by heartsdesireintl | Feb 11, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
There are few experiences in life that allow two people to connect on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level as they do when they are making love to one another.
Physical attraction is often referred to as “having chemistry.” This is actually an accurate scientific term when you consider the fact that both men and women release a series of hormones during and after having sex and climaxing, including serotonin and oxytocin – also known as “the bonding hormone” – which is the same hormone mothers release while nursing and creates a bond between the mother and child. What many people don’t know is that, while men are at the effect of oxytocin for a few hours, women can be at the effect of it for several days, which is why many women feel more bonded to a man after having had sex (a.k.a. “the clinging effect”!).
This is also why some women rush into having sex with or becoming physically intimate with a man in other ways long before they are emotionally ready to do so. In an attempt to create a feeling of connection and intimacy with a man they are getting to know and are very attracted to, they may give in to the physical attraction and desires and experience a false sense of connection to him on an emotional and/or spiritual level. If the man is not ready to commit or to at least agree to date her exclusively, she is then left feeling used, unfulfilled, and disappointed.
There is no question that when we begin to really like someone, our minds have a tendency to float into the possible future of what might happen, should things work out. We want so much to experience the feeling of being loved, cherished, and desired that it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that there are emotional consequences to moving too quickly or trying to force something to happen before we really know the person. And, many times, a woman can be quicker and more willing to get in bed with someone to create this connection than she is to be emotionally vulnerable and allow him to see who she really is – all of who she really is. This decision has tremendous consequences and can lead to having a string of lovers, but never truly experiencing the different phases of a real relationship, which is what her heart truly desires.
So, what are some steps women can take to protect themselves from causing and experiencing unnecessary heartache due to having sex with someone prematurely?
1. Know what you really want. If you know that what you want is to be in a loving, committed relationship, then stand for that. Before you allow things to get too hot and heavy (because, let’s face it, these things never “just happen” — they build up), then honor that for yourself. Don’t make the guy responsible for honoring that. He wanted to have sex with you the moment he winked at you online or walked over to you and started a conversation. You’re responsible for creating the life and relationship you want, so stand for that!
2. Really get to know someone before getting sexually intimate with him. Yes, I know it’s 2013 and not 1913. And, yes, I know it seems old-fashioned to tell someone that you’d like to wait before having sex, but this is your life and your heart we’re talking about. If you know that sleeping with someone makes you feel connected to him emotionally, then just honor your desire to be in a committed relationship with someone before sleeping with him.
3. You don’t have to “lay down the law,” just don’t lay down with him! Don’t worry about telling him that you won’t have sex on the first, third, or sixth date in an effort to make sure he doesn’t try anything (P.S. He’s going to try. Don’t take it personally, or take it as a compliment. Just know he’s going to try!). This isn’t a topic that needs to be brought up ahead of time or in an effort to stop his advances. When the situation arises, and before things gets out of hand, just let him know that you prefer to wait until you’re in a committed relationship. That doesn’t mean he has to ask you to be his girlfriend or make a commitment to you. He gets to choose, just as you do. But let him know you’d like to wait… and then avoid putting yourself in a situation where you won’t.
As modern an age as we live in, most women still want to be in a loving, committed relationship with a man who chooses them and only them. If that’s what your heart truly desires, then own, embrace, and stand for that. Just as sleeping with a man won’t make him commit to you, choosing to wait to sleep with a man won’t make him leave you. And if a guy does choose to leave you because you say that you prefer to wait, be grateful that you learned of his willingness to commit to you early on in the relationship. The bottom line is that you get to create the relationship of your dreams. And you’ve got to be willing to stand for that and know that, not only are you deserving of all the love and intimacy your heart desires, but you are also worth the wait!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 8, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
For years, I put everything and everyone else’s needs ahead of my own. A part of me felt proud when I would go to work, burning up in fever, sacrifice what I wanted so that someone else could have what they wanted, and rarely ever said what I wanted, so as not to seem selfish.
Some people might describe this as being “loving,” and, to a certain extent, they are probably right. I was being very loving and generous with everyone… except myself. Then I started realizing that, in order to be able to give love, I was going to have to begin with me. I could not continue running on fumes and expecting to be the type of wife, mother, and woman I strive to be.
So I began practicing self-care… and lots of it. I began doing the things that I’d stopped doing somewhere along the line – those things that made me happy and brought me peace of mind, body, and spirit. I began reading – not for work, but for the fun of it. I began knitting and making jewelry because I love arts and crafts. I began taking courses that interested me and helped me grow spiritually and personally. I began taking bubble baths, slathering myself in lotion, and getting pedicures. And most of all, I began feeling like me again!
Now, before I give you the impression that I live a life of total leisure, I’ll let you know that I own my own business, do freelance work on top of that on the side, have two very active little boys, and do my own cooking and cleaning. I’ve just learned that I have to make myself a priority if I’m going to be able to have the patience it takes to create the kind of home, marriage, family, and career that I want!
So, how do I manage to get it all in? I plan for it! Here’s how you can, too!
1. Make a list of the things that make your heart sing.
- Include the things you used to do before you “grew up.” Did you like dancing? Did you play a sport? Did you enjoy drawing, singing, or another form of creative expression?
- Include things you like to do alone and the things you enjoy doing with your friends and family.
- Include things that make you feel soft, feminine, refreshed, and recharged, like massages, facials, lotions, doing your nails, etc.
Don’t worry about how “practical, realistic, or affordable it is for you to do this right now. Just have fun making the list!
2. Schedule time to take care of you. We are all super busy. If we begin trying to fit self-care in, I guarantee you it will be one of the first things to fall off of our very full plates. So, schedule your self-care time. You don’t have to set aside hours. Sometimes just 10 minutes of doing something you enjoy is enough to make you feel like yourself again!
3. Begin to notice the changes in you and around you. When you begin putting yourself first, you will start noticing how other people respond to you differently? Why? Because, when you’re not a stressed out, frazzled mess, you appear more peaceful, happy, and attractive. You also send a message that you care about and hold yourself in high esteem. So, don’t be surprised if you begin getting more compliments and if others, including your partner, begin helping you find ways to make sure you get your self-care in!
Taking care of ourselves is a way of loving ourselves. And there are so many different ways we can bring love to ourselves every day! For more ideas and to begin a 30-day journey to discovering self-love, read our book, 30 Days and 30 Ways to Fall In Love with YOU! In it you will find over 30 ways to love yourself and attract more love into your life! After all, the most meaningful and lasting relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhoto.net
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 1, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
By Gladys Diaz
The other day I received some news that knocked the wind out of my sails. Something I’d had my heart set on tell through, and I was devastated. Usually, I can handle difficult news pretty well, but I can honestly say I fell apart.
To make matters worse, my husband was out of town and I couldn’t just run to him and tell him what happened. He called right smack in the middle of my meltdown, and I could barely understand what I was telling him. But he listened. And that’s what I needed.
Now, after he listened, he did try to make me feel better by telling me it was probably for the best, that I’m strong, and that I’d be okay.
In the past, I would have gotten upset that he kicked into “fix-it mode.” However, I’ve learned a few things about men that kept me from telling him to stop trying to fix it!
Men want to please, provide for, and protect us!
1. Men Want to please us. Nothing makes a man happier than to know that he had something to do with the smile on the face of the woman he loves! There is an inherent desire in a man to want to please a woman, which works out great for us, since we enjoy being cherished and adored! This is why it’s important to let your man know what you like and want. Not because he then has to do it, but because it sets him up to win!
2. Men want to provide for us. Since the beginning of history, me. Have been hunters and gatherers. Their role has always been to provide for the tribe. This is why We coach women to avoid reaching for their wallets at the end of dinner or offer to pay their way if a man has made no mention of it. It’s not that we are gold diggers. It’s that, if a man has asked us out and he hasn’t mentioned going Dutch, then we trust that he has it handled. He’s figured out how where he wants to take us and how he’ll pay for it. We don’t have to question his ability to take care of us by offering to “help” him.
3. Men want to protect us. Now, before all my fellow feminists go up in arms, let me explain. I’m not insinuating that we need a man’s protection or that we can’t take care of ourselves. What I am saying is that men like to know that, if it’s within their power to do so, they can avoid having us feel hurt — either physically or emotionally. This is what has them kick into “fix-it mode” when we’re upset because we had an argument with a friend, we’re venting about our boss being unfair, or we tell him about how much we are getting charged for a repair he feels he can do himself. If he is able, a good man will do everything in his power to make sure you feel safe.
So, the next time a guy surprises you by giving you something you just happened to mention in passing, proudly reaches for his wallet when the bill gets to the table, or tells you what you need to tell your boss the next time he speaks to you like that in front of everyone, just know that you’re giving him exactly what he wants: the opportunity to please, provide for, and protect you!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 28, 2013 | Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
By Gladys Diaz
I love it when my husband pulls my chair out for me, gives me his jacket when I’m cold, and walks around the car to open my door. I love that we still dance in the kitchen (sometimes to no music at all), that we love to gross our kids out by smooching all the time (as you can see in the picture above), and that he can still make me laugh until I can’t catch my breath. I love watching him work out, catching him staring at me (or my butt), and when we look across a room at each other and connect, as if no one else there.
And I love that it’s still this way and I still feel like his girlfriend after almost 14 years! The fact is I love that I’m still dating my husband!
The phase of dating and courtship can be a fun and exciting. Getting to know someone new, going out and having a good time, and allowing him to shower you with time and attention makes the first stages of the love journey exhilarating. Unfortunately, many people believe that once you’re in a long-term relationship the fun begins to fizzle and the sex loses it sizzle.
The good news is that this does NOT have to be the case! In long-lasting relationships where both people are happy and still very much in-love, even after several years – and even decades – of marriage, you can bet that one of the main ingredient in that couple’s recipe for happiness includes FUN!
Now, don’t get me wrong. Great relationships don’t “just happen.” It’s not that some people are just “lucky.” It’s not about two people just “clicking” and everything just falling into place on its own. No. Great relationships take work, but the work doesn’t have to be “hard,” and it doesn’t even feel like work when you’re coming from the place of doing what it takes to keep your love alive.
So, what are some things we can do to keep the fun and love alive in our relationships?
- Remember. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. List out the qualities that you loved and admired. There’s a reason you chose to spend your life with him! If your relationship is in a stage right now where it’s hard to remember those times, take out old photo albums of when you were dating and let them jog your memory!
- Relive. Sometimes, a great way to relive and re-experience those moments you shared when you first started falling in love is to visit the places you visited in the beginning of the relationship – restaurants, vacation spots, the place where you shared your first kiss or where you made love for the first time. Go by yourselves on a date and relive the memories of those times together!
- Relish. It’s easy to fall into routines and begin to take things – even your spouse – for granted. Every day, take a moment to really be present with your spouse. Whether it’s stopping one another to hug in the hallway, making time to talk after the kids are in bed, or just holding one another before you get out of bed in the morning (we set our alarm 10 minutes early for snuggling time)or before you fall asleep at night. Relish those everyday moments – or, as I call them, “ordinary-extraordinary moments” – together. Allow yourself a few moments each day to feel and express the love and gratitude you feel for your spouse.
- Reignite. Yes, we have busy schedules and lots of responsibilities, but if we want our marriages to remain loving, exciting, and fun, then we’ll make time to be together and keep the love and fun alive. Make time for date nights, exercise and play together. And, yes, this includes having sex and making that fun, too! Wear something sexier than you normally would, dance for him, invite him into the tub or shower, and allow yourself to experience the delight of being desired and pleased by the man you love!
These are just a few tips that will help you experience love, fun, and happiness in your marriage over the years. We’ll be covering even more tips in the talk we’ll be presenting at HeartCamp titled, “Relationship FUNdamentals,” where you’ll learn what both men and women can do to make dating and relationships more fun! If you’re in the Miami area on February 2nd, you won’t want to miss it!
Having a relationship that not only stands the test of time, but in which both people are still happy to be together in the good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer is not about luck. It doesn’t just happen. And, while it is magical, it’s a magic that gets created day in and day out, moment by moment. This is your life. It’s your love story. Make it one you want to experience for a lifetime!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photo by Andrielle Photography
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 18, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
As a dating and relationship coach, I make a conscious effort every day to practice what I teach in my workshops, write about in my blog, and work through with my clients. It’s a daily commitment I’ve made to myself, my husband, and the women who depend on me to help them through some of the most difficult moments of their lives.
I remember when I first started making changes. Many times I felt mentally exhausted! It was as if I had to stop myself from completing a sentence repeatedly, because what I was about to say was condescending and disrespectful to my husband. I would have to really stop and think before saying something to make sure I wasn’t being manipulative or trying to get my way by using guilt, ultimatums, or demands, which were my preferred methods of making sure I got what I wanted. And I had to be hyper-vigilant about looking for reasons to express my gratitude or admiration to because I’d previously spent so much time focusing on what my husband wasn’t doing right or not “right enough.”
There were times when I wondered whether making all of these changes was worth the effort and whether he was even noticing the changes I was trying so hard to make. Part of me wanted to ask him, “Hey, have you noticed how nice I’m being to you now?” or “Did you see how I supported your decision, without giving you the 10 reasons that were in my head regarding how it just wouldn’t work?” or “Could you just throw me a bone and say something that lets me know you’re noticing that I’m really trying to make this work?”
I’m human, and my humanity was craving some acknowledgement or affirmation that the changes I was making were being noticed… and that they were working. But I didn’t say any of those things. I didn’t want his acknowledgment unless it came from him without it being coerced. I didn’t want to sabotage my efforts by announcing all of the incredible the changes I was making, because I also knew there were moments when I slipped back into past patterns and behaviors.
So I just kept changing – choosing to change – day after day. And it became easier. And I began to realize that, while I really wanted to take my marriage to a new level, I was making all of these changes for me. So, it really didn’t matter if he noticed or said anything. I was changing, growing, becoming more peaceful. And, to me, it was worth all of the effort.
Today I can honestly say that I rarely feel that mental exhaustion of having to think about what I am going to say or do ten times before I actually speak or act. I can say that respect flows much more easily from my mind to my mouth. And I can say that I have the type of marriage I always dreamed of – Actually, it’s even better than I imagined it could be!
And I also have to say that I’m not “perfect.” There are days when I tell him what he should do or say to someone at work, rather than trusting that he’s capable enough to handle the situation himself. There are times when I frantically go to from store to store looking for the shirt I think he’s not going to go buy, instead of trusting that he can handle it himself. There are nights when I snap at him if I’m overly tired and haven’t practiced good self-care that day (or in several days). There are moments when I just want my own way, and I get it, not thinking about whether it’s worth the intimacy it is going to cost me.
Nope. I’m not perfect by any means.
The good news is that having a happy marriage is NOT about perfection. Thank goodness, right?
It’s not about always saying and doing the “right” things. It’s not about never making a mistake. It’s not about always having the right answers. It’s not about never having to apologize. In fact, I’ve found that it’s quite the opposite.
Having a great marriage is about being willing to admit that you were wrong when you did make a mistake. It’s about being humble enough to ask for and being gracious enough to grant forgiveness. It’s about knowing that this love journey is being carried out by two imperfect individuals who are doing everything we can to try to get it “right” – to love and be loved, to be accepting of and accepted by one another.
And sometimes we do get it right – and it’s bliss! And other times we don’t – and that’s life. But as imperfect as we are, we recognize and love the fact that we are absolutely perfect for one another.
And that’s what makes the love journey worthwhile!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Ellipsis-Imagery via photopin.com cc
