by heartsdesireintl | Jun 16, 2013 | Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
What do you do if you realize you married someone whose life vision is very different from yours and that causes great stress? I am focused on getting a business in place, having a home that I am proud of, family is very important to me. For my husband, the way the house looks isn’t important, family is a bother, and he is struggling in his business. There is very little support for my priorities.
It sounds to me as if you and your husband may simply in two different places at the moment. There are things that you feel are priorities, and he may have different priorities. However, consider different does not mean either set of priorities is right or wrong, good or bad. They are simply different.
I hear that you are frustrated and feeling stressed out. Many times, the frustration we feel is not due to the actual circumstances we are experiencing with our spouse or partner. Instead, the stress is coming from wanting him to feel the same way we do. We expend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to convince him that he’s wrong, that he should change his mind, and, basically, that he should agree and want to do things our way.
I’m like you. I like to have my home tidy, clean, and presentable. For years my husband and I argued about the state of the kitchen counter. At that time, he didn’t have an office in our home, and his space was the counter around our kitchen island. It would be full of mail, his electronics, his watches, and what felt to me like everything else he owned. I asked him repeatedly to please clean off the counter. I explained how much it upset me. I tried tidying up the counter myself (resentfully). I complained, criticized, and nagged him about it. Nothing worked. Most of the time he ignored me and would leave the mess until 5 minutes before company arrived, or until I cleaned it off myself.
Finally, one day, after I’d cleaned up the kitchen and living room areas (everything except the counter), I said, “I love it when the house is tidy and all the surfaces are clear. It makes me feel so peaceful. He didn’t say or do anything then, but we had company coming over the next day, and I vowed I wasn’t going to argue about the counter again. It just wasn’t worth it.
The next day I came downstairs about an hour before the company was set to arrive, and I noticed that the counter was completely cleared off. I smiled and said, “Thank you for cleaning off the counter, honey!” He said, “You’re welcome,” and nothing else. After everyone left and I was cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed he was helping to clean up the living room, so I thanked him for all of his help that day. A little while later he asked me, “Want to know why I cleared off the counter?” I said, “Yes. Why?” He said, “Because you didn’t nag me about it and I knew it would make you happy.” And he was right! It did.
That was about four years ago, and I haven’t had to mention the counters again! Every once in a while it gets a little messy, but once a week, he goes through the mail and gets the counter looking neat again. I’m so grateful for both the effort he makes to please me and the peace in my home!
I also used to nag my husband about spending too much time on the computer or playing video games. I used to tell him he should get a better job or ask for a raise. And I’d remind him constantly about the things he said he’d do that he hadn’t done yet.
I thought I was just telling him what I felt was important. I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. And, many times, I thought that, if he really loved me, and if he was really the right guy for me, he would do these things without me having to tell him.
What I didn’t realize was that all of the complaining, criticizing, and correcting was actually causing the opposite of what I wanted to happen. See, when all we do is tell our husbands what they are doing wrong or not “right enough,” all they can hear is that they are “wrong” and that they need to be “fixed” or “changed.” And, quite frankly, they don’t like being told what they should do any more than we do!
There isn’t a man on this planet who will tell you that he’s been inspired to change or do anything differently by his wife or girlfriend’s nagging. In fact, the more we nag about something, the more we can expect that behavior to stay in place.
So, what can we do to get more help, more time, and more support? Simply express your desires. Expressing your desires is about telling him what you want or don’t want, but not what you want him to do or not do.
So, rather than saying, “I want you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, instead of leaving it on the floor,” ask yourself what it is that you want. Focus on the end result. If you think about it, what you really want is a neat room, so just say, “I want the room to look neat.”
Instead of complaining and saying, “You never take me out dancing anymore,” say, “I’d like to go dancing.”
Instead of complaining that he never helps around the house, say, “I want to make meatloaf, but I don’t want to wash the dishes.”
Instead of telling him, “You should spend more time with me and the kids,” tell him, “I’d like to spend time with you” or, even better, “I miss spending time with you.”
In each of these examples, you are focusing on what you want, not on what you want him to do. This presents him with an invitation, instead of an obligation. And, when we let our men know what we want, purely, with no expectations or criticisms, that’s what inspires them. They just want to please us!
I know it sounds too simple. I know, because I often feared that just saying what I wanted wouldn’t be enough. I felt I might need to give him the reasons and explain why I wanted what I wanted. But I’ve found that the more purely I express what I want, the better!
So, I invite you try it. Instead of telling your husband all of the things he’s not doing to support you, just tell him what would please you. Start the sentence with “I want…” or “I’d like,” and remember to focus on the end result, instead of what you think he should do.
And, of course, when he does something that pleases you and helps fulfill your desires, thank him. Let him know that you noticed and that you appreciate it. When he knows that he’s pleased you and that he’s also appreciated, that will ignite within him the desire to continue wanting to please you. At the same time, you’ll be creating a wonderful dynamic of respect, generosity, and gratitude and bringing peace and tenderness back into your marriage!
Please let me know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 15, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have recently reconnected with a past friend/relationship. There was no sex or desire to be with him then. Then one day 2yrs ago, I had a problem with my phone and contacted the company, and who came to my door… him! He was filling in for another guy who was on holidays. I think “What’s the chance of this happening?”
It’s been 16yrs and we have both traveled and had lives. He is married and I’m a single parent. Our connection this time round is very strong and soulful. He said he loved me and my inner core was so happy.
He is unhappy in his marriage and we have been talking and not gone to the next step. My thoughts are with him all day and he says he feels the same. I do love him, but where and what do we/I do now? I close my eyes and I can see us together in the future. I haven’t had this before. Is he a soulmate?
I can see how having someone pop back into your life again after so many years could have you asking “What’s the chance of this happening?” and wondering whether this was “meant to be.” I can also hear that you feel a deep connection to him and want to be with him.
You’re asking what you should do. I think a more important question for you to answer is, “What do I want to experience in a relationship?” This question is critical because, unless you know what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. For the past two years, you have been involved with a married man. I acknowledge you for not taking it to the next step, and I also wonder why he’s still married after two years if he’s really that unhappy in his marriage and wants to be with you.
Please understand that I’m not saying this to be mean. This is your choice to make and you know what works best for you. It just sounds like you have really fallen for and want a relationship with him and that you may have invested to years of your life in a man who is unavailable and unable to commit to you because he is still married to someone else.
I have way too many stories of clients and friends who waited and waited for the man they were in love with to leave his wife, only to end up broken-hearted after several years. The fact of the matter is that until a man is divorced from his wife – not just “separated,” but legally divorced – he is still legally bound to his wife. This makes him unavailable to anyone else, because, even if he wanted to marry someone else, right now, he couldn’t, because it is illegal to do so.
Some women will argue that the man says he is miserable and that the divorce is complicated, or that his wife won’t agree to the terms. What I’ve seen in my experience is that, when a man wants out, he gets out and figures out a way to deal with all of the complications.
The fact that it’s been two years and he’s still married makes me wonder about just how unhappy he is and how willing he is to begin a life with you. I’m not saying that he’s lying about how unhappy he is. However, he is lying – at least to his wife – if she is unaware of what is going on and that he’s been building this intimate friendship/relationship with you.
You ask what you should do now. The answer is going to come from what it is you want to experience in a relationship. I can hear that what you want is a loving, intimate connection with a soulmate. You just need to ask yourself whether that dream relationship also includes being with a person who is faithful and completely committed to being with you and you, alone.
If not, and you’re willing to be involved with a married man, while I don’t recommend it, then you can choose to proceed with allowing this relationship to move to another level. If, however, love, connection, commitment and fidelity are important to you, then, right now, this is not the right man for you, because he’s simply unavailable.
Either way, the choice of whether to continue with or end this relationship is yours to make. In choosing, I recommend that you think about what you really want and then make the choice that honors that desire and leaves you feeling the most loved and fulfilled!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 14, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I was grocery shopping, not looking my best at all, and this super handsome guy started talking to me about the almond milk we were both buying. Then he asked about what I was checking out, and it was these beautiful round beets. I proceeded to tell him how I cook them. I was nervous because he was so good looking. I then had to pack my bags and deal with payment to the cashier. But I made sure to give him a huge beaming smile and said, “Enjoy your almond milk.”
I did the whole flirty thing, not worrying about my looks – even told him my secret recipe of adding a spoonful of coconut oil to chilled almond milk, which makes a little crunchy ice sorbet. I was being myself. You know what? It felt good.
Was there something I could have asked him without being weird or overbearing to continue flirting? I see no divine obstacle to one meeting one’s future husband in line at the supermarket. The thing is, what to do with it? How does one prepare for these sudden flirty moments, be open yet classy, because I was packing my groceries, averting my gaze, knowing he was looking at me, and was very nervous although it felt awesome, too.
First, I want to acknowledge you for getting your flirt on! It’s obvious that you were doing something to send the message that it was safe for this guy to approach and speak with you. I especially like how you didn’t let concerns about how you looked stop you from interacting with him and flirting back!
You smiled and chatted with him, but I hear that you feel there was something missing or something that you could have done to keep the flirt going. The good news is that you didn’t do anything “wrong.” The even better news is that there are a few other things you can do to be “flirt-ready” when the opportunity to flirt with someone presents itself!
- Let him see you smile. Many women underestimate the magnetic power of a smile. There is something about a smile that, not only makes you look happy, but also translates into feeling happy. It also lets men know that you are someone who is “safe” to approach, meaning that there’s a good chance they won’t be rejected if they choose to come up to and speak with you.
- Let him know you’d like to go out with him. Now, this does not mean that you ask him out on a date. Instead, you ask him to ask you out by showing interest in something that he mentions during conversation. You can also give him your number and tell him you’d love to go out with him if he’s interested. This, sends him the message that you’d probably say yes, if he asked. It’s also very different from asking him on a date, because you are leaving the actual asking for the date and the pursuing up to him.
- Always be “flirt-ready.” It always makes me smile when women mention that they met a guy right after working out at the gym, at the grocery store, and in unexpected places or events. That’s why it’s important to always be flirt-ready and try to look your best. Am I saying that you have to look like a Stepford Wife each time you leave the house because men are only interested in your looks? No, but, when you look good, you feel good, and you emit radiant, feminine energy. And that’s what men are attracted to. So, even if you’re not dressed to the nines, before you leave the house check to see if you feel good about the way you look and remind yourself that this just might be “the day” you meet the man of your dreams!
Being pleasantly surprised is one of my favorite aspects of dating and relationships. Love can enter your life when and where you least expect it. This is why you can never really know when you may meet the man who will eventually ask you to share your life with him. So, as my older son, who is a Cub Scout would say: Be prepared. Smile, give him your number or let him know you’d like to see him, and look and feel your very best!
And expect the unexpected!
Comments? Questions? Was this answer helpful? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 13, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I am a woman in my late forties, and have no trouble attracting men. However, once I have attracted them I have a very hard time letting them know that the attraction is mutual. I find it almost impossible to even smile at them. I am very aware that I am getting in my own way on my path to love. How can I uncover what is causing this pattern, and how do I overcome it?
I want to begin by acknowledging you for being self-aware enough to recognize that you are the one actually standing in the way of attracting the love you want. Many women would make it about the men, rather than themselves, so you’re definitely on the right path to creating a breakthrough for yourself in this area!
In my experience, one of the first things a man notices, which lets him know that It’s “safe” to come over and speak to a woman is her smile. A smile usually attracts attention and lets men know that you are approachable, which makes leads me to believe that, at some point, you are actually smiling, and then, once a man comes over to and shows interest in you, you tend to not be comfortable with the attention.
So the question is, what is it that makes you uncomfortable about a man being attracted to you?
Sometimes, the answer to this question is pretty simple. It usually has to do with how you see yourself. It may be that, as attracted as men are to you, you still don’t fully love and accept yourself exactly the way you are. Think about it this way, if you were secure about yourself, your worth, and what you bring to the table, there would be no reason to allow a man to get to know you. You would feel comfortable just “being” yourself and then allowing him to choose whether or not he’d like to continue getting to know you by asking you out.
Instead, by not smiling, you are almost guaranteeing that he will get the message that (1) you are not interested in him, and (2) you have no desire for him to pursue getting to know you. This can make the conversation awkward, as he may feel confused, having gotten the message before coming up to you that you were approachable, and then getting a message that you’d like him to stay away. The chances of him asking you out on a date, if this is the vibe he is getting from you, are slim-to-none. As confident as a man is, he doesn’t want to be rejected any more than you do, so he’s likely to protect himself and move on to someone who’s sending a clearer message about what she would like.
The issue may also have to do with the meaning you are giving to smiling and letting him know that the attraction is mutual. Is there a part of you that thinks that, once he starts getting to know you, he won’t be interested in getting to know you better? Is there something about yourself you’re afraid he will discover and not like/accept, so you’re trying to avoid giving him the chance to connect with you so that you don’t have to experience that rejection? If so, it could be that you haven’t brought love and acceptance to that part of yourself. If this resonates with you, perhaps it’s time to bring love, forgiveness, and acceptance to that part of yourself so that you can begin to open up to and experience the love that is already waiting for you.
And, finally, remember that a smile is simply a way to attract attention without any intention. In other words, even if someone is attracted to and begins speaking with you, there are no strings attached, no obligation for it to go any further than a conversation, unless it’s what you want. So, whether or not he asks you out on a date, you still get to choose whether you’d like to go out with and get to know him better.
So, my advice to you is: Relax. Smile. Be Yourself. Don’t allow your fears about what may or may not happen cheat you out of receiving a man’s attention and having fun as you get to know one another. I can hear that you want to get on the path to discovering and experiencing love. It’s time to remove the barriers that have been stopping that love from finding its way to you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 12, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course, he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?
Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves. You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”
I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.” But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you. Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together. Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change. Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.
I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around! So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship? And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?
So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve. And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 11, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
My question has to do with online dating. After writing to a man 2 or 3 times he wanted to get together, and I suggested the next week, not as soon as he offered. He said he would be gone on a trip to Greece for 1 month, and that we could get together after that. Four days after he is due to return my membership is over.
I would like to email him on the website and tell him this, so that we make the plan to meet very soon – or connect by phone. Does this constitute chasing him? Is it better to just wait for him to contact me – or even pay to keep my membership one more month?
Normally, I would tell you to wait to see whether he contacts you after he gets back from Greece. If he’s still interested in seeing you then, he will contact you. I’m wondering why there wouldn’t be any communication during his trip (unless Internet access is going to be an issue). If he does contact you during his trip, that would be a perfect opportunity to let him know that you just realized that your membership expires right after he returns, so he can contact you via email if he’d still like to get together. This way, you’re letting him know how to contact you, and the choice about whether or not to initiate another date lies with him.
In the meantime, you still have about a month of membership time left, so continue connecting with other men, accepting other dates and having fun while he’s away. There’s no guarantee that he will contact you when he returns so it’s up to you to continue sending the message to the world that you are available for the man who’s perfect for you to find and contact you! And remember to smile and flirt and get to know people in person, as well. The more open you are to meeting the right person for you, the more likely you are to attract him to you!
Regarding your question about whether or not to pay to keep your membership one more month, that’s completely up to you. While I wouldn’t recommend keeping it open as a way to ensure that this one guy will contact you, I would recommend it as a way to continue attracting potential beaus into your life. As I mentioned above, the more open and receptive you are to meeting and getting to know new men, accepting invitations to go out, and having fun while dating, the more likely you are to attract to yourself the man and the relationship of your dreams!
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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