by heartsdesireintl | Apr 16, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
The other day, I experienced some really frustrating moments. Thankfully, they were not related to my relationship, but, as usual, I still had the chance to learn a great lesson about how to make a relationship work!
After my husband had spent hours working on a creating a new web page for my business, we found that it was suddenly GONE! All of the work we’d done, even our ability to access the administrative site was completely gone!
I panicked! I was on a deadline and was already behind schedule. I didn’t know what to do, and neither did my husband. Immediately, my husband went online to try to find a way to fix it. What did I do? I called someone I knew who works with websites. It was going to cost us $60/hour just to have him take a look. I reached out to someone else I knew, but she wasn’t responding to my message. Then I went online to try to figure out how to fix it myself. The problem? When I read information about websites, html code, plugins and widgets, it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher (“Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!”).
I collapsed in a heaping pile of nerves and tears. How was I going to fix this? What was I going to tell the people waiting for me to deliver what I’d promised? Why couldn’t I figure this out?
I called my sister and hysterically explained what happened, and she managed to help me calm down. That helped me think and listen to what was going on inside of myself a little more clearly. And what I heard was eye-opening for me.
My husband said he would figure it out. He’s downstairs right now, working on it.
What am I doing? Why am I trying to fix this myself?
Why can’t I just let go and trust him to take care of this?
Realizing that I had jumped into “control-mode” was eye- and heart-opening, to say the least. My fear had caused me to ignore the fact that my husband was downstairs trying to solve the problem for me. My need to know how things were going to turn out had me step in, knowing full-well that I didn’t know what I was doing, which only made me feel more anxious. More importantly, I saw that there was still a fear of completely trusting my husband to take care of the situation… to take care of me!
I took a deep breath… and I let go.
I started working on something else, gave it my full attention, and felt the fear and anxiety begin to fade.
A few hours later, my husband texted me to go ahead and reach out to the guy, because he couldn’t figure it out. He told me he’d pay for the services. Then he apologized for letting me down. WHAT?!?
I told him he hadn’t let me down. I thanked him for the hours he’d spent trying to fix the problem and said that I’d reach out to the guy, but that I’d prefer if he spoke with him, because I didn’t understand all of this techie stuff. He agreed (helping me solve another problem).
The next day, my husband had several conversations with the guy and everything was taken care of. He rebuilt the website and sent me the link so that I could see it was up and running. When I texted him with “I love it! <smiley face>,” he responded: “That’s why I don’t give up. That smile, right there!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: My husband is my hero!
So, what were the main lessons I learned? It all comes down to trust!
1. Trust him to solve some of your problems. Many people associate trust in a relationship with loyalty and fidelity, and that is certainly part of what makes a relationship work. But there’s another level of trust in a relationship. The one that allows you to trust and believe that there is someone else there to help, support and take care of you – not because you are incapable of taking care of yourself, but, because in a relationship, you no longer have to.
2. Trust that he has your best interests at heart. Men want the women they love to be happy and to know that they had something to do with that happiness. If your guy makes a decision that ends up not having the most desirable results (he loses some money in an investment, he makes the wrong turn when you’re already late to an important event, he chooses to start his own business and ends up making less money than he used to), trust that he didn’t intend to disappoint you. Trust that, if he could have, he would have avoided disappointing you.
3. Trust that everything will work out in the end. When I think back to the other day, I realize that things were not as “bad” as they occurred for me that day. There was a back-up on the server, so we were able to get back most of the information we’d lost. I had people around me who were trying to help: my husband, my sister, the web guy, and my coach’s virtual assistant, who was amazing in telling us what we needed to tell the web guy. I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t so bad, and things worked out in the end. If I’d trusted that it would work out, I would have saved myself a lot of stress, anxiety, and wasted energy!
Learning to trust is one of those relationship skills that takes repetition to “build the muscle,” but the pay-off are so sweet: knowing someone is there who wants to help and has your best interests at heart, and the reassurance that, in the end, no matter what happens, you still have each other!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 12, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Yesterday I received this beautiful quote about marriage in my inbox and just had to create a picture quote for it! It really captures the essence of a marriage and what it takes to make it work!
Too many times, I work with women who, when I ask them what they would like to see happen in their relationships or marriages, will respond with everything their boyfriend or husband is not doing, or not doing well enough.
For example, the other day I was speaking with a woman who was fed up with her husband. She felt that he wasn’t playing his part in the marriage– he wasn’t helping to take care of the home or children, he wasn’t managing the finances, he wasn’t making any of the important (and not-so-important) decisions, and he wasn’t doing anything to try to help save their marriage. This left her feeling angry, disappointed, and frustrated. It also led her to nag, complain, and tell her husband repeatedly what he should be doing differently, only to have him withdraw even further.
Is this resonating with anyone out there?
I could hear her frustration and sadness, and I also heard how the entire conversation was focused on what she felt he should be doing. Those unmet expectations were causing her to feel the anger and resentment that were spilling over into every conversation and contact she and her husband had.
See, as long as we are focused on what the other person in the relationship is or isn’t doing, we are not looking at the role we’re playing in creating the dynamic we have. As long as I’m focused on what my husband is doing, what he’s not doing, or what he’s not doing well enough, I don’t have to look over here – at me – which is thing I can really control.
So, what can we do to ensure that we are giving our own 100% in the relationship?
1. Focus on yourself. Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to be changed can be like trying to tell the wind to stop blowing. No matter how much you try, beg, or plead, it’s not going to happen! Rather than focusing all of your time, energy, and attention on trying to make him better, look to see where you might better place your focus. Perhaps you can choose to focus more on gratitude than complaining? Perhaps it’s not what you’re saying to him but the way you’re saying it that is causing the opposite of what you want to show up. Perhaps it’s simply choosing to let go of trying to make him want do something, and just say that you need help and allow him to respond. By focusing on your own actions, reactions, and words, you are more likely to shift the dynamic in the relationship.
2. Change your perspective. One of my favorite sayings is “Energy flows where attention goes.” What we choose to focus on becomes stronger and what we resist persists. So, rather than focusing on everything he’s not doing or not doing well enough, focus on the things he is doing, and express gratitude. Even if all you do is acknowledge the effort the energy you are sending is now a positive one of gratitude, rather than the negative one of complaining. Chances are that he’ll notice the appreciation and that will motivate him to want to continue doing things that make you smile, rather than scowl. So change your perspective and look for those behaviors and actions you’d like to see more of!
3. Be open to different possibilities. Chances are that you and guy are not always going to see eye-to-eye. A relationship is made up of two individuals, each with his/her own ideas, preferences, and ways of doing things. Many times, having rigid expectations and only allowing for the possibility of things turning out my way and not allowing for there to be other possible ways can cause frustration, as well. Creating a partnership is about allowing for each individual to contribute of him-/herself. So, check to see if you’ve been having a “my-way-or-the-highway” attitude, and begin to open up to the possibility that there are other routes to your desired destination. You may find yourself being pleasantly surprised!
As the quote above says, when we focus on giving our own 100% to the relationship, then we won’t spend time looking to see what the other person is or is not doing in the relationship. We’ll have our attention focused on the side of the relationship we can control: ourselves. And, in doing that, not only do we allow our partner to do the same, but we can rest assured knowing that we’re doing everything in our power to make our relationship complete.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 9, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
Being in a relationship – especially a new relationship – can be exciting! It can be really tempting to want to spend every waking moment with a guy who is making you feel special, beautiful and happy! Who can blame us! That feeling of hope and anticipation that maybe this could be the one fills us with hope, joy, and all sorts of butterflies in our stomachs!
Many times, the more we get to know a guy, the more we tend forget about ourselves, the things we love to do, and the people who have been there for us before he stepped into our lives. It’s not uncommon for women to begin canceling lunch dates with friends, spending less time with family, and even stop participating in some of the activities they used to do before they started dating a new guy. We stay up until all hours of the night on the phone or out on a date, stop exercising, and sometimes we even forget to eat!
It’s no wonder that when I ask women what one of their biggest fears is when it comes to dating, marriage, and relationships, one of the top answers is, “I’m afraid of losing myself in the relationship.”
While all of this is perfectly natural, it’s important that we remember to keep our lives, even though he’s in it! Why? Well, just ask some of the women in your life who have been in a relationship or marriage for a while and who didn’t do this. They will let you know how unhappy and unfulfilling it can be to forget about yourself and who you are once you’re in a relationship.
I know this to be true, because it happened to me. It took me 7 years – and getting over a lot of guilt and resentment – to begin to find myself again!
Losing and Finding Myself Again
I don’t even know how it happened. It’s not like my husband – then-boyfriend – ever asked me to stop singing, exercising, or going out with my girlfriends. It’s not like he said I shouldn’t go to church or take courses I was interested in. He never once even mentioned anything like this. However, I gradually stopped doing the things that I enjoyed – the thing that made me ME, and, after a few years I was so full of resentment that I misdirected toward my husband. Truth be told, I was angry at myself and wasn’t sure what I could do to change the habits I’d created over the years.
Little by little, I began practicing more self-care and doing the things I enjoyed again. I started taking courses, starting my spiritual practices, and going out with my girlfriends again. I began taking time to get my hair done at a time that worked for me, and, slowly, but surely, I began to feel like me again!
Now, it took some time for us – both my husband and me – to get used me taking and making time for me. I did struggle at times with guilt about not spending time with my husband and kids. However, the happier and more fulfilled I became, the more encouraging he became and the easier it was!
So, what are some of the things you can do to avoid losing yourself in a relationship?
1. Focus on you. I know it seems counter-intuitive in a relationship, but the more you focus on making yourself happy, the better your relationship will be! It’s okay to spend some time apart. And he’ll love the idea of you being happy and having fun, even if he has to wait to see you.
2. Nourish other relationships. It’s easy to want to spend a lot of time with the man you love. However, don’t forget all the people who were there for you through the good times and bad, while he was finding his way to you! Spend time with your family and friends, even if he doesn’t come along.
3. Give him space to keep his life, too. I know it’s hard to believe, but he also had a life before you, so it’s likely he’ll have things he likes to do, friends and family he wants to spend time with, and times he’ll want to be alone. Avoid the temptation to feel jealous or try to guilt him into spending time with you. Feeling like he has the space to be himself will make him feel happy, too (Plus, he’ll be the envy of all of his friends whose girlfriends/wives are calling, texting, and giving them hard time while they’re hanging out with him!)
The more you take time to do the things you enjoy, that make you feel peaceful and allow you to express yourself and be you, the better girlfriend, wife, and parent you will be. Why? Because you can’t be peaceful, loving, and patient if you’re feeling frazzled, resentful, and depleted! By keeping your life even though he’s in it, you will be replenishing your mind, body, and spirit regularly, which is a critical ingredient for creating an intimate and happy relationship!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Want to learn more about how to not lose yourself in a relationship? Then join us on Tuesdays, for our Relationship Coaching Calls, offered by Heart’s Desire International and Laura Doyle. We have separate calls for single ladies and those who are girlfriends and wives. Each bi-weekly call focuses on a different relationship and intimacy skill that will lead to you experiencing the relationship your heart desires!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 5, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the first questions I ask a woman who I’m speaking to for the first time is, “What do you want?”
Typically, if the woman is single, she’ll respond that she wants to be in a relationship.
If she’s already in a relationship or married, she’ll say she wants to have a good relationship with her boyfriend or husband.
Sounds pretty clear, right? Wrong!
Saying that you want to be in a relationship is to general, too broad. Do you want to be in just any relationship? For example, do you want to be in a relationship where you’re always wondering whether or not he really loves you, whether you can trust him, and whether the relationship is going anywhere permanent? Or do you want to be in a relationship where you know every moment of every day that the man you love loves, cherishes, and wants to be with you and only you?
Even saying that you want to have a good relationship isn’t clear enough, either. What does “good” mean, for you? Does it mean simply not fighting? I’ve worked with women who live in a “peaceful” household, simply because she and her husband rarely look at or speak to one another. Plus, why settle for “good,” when you can have “amazing,” “unbelievable,” and “extraordinary” love?
When you think about what you want when it comes to relationships, you need to be crystal-clear. Now, this doesn’t mean that you create a 100-point check system, where the man you’re with has to meet all of the listed criteria. In fact, this has nothing to do with the man! It has to do with what you want to experience in a relationship.
So, how do you get crystal-clear about the experience you want to have in the relationship?
1. Admit you want to be in a loving relationship. This one’s for the single ladies and those who are in a relationship that’s not quite where you’d like it to be right now. Too many women claim that they are “fine” without being in a loving relationship. And they probably are. But, if you’re like me, I want more than just a “fine” life. I want an amazing, extraordinary life that includes the experience of loving and being loved by someone every day of it! Admitting that you want to be loved does not make you weak or any less capable or powerful. It just makes you human! So, go ahead! Admit that you want to be loved, desired, and adored!
2. Create a vision of the experience you want to have in the relationship. It isn’t enough to use words like, “good,” “happy,” or “fun.” What does good, happy, and fun look like, sound like, and feel like? How do you feel when you’re together? What is the visible evidence of your happiness, excitement, and connection? Have fun with this! It’s your vision, your dream, your love story! Go as big and as bold as you want! The great news is that it’s completely yours to create and manifest, so make sure you’re inspired by your vision!
3. Share your vision with others. The relationship of your dreams shouldn’t be the world’s best-kept secret! If you want to begin living that experience you’ve created, tell people about it. Choose 2-3 people who you trust and who will pull for and stand for you to have that. People who love you want to see you happy. Let them know about the happiness you want to experience in a romantic relationship.
This is just the beginning of the type of work we do with our clients. There’s a much deeper process that includes removing the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that are standing in the way of you actually believing that this kind of relationship is possible and that it’s possible for you!
If you’re single, and you live in the S. Florida area, then you’re in luck, because we’ll be going deep into this exercise tomorrow, Saturday, April 6th, at the “Attract & Marry the Man Who’s Right for You” 1-Day Workshop. We’ll be removing all of the invisible barriers standing between you and the love you want to experience every day for the rest of your life! We’ll be replacing those fears with empowering beliefs, affirmations, real-life practices, and new and empowering habits that will take you from where you are to the relationship of your dreams!
For more information about the workshop and to register (there are still a few seats left), just click here NOW.
Girlfriends, and wives, don’t worry! Your workshop is coming soon! Make sure to subscribe to receive our newsletter so that you don’t miss out on the workshop that will take your existing relationship from where it is to a whole new level of amazing!
Bottom line: You deserve to experience the love your heart desires, but you’ve got to be crystal-clear about what that is. So, admit you want it, envision it, share it, and soon you’ll be living it!
Here’s to a future filled with breath-taking, amazing and extraordinary love!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 1, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
You want to be in a loving, passionate relationship. You have read books and blogs, attended courses, envisioned, wished, hoped, and prayed for the man of your dreams to walk into your life. You want to share your life – the successes, the pitfalls, and the ordinary moments – with a man who loves and accepts you for who you are.
So what’s standing in your way?
You.
It’s your own fears, your doubts, the thoughts that you try not to pay attention to – the ones that tell you:
“You don’t deserve it. You’re not meant to be in a relationship. It’s too late. You’re too old. You’ve gone through too much. You’re okay on your own.”
It’s the disempowering thoughts that have you feel happy for your friend when she announces that she’s met a great guy or she’s getting married while at the same time make you wonder why it can happen for her, but not for you.
It’s the belief that being in a great relationship has to do with being “lucky” rather than being ready. That it has to do with something
outside of yourself, rather than something
you create and attract into your life.
I’m here to let you know that all of those thoughts, fears, and doubts may feel
real, but they’re
not. They are just your mind’s way of keeping you stuck where you are – alone, disillusioned, and terrified that you’re really not going to ever have the love your heart desires.
See, it feels safer to stay where you are than it does to take a risk and put your heart out there again. It seems easier to say you’d rather be alone than to admit that you’d actually like to share your life.
And it’s much easier to place the blame and responsibility of your current circumstances on the ideas that there aren’t any good men out there, that you’re just not “relationship material,” or that it’s better not to get married because people just end up divorced anyway than to honor your desire to be in a romantic, intimate relationship where you get to experience the joy of loving and being loved every day for the rest of your life.So your mind helps protect you from the possibility of being hurt or disappointed.
The questions you want to ask yourself are:
Just how much longer are you willing to put your happiness and your dreams on hold?
How much longer are you going to choose feeling safe over the joy of feeling loved?
Just how long are you willing to stay where you are?
How much longer are you willing to let your fear control you?
If you’re
tired of being stuck, you’re ready to take a bold and courageous step toward creating the life and relationship of
your dreams, and your answer to these questions is
“Not a minute longer!”then join us tonight, Monday, April 1, 2013, from 8:00 – 10:30 p.m. for a
FREE Orientation Call about the upcoming “Attract and Marry the Man Who’s Right for You” 1-Day Workshop that is taking place this Saturday, April 6th.
On this call you will have the opportunity to hear the testimonials of women who have met their boyfriends and husbands as a result of having participated in the workshop.
We’ll also be talking about what you will discover at the workshop, including how to:
- Stop hunting and start attracting the right man
- Ask men to ask you out so that you’re never without a date
- Become your best self and attract men at your level
- Enjoy the pleasure of being pursued
- Make every date fun
This is
your life,
your love story.
You get to have a say in how goes! And we’re here to support and guide you!
Register here to join us tonight for the FREE Orientation Call tonight and get ready to start creating and living you’re very own happily ever after!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Mar 29, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Some of the most common questions I get from women – whether they are single, in a relationship, or married — begin with the words, “How can I get him to…?”
Usually, the women are asking about how they can get their men to do more: How to convince their husbands to help more around the house, how to get their boyfriends to plan their dates, or their dates to move the relationship to the next level.
In each of these examples, there is something beneath the question that is not only driving the woman to doubt that her man will do these things, but, in many cases, is also driving her to take the reins and do them herself.
So, the frazzled wife will continue to resentfully do all of household chores, care for the children, and pay all of the bills herself. The girlfriend will continue making all of the plans for dates and vacations herself. And the single woman will continue to ask the man she’s dating where he thinks the relationship is headed, hinting that she wants more, and driving herself crazy wondering if he’s ever going to let her know whether he sees a future with her.
The underlying factor in each of these examples is FEAR.
When a woman I’m working with asks me how she can get her husband to help her more around the house and with the children, there is an underlying fear that he won’t and that all of the responsibility of managing the household and caring for the kids will fall on her shoulder. So she begins complaining that he doesn’t help her, nagging him to help her (which only makes him want to help her less), reminding him about what he said he would do, and checking up on him to make sure he’s done it. Eventually, when the waiting gets to be too much, or if she doesn’t want to deal with wondering whether or not something will get done, she just ends up doing what he said he would do herself.
If you ask her why, she’ll tell you that if she doesn’t do something, it just won’t get done. What she doesn’t realize however, is that by doing it all, she’s actually sending the message that she doesn’t need help and perpetuating having to do everything by herself. Even if she doesn’t do something, if she invests a lot of time and energy into reminding, checking up on him, and making sure things get done, she might reason that it’s just easier to do it herself.
Is any of this resonating with you?
Too many times we’re so afraid that something we want won’t happen – at least not in the time frame, manner, and to our standard of satisfaction – that we step in do it ourselves. And while this may ensure that what we want gets done, we need to ask ourselves “At what cost?” If we are sacrificing our peace of mind, our level of joy, and the intimacy in our relationship by continuously nagging, being resentful, and feeling completely exhausted, is it really worth what it’s costing us to do it all ourselves?
If the answer is no – and I’m pretty sure it is – what can we do to get past the fear that is driving us to do everything ourselves?
1. Trust. Trust is one of the most essential elements in any relationship. Prior to being in a relationship we had to depend on ourselves. However, once we begin to create a relationship, we no longer have to be independent and we can move toward being interdependent. As scary as it can be sometimes to trust that someone else will follow through and do what he said he would, by trusting him and then stepping out of his way, we allow him the space to do what he said he’d do while sending the message that we trust in his capabilities.
2. Let Go. Once you choose to trust him to do what he said he would, it’s important to release the urge to control by reminding checking up on, reminding, or “helping” him get it done. When you continuously check up on or remind him of what he said he would do, you’re sending the message that you don’t trust him to follow through, which can make him throw his hands up in the air and prove you right. During these times, remind yourself that he doesn’t need back up. If he does, he’ll ask… but he probably won’t.
3. Focus on YOU. One way to help you avoid checking in and resist the urge to take over is to focus on yourself. Rather than worrying about what he is or isn’t doing, focus on the one and only thing you can control: YOU. Do something you enjoy – read a book, spend time with a girlfriend, take a long bath. The less time you spend reminding, supervising, and taking over, the more time you have to spend doing the things you enjoy. This will have you feeling more peaceful, patient, and fulfilled – all attractive qualities and all ingredients of a happy relationship!
It’s not always easy to trust that the man we love or are interested in is going to do what he said he’d do. When we’re in a relationship, however, learning to trust, let go, and focus on ourselves is critical to creating and nurturing a culture of partnership in a relationship. The less you do, the more you’ll experience the joy and peace that comes with knowing that there is someone else who is ready and able to take care of you – if you’ll allow him to.
I know you are a capable woman. I know that you can do anything you put your mind to. I know that in the past you’ve had to rely on yourself to get things done. I know because I’m just like you! However, I also know that, while we can be independent, self-sufficient, and get things done ourselves, one of the great things about being in an intimate relationship is that we no longer have to!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
