by heartsdesireintl | Jan 14, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
One of the hardest things for me to do when I first started dating my husband was to stay present. See, from the very beginning I was really attracted to him and I felt as if I had known him my whole life. It just felt so easy to be myself with him.
This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t scared out of my mind, however. When I met my husband, I had been widowed for a little under a year. I had no intention of meeting anyone that night, and I certainly did not expect to meet the man I would marry a year later! I was unsure of myself, still healing from my loss, and positive that I would never really ever fall in love again.
And then life pleasantly surprised me!
As soon as we started talking, I felt he was someone I didn’t have to pretend with. He was so “real.” He didn’t seem to be trying to impress me (although he was), and we talked and talked about everything! Our first phone conversation lasted 7 hours!
And, even though things seemed to be going well, I was still terrified. He’d say something that would give me hope that maybe he was someone I could fall in love with again. Before you knew it, I was standing on a beach in an ivory-colored dress, declaring my love to him forever.
Or he’d say something that I didn’t like. And, all of a sudden, I would flash back into the past and remember an argument I’d had with my late husband or something that happened in my past that I did not want to repeat! Each time I fast-forwarded into the future or I hit the rewind button and blasted back into the past I was cheating myself out of experiencing and relishing in the present moment.
What I didn’t know then is how common this is among women. We are so afraid of “wasting our time,” getting hurt, or not ever finding the man who’s right for us, that we spend almost all of our time rewinding into the past (and comparing what’s happening not to it) or fast-forwarding to a future we have no way of knowing will come to pass.
And, all the while, we’re missing what’s actually happening here and now. We may either be ignoring the red flags that are warning us this isn’t the guy for us, or not paying attention to all of the ways that he is showing us that he may possibly be the right guy. In short, we cheat ourselves out of experiencing what is happening here and now, in the present.
So, what can women do to stay in the present moment when dating?
- Avoid asking questions and having conversations that are premature in nature. Many times, in our effort get reassurance from a man regarding of where the relationship is going and whether he’s “a keeper,” a woman will prematurely ask questions such as whether he plans to marry (or re-marry), have children (or more children), what his financial status is, and, later, where he thinks the relationship is headed. All of these things are important to know. However, they’re not the types of questions that necessarily need to be discussed on the first few dates. Similarly, asking him how he feels about you or whether he sees a future for the two of you, while obviously something you want to know, especially if you’ve been dating for a while, are conversations that are much more meaningful when they occur naturally in the course of going out together.
- Check in with ourselves to see how you are feeling when you’re with him. Rather than spending time wondering if he likes you, if he’s going to call, or if he’ll ask you out again, focus on how you’re feeling during the date. Do you like what you’re learning about him? Do you want to speak with him again? Would you like to go out with him again? Are you having a good time? Focusing on what’s going on inside of you will help you stay present-minded.
- Allow yourself to enjoy each stage of the relationship. Rather than trying to rush things to the next stage, allow the relationship to go at its own pace. Too many times, for example, women rush into having sex in an effort to make the relationship more intimate than they are at the time. Wondering and focusing on where the relationship is going can keep you from enjoying and appreciating what is happening right now. Instead, relax and relish in each moment you create and share together.
When we allow the relationship to unfold naturally, without trying to get him to tell us where he feels the relationship is headed or worrying about what he’s thinking or planning, we give ourselves permission to just be. Staying focused on the present moment, allows us to enjoy every step of the way toward creating the loving, tender, passionate relationship our hearts truly desire.
For a more in-depth conversation on what you can do to stay present, join the Intimacy Skills Training for Single Ladies on Tuesday, January 15th, at 9:00 p.m. EST/6:00 p.m. PST.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 11, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the scariest parts of dating and being in a relationship is the uncertainty of it all. Opening your heart to someone and letting them in to see who you truly are can be terrifying. Not knowing whether the person you are falling in love or already in love with will reciprocate the feelings you have for him or her is unsettling. This fear and discomfort keeps us from allowing ourselves to be truly vulnerable and authentic with someone else. Because, what if I give all of me – my heart, body, and spirit to this other person, and I only end up getting hurt?
It’s what keeps people from getting out and dating.
It’ what stops people from moving to the next step in a relationship.
It’s what has people stay in a relationship with someone that is not right for them.
It’s what has people look for everything that’s “wrong” or not going to work with the other person, and has them run in the other direction.
And, in a relationship, it’s what keeps someone from acknowledging that the relationship is not working and reaching out for help.
Fear is paralyzing in any area of our lives, but particularly when it comes to love. Why? Because love is an act of faith!
The fact is that there are no guarantees when it comes to love. There is no way to tell whether the person you’re on a first date with is going to be the one with whom you’ll walk down the aisle. There is no way of knowing whether the person you walk down the aisle with is the one with whom you will grow old. And there’s no way of knowing what the years in between will be like ahead of time.
So how does one muster up the courage to put her heart on the line? If love is so uncertain, is it worth it – worth taking the risk of getting hurt?
My answer? Absolutely!
The truth is that if everything was laid out for us and we knew exactly how it would turn out, we’d probably be bored out of our minds. While predictability can give us a sense of security, it also means we don’t have the opportunity to be in a space of wonder or pleasantly surprised and delighted by the one we love. And, if everything were already laid out and predestined, then we’d feel like we had no choice, no ability to choose and create what it is we want to for ourselves and our lives, and no power to turn things around when they aren’t going the way we’d like.
It’s the unpredictable nature of love and being in a romantic relationship that gives us something to hope for, look forward to, and dream about. It’s the fact that we have the power within us to attract, create, and experience the love our hearts desire that makes us feel like we have a say in how things will go when we focus on ourselves and what’s within our realm of control. And it’s all of the moments – the good and the not-so-good, combined – that allows us learn more about ourselves and the person we’re choosing to love so that together we can create our own unique love story – our very own masterpiece!
So, yes, I’d like to tell you that it’s all going to be easy, that everything is going to turn out exactly the way you want it to, and that you won’t ever have to experience another heartbreak or disappointment. I’d like to, but I can’t.
What I can tell you is that every moment of your love journey is a creation, a choice, and a manifestation of what you want and are willing to bring to the relationship. And, that, while scary at times, when you step out in faith and are finally writing your love story and creating your masterpiece with the person you love and are loved by, it’s worth every bump, every heartache, and every tear. The reward is so much bigger than the risk!
Question? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Arianda Bruna via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 26, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance
For those of us who are wives, mothers, and professionals, it can seem as if we have to choose between having a wonderful relationship and family or following our dreams and building our careers and our businesses. I call this living in “an either-or world.” And I don’t believe it’s necessary.
When we think that we have to sacrifice one aspect of our lives in order to experience happiness in another, that is evidence of having a “scarcity” conversation. Some people use this term to refer to the area of finances – to describe the experience of people living under the false perception that there isn’t already enough of what they have or want. The truth, however, is that this applies to other areas of our lives. When we live under the perception that we must sacrifice or give up what we want in order to have something else we want, we sell out on our happiness and cheat ourselves out of the experience of having it ALL!
I have been a professional since before I was married and had children. Succeeding in everything I do has always been important to me, and it was no different when it came to my career. Once I was in a relationship, succeeding in my career was still important. And so was having a wonderful relationship and, later, marriage. When I had kids things got a little “blurry” for me.
There was a lot of guilt associated with working late hours and traveling for work. I missed some of my children’s milestones because I was on a business trip. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t experience some guilt around that. A lot of the guilt was self-imposed, but some also came from other moms – especially those who had chosen to stay home with their kids. I always felt like they were judging me for not having been there for my kids if they were hitting a milestone, sick, or just wanting Mommy to be there.
It wasn’t until I began doing my own personal development work that I was able to shake myself free from (1) caring about what other people thought and (2) making myself feel badly for having something else I that was important to me in my life – not “more important” to me, but important, nonetheless.
The truth is that people weren’t thinking about me quite as much as I thought they were! A lot of that judgment I felt they had about me was pretty much coming from within. I thought that I wasn’t being a “good mom” when I was doing something for work and like I wasn’t being a “good professional” when I was spending time with my kids, rather than working an extra hour or two. Thankfully, I was able to see that I get to choose what I focus on, what I make a priority today, and that my priorities can change the following day, if I need or want them to! That was very empowering for me!
I’ve also had to teach my kids that, if I am working, it’s not because I don’t want to be with them. It’s that I have a responsibility I need to fulfill on or a job that needs to be completed, and that it’s important to honor your words, keep your agreements, and do your very best in all you do. All of these are great lessons for my kids. And, rather than just telling or lecturing them, I am teaching them by example.
And then there are times when I will work late into the night or cut short a work day so that I can go on a field trip the next day, volunteer at school, or go on a camping trip. I’m still doing what I can to fulfill on my responsibilities, but it may be that this week, when these activities come up, my priorities shift a little. Both my work and my family is important – neither one more important than the other. It’s just how I choose to prioritize my time and attention that day or that week. And it can change from day to day and week to week.
My friend and mentor, Luly Balepolgi of LulyB.com, an amazing business woman who empowers mom entrepreneurs to have it all, often says that “Balance is bull—-!” It’s not about trying to balance everything. It’s about prioritizing and building your life around your priorities!
This is why Heart’s Desire International is honored to partner with Luly B. tonight, December 26th at 9:00 p.m. for a fun, powerful, and live Twitter Chat about how tom make our families are “the reason” why we do what we do, rather than “the excuse” for not following our dreams! Join us and other professional moms for a time of learning and growing together while having a great time! To get all the details and join in on the chat, click here!
Remember, we live in a world of abundance, and you can and deserve to have it ALL! Join Luly B. and me tonight and let’s make 2013 about making our families the reason for doing whatever we can to make our dreams come true!
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 21, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
How to Make this Holiday Season One of Peace, Joy, and Love
by Gladys Diaz
There is perhaps no other month in the year where people spend more time with family than they do in December. Family gatherings, celebrations, and reunions tend to revolve around the holidays celebrated during this month. While all of us love the idea of being surrounded by family and loved ones, the reality of the holidays isn’t always “picture perfect.”
The truth is that being with our family brings up our “stuff.” You know – reminders of things that happened in our childhood that we wish hadn’t, spending time with people who tend to trigger us in not-so-nice ways, and the experience of being an adult child, which can sometimes be a strange dynamic when we’re around our elders. And, if you’re in a relationship, you can go ahead and double the anxiety, discomfort, and emotions!
One of the things I hear most about from my clients when it comes to the holidays is about their anxiety around spending time with their in-laws. I often hear how “his family” behaves, acts, and treats others. And, unfortunately, what they share is not always about how loving, merry, and jolly the holiday experiences are with their in-laws.
This time of year can also bring about arguments regarding with whose family the holidays will be spent. For a lot of people, being with family means having to travel out of town. This means that they may only be spending the holidays with one their families, which brings up the question: Whose family?
Whether the tension in your relationship is caused by how either of you gets along with your own family or your partner’s family, or having to choose which family to spend the holidays with, there are few things you’ll want to bring with you to your family gatherings in order to make this season a happy and peaceful one for you and those you love.
The Gift of Generosity.
If your partner wants to spend time with his family, regardless of how you feel about them, make an effort to plan some time with them. The holiday season is only a few weeks long, and it will not kill you to allow him to spend some time with the people who, not only love him, but also played a big part in making him the man with whom you fell in love!
The Gift of Forgiveness.
Maybe you and his family – or someone in your own family – have had a falling out. Perhaps things were said or done that have made it difficult for you to want to spend time with them. Maybe it’s time to let go of the anger and resentment and give yourself and them the gift of forgiveness. This doesn’t mean you pretend that nothing happened. It just means that you are releasing yourself from the weight you’ve been carrying around and that you’re creating a space where something new is possible.
The Gift of YOU!
One of the reasons people sometimes do not get along with others is because they are not willing to be vulnerable. However, it’s only when we are vulnerable that people are able to see who we really are and are then able to connect with us. If you’ve been distancing yourself from his family or yours because you’re afraid that they won’t like or accept you, consider bringing YOU to the party this year. Open up a space where you can really connect with at least one person in the family and allow them to see the loving, generous, fun person you are!
The holidays can be a time of happiness and togetherness. Regardless of what has happened in the past, if you would like to experience more closeness your families, consider bringing the gifts of Generosity, Forgiveness, and Vulnerability to your family get-togethers. Because, the truth is that, once you get married, it really stops being about “your family” and “my family,” and it becomes “our family.” So, go ahead! Give yourself and your honey the gift of a loving, happy, and peaceful holiday season!
Wishing you a season of love, joy, peace, and the fulfillment of every single one of your heart’s desires!
Image courtesy of Marcus via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 19, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Being Lovers, Parents, and Partners in the Face of a Tragic Event
by Gladys Diaz
TRAGEDY
This past weekend was a difficult one for everyone in our country, and perhaps even more so for those of us who have children. I found out about the tragedy in Connecticut late in the day, and it threw me for a swirl of emotions. I simply couldn’t believe it and could not even begin to understand it. My mind kept going between the poor babies whose lives were taken, those whose innocence was stolen by what they experienced and saw, the educators who risked it all to protect the children, and trying to imagine what the parents of the children who were killed were going through.
When my husband came home, he could see that I was upset and I told him what had happened. Immediately, we were both overcome with emotion – me in my way: tears, and he in his: silence. Our next thought was how we were going to deal with this regarding our children. How in the world were we supposed to explain something neither one of us could fathom or make sense of? And, how were we supposed to relay something so heinous to child, while, at the same time, not trying to frighten or worry them? And how were we to deal with the questions… I know my kids – especially my older son. There would be questions, and lots of them.
We decided that we would not tell them about it and we would refrain from watching the news while they were awake. In a way, we felt like we were protecting them – preserving their innocence – at least for a little while longer. At that point there were so many unverified accounts of what happened that it was best to just wait, anyway. And maybe wouldn’t say anything at all. We didn’t know. What is “the right thing to do” with something that is so wrong?
We were able to avoid discussing the topic with them all weekend and limited our own discussions about the topic. It wasn’t easy. Every time I saw a picture of a child who passed away and the family photos capturing moments of pure love and joy, or read the stories of the teachers who risked their lives to save the little ones entrusted to them, I simply lost it. And as much as I like to consider myself someone who is a positive thinker and believes in the inherent goodness of people, I struggled with anger and found it hard not to want to blame somebody – anybody – for what was happening. A lot of that was going around on the social media networks – finger-pointing, blame, hate — and I just chose not to get involved in the political aspects of the tragedy. I wanted to send my love and healing thoughts with each picture, tear, and story I read, so I chose to focus on that instead.
On Sunday morning, it occurred to me that, while my younger son is in Kindergarten (and, yes, I had to shake the terror I felt each time I realized that the babies who were killed were his age), and that perhaps many of their parents had also shielded his classmates from the news, my older son is in fourth grade, and some of the kids in his class might have more access to the television and Internet than my kids do. I asked my husband whether he thought we should tell the kids what happened, sans all the details. We agreed to think about it and we’d decide that evening. The truth is that neither one of us wanted to be the one to start the discussion.
When evening finally came, I asked my husband again what he thought. He said he was worried, especially about our older son, who also has a mild form of autism and can get very upset and perseverate on a topic for days. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him I didn’t want to tell them everything, but that I also didn’t want them to hear something from another kid who might not have all of the details correct.
TEARS
So we chose to speak to our kids about what happened. They both had questions – about where Connecticut was, what happened to the bad guy, whether some of the kids were able to escape – and we answered them as best we could. We kept the answers simple, and, when we didn’t know the answers, we said so.
Our older son’s first question was, “Are the kids okay?”
(My husband and I looked at each other. He nodded.) “No, honey. They’re not.”
Our younger son (5) was sad and got very quiet. Our older son (9.5) was angry and very outspoken.
“What kind of madman would hurt little, innocent kids, right before Christmas?!?” (I couldn’t agree more.)
Our older son was glad to hear the bad guy couldn’t hurt anyone else (telling him that the gunman “hurt himself” was another topic I wish I didn’t have to talk about), and he had a few ideas about what should have been done to stop him (security-wise) and done to him (throwing him in a volcano full of lava kept coming up).
At prayer time, we always thank God first and then ask Him to help the poor, people at war, our sponsored child, and people on our prayer list. Our older son was still angry and began thanking God that the killer was dead. I explained that we are all angry and hurt and confused, and that it’s okay to feel that way, but that, if we want a world full of love and peace, we also need to pray loving and peaceful prayers and be loving and peaceful ourselves. So, he closed his eyes, took a breath, and thanked Jesus for his toys, that Christmas is around the corner, that some of the kids were saved, and for being able to spend Christmas with his family (his eyes began to water and he hugged me). Then he asked that God please give the mommies and daddies of the little kids a second chance to be happy. His eyes teared up and he hugged me again. He said he wants to write a letter to the parents and the school and send them $10 (a lot of money in his world). I said we would do that.
I wiped his tears and said, “Thank you for loving other people. You’re a good heart. A beautifully good heart. “ He smiled.
I kissed the area of his chest over his heart and said my own prayer of thanks that he was in my arms and I could do that. I was very aware of the fact that at least 20 other parents were longing to do the same with their children that night.
“Good night, my baby. Have sweet dreams”
“Good night, Mama.”
And, as I walked out of his room the tears of sadness, fear, love, and gratitude began to fall all at once!
TEAMWORK
This was not an easy conversation to have with our children, and I hope we never have to worry about having one like it again. I am, however, happy with the way my husband and I handled it. It felt like, even though our initial reactions were different (sadness vs. anger), we were on the same page.
That’s not always the case in our marriage, as in virtually every other relationship. Sometimes he had an idea for how we should explain something or discipline the kids that is different from mine. Sometimes we differ in how we want to approach a decision, make a purchase, or what we want to do with the kids on the weekend. In the past, when this would happen, I would “argue” my point, give my “opinion,” and, I’m embarrassed to say, I would do whatever I thought was best, completely disregarding my husband’s ideas. I was the teacher, I knew kids better than he, and I was always “right.” And it cost me with regard to the intimacy in my marriage. Big time.
Now I know that, while I still have a right to my own thoughts and opinions, I’m not always right. My husband is another human being in this relationship, and he’s entitled to his own ideas, even if I don’t always agree with them. I have learned that the man I chose to marry would lay down his life for my kids and me, and that I can trust him to make good choices and put our needs first. I don’t have to “defend” or prove that my ideas are valid. I can state them and then we can come to an agreement together, or agree to disagree. By respecting and honoring his thoughts and decisions, our parenting has become much more about teamwork and partnership, and our kids benefit from seeing that, not only do their parents love them, but they also respect and love each other.
And, in a world where it seems like things are out of control, and where it doesn’t always feel safe, I’m glad and grateful that we are able to give them the reassurance that comes with living in a peaceful loving home where they know that we are here, we are a team, that they are safe, and so is their family!
Our heartfelt condolences go to the families of everyone who has been touched by this terrible tragedy. Words cannot begin to provide comfort in such tragic situations, but I hope they will somehow feel the love we are sending their way.
Comments? Questions? Please share them below! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: PhotgraTree via photopin.com cc
