by heartsdesireintl | Jan 25, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the most common complaints we hear from single women is that dating is “hard.” Ask a couple what it takes to make a relationship work, and you’ll hear that it takes “hard work.” Whenever we perceive that a task is going to be difficult to achieve, there will automatically be some form of resistance present: procrastination, pessimism, and a lack of energy and vitality.
This is why some single women avoid going out or exploring online dating. It’s easier to stay in the comfort of our homes, where it feels safe and we don’t have to risk feeling disappointed.
It’s also why some couples never make a move toward making the commitment to get married.
And it’s why some couples will endure years of misery – or at the very least, a lack of fulfillment and satisfaction – in their marriages.
When taking the steps toward creating a loving, passionate, lifelong relationship occurs as “hard” and difficult, it just seems easier to settle for (and complain about) the status quo.
But what if dating and relationships didn’t have to be hard? What if they could be fun and fulfilling, instead?
Let’s talk about dating first. One of the main reasons dating can seem scary and difficult for some women is the fact that:
Men got out on dates, and women go out on relationships.
Even before they go on the very first date, many women are already wondering and imagining whether the guy is their “Mr. Right-for-Me.” So much weight is placed on whether or not this date – the first date, by the way – is going to lead to a relationship that the women are rarely ever present on the actual date.
If the date is going well, she’s envisioning meeting his friends and family. If he mentions that he likes kids, she’s imagining their big, happy family. If he says that he’s going skiing on vacation, she’s already imagining the color of the cute ski suit she is going to wear on the trip when he invites her to go (which he hasn’t). If he orders a second glass of wine, she begins to wonder if he has a drinking problem and whether or not she can deal with being married to an alcoholic. And this is just the first date! He hasn’t even brought up going out together again!
So, what are some easy ways to make dating more FUN?
- Be quiet. Rather than filling the space or silent pauses with nervous chatter, focus on him and what he is sharing in the conversation. The only way to know whether you would like to go out with him again is to actually listen to what he’s telling you about himself. Now, you don’t want to sit there like a mime, but do make an effort to listen and learn more about him during the date.
- Be yourself. You don’t have to “wow” him, like you would on an interview or an audition. You already made the first cut when he chose to ask you out. Now it’s his turn to let you see why you might want to choose to go out with him again.
- Be present. The key to making dates fun is to actually be on the date. Pay attention to what you are doing. Notice the sights and sounds around you. Savor and enjoy the food you’re eating. Try to avoid fast-forwarding into the future or rewinding to the past. Just be on the date.
- Be grateful. If a guy is treating you to a great evening and you’re enjoying yourself, by all means, let him know. Don’t think that he’ll expect anything from you in return. The pleasure of your company is more than enough! But do let him know that you enjoyed the food, the music, the art, or whatever it was that you did together. And if things didn’t go as desirably as you had hoped, be grateful anyway and appreciate the effort he made to try to please you.
These are just a few dating tips that will help you begin to really enjoy going out and getting to know different men. We’ll be covering even more tips in the talk we’ll be presenting at HeartCamp titled, “Relationship FUNdamentals,” where you’ll learn what both men and women can do to make dating and relationships more fun! If you’re in the Miami area on February 2nd, you won’t want to miss it!
Remember, each date is an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. Don’t cheat yourself out of having a great time. Even a not-so-perfect-date lasts only a few hours long. You’ll survive! Just do all you can to find the fun in each situation and allow yourself to experience it!
In my next blog post, I’ll be sharing tips for making relationships FUN!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 22, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My Misdiagnosed Psychic Abilities
Some of you may have already been able to tell this from our business photo, but my business partner, Michelle, and I are twin sisters. Over the years, we have shared the uncanny gift shared by many twins (we call it “The Twin Thing”), 
where we can feel what the other is feeling, or at least know when the other one needs us.
We bless each other before a sneeze, show up at places wearing the same or a very similar outfit, and, at times, have even purchased the same gift for one another. And, for me, “the clincher” was when I almost asked my late husband to take me to the Emergency Room because I was experiencing inexplicable abdominal pain, only to learn a few minutes later that my sister was in labor with her first child!
With all of these types of experiences growing up, I think that somewhere along the way I may have made up the story that I was psychic, because, if you asked me, I could tell you exactly what my husband was thinking or feeling and predict how he was going to respond when I told him something!
For years, I wasted countless hours arguing with my husband, trying to get him to tell me why he was upset, telling him I knew something was wrong with him and asking him why he was lying to me or not telling me about it. If he was quiet or sullen, I would sit there, trying to rewind to the past and figure out what it was that I had done or said to make him angry. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere, I wouldn’t even bother telling him about it because I already knew what he was going to say or think about it. Just thinking about all of the time I spent imagining, interpreting, and predicting everything my husband was saying or thinking is mentally exhausting!
Side Effects of Trying to ‘Communicate’
One side effect of my misdiagnosed clairvoyant abilities was trying to get my husband to talk, even when it was clear he didn’t want to. He would tell me nicely, time after time, that he just needed to be alone and that he didn’t want to talk. Because I knew that something was wrong with us, I would keep trying to explain to him that if our marriage was going to work he needed to be honest with me and tell me what was going on. After all, if our relationship was going to work, then we needed to communicate. When the communication card didn’t work, I would try to make him feel guilty for hurting my feelings by not telling me what he was feeling. And, if that didn’t work, I’d just keep nagging… and nagging… and nagging. Eventually, he would blow up, tell me to shut up (or something worse) and I would break down into a sobbing heap, telling him how mean he was (and never once owning the role I played in getting things to that point). This crazy cycle went on for years.
My Road to Recovery
Thankfully, as I began to realize just how controlling I’d been being in my relationship and began making changes within myself, I also began to realize that I wasn’t psychic and that there was no possible way I could know what my husband was thinking or feeling until he told me. I also realized that my husband was not a child. He didn’t need me to help him figure out what he was feeling, like my children sometimes do. I realized that he’s a really capable man who is trusted to problem-solve and make really important decisions for a multi-billion dollar company. He knows how to identify what’s wrong and come up with a solution. He doesn’t need me to do that for him.
So, I began to see that all of the worrying I was doing when he was sad or upset had very little to do with him. It had everything to do with me. I was afraid that something was wrong with us, so I would make it about us. And, because he wasn’t telling me what was going on, I made it mean that he didn’t trust or want to share things with me and that we had bad communication. The truth is, however, that it was his stuff, and he just needed the time and space to sort things out, figure out what to do, get over his upset, and/or just be left alone in his funk. I didn’t have to wrap myself in the funk or make his mood my mood. So, I began trust my husband to work through things on his own.
When he was withdrawn or sullen, I began giving him space. I’d ask him if everything was okay, and if he said it was or that he didn’t want to talk about it, I would just leave him alone for a while. During that time, because my control gears were freaking out, I would call my sister so that I could sort out my own feelings, or I would paint my nails, go for a walk, read a book, knit – basically anything that would keep me busy and focused on me so that he could sort through whatever it was he was going through himself.
What started to happen was amazing. Because I gave my husband the space he needed to think, calm down, or work through his problems, many times, his funky mood would end just as soon as it began. He would maybe get lost in a movie or video game for a while, and then come by and give me a hug or kiss without saying a word! And sometimes, he would apologize for being in a bad mood and, if he felt like it, he’d tell me what it was all about. But even if he didn’t tell me, it was okay, because I had my loving, funny, caring husband back much sooner than when I used to harp, nag, and beg him to tell me what was going on with him!
The Perfect Prescription
If you’re in a relationship and you, too, suffer from misdiagnosed psychic abilities, here are a few tips to help you get on the path to peace of mind (and relationship):
- When your guy is withdrawn, sullen, or unresponsive, let him be. Give him space to sort things out on his own. Don’t try to assume, predict, or interpret his feelings or behaviors. Just let him be.
- Put the focus back on you.If you’re having trouble leaving him alone, it’s probably because all of your energy is going toward trying to figure out what is happening over there. Instead, put the energy back on you by doing something that is relaxing and pleasurable. When all else fails, call a girlfriend!
- Trust that, if there’s something he needs or wants to tell you, he will. Remember that you fell in love with a capable man who, although he chooses to have you in his life, doesn’t need you to solve his problems. And that, if he does want your help, he’ll ask for it.
- Choose peace over control. The fact that he needs alone time does not mean he doesn’t love you. In fact, he may be doing all he can to shield you from his funky mood simply because he does love you. Let go of the need to control him or the situation.
By following these tips you are choosing peace and intimacy over the need to know, pry information out of him, or not honor his request to be left alone. All of these steps will lead to experiencing more peace in your relationship and will create an opportunity for love, tenderness, and intimacy to emerge.
And, in the end, isn’t that what our hearts truly desire?
Learn More
To learn about more way you can stop trying to read his mind and start really connecting with your husband or boyfriend, consider joining us for the Relationship Group Coaching Calls for Girlfriends and Wives!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Jennifer Bradford via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 18, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
As a dating and relationship coach, I make a conscious effort every day to practice what I teach in my workshops, write about in my blog, and work through with my clients. It’s a daily commitment I’ve made to myself, my husband, and the women who depend on me to help them through some of the most difficult moments of their lives.
I remember when I first started making changes. Many times I felt mentally exhausted! It was as if I had to stop myself from completing a sentence repeatedly, because what I was about to say was condescending and disrespectful to my husband. I would have to really stop and think before saying something to make sure I wasn’t being manipulative or trying to get my way by using guilt, ultimatums, or demands, which were my preferred methods of making sure I got what I wanted. And I had to be hyper-vigilant about looking for reasons to express my gratitude or admiration to because I’d previously spent so much time focusing on what my husband wasn’t doing right or not “right enough.”
There were times when I wondered whether making all of these changes was worth the effort and whether he was even noticing the changes I was trying so hard to make. Part of me wanted to ask him, “Hey, have you noticed how nice I’m being to you now?” or “Did you see how I supported your decision, without giving you the 10 reasons that were in my head regarding how it just wouldn’t work?” or “Could you just throw me a bone and say something that lets me know you’re noticing that I’m really trying to make this work?”
I’m human, and my humanity was craving some acknowledgement or affirmation that the changes I was making were being noticed… and that they were working. But I didn’t say any of those things. I didn’t want his acknowledgment unless it came from him without it being coerced. I didn’t want to sabotage my efforts by announcing all of the incredible the changes I was making, because I also knew there were moments when I slipped back into past patterns and behaviors.
So I just kept changing – choosing to change – day after day. And it became easier. And I began to realize that, while I really wanted to take my marriage to a new level, I was making all of these changes for me. So, it really didn’t matter if he noticed or said anything. I was changing, growing, becoming more peaceful. And, to me, it was worth all of the effort.
Today I can honestly say that I rarely feel that mental exhaustion of having to think about what I am going to say or do ten times before I actually speak or act. I can say that respect flows much more easily from my mind to my mouth. And I can say that I have the type of marriage I always dreamed of – Actually, it’s even better than I imagined it could be!
And I also have to say that I’m not “perfect.” There are days when I tell him what he should do or say to someone at work, rather than trusting that he’s capable enough to handle the situation himself. There are times when I frantically go to from store to store looking for the shirt I think he’s not going to go buy, instead of trusting that he can handle it himself. There are nights when I snap at him if I’m overly tired and haven’t practiced good self-care that day (or in several days). There are moments when I just want my own way, and I get it, not thinking about whether it’s worth the intimacy it is going to cost me.
Nope. I’m not perfect by any means.
The good news is that having a happy marriage is NOT about perfection. Thank goodness, right?
It’s not about always saying and doing the “right” things. It’s not about never making a mistake. It’s not about always having the right answers. It’s not about never having to apologize. In fact, I’ve found that it’s quite the opposite.
Having a great marriage is about being willing to admit that you were wrong when you did make a mistake. It’s about being humble enough to ask for and being gracious enough to grant forgiveness. It’s about knowing that this love journey is being carried out by two imperfect individuals who are doing everything we can to try to get it “right” – to love and be loved, to be accepting of and accepted by one another.
And sometimes we do get it right – and it’s bliss! And other times we don’t – and that’s life. But as imperfect as we are, we recognize and love the fact that we are absolutely perfect for one another.
And that’s what makes the love journey worthwhile!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Ellipsis-Imagery via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 14, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
One of the hardest things for me to do when I first started dating my husband was to stay present. See, from the very beginning I was really attracted to him and I felt as if I had known him my whole life. It just felt so easy to be myself with him.
This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t scared out of my mind, however. When I met my husband, I had been widowed for a little under a year. I had no intention of meeting anyone that night, and I certainly did not expect to meet the man I would marry a year later! I was unsure of myself, still healing from my loss, and positive that I would never really ever fall in love again.
And then life pleasantly surprised me!
As soon as we started talking, I felt he was someone I didn’t have to pretend with. He was so “real.” He didn’t seem to be trying to impress me (although he was), and we talked and talked about everything! Our first phone conversation lasted 7 hours!
And, even though things seemed to be going well, I was still terrified. He’d say something that would give me hope that maybe he was someone I could fall in love with again. Before you knew it, I was standing on a beach in an ivory-colored dress, declaring my love to him forever.
Or he’d say something that I didn’t like. And, all of a sudden, I would flash back into the past and remember an argument I’d had with my late husband or something that happened in my past that I did not want to repeat! Each time I fast-forwarded into the future or I hit the rewind button and blasted back into the past I was cheating myself out of experiencing and relishing in the present moment.
What I didn’t know then is how common this is among women. We are so afraid of “wasting our time,” getting hurt, or not ever finding the man who’s right for us, that we spend almost all of our time rewinding into the past (and comparing what’s happening not to it) or fast-forwarding to a future we have no way of knowing will come to pass.
And, all the while, we’re missing what’s actually happening here and now. We may either be ignoring the red flags that are warning us this isn’t the guy for us, or not paying attention to all of the ways that he is showing us that he may possibly be the right guy. In short, we cheat ourselves out of experiencing what is happening here and now, in the present.
So, what can women do to stay in the present moment when dating?
- Avoid asking questions and having conversations that are premature in nature. Many times, in our effort get reassurance from a man regarding of where the relationship is going and whether he’s “a keeper,” a woman will prematurely ask questions such as whether he plans to marry (or re-marry), have children (or more children), what his financial status is, and, later, where he thinks the relationship is headed. All of these things are important to know. However, they’re not the types of questions that necessarily need to be discussed on the first few dates. Similarly, asking him how he feels about you or whether he sees a future for the two of you, while obviously something you want to know, especially if you’ve been dating for a while, are conversations that are much more meaningful when they occur naturally in the course of going out together.
- Check in with ourselves to see how you are feeling when you’re with him. Rather than spending time wondering if he likes you, if he’s going to call, or if he’ll ask you out again, focus on how you’re feeling during the date. Do you like what you’re learning about him? Do you want to speak with him again? Would you like to go out with him again? Are you having a good time? Focusing on what’s going on inside of you will help you stay present-minded.
- Allow yourself to enjoy each stage of the relationship. Rather than trying to rush things to the next stage, allow the relationship to go at its own pace. Too many times, for example, women rush into having sex in an effort to make the relationship more intimate than they are at the time. Wondering and focusing on where the relationship is going can keep you from enjoying and appreciating what is happening right now. Instead, relax and relish in each moment you create and share together.
When we allow the relationship to unfold naturally, without trying to get him to tell us where he feels the relationship is headed or worrying about what he’s thinking or planning, we give ourselves permission to just be. Staying focused on the present moment, allows us to enjoy every step of the way toward creating the loving, tender, passionate relationship our hearts truly desire.
For a more in-depth conversation on what you can do to stay present, join the Intimacy Skills Training for Single Ladies on Tuesday, January 15th, at 9:00 p.m. EST/6:00 p.m. PST.
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 11, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of the scariest parts of dating and being in a relationship is the uncertainty of it all. Opening your heart to someone and letting them in to see who you truly are can be terrifying. Not knowing whether the person you are falling in love or already in love with will reciprocate the feelings you have for him or her is unsettling. This fear and discomfort keeps us from allowing ourselves to be truly vulnerable and authentic with someone else. Because, what if I give all of me – my heart, body, and spirit to this other person, and I only end up getting hurt?
It’s what keeps people from getting out and dating.
It’ what stops people from moving to the next step in a relationship.
It’s what has people stay in a relationship with someone that is not right for them.
It’s what has people look for everything that’s “wrong” or not going to work with the other person, and has them run in the other direction.
And, in a relationship, it’s what keeps someone from acknowledging that the relationship is not working and reaching out for help.
Fear is paralyzing in any area of our lives, but particularly when it comes to love. Why? Because love is an act of faith!
The fact is that there are no guarantees when it comes to love. There is no way to tell whether the person you’re on a first date with is going to be the one with whom you’ll walk down the aisle. There is no way of knowing whether the person you walk down the aisle with is the one with whom you will grow old. And there’s no way of knowing what the years in between will be like ahead of time.
So how does one muster up the courage to put her heart on the line? If love is so uncertain, is it worth it – worth taking the risk of getting hurt?
My answer? Absolutely!
The truth is that if everything was laid out for us and we knew exactly how it would turn out, we’d probably be bored out of our minds. While predictability can give us a sense of security, it also means we don’t have the opportunity to be in a space of wonder or pleasantly surprised and delighted by the one we love. And, if everything were already laid out and predestined, then we’d feel like we had no choice, no ability to choose and create what it is we want to for ourselves and our lives, and no power to turn things around when they aren’t going the way we’d like.
It’s the unpredictable nature of love and being in a romantic relationship that gives us something to hope for, look forward to, and dream about. It’s the fact that we have the power within us to attract, create, and experience the love our hearts desire that makes us feel like we have a say in how things will go when we focus on ourselves and what’s within our realm of control. And it’s all of the moments – the good and the not-so-good, combined – that allows us learn more about ourselves and the person we’re choosing to love so that together we can create our own unique love story – our very own masterpiece!
So, yes, I’d like to tell you that it’s all going to be easy, that everything is going to turn out exactly the way you want it to, and that you won’t ever have to experience another heartbreak or disappointment. I’d like to, but I can’t.
What I can tell you is that every moment of your love journey is a creation, a choice, and a manifestation of what you want and are willing to bring to the relationship. And, that, while scary at times, when you step out in faith and are finally writing your love story and creating your masterpiece with the person you love and are loved by, it’s worth every bump, every heartache, and every tear. The reward is so much bigger than the risk!
Question? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Arianda Bruna via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 8, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Every couple argues. It’s inevitable. You have two completely different human beings – with all of their past, fears, ideas, and opinions – coming together to try to form one life. Because we don’t stop being who we are when we become part of a couple, it just stands to reason that from time to time you and your honey will not being seeing eye-to-eye. Creating a wonderful relationship is NOT about perfection. It’s about learning how to deal with both your own and his imperfections in a way that honors and respects who you both are – for yourselves and one another.
If arguments are inevitable, does that mean it’s okay to have full-blown fights? Well, I suppose some might say it’s “okay,” but I will also say that nothing can chip away at the intimacy in a relationship more than constant fighting.
Aside from the fact that there is usually a lot of disrespect involved, it’s also true that constantly bickering and arguing with someone is exhausting – even for those who are addicted to drama. It just takes so much out of you when you constantly feel like you need to be on your guard, defending yourself and your point of view from the person who supposedly loves you.
One time, at one of our workshops, my husband was speaking to the ladies, answering their questions about men, love, and relationships, and someone asked him what men want most. His answers surprised all of us (myself included). He said that what men want more than anything is peace. He went on to explain how, before I started practicing the skills I now teach, all he wanted was peace. This is why he would either shut down and give me the silent treatment, or blow up and yell at me when I simply would not stop nagging and yelling at him, because he knew that I would end up crying, leaving the room, and then he would finally have the peace he’d been asking for the twenty times he had told me, “I don’t want to talk about this right now!”
This is why I tell my clients that it’s not that men don’t know how to deal with women’s emotions. It’s simply that they don’t like the drama. Even if they love a woman, if there is constant nagging, bickering, and drama, they will tend to withdraw – either physically, emotionally, or both.
So, if disagreeing is a normal part of being in a relationship, but constant arguing chips away at the intimacy, how can we disagree without letting things get out of hand? Well, one thing we can do is to stop the fight before it even begins. There are basic ways we can do that:
- Disengage: Rather than jumping into the knee-jerk reaction you have when he says or does something that “triggers” you, choose not to engage in the argument or conversation. Basically, you want to RSVP “No” to the invitation to engage in a familiar argument or a conversation that usually leads to one. The easiest way to do this is by leaving the room and going to do something that makes you feel peaceful and relaxed.
- Remain quiet… for now: Usually, when we are triggered is not the best time to try to have a calm, logical conversation that is going to lead to a solution. So, until you can calmly say what you are thinking and feeling, it’s best to not say anything at all.
- Deal with the real issue: Sometimes, it can feel as if everything our guy is doing is getting on our last nerve. Things that we can usually ignore or let slide set us off, and we end up criticizing or lecturing him. Many times, this happens when we’re upset or worried about something else, because it’s easier to see someone else’s faults and “fix” their problems than it is to deal with our own. So, before you start complaining, make sure you are clear about what you are really upset about.
Now, does all of this mean that you just ignore your feelings, keep everything bottled in, and pretend that you’re not upset when you are? Absolutely not! It’s important to be able to express how you are feeling, what you want and what you don’t want. However, there are ways of expressing your feelings and desires in a way that is clear and allows you to have the experience of being heard.
- Sort yourself out with someone other than him. Share and vent your feelings with a friend – someone you trust and who is standing for the success of your relationship. It helps if this person is happily married, as she will probably give you some good advice.
- Focus on what you are actually feeling. Rather than complaining about what he’s doing/not doing or saying/not saying, focus on how you are feeling. These words are usually used to name emotions. For example, saying “I’m disappointed that I won’t be able to visit my family for the holidays” is much more effective than saying, “If you would have done a better job of saving money, rather than spending it all on fixing up your car, we could have been able to afford the tickets to go visit my family.” See the difference?
- Share your feelings in a manner that is calm and clear. The more calmly and clearly you express what you are feeling, the easier it will be for him to actually hear what you are saying. Doing the first two steps – talking things through with someone else and focusing on what you are feeling (rather than on what he did) will help you do this. The more calm and clear you are, the less he is going to feel like he needs to defend himself. This also comes across as more vulnerable, which usually sparks the man’s natural desire to protect and try to please you.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of photstock via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
