by heartsdesireintl | Jun 20, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
As a health coach myself, I don’t seem to be able to break the fear of never being truly cherished, like all women want to be. I can effectively coach others in health and spiritual issues, but I have a difficult time trusting myself in the romantic love area. This has especially been the case since a relationship that was going strong fizzled within a couple days. I thought I was practicing the surrendered single philosophy with this man, to no avail.
Thanks for being so vulnerable in asking your question. The fact that you are a coach and able to get people to being taking steps to create healthier lives probably makes it easier for you to understand that a lot of what stops us from having what we really want in our lives is fear. And, 99 percent of the time, the things we fear are not real. Many times, they are based on our past and on what we have already experienced, and we tend to project those experiences into our future.
The truth is that you are already love-able – able to love and be loved. If you can distinguish what it is that you are actually afraid of, then you can see it for what it is – nothing but a thought – and you can choose to either honor it or not honor it.
So, what is it that you are afraid of? You mention that you’re afraid of never truly being cherished. The first question I’d like you to ask yourself is whether there is something about yourself that you have not yet brought love, forgiveness and acceptance to. You know, as a health coach, that not bringing love, forgiveness, or acceptance to parts of our bodies can cause us to make choices that actually harm our bodies, even if we say that we want to be healthy. So, is there something about yourself – physically or emotionally – that you’ve not yet embraced or accepted? Is it something you’re afraid that the man you are with will see or discover and not accept? If so, are you willing to bring love and acceptance to that part of you now so that you can begin to invite love into your life?
You also mention that you don’t trust yourself when it comes to love and romance. The first thing this made me think of is whether you made a choice in the past that you now regret. Many times, when we think that we haven’t made very good choices when it comes to relationships, it’s because we weren’t willing to listen to and trust our intuition in a previous relationship. Perhaps we ignored the red flags that were letting us know that the guy wasn’t someone who we could trust. Perhaps we didn’t want to listen if he said that he wasn’t interested in being in a committed relationship, and we kept holding on, in hopes that he would change his mind. Or perhaps we continue to attract men who are not available or unwilling to commit or be faithful.
Regardless of the choices you made in the past, it’s important that you, again, forgive yourself and not make yourself wrong or beat yourself up for having made those choices. Forgive yourself, take the lessons that you learned from those experiences, and remember them as you move toward inviting new love into your life.
You mentioned a relationship that fizzled after a few days. I’m wondering whether this was someone with whom you were in an actual committed relationship, or someone who you were just dating. Regardless of the answer, if it fizzled that quickly, chances are that he wasn’t the right guy for you, so it’s better that you learned that early on. I know it doesn’t minimize the pain you may feel now, but it’s better than having invested months, or even years, in a relationship that was not going to result in a lifetime love. So, again, take the lessons you learned, be grateful for them, and be courageous enough to open your heart to the possibility of inviting someone new into your life. And continue practicing the surrendered singles principles to attract to yourself the man who is right for you!
Bottom line: You were created to love and be loved. Don’t buy into the story that you’re not meant to experience that. If there is a fear or doubt in the way, you know the power of coaching, so work with a coach to get those fears distinguished, dismantled, and out of the way so that you can begin to enjoy the experience of being in the relationship your heart desires!
Questions? Comment? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 15, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have recently reconnected with a past friend/relationship. There was no sex or desire to be with him then. Then one day 2yrs ago, I had a problem with my phone and contacted the company, and who came to my door… him! He was filling in for another guy who was on holidays. I think “What’s the chance of this happening?”
It’s been 16yrs and we have both traveled and had lives. He is married and I’m a single parent. Our connection this time round is very strong and soulful. He said he loved me and my inner core was so happy.
He is unhappy in his marriage and we have been talking and not gone to the next step. My thoughts are with him all day and he says he feels the same. I do love him, but where and what do we/I do now? I close my eyes and I can see us together in the future. I haven’t had this before. Is he a soulmate?
I can see how having someone pop back into your life again after so many years could have you asking “What’s the chance of this happening?” and wondering whether this was “meant to be.” I can also hear that you feel a deep connection to him and want to be with him.
You’re asking what you should do. I think a more important question for you to answer is, “What do I want to experience in a relationship?” This question is critical because, unless you know what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. For the past two years, you have been involved with a married man. I acknowledge you for not taking it to the next step, and I also wonder why he’s still married after two years if he’s really that unhappy in his marriage and wants to be with you.
Please understand that I’m not saying this to be mean. This is your choice to make and you know what works best for you. It just sounds like you have really fallen for and want a relationship with him and that you may have invested to years of your life in a man who is unavailable and unable to commit to you because he is still married to someone else.
I have way too many stories of clients and friends who waited and waited for the man they were in love with to leave his wife, only to end up broken-hearted after several years. The fact of the matter is that until a man is divorced from his wife – not just “separated,” but legally divorced – he is still legally bound to his wife. This makes him unavailable to anyone else, because, even if he wanted to marry someone else, right now, he couldn’t, because it is illegal to do so.
Some women will argue that the man says he is miserable and that the divorce is complicated, or that his wife won’t agree to the terms. What I’ve seen in my experience is that, when a man wants out, he gets out and figures out a way to deal with all of the complications.
The fact that it’s been two years and he’s still married makes me wonder about just how unhappy he is and how willing he is to begin a life with you. I’m not saying that he’s lying about how unhappy he is. However, he is lying – at least to his wife – if she is unaware of what is going on and that he’s been building this intimate friendship/relationship with you.
You ask what you should do now. The answer is going to come from what it is you want to experience in a relationship. I can hear that what you want is a loving, intimate connection with a soulmate. You just need to ask yourself whether that dream relationship also includes being with a person who is faithful and completely committed to being with you and you, alone.
If not, and you’re willing to be involved with a married man, while I don’t recommend it, then you can choose to proceed with allowing this relationship to move to another level. If, however, love, connection, commitment and fidelity are important to you, then, right now, this is not the right man for you, because he’s simply unavailable.
Either way, the choice of whether to continue with or end this relationship is yours to make. In choosing, I recommend that you think about what you really want and then make the choice that honors that desire and leaves you feeling the most loved and fulfilled!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 14, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I was grocery shopping, not looking my best at all, and this super handsome guy started talking to me about the almond milk we were both buying. Then he asked about what I was checking out, and it was these beautiful round beets. I proceeded to tell him how I cook them. I was nervous because he was so good looking. I then had to pack my bags and deal with payment to the cashier. But I made sure to give him a huge beaming smile and said, “Enjoy your almond milk.”
I did the whole flirty thing, not worrying about my looks – even told him my secret recipe of adding a spoonful of coconut oil to chilled almond milk, which makes a little crunchy ice sorbet. I was being myself. You know what? It felt good.
Was there something I could have asked him without being weird or overbearing to continue flirting? I see no divine obstacle to one meeting one’s future husband in line at the supermarket. The thing is, what to do with it? How does one prepare for these sudden flirty moments, be open yet classy, because I was packing my groceries, averting my gaze, knowing he was looking at me, and was very nervous although it felt awesome, too.
First, I want to acknowledge you for getting your flirt on! It’s obvious that you were doing something to send the message that it was safe for this guy to approach and speak with you. I especially like how you didn’t let concerns about how you looked stop you from interacting with him and flirting back!
You smiled and chatted with him, but I hear that you feel there was something missing or something that you could have done to keep the flirt going. The good news is that you didn’t do anything “wrong.” The even better news is that there are a few other things you can do to be “flirt-ready” when the opportunity to flirt with someone presents itself!
- Let him see you smile. Many women underestimate the magnetic power of a smile. There is something about a smile that, not only makes you look happy, but also translates into feeling happy. It also lets men know that you are someone who is “safe” to approach, meaning that there’s a good chance they won’t be rejected if they choose to come up to and speak with you.
- Let him know you’d like to go out with him. Now, this does not mean that you ask him out on a date. Instead, you ask him to ask you out by showing interest in something that he mentions during conversation. You can also give him your number and tell him you’d love to go out with him if he’s interested. This, sends him the message that you’d probably say yes, if he asked. It’s also very different from asking him on a date, because you are leaving the actual asking for the date and the pursuing up to him.
- Always be “flirt-ready.” It always makes me smile when women mention that they met a guy right after working out at the gym, at the grocery store, and in unexpected places or events. That’s why it’s important to always be flirt-ready and try to look your best. Am I saying that you have to look like a Stepford Wife each time you leave the house because men are only interested in your looks? No, but, when you look good, you feel good, and you emit radiant, feminine energy. And that’s what men are attracted to. So, even if you’re not dressed to the nines, before you leave the house check to see if you feel good about the way you look and remind yourself that this just might be “the day” you meet the man of your dreams!
Being pleasantly surprised is one of my favorite aspects of dating and relationships. Love can enter your life when and where you least expect it. This is why you can never really know when you may meet the man who will eventually ask you to share your life with him. So, as my older son, who is a Cub Scout would say: Be prepared. Smile, give him your number or let him know you’d like to see him, and look and feel your very best!
And expect the unexpected!
Comments? Questions? Was this answer helpful? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 12, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course, he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?
Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves. You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”
I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.” But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you. Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together. Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change. Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.
I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around! So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship? And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?
So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve. And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 9, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating with my boyfriend for 3years and recently I found out that he had some affairs with other girls. When I confronted him, he told me nothing but that he was feeling he needed validation from other people. Then some days later he called me up and ended the relationship saying that he is not ready yet, that I was too good for him now, and that I should give him time to better himself. I felt so bad, so much so, that this situation affected my academics, and now I have been asked to withdraw from my course because I was not able to pass a certain number of papers. I feel so depressed and confused.
I really want to get out of this situation. I have taken sometime to forgive myself and forgive him. I have cut all contacts with him. I just want to be able to focus on what makes me happy right now. Right now I am in a dilemma because I am still not able to figure out what is next. I really need your help because I always find myself hoping things will get better with him someday. I really am myself when I am with him and he is a nice person.
I think that one of the most painful things a person can go through is being betrayed by someone they love. Creating a relationship involves so much vulnerability and the willingness to open our heart to someone, all the while knowing that there are no guarantees and that we might get hurt. Knowing this, however, doesn’t make the pain any less severe when we find that the person has betrayed our trust.
I know you refer to your ex-boyfriend as “a nice person,” and it’s possible that he’s very kind. However, it sounds from your email that there was more than one case of infidelity. So, as nice or kind as he may be, if he’s incapable of being faithful to you, then he simply is not the right guy for you. The truth is that you deserve to be with someone who chooses to be with you and only you.
If your ex had chosen to take responsibility for the infidelity, apologized and promised to be faithful and commit to making the relationship work, I’d tell you that, while it makes the journey a little more difficult once the trust has been broken in the relationship, with support, it is possible to truly forgive, recommit, and make things work.
The fact that he said he needs time to work on bettering himself, that he doesn’t feel you deserve him, and he’s not ready to commit to you right now, while painful to hear, is probably the kindest and most loving thing he could have done. Rather than continue to lie or pretend that he’s in this relationship 100%, he’s choosing to let you go, stop hurting you and, hopefully, focus on himself. This is actually something for which you can be grateful.
I hear you saying that you want to do the same and focus on what makes you happy right now, and that’s exactly what I’d recommend. This is the time to really focus on what you want for yourself and your life. If being in school is something that is important to you and having that career is something you really want, then I’d recommend speaking to whoever you need to speak to regarding what you can do to get back on track. If you haven’t been pampering yourself, taking time to just relax and replenish your heart, body, and spirit, now is the time to begin scheduling those things into your day. If you have girlfriends or family members who will support you in moving forward with your dreams, then surround yourself and spend time with them.
This is the time for you to take responsibility for your own happiness and to really focus on becoming the woman you were created to be. This is what is going to help you feel more confidence, joy, fulfillment, and peace of mind and heart. And it’s also what is going to make you very attractive to the man who is right for you. He will see your joy, confidence, and peace, and will be attracted to you and to the idea of adding to that happiness.
As for your ex and holding onto hope that things will get better, I know it’s difficult, but, if what you want is to experience a relationship where you are loved, honored, and respected, then you’re probably going to need to let go and close this chapter of your life so that you can begin to create the next one.
Trust that everything is happening just as it should. Trust that you found out for a reason and that the relationship ended for a reason. And trust that you can and will have a relationship where the man chooses to love, to commit, and to be with you and only you, because that is what you deserve!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 7, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I had this long distance “relationship”(?) with a man for the past year. We spoke over the phone, having marathon sessions nightly or every other night. 2 hours, 3 hours, it seemed like time disappeared.
I developed a crazy crush (not attractive for a woman over 49) and my heart raced and fluttered when speaking or being with him after about the first 3 weeks. That crush made me speak incessantly (or maybe that’s just me), be giddy and flirty and funny and basically filled with the joy of love.
On two instances he just disappeared and then after a few weeks would come back. At the start of this year, we went 3 months without speaking. No closure, no communication about it. He just disappeared and went silent; no return of voice mails, phone calls, texts…nothing.
Two weeks ago he left me this eloquent (or so I thought?) voice mail that he still loves and cares about me and to call him back if I want. Well, I called him back and he called me back two weeks later and the call went awful. I started off great and then out of my mouth I started rambling, babbling about what I was thinking, how I felt. I believe I told him his actions don’t match his words. How would I know he cares about me? That would be hard to tell…
I haven’t heard from him since.
I really want to reconnect with him. Sometimes I really miss him. I really felt I had a soul connection with this man, yet the heightened crush (which wasn’t even physical) caught me by surprise. I would love to at least to get some closure like two adults instead of beating myself up, feeling like something I did pushed him away, making myself wrong and blaming myself for knowing better than to allow my heightened crush to take my brain away and have me be giddy like a school girl and God knows what else?
Do you recommend I call him? Just leave it? Learn the lesson to be grounded next time? This has caused me such pain and feeling so thrown aside, disregarded, disrespected, and this man does not seem like that kind of man. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive.
It can be really frustrating when we’re getting to know someone and, all of a sudden, he disappears. It’s not that uncommon when dating, because, many times, people are seeing different people at the same time, so it may be that the person starts getting to know someone else with whom he’s exploring the possibility of being in a relationship with, and begin spending more time with her. It’s not “wrong.” Before there’s an actual commitment, it’s perfectly okay to be seeing several people at the same time (Note: I said it’s okay to date several people at the same time, not sleep with a bunch of people at the same time… BIG difference!).
Another theory is that some men, when they begin to feel really close to a woman, tend to pull away for a bit to get clear on what it is that they want. Relationship expert John Gray refers to this as “the rubber band effect,” and he says that, if a man is ready to commit, he’ll snap back stronger and more committed than ever.
From your email, it sounds like he would disappeared on and off throughout your friendship (notice how I did not call it “a relationship,” because, as my sister and business partner, Michelle always says: It isn’t a relationship… until it is).
Even after he reappeared this time, however, he disappeared again after your response and didn’t contact you for another two weeks. Since he’s not the one reaching out for advice or coaching, there’s nothing you can do to control whether or not he calls you or not, and I have no way of knowing why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, I’m not going to focus on him. Instead, I invite you to take a look at yourself and ask yourself whether this is the kind of pattern you’re interested in continuing to allow and experience?
While I can’t be 100% sure from your email, it sounds as if this was the only guy you were getting to know, which means that you weren’t dating other people during the time that the two of you were speaking on the phone. I can tell you really liked him, and that you hoped it would to turn into something more “permanent,” but, when we stop seeing other people before a commitment is made, we cheat ourselves out of possibly allowing someone else – someone equally or even more wonderful – to enter our lives and give us the experience we do want to have in a relationship. That has us get attached to the person and it’s tempting to keep holding on, hoping that he will change, even when we’re unhappy.
You asked whether you should call him, just leave it, or learn the lesson to be grounded next time. My answers: No, yes, and yes.
I wouldn’t recommend calling him. I get that the last conversation you had didn’t go well. It sounds as if it the call was focused on making him “wrong” for not having called you. Granted, anyone would be tempted to find out why someone had just dropped out existence. However, when a guy reaches out again after some time, it’s usually because he’s been procrastinating having that “first call.” Why? Because most guys know it’s probably not going to go well, and they’d rather avoid the situation altogether!
Does that mean you shouldn’t have expressed how you were feeling? Not at all! If you think back and focus on what you were really feeling, chances are that 3 words would have communicated your feelings purely, without making him wrong. They are: I miss you. That’s it. Everything after that would be trying to get him to feel badly about what he did or didn’t do and telling him what he should or shouldn’t have done. All of that can be captured in three other words: nagging and complaining. And, ladies, men do not like, nor are they inspired to change by nagging!
So, my advice is that you let this go. That’s how you’ll get closure for yourself. Holding onto this situation and to him, beating yourself up, hoping that each time the phone rings or an email or text comes in it’s from him is not serving you.
Let it go.
Focus, not only on “the lesson” learned, but on all of the things for which you are grateful as a result of this friendship – all of the things you learned about yourself and what you want to experience in a relationship.
And then, open your heart again to allow the love of someone who is going to treat you with love and tenderness and give you all of the attention that you desire and deserve to come in!
Hope this helps! Let me know!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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