by heartsdesireintl | Jan 4, 2013 | Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week, someone I have known for many years passed away. He was a priest and pastor of the church and school where I taught many years ago. I loved my job and I loved our church and the children with whom I worked as a teacher, youth group leader there, choir member, and sponsor of the Liturgical Dance Ministry. I honestly enjoyed every minute of the time I spent there. The pastor, Fr. Joseph Carney, was kind and supportive of me, and, while he wasn’t always open to change, he was always willing to listen to my latest idea for the youth and dance ministries.
After 3 years of working there as a teacher, I was presented with the opportunity to teach in a brand new public school. The chance to work in a pilot school, a brand new state-of-the-art building, and a very nice salary were too attractive to pass up, and, after already having signed my contract for the following year, I told Fr. Carney that I would be breaking the contract and going to teach at the other school. I explained that the salary was almost double what I’d be making there and that, since my late husband was very sick and unable to work, I felt I needed to make sure I had financial security for us both.
Fr. Carney was so upset. He explained that had bent over backwards to offer me a better salary, and felt as if I didn’t appreciate it. He told me that if I left, I would no longer be able to lead the Youth Group, and I was crushed! That youth group was my favorite part of working there, and I felt like I was being punished for trying to move ahead in my career. I was also very angry at him! Here he was – a priest! Wasn’t he always preaching about love and forgiveness? Wasn’t he the one who had told me that he wanted to help me achieve my professional goals? How could someone that I looked up to, admired, and respected be so hurtful? I felt let down and somewhat deceived by him. And I was downright mad!
I was still involved in the choir and other ministries, and, while I was no longer leader of the youth group, I assisted the new leaders, because my commitment to the teens was greater than my anger at Fr. Carney. But it wasn’t easy to see him or hear him preaching. Part of me wanted to keep making him wrong and tell others about how he had reacted and treated me. But I didn’t. I knew he was the pastor and that what happened was between us. I didn’t want the kids being angry at him, and this was my parish. I wanted to continue serving and growing there.
Later that year, I went to a retreat at the Church, and, there was time set aside for meditation and confession for those who wanted to participate. I stepped into the face-to-face confessional, and, low and behold, who should happen to be a sitting across from me? I wanted to turn around and walk out, but I didn’t. I had just been praying and I was in a peaceful space. I felt it was time to bring peace to this relationship, too.
After my confession, I asked Fr. Carney if I could speak with him, and he agreed. I asked if he could please forgive me for not having honored my word and breaking the contract. I told him I’d been hurt and angry at him for the way he had responded, and that I didn’t want to be angry any more. I just wanted us to be “okay” again.
We both teared up as he told me that he had acted in anger because he felt like his daughter was leaving home with no explanation. In that moment, I got just how human he was. I’d built him up and held him to a different standard because he was a priest. In my mind, he should have acted differently. I hadn’t stopped to think that he was reacting like most people would have. I told him I loved him and and he said he loved me too and asked me to forgive him, and I did.
Fr. Carney passed away Wednesday morning, and, while I hadn’t seen him in several years, I am so thankful to God that we had that conversation when we did. It would have been so easy for either one of us to stay angry or pretend like nothing had happened. Instead, we were both courageous and humble enough to admit we were wrong and ask one another for forgiveness. And now I can remember him and celebrate his life without any regrets over having left my apology or my forgiveness left unspoken.
How many times, in our relationships, do we hold on to resentment and anger, allowing time to go by and cheating ourselves out of having a relationship with someone who simply made a mistake?
How many times do we hold people that we love to a higher standard and expect more from them than we probably should?
How many times do we leave words of love and forgiveness unspoken, without knowing how much time we have before that person is gone and we’ll no longer have the chance to say, “I forgive you. Please, forgive me”?
If you are holding on to any resentment toward someone, I invite you to give both them and yourself the gift of forgiveness. It’s not always the easiest thing to accept someone’s mistake. Forgiving them does not mean that you agree with or condone what they did. It only means that you are releasing yourself from the anger and pain and, perhaps, releasing them from feeling guilty over something that’s already happened and is in the past.
No, accepting someone’s humanity and granting him or her forgiveness is not always easy. It takes something – courage, humility, and vulnerability – to see beyond the error to the heart of the person. However, forgiveness is not only a gift for the receiver. It’s a gift you give yourself, as well.
For, once you’ve released yourself from the anger, resentment, and grudges, there is love, freedom, and peace waiting for you on the other side!
May you rest in peace, Fr. Carney. And thank you for your many years of loving service to our Lord, to your parishioners, and all of the children who came to know God because of and through you! I love, will miss, and will never forget you!
If you have someone in your life with whom you’d like to have a conversation, but you’re afraid or don’t know how to begin, I’d like to invite you to visit my friend, Ingrid Lucia’s website, Unspoken Pebbles. The Unspoken Pebbles were created so that people can share conversations that have been left unspoken. Many times, the right words are all that is needed, and the words written on these simple pebbles and the small book of conversation starters open up an opportunity to say the things that have been left unsaid. These Unspoken Pebbles create moments that can be used to share the words that are in our hearts and serve to remind us that the only moment we ever really have is this moment, right now.
Comments? Questions? Please leave them below! We love hearing from you!
Sky photo credit: ed_needs-a-bicycle via photopin.com cc
Unspoken Pebbles photo courtesy of UnspokenPebbles.net
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 29, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
The other night something happened that caused me to really put my “work” to work. A virtual friend of several years reached out to me on my Facebook Wall about something she was going through, and I responded with some advice I thought would encourage her.
Unfortunately, something that I said must have been misinterpreted, and, what was originally a conversation between me and her on my Wall was taken public on Facebook, where she tagged me in a post that was about “losing friends” as a result of a choice she made. When I first saw my name on the post, I was confused, as our conversation had nothing to do with ending our friendship. In fact, I had told her that I loved her and how I had always seen her as a loving person.
Confused, I reiterated my love and support for her, only to have her son post a very crude and foul response questioning my sincerity, as well as calling my work as a relationship coach into question. I don’t know her son and had no idea where the anger was coming from. I chose to excuse myself from the thread, as this is not the type of conversation or interaction in which I choose to participate. In spite of this, I saw that there were still nasty things being said in my absence.
I reached out to my friend privately and suggested we speak so that we could clarify any misunderstandings, as I know that what is written can sometimes be misinterpreted. No response. I told her I had deleted the post that she had put on my Wall (in case something I had said had hurt or offended her) and waited to hear from her. Again, no response.
I did, however, get another nasty private message from her son. I explained that she and I had been having a private conversation that it was misinterpreted and taken public. And, again, apologized if I had said something to hurt his mom. No response.
I won’t pretend that I wasn’t angry. I was. And I was hurt, too. I’m human.
I tried to shake it off, reminding myself that what they were thinking and feeling probably had more to do with what my friend is going through than it had to do with me, and that the feelings I had expressed were authentic. Still, it hurt that someone would think that I was being anything but loving with them. And having my integrity called into question bothered me.
As a coach, I sometimes have to say things people don’t want to hear. I do it with no other intention than to share what I feel will make a difference for them. And I always remind my clients and friends that I am coming from a place of love and standing in my commitment to them and their happiness. While I may not agree with someone’s choices, disagreement does not equal judgment. I believe that we are each free to choose what we feel is the right choice for ourselves. So, while I may not agree with you, I will not judge you.
After about an hour of feeling bothered, I realized that a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my own ego – wanting to be liked; not wanting to be questioned or seen in a negative light. So I began to let that go.
I spoke to my husband about what was going on, and, as I spoke, the hurt turned to anger. My husband, who has much thicker skin and is a lot less emotional than I am, told me to de-friend her and call it a day. I, on the other hand, wanted to mend the relationship, if possible. He got a bit frustrated and told me I had no need for negative people and people who clearly don’t know me enough to know that I always try to come from a space of love.
In the past, this conversation would have turned into an argument between him and me about how he was being judgmental and unreasonable and just trying to step in and “fix it,” rather than just letting me vent. However, I’ve learned to listen to the message behind his words – his “heart message” – and what I heard loud and clear was: “I love you and I don’t want anyone to hurt you.” In his way, he was standing up and defending me. And I love him for it.
As soon as I got how much my husband loved and wanted to defend me, a space of compassion opened up for me regarding my friend’s son! For whatever reason, something I said had been misinterpreted and my friend was hurt. Perhaps she felt I was judging her. I hope not, but she mentioned feeling that she had to explain her choice in her post. So, perhaps she shared her hurt feelings with her son, and, because he loves her, he felt the need to defend and protect her, too. As much as I disagree with the way he went about doing so, by bringing compassion to the situation and to him, I was able to let go of the “residue” of resentment that was growing in my heart and hear his heart message for his mom.
I don’t know whether my friend and I will ever speak again. I hope we do. I pray that she is able to get through this part of her journey surrounded by those who love her. I’ve apologized. There’s nothing more I can do, except send love and light her way.
No matter what happens, I am so thankful for this lesson learned, this work, the skills and principles we teach, and that I was able to use them both within and outside the relationship with my husband to let go of pain and resentment and bring peace and love back into my heart.
Because, in the end, peace and love are what this work – our work – is all about!
Questions? Comments? Please share them below. We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: Susan von Struensee via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 26, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance
For those of us who are wives, mothers, and professionals, it can seem as if we have to choose between having a wonderful relationship and family or following our dreams and building our careers and our businesses. I call this living in “an either-or world.” And I don’t believe it’s necessary.
When we think that we have to sacrifice one aspect of our lives in order to experience happiness in another, that is evidence of having a “scarcity” conversation. Some people use this term to refer to the area of finances – to describe the experience of people living under the false perception that there isn’t already enough of what they have or want. The truth, however, is that this applies to other areas of our lives. When we live under the perception that we must sacrifice or give up what we want in order to have something else we want, we sell out on our happiness and cheat ourselves out of the experience of having it ALL!
I have been a professional since before I was married and had children. Succeeding in everything I do has always been important to me, and it was no different when it came to my career. Once I was in a relationship, succeeding in my career was still important. And so was having a wonderful relationship and, later, marriage. When I had kids things got a little “blurry” for me.
There was a lot of guilt associated with working late hours and traveling for work. I missed some of my children’s milestones because I was on a business trip. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t experience some guilt around that. A lot of the guilt was self-imposed, but some also came from other moms – especially those who had chosen to stay home with their kids. I always felt like they were judging me for not having been there for my kids if they were hitting a milestone, sick, or just wanting Mommy to be there.
It wasn’t until I began doing my own personal development work that I was able to shake myself free from (1) caring about what other people thought and (2) making myself feel badly for having something else I that was important to me in my life – not “more important” to me, but important, nonetheless.
The truth is that people weren’t thinking about me quite as much as I thought they were! A lot of that judgment I felt they had about me was pretty much coming from within. I thought that I wasn’t being a “good mom” when I was doing something for work and like I wasn’t being a “good professional” when I was spending time with my kids, rather than working an extra hour or two. Thankfully, I was able to see that I get to choose what I focus on, what I make a priority today, and that my priorities can change the following day, if I need or want them to! That was very empowering for me!
I’ve also had to teach my kids that, if I am working, it’s not because I don’t want to be with them. It’s that I have a responsibility I need to fulfill on or a job that needs to be completed, and that it’s important to honor your words, keep your agreements, and do your very best in all you do. All of these are great lessons for my kids. And, rather than just telling or lecturing them, I am teaching them by example.
And then there are times when I will work late into the night or cut short a work day so that I can go on a field trip the next day, volunteer at school, or go on a camping trip. I’m still doing what I can to fulfill on my responsibilities, but it may be that this week, when these activities come up, my priorities shift a little. Both my work and my family is important – neither one more important than the other. It’s just how I choose to prioritize my time and attention that day or that week. And it can change from day to day and week to week.
My friend and mentor, Luly Balepolgi of LulyB.com, an amazing business woman who empowers mom entrepreneurs to have it all, often says that “Balance is bull—-!” It’s not about trying to balance everything. It’s about prioritizing and building your life around your priorities!
This is why Heart’s Desire International is honored to partner with Luly B. tonight, December 26th at 9:00 p.m. for a fun, powerful, and live Twitter Chat about how tom make our families are “the reason” why we do what we do, rather than “the excuse” for not following our dreams! Join us and other professional moms for a time of learning and growing together while having a great time! To get all the details and join in on the chat, click here!
Remember, we live in a world of abundance, and you can and deserve to have it ALL! Join Luly B. and me tonight and let’s make 2013 about making our families the reason for doing whatever we can to make our dreams come true!
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 21, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
How to Make this Holiday Season One of Peace, Joy, and Love
by Gladys Diaz
There is perhaps no other month in the year where people spend more time with family than they do in December. Family gatherings, celebrations, and reunions tend to revolve around the holidays celebrated during this month. While all of us love the idea of being surrounded by family and loved ones, the reality of the holidays isn’t always “picture perfect.”
The truth is that being with our family brings up our “stuff.” You know – reminders of things that happened in our childhood that we wish hadn’t, spending time with people who tend to trigger us in not-so-nice ways, and the experience of being an adult child, which can sometimes be a strange dynamic when we’re around our elders. And, if you’re in a relationship, you can go ahead and double the anxiety, discomfort, and emotions!
One of the things I hear most about from my clients when it comes to the holidays is about their anxiety around spending time with their in-laws. I often hear how “his family” behaves, acts, and treats others. And, unfortunately, what they share is not always about how loving, merry, and jolly the holiday experiences are with their in-laws.
This time of year can also bring about arguments regarding with whose family the holidays will be spent. For a lot of people, being with family means having to travel out of town. This means that they may only be spending the holidays with one their families, which brings up the question: Whose family?
Whether the tension in your relationship is caused by how either of you gets along with your own family or your partner’s family, or having to choose which family to spend the holidays with, there are few things you’ll want to bring with you to your family gatherings in order to make this season a happy and peaceful one for you and those you love.
The Gift of Generosity.
If your partner wants to spend time with his family, regardless of how you feel about them, make an effort to plan some time with them. The holiday season is only a few weeks long, and it will not kill you to allow him to spend some time with the people who, not only love him, but also played a big part in making him the man with whom you fell in love!
The Gift of Forgiveness.
Maybe you and his family – or someone in your own family – have had a falling out. Perhaps things were said or done that have made it difficult for you to want to spend time with them. Maybe it’s time to let go of the anger and resentment and give yourself and them the gift of forgiveness. This doesn’t mean you pretend that nothing happened. It just means that you are releasing yourself from the weight you’ve been carrying around and that you’re creating a space where something new is possible.
The Gift of YOU!
One of the reasons people sometimes do not get along with others is because they are not willing to be vulnerable. However, it’s only when we are vulnerable that people are able to see who we really are and are then able to connect with us. If you’ve been distancing yourself from his family or yours because you’re afraid that they won’t like or accept you, consider bringing YOU to the party this year. Open up a space where you can really connect with at least one person in the family and allow them to see the loving, generous, fun person you are!
The holidays can be a time of happiness and togetherness. Regardless of what has happened in the past, if you would like to experience more closeness your families, consider bringing the gifts of Generosity, Forgiveness, and Vulnerability to your family get-togethers. Because, the truth is that, once you get married, it really stops being about “your family” and “my family,” and it becomes “our family.” So, go ahead! Give yourself and your honey the gift of a loving, happy, and peaceful holiday season!
Wishing you a season of love, joy, peace, and the fulfillment of every single one of your heart’s desires!
Image courtesy of Marcus via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 19, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Being Lovers, Parents, and Partners in the Face of a Tragic Event
by Gladys Diaz
TRAGEDY
This past weekend was a difficult one for everyone in our country, and perhaps even more so for those of us who have children. I found out about the tragedy in Connecticut late in the day, and it threw me for a swirl of emotions. I simply couldn’t believe it and could not even begin to understand it. My mind kept going between the poor babies whose lives were taken, those whose innocence was stolen by what they experienced and saw, the educators who risked it all to protect the children, and trying to imagine what the parents of the children who were killed were going through.
When my husband came home, he could see that I was upset and I told him what had happened. Immediately, we were both overcome with emotion – me in my way: tears, and he in his: silence. Our next thought was how we were going to deal with this regarding our children. How in the world were we supposed to explain something neither one of us could fathom or make sense of? And, how were we supposed to relay something so heinous to child, while, at the same time, not trying to frighten or worry them? And how were we to deal with the questions… I know my kids – especially my older son. There would be questions, and lots of them.
We decided that we would not tell them about it and we would refrain from watching the news while they were awake. In a way, we felt like we were protecting them – preserving their innocence – at least for a little while longer. At that point there were so many unverified accounts of what happened that it was best to just wait, anyway. And maybe wouldn’t say anything at all. We didn’t know. What is “the right thing to do” with something that is so wrong?
We were able to avoid discussing the topic with them all weekend and limited our own discussions about the topic. It wasn’t easy. Every time I saw a picture of a child who passed away and the family photos capturing moments of pure love and joy, or read the stories of the teachers who risked their lives to save the little ones entrusted to them, I simply lost it. And as much as I like to consider myself someone who is a positive thinker and believes in the inherent goodness of people, I struggled with anger and found it hard not to want to blame somebody – anybody – for what was happening. A lot of that was going around on the social media networks – finger-pointing, blame, hate — and I just chose not to get involved in the political aspects of the tragedy. I wanted to send my love and healing thoughts with each picture, tear, and story I read, so I chose to focus on that instead.
On Sunday morning, it occurred to me that, while my younger son is in Kindergarten (and, yes, I had to shake the terror I felt each time I realized that the babies who were killed were his age), and that perhaps many of their parents had also shielded his classmates from the news, my older son is in fourth grade, and some of the kids in his class might have more access to the television and Internet than my kids do. I asked my husband whether he thought we should tell the kids what happened, sans all the details. We agreed to think about it and we’d decide that evening. The truth is that neither one of us wanted to be the one to start the discussion.
When evening finally came, I asked my husband again what he thought. He said he was worried, especially about our older son, who also has a mild form of autism and can get very upset and perseverate on a topic for days. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him I didn’t want to tell them everything, but that I also didn’t want them to hear something from another kid who might not have all of the details correct.
TEARS
So we chose to speak to our kids about what happened. They both had questions – about where Connecticut was, what happened to the bad guy, whether some of the kids were able to escape – and we answered them as best we could. We kept the answers simple, and, when we didn’t know the answers, we said so.
Our older son’s first question was, “Are the kids okay?”
(My husband and I looked at each other. He nodded.) “No, honey. They’re not.”
Our younger son (5) was sad and got very quiet. Our older son (9.5) was angry and very outspoken.
“What kind of madman would hurt little, innocent kids, right before Christmas?!?” (I couldn’t agree more.)
Our older son was glad to hear the bad guy couldn’t hurt anyone else (telling him that the gunman “hurt himself” was another topic I wish I didn’t have to talk about), and he had a few ideas about what should have been done to stop him (security-wise) and done to him (throwing him in a volcano full of lava kept coming up).
At prayer time, we always thank God first and then ask Him to help the poor, people at war, our sponsored child, and people on our prayer list. Our older son was still angry and began thanking God that the killer was dead. I explained that we are all angry and hurt and confused, and that it’s okay to feel that way, but that, if we want a world full of love and peace, we also need to pray loving and peaceful prayers and be loving and peaceful ourselves. So, he closed his eyes, took a breath, and thanked Jesus for his toys, that Christmas is around the corner, that some of the kids were saved, and for being able to spend Christmas with his family (his eyes began to water and he hugged me). Then he asked that God please give the mommies and daddies of the little kids a second chance to be happy. His eyes teared up and he hugged me again. He said he wants to write a letter to the parents and the school and send them $10 (a lot of money in his world). I said we would do that.
I wiped his tears and said, “Thank you for loving other people. You’re a good heart. A beautifully good heart. “ He smiled.
I kissed the area of his chest over his heart and said my own prayer of thanks that he was in my arms and I could do that. I was very aware of the fact that at least 20 other parents were longing to do the same with their children that night.
“Good night, my baby. Have sweet dreams”
“Good night, Mama.”
And, as I walked out of his room the tears of sadness, fear, love, and gratitude began to fall all at once!
TEAMWORK
This was not an easy conversation to have with our children, and I hope we never have to worry about having one like it again. I am, however, happy with the way my husband and I handled it. It felt like, even though our initial reactions were different (sadness vs. anger), we were on the same page.
That’s not always the case in our marriage, as in virtually every other relationship. Sometimes he had an idea for how we should explain something or discipline the kids that is different from mine. Sometimes we differ in how we want to approach a decision, make a purchase, or what we want to do with the kids on the weekend. In the past, when this would happen, I would “argue” my point, give my “opinion,” and, I’m embarrassed to say, I would do whatever I thought was best, completely disregarding my husband’s ideas. I was the teacher, I knew kids better than he, and I was always “right.” And it cost me with regard to the intimacy in my marriage. Big time.
Now I know that, while I still have a right to my own thoughts and opinions, I’m not always right. My husband is another human being in this relationship, and he’s entitled to his own ideas, even if I don’t always agree with them. I have learned that the man I chose to marry would lay down his life for my kids and me, and that I can trust him to make good choices and put our needs first. I don’t have to “defend” or prove that my ideas are valid. I can state them and then we can come to an agreement together, or agree to disagree. By respecting and honoring his thoughts and decisions, our parenting has become much more about teamwork and partnership, and our kids benefit from seeing that, not only do their parents love them, but they also respect and love each other.
And, in a world where it seems like things are out of control, and where it doesn’t always feel safe, I’m glad and grateful that we are able to give them the reassurance that comes with living in a peaceful loving home where they know that we are here, we are a team, that they are safe, and so is their family!
Our heartfelt condolences go to the families of everyone who has been touched by this terrible tragedy. Words cannot begin to provide comfort in such tragic situations, but I hope they will somehow feel the love we are sending their way.
Comments? Questions? Please share them below! We love hearing from you!
Photo credit: PhotgraTree via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 18, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
TONIGHT at 9:00pm Eastern/6:00pm Pacific
Make YOUR 2013 New Year’s Resolutions
for the Love, Relationship and Marriage You Want!
We will spend one magical hour devoted to helping you clarify your love and relationship desires, shaping them into intentions and resolutions, and defining the simple steps to create the relationship you’ve always wanted.
Here’s How it Works:
Come to the call with your homework ready. Just answer this question:
What do you want your love life to be like in 2013?
Don’t worry if you’re not sure what you really want. By the end of the call you’ll be inspired, your intentions will be crystal clear and you’ll know exactly what action to take to make your desire a reality.
To come to this one-time event, sign up for Intimacy Skills Training here!
Your $10 registration fee includes an entire month of Intimacy Skills Training, but space is limited to the first 30 women. We’re keeping the party intimate.
Join now and have a truly happy, love-filled and joyous 2013!
The difference between a “good love life” and a “great love life” is having the relationship your heart desires!
Sign up now!
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