mindset as Lisa’s. He is very independent, has been single for nearly 40 years. Very career oriented and has the idea of lovers don’t always do things together. We have been together for nearly 5 years, never lived together and have been living apart in different countries for 2 years. I am 49 divorced for many years. He is 57 has never been married, had a uncommitted relationship for 10 years and another 8 years alone before he met me. He is my only one after my ex. He always avoid serious talks. Questions such as “do you love me or are you committed” would never be answered straight away. Obviously he is either in the old boy’s habit of non committal and admitting love is a sign of weakness or afraid of be controlled by being in love with someone… or he really doesn’t love me. He want to be with me and had never looking for other woman. When I broke up with him, he was the one who seems devastated and very depressed. I respect him and want to understand him without judgement, I mean I do not want to wrong him and tried to understand his idea or fears (he had never admitted but I can tell). I want to know if I should wait long enough for him to finally realise that he can trust me and I am the one who would support him… or should I just look at all there was in the past, acknowledge it and move on. I will be sad for him to lose me more then for myself to break up with him, because I am happy with or without him and I know I will be alright.
HI Gladys & Michelle,
These are great words and they are nice to hear. It’s nice knowing not in the wrong for acknowledging the anger and resentment, but also the love I felt and still feel for my ex. The hardest part is while I understand everything you’ve said here I can’t seem to just let go and forget. I feel like he’s always at the forefront of my thoughts and feelings and just about everything I do I still associate to him because of the loneliness I feel at the lack of closure I have from how he ended our relationship.
Breaking up always hurts at any level. However, being broken up with because he cheated and then I offered forgiveness, he rejected and he leaves over the phone without giving me the chance to express my feelings and pain over losing him and losing my step daughter is something that I just don’t know how to move on from. Not to mention how do I forgive myself and stop looking for validation when the ex moves on pretty much immediately (literally a week) after he drops me.
In short I hear your advice, but i can’t seem to see it or find a way to feel it in myself.
Help 🙁
Melisa,
Right now, the pain is still very fresh for you, and there is some work to do around releasing the pain. The question to ask yourself is whether holding onto the anger and resentment is serving you? Is it leaving you empowered, or disempowered? Is it making any difference with regard to the situation?
What would it feel like, just for a moment, to be free of the anger, resentment and pain. To acknowledge that, yes, this happened and it hurt, but that you will no longer allow that pain, the situation, and his choice to define you and determine your happiness?
Letting go takes courage. I acknowledge you for even trying to work through all of this on your own. If you want help and support, please reach out to us, and we’ll set up a time to do some of the healing work together. It’s painful, and it feels challenging right now, but it is possible to come out even happier, stronger, and free on the other side! Sending you lots of love! <3