Part 1 of this article, which talked about being his lover, not his teacher, seems to have resonated with a lot of women, based on the emails I’ve received and the comments on the blog! Apparently, many of us identify at least a little with feeling “an almost-divine responsibility” to teach men how they should speak, dress, and act! The problem, as I mentioned earlier, is that this teacher-student/mother-son dynamic kills the intimacy in a relationship.
So, you may be wondering what you can say if he does something you don’t like or agree with. Do you just hold your thoughts and feelings in until they spew out of your mouth like lava from the mouth of a volcano? Do you pretend to agree, even if you don’t? Do you give up your rights to ever say what you think, want or feel?
No!
Not sharing your feelings is not healthy, nor does it permit intimacy to grow in a relationship. Pretending to be someone you’re not is in authentic. After all, he can’t fall in love with you, if you are not there. And you have a right to think and feel the way you do.
The catch? So does he!
See, the fact that you both don’t agree on how every single thing can be said or done does not make either one of you right or wrong. You’re just different. This is why it’s important to remember what I often tell my kids:
Not everything that pops into your head necessarily needs to pop out of your mouth.
Judgments, complaints and criticisms are not your opinions because they’re not aboutyou. No matter how nicely you phrase a complaint or criticism, it still sends the message: “You’re wrong.”
So, instead of telling him what he should or shouldn’t be doing, which has all of your attention going over there, to where he is, turn the mirror around and focus your attention on yourself.
For example, imagine that the guy you are seeing says he’s going to call, and he doesn’t. While you may want to tell him something like “You shouldn’t say you’re going to call if you’re not, because that’s rude and inconsiderate” – which is not at all about your feelings, but what you think he did wrong – you could focus on how you’re actually feeling and say, “I was disappointed I didn’t get to talk to you” or “I was looking forward to your call.”
Notice how these statements focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did or didn’t do.
Or perhaps you’re going on a first date and the guy says he wants you to drive up to where he lives to meet him, or to meet him at a halfway mark. If you would be picked up, or meet closer to your home, that’s what you would say: “I’d rather not drive that far,” or “I prefer to be picked up.”
Neither of these statements is teaching him or telling him what to do. You are simply stating your preferences and then he gets to choose what to do with that information – to either fulfill your desire, or not.
If your husband or boyfriend has been eating fast food three days in a row because he’s been working long hours, instead of telling him, “You should take a healthy lunch so that you’re not eating all of that grease and wasting all of that money,” there are several things you could do.
You could acknowledge that he’s a grown man who probably already knows that fast food is not the healthiest food choice and trust him to make what he feels are the best decisions for himself.
You could also choose to focus on the times he does make a healthy choice and point that out, instead. In this case, you could say, “It was a great idea to cook extra fish so that you have something healthy to take for lunch tomorrow.” This way, instead of focusing on what you don’t agree with or approve of, you’re choosing to focus on what you’d like to see happen more often!
The point is that people don’t like to be told what the should do or what they’re doing wrong, and they rarely choose to change out of being badgered, criticized, or made to feel badly.
Assuming that you are dating or in a relationship with an adult, you can trust that he knows how to take care of himself. After all, he managed to survive several decades before meeting you, right?
Respecting his choices and ideas as his choices and ideas – without trying to fix or change him or them – doesn’t mean you agree with them. It simply means you respect them. And respect is a key ingredient in any relationship.
So, the next time you have the urge to teach, correct, criticize, or give your unsolicited advice or opinion, ask yourself whether you want to be the one who teaches him what he should do or the one who gets to love and accept and be loved and accepted by him. Then remind yourself that there’s probably no better way to let him know you love him than letting him know that you trust and respect him and his choices!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
I started my career as a teacher. I absolutely love knowing I’m making a difference in the lives of the people I teach – whether they be children, other educators, my own kids, or my clients. Helping someone discover something new that changes the way they see and understand things is one of the most rewarding feelings for me.
There is one person in my life, however, who doesn’t quite appreciate me “teaching” him: My husband.
See, for years, I didn’t realize that I was spending a lot of time trying to teach my husband how to eat healthier, dress better, or express his emotions in a more calm way. I didn’t realize that every time I began a sentence with “You should…,” “You shouldn’t…,” or “What I would do is…,” he was cringing inside! Why? Well, first of all, because, usually, he hadn’t asked me for my help! All of that unsolicited, “helpful advice” was coming across as condescending, and, while I thought I was coming from a helpful place, all he heard from me was criticism and correction – like I was trying to fix or change him.
And, you know what? He was right!
The truth is that, while I used the cloak of trying to be helpful or giving my honest opinion, when I gave my husband unsolicited advice, it was usually because I thought there was something he could or should be doing differently. Rather than respecting his way of doing things, I felt it was my duty to let him know how he could or should do it differently or better (a.k.a. my way).
Once I began realizing just how negatively this was impacting my relationship, in that my husband was withdrawing and resisting everything I suggested (to the point where it seemed he was purposefully doing the opposite of anything I said), I began making a real effort to think before speaking and to be totally honest with myself about why I felt the need to say something. Was it really about sharing my opinion – my unsolicited opinion – or was it because I was trying to change his mind about how he should do something. Once I began to catch myself, I was able to see that a lot of the time, it really was about me wanting him to do things my way. And it was costing me big time when it came to the intimacy in our relationship.
So, does this mean that as women in a relationship we never get to say what we think, how we feel, or what we want? Not at all!
My husband and I now have an agreement that if either one of us wants coaching or would like the other’s opinion, then we clearly make the request by saying something like, “I’d like your opinion…” or “I’d really like some coaching.” This request is crystal-clear and it helps both the person who is requesting the advice or coaching andthe one doing the listening, because now, if I’m the listener, I know that there is a different way I should be listening to what he’s saying. If he’s not requesting my advice, I can just be a generous listener. And, even then, the only way I can really give my opinion or coaching is if I’m really listening to him and listening for what he is asking. If I’m only half-listening, or only thinking about what I’m going to say, chances are that what I end up saying may not be relevant to what he’s shared. And, even when he asks for my opinion, I like to ask him what he thinks first so that I can see what he’s already thinking of doing. This gives me the opportunity to be supportive and respectful of his ideas, because, ultimately, he’s going to want to make the choice that feels right to him. Notice how I said that the choice feels right to him, notto me! (smile)
I wish I could say that I never revert to “teacher mode” anymore. That I’m completely devoid of the need to want to correct or tell my husband how he might say, do, or approach something differently. The truth is that now and again, I do tell him how he should drive, what I think he should say to an employee, or why I think he’s hit a plateau on his weight loss. The truth is that I’m not perfect, and that the need to be right does creep up every once in a while. The difference now is that I can recognize when I’ve done it and I’ll apologize to him. And, sometimes, when I’m really being aware of my speaking, I may even catch myself as I’m doing it, and I will immediately stop myself mid-sentence and apologize to him for trying to tell him what to do. Usually, he’ll respond by giving me that smile that says, “Thanks, Babe!” (I love that smile!).
On thenext blog post, I’ll be sharing some very specific statements that can use to share what you feel, want and think in such a way that it doesn’t come across as teaching, fixing, or trying to change the man you are dating or in a relationship with!
Being a relationship coach is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. There is absolutely nothing better than helping a woman who has given up on love begin to break through the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that have been stopping her from allowing love to find her. It’s so fulfilling to watch someone meet the man she’s been waiting for all of her life and see them building a life of dreams together. Perhaps my favorite part is that inevitable moment when she calls to tell me they’re getting married and how she really thought this would never happen for her! It’s one of the few times I love being “right”!
As with anything else, even being a relationship coach has its down side sometimes. Many of the calls I get are from women who are giving up on love, not because they are single, but because they can’t seem to figure out what went wrong and what they need to do to make their marriage work. It’s heartbreaking to hear them talk about how great things between them and their husbands used to be and how difficult things are now – constant bickering; very little, if any, intimacy; and feeling lonely, even though they are in a relationship.
The worst part is that this is a pretty common conversation. I receive these types of phone calls and emails all the time from women asking, “What happened?” “Where did the love go?” “Is there any way to get it back?”
Thankfully, when a woman reaches out to me, it’s usually because she’s ready to begin turning things around. Even if she’s still at the point where she’s blaming him for the state of their marriage, if she’s reaching out, I know in my heart that there is a very good chance that, if she’s willing to do the work, she’ll be amazed at how quickly her experience of being married is going to change!
But why is it that a happy, loving, peaceful romance can sometimes turn into a war zone? How is it that the same two people who at one point could not imagine living the rest of their lives without one another can get to the point where they can’t be in the same room without insulting and tearing each other down? And, more importantly, is there any way to prevent this from happening or turn thingsaround?
Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why some marriages don’t last and what can be done to prevent this and Keep the Love Alive in your relationship so that it can last for a lifetime.
Thinking that great marriages “just happen.”
I don’t know if we should sue Disney or the authors of every fairy tale and romance novel ever written, but this idea that happily ever after just happens, is an illusion! Nothing that lasts or that is of importance – one’s health, wealth, or success in any area of one’s life – lasts without putting time, effort, and, at times, money into it. Take shows like Extreme Weightloss or The Biggest Loser, for example. Even after those people go through 6 months to a year of intense training, changing their eating habits, and living an entirely new lifestyle, and lose hundreds of pounds, there is absolutely no way for them to maintain that new body if they do not continue exercising, eating healthy, and making the right choices for their bodies.
So, why is it that we think relationships are any different? Even if you have the most romantic, loving, and intimate relationship, unless you make it a point every single day to nurture the love and respect in that relationship, there is absolutely no way that it will be able to sustain the curveballs that life throws your way: illness, loss of a job, death of a loved one, or everyday stress. It’s only when we make our relationships a priority in our lives and give them the time and attention they deserve that we can begin solidifying the foundation and continue building on the love that we have in the beginning of the relationship.
Getting too comfortable.
I’m not going to lie, I’m glad I no longer have to worry about if I’ll ever be married or have the family I always dreamed of. There is a sense of peace in knowing that you’ve attracted the man who has promised to love you for the rest of his life. But I have to be conscious about not taking this blessing for granted. However, I see way too many people who have gotten comfortable in their relationships and are no longer trying to make them fun and romantic. They settle into being busy, being parents, and – if they can tolerate one another – becoming friendly housemates. But the passion, romance, and fun that used to be in their relationships are nowhere to be found. They begin to feel bored and grow apart.
Again, if you want to have a relationship where love, fun, and romance are present, rather than waiting for your partner to bring fun, love, and romance into the relationship, it’s going to be up to you. In other words, you need to choose to be the love you want to see and experience in your life.
Not believing that things will change.
Another reason many marriages do not last is because, when things begin to change, or it begins to seem as if the romance is beginning to fade, people get scared. They get scared that they won’t be able to turn things around and that things will continue to get worse. They’re afraid that their partner doesn’t want the relationship to work. And the fear has them not even try – it actually paralyzes them, and they will pretend everything is fine, ignore the situation, and not take the steps they can take to recommit, reconnect, and restore the intimacy in their relationships.
It can be scary to think that the relationship you promised to be in for the rest of your life is coming apart. But, if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: You have the power to create the relationship your heart desires. It is entirely up to you. And, while you may not know exactly what you can do right now, know that help and support are available, and it is absolutely possible to have the love, intimacy and romance you want.
Michelle and I are passionate about helping women restore the romance in their relationships. This is why we are hosting the “Keeping the Love Alive”Workshop on September 21, 2013. In this half-day workshop, women will discover:
How to continue becoming the best version of yourself
The keys to communicating in a way that has him hear what you are saying
The practical things you can do each day to keep the romance alive in your relationship
How to give your husband what he wants more than anything else (and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!)
In a committed relationship that you are hoping will lead to a happy marriage
A bride-to-be who is ready to learn how to make your marriage a romance that lasts for a lifetime
A happily married woman who is interested in taking your marriage to new levels of love, passion, and intimacy
A married woman who wants to discover how to bring the passion and romance back into your marriage
So, if you’re ready to begin infusing your relationship with more love, passion, intimacy, and fun that you can stand,join us onSaturday, September 21, 2013 from 10:00am – 1:00pm!
Location:
Italy Today6743 Main StreetMiami Lakes, FL 33014
Cost:
$45 pre-sale / $50 at the door
BOGO with a friend! Buy 1 ticket and get the second one for 50% off! $67 Pre-sale / $75 at the door
**Be one of the first 10 women to register after reading this post, and we’ll enter your name in a raffle to win a great date night gift!**
If you live outside of Florida, and you’d like support, contact us so that we can work with you to help you create the relationship you deserve and your heart desires!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
The other day a friend shared with me a video about a man who had written a song for his late wife, Lorraine. The video was about how Fred had entered a song-writing contest, and how the producers were so inspired by his story that, while the man’s song did not win the contest, they decided to move ahead with producing the song. The video brought so much attention to the song that it was #1 on iTunes last week!
While the story of how the song came about was inspiring, and the song itself is super-sweet, the part of the video that stuck with me most was the way that Fred spoke of his Sweet Lorraine. You could see the love he felt for her when he described the day he met her, how beautiful she was, and how their life together felt like a dream.
Toward the end of the video he says, “It was a wonderful 75 years, that I just often think that it was kind of unreal… dreaming or something, but it was real. That’s all I can say…real.”
This story got me thinking about so many things. I thought about how blessed this couple was to have experienced so many wonderful years together. I began imagining all of the ups and downs they must have experienced. As much as they loved each other, it’s likely they had both good days and bad, that they had the occasional argument, and that they had moments where they laughed until their sides hurt. I thought about how, in today’s day and age, it seems unreal that a couple could stay together and in love for 75 years, when so many couples go into marriage with an exit strategy in place “in case things don’t work out.”
I talk to women all the time who are either afraid to begin dating or get into a committed relationship, because they worry that eventually the love will begin to fade. What if we get bored of one another? What if the romance begins to fade? What if we outgrow one another?
I also work with woman who are already married and feel like the spark has begun to fade. They’re afraid that there’s nothing they can do to turn the relationship around – so afraid, that they’ll settle, thinking “Nothing will change,” and resist taking on new habits, ways of speaking and being that can potentially transform their relationship into the loving, passionate union they once had.
The truth is that people do grow and change over the years. Kids sometimes come into the picture, life happens, circumstances change, and all of these things can affect your relationship. It’s also true, however, that your happiness is entirely up to you, and that you have the ability to bring more love, happiness, and peace into your relationship than you ever imagined, if you’re willing to be vulnerable and courageous enough to do it.
I think of Fred and Lorraine’s love, and I smile because I believe that this type of love is absolutely possible for everyone – yes, including you! This is why Michelle and I are hosting a very special live event on Saturday, September 21, 2013 called, “Keeping the Love Alive After ‘The Big Day.’”
In this event, you’ll learn the secrets to keeping the love, passion and romance alive long after your wedding day.
In this seminar, you will discover:
How to continue becoming the best version of yourself
The keys to communicating in a way that has him hear what you are saying
The practical things you can do each day to keep the romance alive in your relationship
How to give your husband what he wants more than anything else (and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!)
This seminar is for you if you are:
A woman who is in a committed relationship that you are hoping will lead to a happy marriage
A bride-to-be who is ready to learn how to make your marriage a romance that lasts for a lifetime
A happily married woman who is interested in taking your marriage to new levels of love, passion, and intimacy
A married woman who wants to discover how to bring the passion and romance back into your marriage
And, because we believe that your friends and the people with whom you surround yourself are a big part of making your relationships and marriages a success, we are offering a “BOGO with a Friend” special, so that you can buy one ticket and get the second one for 50% off!
Join us and discover how to create the foundation for living your own real-life happily ever after!
This weekend, I had the privilege of being invited to speak on a panel at the 2013 Niche Parent Conference. While I was very honored by the invitation, I was also terrified! See, the topic on which I was asked to speak was not dating or relationships – well, at least not the romantic relationships I’m used to speaking about. I was invited to talk about how we’ve used Heart’s Desire International’s Facebook page to connect with our community, establish relationships with our readers and clients, and build our business and our brand.
To say that I felt like I was stepping outside of my comfort zone is a huge understatement! First of all, I’m not a Facebook expert, we don’t have thousands of followers on our page, and I was speaking to an audience of experienced bloggers who may have already known some of the things I was going to share. I was so terrified that two days before the conference I was ready to let the person who invited me know that I just couldn’t do it.
Thankfully, a good friend of mine got me to see (ironically, via a Facebook chat) that I wasn’t invited to speak as a Facebook expert or because of the number of “Likes” on my page. She helped me realize that, while we may not have a ton of “Likes” on our page, we use our page to touch Lives, and that lives are heck of a lot more important than “Likes”!
It was at that moment that I saw clearly how I’d been letting my fear keep me from stepping out and doing something that felt uncomfortable for me. So, what did I do? I thought of YOU! I thought of my readers and my clients and how I’m constantly inviting you to step outside of your comfort zone and not allow your fears to stop you from having the loving, intimate relationship your heart desires. I thought about how I invite and challenge you to take steps that are aligned with your goals and dreams, because it’s what you deserve! And I thought about the types of results you have when you choose to trust me and yourselves and take those risks! So… I chose to follow my own advice!
Here’s a quick video message I shot for you on the terrace of the hotel, sharing what I did to move past my fears, step outside of my own comfort zone, and take a risk that was aligned with my goals!
Thanks again for the inspiration and for being a part of my journey!
P.S. If you haven’t done so yet, please stop by and “Like” our Facebook page! We share inspirational quotes and messages daily, as well as articles, resources, and advice about love, hope and relationships!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
A very special thanks to Nadia Jones (TheNicheMommy.com) and Parker Lake (Certatim) for the invitation to speak on the panel, Caroline Murphy (SmartyPantsMama.com) for her session on v-logging, which inspired me to get out of another comfort zone and make this on-the-spot video, and all of the mommy bloggers and speakers who inspired me during this amazing conference!
This weekend I had the pleasure of being pleasantly surprised by my hubby. I was feeling so sore after spending most of the day before cleaning out my sons’ playroom. It was pretty late before I finally got to sit down, and the last thing I wanted to do was move. When my husband said, “Let’s go upstairs,” much earlier than we usually go to bed, my first thought was “I don’t want to.” All I wanted to do was sit and relax for a while.
To be honest, I was a little put off. I sort of felt like he was telling me what to do. So I almost said, “No.”
But I’m so glad I didn’t!
As much as I wanted to stay on the couch, laying down actually sounded heavenly, so I slowly got up and began gathering up some things to put away and take upstairs. I could tell he was getting a little anxious, which was beginning to bug me, because I felt like he was hurrying me. But then I saw a hint of a smile and he said, “If you don’t hurry up, you’re going to miss your surprise!”
He had me at “surprise”!
When I got upstairs, the bathroom was lit in vanilla-scented candles, the tub was filled with bubbles, and Michael Bublé was playing in the background!
How romantic is that? Very!
I hugged him and thanked him for such a sweet and romantic gesture and told him that this was exactly what I needed! Then he confessed that he’d been thinking about doing that for me all day, since we had the conversation in the morning as we held one another in the kitchen about wishing we could stay in bed all day, like we used to before we had kids. So sweet!
As I soaked in the bubble bath while getting a lovely foot massage, I thought about how close I came to saying that I didn’t want to go upstairs; how I’d interpreted his excitement about surprising me as him trying to rush me, and how, after all of these years, he’s still able to pleasantly surprise me! I mean, how many couples can say that this type of romance is still alive after 14 years (and two kids)?
So the lessons I learned were:
Be open to going with the flow. True, I initially didn’t want to move from the couch, and I could have expressed that, but he wasn’t suggesting something that would distress or put me out in any way when he suggested we go upstairs, so I am really glad that I chose to go with the flow. Otherwise, I may have missed out on a really romantic evening!
Allow yourself to receive be pleasantly surprised. Sure, the bubble bath, candles and music were sweet, but I think it was even more sweet that my husband had been thinking about and planning the evening all day long! I was too tired to do want to prepare any of that on my own, and, not only did I get to enjoy it, but I also got to see how much he enjoyed seeing me so happy!
The romance does not have to fade with time. There’s a misconception out there that romance is only for “the honeymoon phase.” But what if the honeymoon phase lasted for years – decades, even? The truth is that romance doesn’t fade. We fade. We get comfortable. We forget about how fun it was to surprise and delight in and with one another. And we can choose every day – any day – to bring romance into our relationships!
What about you, what has been one of your favorite romantic surprises? And what will you do to bring fun and romance back into your relationship?
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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