by heartsdesireintl | Apr 9, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
Being in a relationship – especially a new relationship – can be exciting! It can be really tempting to want to spend every waking moment with a guy who is making you feel special, beautiful and happy! Who can blame us! That feeling of hope and anticipation that maybe this could be the one fills us with hope, joy, and all sorts of butterflies in our stomachs!
Many times, the more we get to know a guy, the more we tend forget about ourselves, the things we love to do, and the people who have been there for us before he stepped into our lives. It’s not uncommon for women to begin canceling lunch dates with friends, spending less time with family, and even stop participating in some of the activities they used to do before they started dating a new guy. We stay up until all hours of the night on the phone or out on a date, stop exercising, and sometimes we even forget to eat!
It’s no wonder that when I ask women what one of their biggest fears is when it comes to dating, marriage, and relationships, one of the top answers is, “I’m afraid of losing myself in the relationship.”
While all of this is perfectly natural, it’s important that we remember to keep our lives, even though he’s in it! Why? Well, just ask some of the women in your life who have been in a relationship or marriage for a while and who didn’t do this. They will let you know how unhappy and unfulfilling it can be to forget about yourself and who you are once you’re in a relationship.
I know this to be true, because it happened to me. It took me 7 years – and getting over a lot of guilt and resentment – to begin to find myself again!
Losing and Finding Myself Again
I don’t even know how it happened. It’s not like my husband – then-boyfriend – ever asked me to stop singing, exercising, or going out with my girlfriends. It’s not like he said I shouldn’t go to church or take courses I was interested in. He never once even mentioned anything like this. However, I gradually stopped doing the things that I enjoyed – the thing that made me ME, and, after a few years I was so full of resentment that I misdirected toward my husband. Truth be told, I was angry at myself and wasn’t sure what I could do to change the habits I’d created over the years.
Little by little, I began practicing more self-care and doing the things I enjoyed again. I started taking courses, starting my spiritual practices, and going out with my girlfriends again. I began taking time to get my hair done at a time that worked for me, and, slowly, but surely, I began to feel like me again!
Now, it took some time for us – both my husband and me – to get used me taking and making time for me. I did struggle at times with guilt about not spending time with my husband and kids. However, the happier and more fulfilled I became, the more encouraging he became and the easier it was!
So, what are some of the things you can do to avoid losing yourself in a relationship?
1. Focus on you. I know it seems counter-intuitive in a relationship, but the more you focus on making yourself happy, the better your relationship will be! It’s okay to spend some time apart. And he’ll love the idea of you being happy and having fun, even if he has to wait to see you.
2. Nourish other relationships. It’s easy to want to spend a lot of time with the man you love. However, don’t forget all the people who were there for you through the good times and bad, while he was finding his way to you! Spend time with your family and friends, even if he doesn’t come along.
3. Give him space to keep his life, too. I know it’s hard to believe, but he also had a life before you, so it’s likely he’ll have things he likes to do, friends and family he wants to spend time with, and times he’ll want to be alone. Avoid the temptation to feel jealous or try to guilt him into spending time with you. Feeling like he has the space to be himself will make him feel happy, too (Plus, he’ll be the envy of all of his friends whose girlfriends/wives are calling, texting, and giving them hard time while they’re hanging out with him!)
The more you take time to do the things you enjoy, that make you feel peaceful and allow you to express yourself and be you, the better girlfriend, wife, and parent you will be. Why? Because you can’t be peaceful, loving, and patient if you’re feeling frazzled, resentful, and depleted! By keeping your life even though he’s in it, you will be replenishing your mind, body, and spirit regularly, which is a critical ingredient for creating an intimate and happy relationship!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Want to learn more about how to not lose yourself in a relationship? Then join us on Tuesdays, for our Relationship Coaching Calls, offered by Heart’s Desire International and Laura Doyle. We have separate calls for single ladies and those who are girlfriends and wives. Each bi-weekly call focuses on a different relationship and intimacy skill that will lead to you experiencing the relationship your heart desires!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 5, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the first questions I ask a woman who I’m speaking to for the first time is, “What do you want?”
Typically, if the woman is single, she’ll respond that she wants to be in a relationship.
If she’s already in a relationship or married, she’ll say she wants to have a good relationship with her boyfriend or husband.
Sounds pretty clear, right? Wrong!
Saying that you want to be in a relationship is to general, too broad. Do you want to be in just any relationship? For example, do you want to be in a relationship where you’re always wondering whether or not he really loves you, whether you can trust him, and whether the relationship is going anywhere permanent? Or do you want to be in a relationship where you know every moment of every day that the man you love loves, cherishes, and wants to be with you and only you?
Even saying that you want to have a good relationship isn’t clear enough, either. What does “good” mean, for you? Does it mean simply not fighting? I’ve worked with women who live in a “peaceful” household, simply because she and her husband rarely look at or speak to one another. Plus, why settle for “good,” when you can have “amazing,” “unbelievable,” and “extraordinary” love?
When you think about what you want when it comes to relationships, you need to be crystal-clear. Now, this doesn’t mean that you create a 100-point check system, where the man you’re with has to meet all of the listed criteria. In fact, this has nothing to do with the man! It has to do with what you want to experience in a relationship.
So, how do you get crystal-clear about the experience you want to have in the relationship?
1. Admit you want to be in a loving relationship. This one’s for the single ladies and those who are in a relationship that’s not quite where you’d like it to be right now. Too many women claim that they are “fine” without being in a loving relationship. And they probably are. But, if you’re like me, I want more than just a “fine” life. I want an amazing, extraordinary life that includes the experience of loving and being loved by someone every day of it! Admitting that you want to be loved does not make you weak or any less capable or powerful. It just makes you human! So, go ahead! Admit that you want to be loved, desired, and adored!
2. Create a vision of the experience you want to have in the relationship. It isn’t enough to use words like, “good,” “happy,” or “fun.” What does good, happy, and fun look like, sound like, and feel like? How do you feel when you’re together? What is the visible evidence of your happiness, excitement, and connection? Have fun with this! It’s your vision, your dream, your love story! Go as big and as bold as you want! The great news is that it’s completely yours to create and manifest, so make sure you’re inspired by your vision!
3. Share your vision with others. The relationship of your dreams shouldn’t be the world’s best-kept secret! If you want to begin living that experience you’ve created, tell people about it. Choose 2-3 people who you trust and who will pull for and stand for you to have that. People who love you want to see you happy. Let them know about the happiness you want to experience in a romantic relationship.
This is just the beginning of the type of work we do with our clients. There’s a much deeper process that includes removing the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that are standing in the way of you actually believing that this kind of relationship is possible and that it’s possible for you!
If you’re single, and you live in the S. Florida area, then you’re in luck, because we’ll be going deep into this exercise tomorrow, Saturday, April 6th, at the “Attract & Marry the Man Who’s Right for You” 1-Day Workshop. We’ll be removing all of the invisible barriers standing between you and the love you want to experience every day for the rest of your life! We’ll be replacing those fears with empowering beliefs, affirmations, real-life practices, and new and empowering habits that will take you from where you are to the relationship of your dreams!
For more information about the workshop and to register (there are still a few seats left), just click here NOW.
Girlfriends, and wives, don’t worry! Your workshop is coming soon! Make sure to subscribe to receive our newsletter so that you don’t miss out on the workshop that will take your existing relationship from where it is to a whole new level of amazing!
Bottom line: You deserve to experience the love your heart desires, but you’ve got to be crystal-clear about what that is. So, admit you want it, envision it, share it, and soon you’ll be living it!
Here’s to a future filled with breath-taking, amazing and extraordinary love!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
by heartsdesireintl | Apr 1, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
You want to be in a loving, passionate relationship. You have read books and blogs, attended courses, envisioned, wished, hoped, and prayed for the man of your dreams to walk into your life. You want to share your life – the successes, the pitfalls, and the ordinary moments – with a man who loves and accepts you for who you are.
So what’s standing in your way?
You.
It’s your own fears, your doubts, the thoughts that you try not to pay attention to – the ones that tell you:
“You don’t deserve it. You’re not meant to be in a relationship. It’s too late. You’re too old. You’ve gone through too much. You’re okay on your own.”
It’s the disempowering thoughts that have you feel happy for your friend when she announces that she’s met a great guy or she’s getting married while at the same time make you wonder why it can happen for her, but not for you.
It’s the belief that being in a great relationship has to do with being “lucky” rather than being ready. That it has to do with something
outside of yourself, rather than something
you create and attract into your life.
I’m here to let you know that all of those thoughts, fears, and doubts may feel
real, but they’re
not. They are just your mind’s way of keeping you stuck where you are – alone, disillusioned, and terrified that you’re really not going to ever have the love your heart desires.
See, it feels safer to stay where you are than it does to take a risk and put your heart out there again. It seems easier to say you’d rather be alone than to admit that you’d actually like to share your life.
And it’s much easier to place the blame and responsibility of your current circumstances on the ideas that there aren’t any good men out there, that you’re just not “relationship material,” or that it’s better not to get married because people just end up divorced anyway than to honor your desire to be in a romantic, intimate relationship where you get to experience the joy of loving and being loved every day for the rest of your life.So your mind helps protect you from the possibility of being hurt or disappointed.
The questions you want to ask yourself are:
Just how much longer are you willing to put your happiness and your dreams on hold?
How much longer are you going to choose feeling safe over the joy of feeling loved?
Just how long are you willing to stay where you are?
How much longer are you willing to let your fear control you?
If you’re
tired of being stuck, you’re ready to take a bold and courageous step toward creating the life and relationship of
your dreams, and your answer to these questions is
“Not a minute longer!”then join us tonight, Monday, April 1, 2013, from 8:00 – 10:30 p.m. for a
FREE Orientation Call about the upcoming “Attract and Marry the Man Who’s Right for You” 1-Day Workshop that is taking place this Saturday, April 6th.
On this call you will have the opportunity to hear the testimonials of women who have met their boyfriends and husbands as a result of having participated in the workshop.
We’ll also be talking about what you will discover at the workshop, including how to:
- Stop hunting and start attracting the right man
- Ask men to ask you out so that you’re never without a date
- Become your best self and attract men at your level
- Enjoy the pleasure of being pursued
- Make every date fun
This is
your life,
your love story.
You get to have a say in how goes! And we’re here to support and guide you!
Register here to join us tonight for the FREE Orientation Call tonight and get ready to start creating and living you’re very own happily ever after!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Mar 29, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Some of the most common questions I get from women – whether they are single, in a relationship, or married — begin with the words, “How can I get him to…?”
Usually, the women are asking about how they can get their men to do more: How to convince their husbands to help more around the house, how to get their boyfriends to plan their dates, or their dates to move the relationship to the next level.
In each of these examples, there is something beneath the question that is not only driving the woman to doubt that her man will do these things, but, in many cases, is also driving her to take the reins and do them herself.
So, the frazzled wife will continue to resentfully do all of household chores, care for the children, and pay all of the bills herself. The girlfriend will continue making all of the plans for dates and vacations herself. And the single woman will continue to ask the man she’s dating where he thinks the relationship is headed, hinting that she wants more, and driving herself crazy wondering if he’s ever going to let her know whether he sees a future with her.
The underlying factor in each of these examples is FEAR.
When a woman I’m working with asks me how she can get her husband to help her more around the house and with the children, there is an underlying fear that he won’t and that all of the responsibility of managing the household and caring for the kids will fall on her shoulder. So she begins complaining that he doesn’t help her, nagging him to help her (which only makes him want to help her less), reminding him about what he said he would do, and checking up on him to make sure he’s done it. Eventually, when the waiting gets to be too much, or if she doesn’t want to deal with wondering whether or not something will get done, she just ends up doing what he said he would do herself.
If you ask her why, she’ll tell you that if she doesn’t do something, it just won’t get done. What she doesn’t realize however, is that by doing it all, she’s actually sending the message that she doesn’t need help and perpetuating having to do everything by herself. Even if she doesn’t do something, if she invests a lot of time and energy into reminding, checking up on him, and making sure things get done, she might reason that it’s just easier to do it herself.
Is any of this resonating with you?
Too many times we’re so afraid that something we want won’t happen – at least not in the time frame, manner, and to our standard of satisfaction – that we step in do it ourselves. And while this may ensure that what we want gets done, we need to ask ourselves “At what cost?” If we are sacrificing our peace of mind, our level of joy, and the intimacy in our relationship by continuously nagging, being resentful, and feeling completely exhausted, is it really worth what it’s costing us to do it all ourselves?
If the answer is no – and I’m pretty sure it is – what can we do to get past the fear that is driving us to do everything ourselves?
1. Trust. Trust is one of the most essential elements in any relationship. Prior to being in a relationship we had to depend on ourselves. However, once we begin to create a relationship, we no longer have to be independent and we can move toward being interdependent. As scary as it can be sometimes to trust that someone else will follow through and do what he said he would, by trusting him and then stepping out of his way, we allow him the space to do what he said he’d do while sending the message that we trust in his capabilities.
2. Let Go. Once you choose to trust him to do what he said he would, it’s important to release the urge to control by reminding checking up on, reminding, or “helping” him get it done. When you continuously check up on or remind him of what he said he would do, you’re sending the message that you don’t trust him to follow through, which can make him throw his hands up in the air and prove you right. During these times, remind yourself that he doesn’t need back up. If he does, he’ll ask… but he probably won’t.
3. Focus on YOU. One way to help you avoid checking in and resist the urge to take over is to focus on yourself. Rather than worrying about what he is or isn’t doing, focus on the one and only thing you can control: YOU. Do something you enjoy – read a book, spend time with a girlfriend, take a long bath. The less time you spend reminding, supervising, and taking over, the more time you have to spend doing the things you enjoy. This will have you feeling more peaceful, patient, and fulfilled – all attractive qualities and all ingredients of a happy relationship!
It’s not always easy to trust that the man we love or are interested in is going to do what he said he’d do. When we’re in a relationship, however, learning to trust, let go, and focus on ourselves is critical to creating and nurturing a culture of partnership in a relationship. The less you do, the more you’ll experience the joy and peace that comes with knowing that there is someone else who is ready and able to take care of you – if you’ll allow him to.
I know you are a capable woman. I know that you can do anything you put your mind to. I know that in the past you’ve had to rely on yourself to get things done. I know because I’m just like you! However, I also know that, while we can be independent, self-sufficient, and get things done ourselves, one of the great things about being in an intimate relationship is that we no longer have to!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
by heartsdesireintl | Mar 25, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Even if the man you’re dating, committed, or married to is the most wonderful man in the world, chances are that at some point he’ll say or do – or not say or do – something that leaves you feeling hurt. Many times, when we’re hurt, the initial response is to strike back. However, if what we want is to create intimacy in our relationships, it helps choose how we will respond when our feelings have been hurt.
Perhaps what has you feeling hurt is something the man you are dating or in a relationship with didn’t do. Maybe he didn’t invite you to go the company holiday party. Maybe he didn’t call when he said he would. Or perhaps you feel that he didn’t say, do, or wear the right thing when he attended the family wedding with you.
Many times, that feeling of hurt is a result of an unmet expectation. There was a certain way you expected him to be, something you expected him to do or say and he didn’t. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, “Expectations are the recipe for disappointment.” If you think about it – really think about it – what has you disappointed is not so much what he didn’t do, it’s that he didn’t do what you expected him to do.
Maybe what has you feeling hurt is something he said. Perhaps he made a joke at your expense, was critical of something you said or did, or spoke to you in a harsh tone. It’s a very natural reaction to want to say something that hurts at least as much as what he said in return, or, at the very least, to demand that he apologize for what he just said.
Or, what if what has you feeling hurt is the fact that he’s no longer making an effort to see or call you the way he did. Or, if he’s your boyfriend or husband, you may feel like he’s spending a lot of time at work, with his buddies, or immersed in a hobby, leaving very little time for the two of you to spend together.
Any one of these situations could leave a woman feeling hurt. The question is, how can we express how we are feeling when we are hurt in a way that nurtures, rather than breaks down, the intimacy in the relationship?
1. Check your expectations at the door. If the reason you are hurt is due to something he didn’t do or say, it may very well be that you are dealing with an unmet expectation. Rather than tell him, “I felt hurt when you didn’t invite me to the company party” or “I was hurt when you went to your friend’s wedding without me,” it would be wise to check the intention behind the words you want to say before you actually speak them. In these two examples, the truth is that you expected him to do those things. When he didn’t, you were left feeling disappointed. If you tell him that what he didn’t do, at best, you’ll get a half-hearted apology (because, although he’s apologizing, he really didn’t do anything wrong. He simply didn’t do what you thought was “right.”) At worst, he’ll feel like you are telling him what he should do, and men simply don’t being controlled, nor do they want to be “mothered,” so you may find that you actually end up pushing him away. So, rather than try to manipulate him into either feeling guilty or doing what you want him to do, just realize that this was an instance of unmet expectations and let go of the need to say something.
2. Refrain from striking back. It’s an almost-knee-jerk reaction to defend ourselves when someone says something that is hurtful. We don’t like feeling like we’ve been criticized or sucker-punched by someone else’s words. The problem is that this kind of response is likely to lead to an argument, and, whether you just started dating someone or you’ve been together for years, arguments rarely ever lead to anyone actually winning. More often than not, things are said that we regret and then have to apologize for later, and, meanwhile, the intimacy and connection we want is being chipped away with a verbal ice pick. In these situations, it’s better to not say something simple, like “Ouch,” or say nothing at all. When you do this, what lingers in the room is the last thing he said, which means he has to be at the impact of the words he chose to say to the woman he cares about or loves. When that’s all that’s replaying in the space, he’s more likely to apologize for his words. And because you chose to maintain your own dignity, there won’t be anything you’ll need to apologize for!
3. Choose to be vulnerable. When we feel like the man we love is pulling away or spending less time with us, it’s natural to feel afraid and insecure. At our core, all of us are afraid of being unloved or abandoned. That fear can lead us to try to get him to come closer again. However, when we complain to him that he’s not spending enough time with us or that he’s making other things more important than the relationship, we can inadvertently push him further away. Rather than respond in anger or by complaining about behavior we wish he would change, we can choose to express ourselves in a more vulnerable way by saying, “I miss you.” These words communicate what we’re actually feeling, rather than what we want or expect him to do, which is more likely to spark in him his natural tendency to want to please and protect you from feeling hurt. As frightening as a vulnerable response can be, it’s always more attractive than nagging – which rarely, if ever, inspires a man to do anything differently.
Now, does all of this mean that we never share how we are feeling? Of course not! It’s important that we are able to express our feelings clearly and purely. However, unless we’re truthful about our intentions before we share our feelings, we’ll almost always be responding in a controlling and manipulative way by trying to get him to change his behavior.
When we can simply share our feelings by saying things like “I feel sad,” “I feel worried,” or “I feel afraid,” without adding the words “because you…” or “when you didn’t/did…” then we can be sure that we’re expressing our feelings purely – without expectations, attachments, or complaints. Then, and only then, does he have the freedom to choose how he will respond because he wants to and not because he feels that he has to. And isn’t that what we wanted in the first place?
Want to learn more about how to express your feelings purely and without expectations or attachments? Then join us on Tuesday, March 25th for our Relationship Coaching Calls, offered by Heart’s Desire International and Laura Doyle. We have separate calls for single ladies and those who are girlfriends and wives. Each bi-weekly call focuses on a different relationship and intimacy skill that will lead to you experiencing the relationship your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Mar 22, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Why is it that many of us postpone our own happiness? We put our work and other responsibilities ahead of our happiness. We keep putting off doing the things that will lead to us having the things we say we want and are important to us.
I do it, too. I talk about how I want to stay slim and healthy, but I’ll make sleeping in more important than getting up to work out, or I’ll put meeting a work deadline ahead of my work out time.
However, dreaming about wearing any bathing suit I’d like this summer is not going to have me burn calories. Complaining about my weight is not going to make the pounds shed or the muscles get firm. Wishing I had a better metabolism is not going to magically transform my body into a slim and toned masterpiece. The only thing that is going to make a difference is me making the time to work out, making healthy food choices, and finally choosing to make my health and well-being a priority.
The same holds true when it comes to having the relationship of our dreams. Many of us put our happiness on hold. We use excuses like there not being any good guys out there, complaining that dating is “hard,” and wishing that our love life would somehow magically change to keep us stuck where we are: frustrated, dissatisfied, and disappointed.
Dreaming about being in a great relationship is not going to have you getting out there and meeting someone new.
Complaining about how there aren’t any good men and how the good ones are all taken is not going to make a great guy call you, out of the blue.
And wishing that he’d just show up on your doorstep so that you don’t have to go out on another date is not going to have the man who is right for you just magically appear.
What’s going to make a difference in your love life is learning about ways to make dating a fun and fulfilling experience that actually leads to you attracting the man who’s right for you into your life. What will make a difference is focusing on yourself and on the things that you can do to actually create the life and love your heart desires!
And tomorrow is the day you can take the first step on the path toward making the relationship of your dreams a reality!
Join us for a FREE Orientation Meeting about the “Attract and Marry the Man Who’s Right for You” 1-Day Workshop.
During this FREE orientation meeting, my twin sister Michelle Roza and I, Gladys Diaz, (a.k.a. “The Love Twins”) will deliver compassionate, practical, and transformational advice that has empowered many single women to attract the romance, intimacy and marriages their hearts desired!
Experience some of the exercises and conversations you’ll be engaged in during the upcoming Surrendered Singles 1-Day Workshop, including how to:
- Stop hunting and start attracting the right man
- Ask men to ask you out so that you’re never without a date
- Become your best self and attract men at your level
- Enjoy the pleasure of being pursued
- Make every date fun
DATE: Saturday, March 23, 2013
TIME: 11:00 a.m. – 1:30 p.m. (Check-in: 10:30 a.m.)
COST: FREE
LOCATION:
PAX: Performing Arts Exchange
337 S.W. 8 St.
Miami, Fl. 33130
(directly under the 95 overpass on your left)
Click here to register!
The bottom line is that you deserve the life and love your heart desires, and it’s up to you to take the first step. Join us and make tomorrow the day that your happily ever after begins! Don’t postpone your dreams a minute longer!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
