by heartsdesireintl | Oct 12, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
“In a true partnership, the kind worth striving for, the kind worth insisting on… both people try to give as much or even a little more than they get. ‘Deserves’ is not the point. And ‘owes’ is certainly not the point. The point is to make the other person as happy as we can, because their happiness adds to ours. The point is – in the right hands, everything that you give, you get.”
~ Amy Bloom
This week has been an “interesting one” in our home, to say the least. It began last Thursday evening, when, close to midnight, I discovered that my little one had gotten sick all over his bed (and the wall, and the carpet). Before I knew it, my husband had him in the tub, bathing him, while I rinsed off the bed sheets and clothes and got them in the laundry. Then, while I scrubbed the walls, he scrubbed the carpet. And, all of this, without me having to ask him for help… He just jumped in to help.
We’d had a lunch date planned for the following day, but that was scratched, due to the little one staying home from school, so we just ordered in and had lunch together at home. It was okay, because we’d planned a whole “Date Day” for Monday, while the kids were at school, since he had the day off… Well, that plan was also scratched, when, not only did our older son get sick at school, so we had to go get him, but we both ended up getting sick as well! Ugh!
So, Monday was a “dance” between whoever felt less sick at any given moment, making lunch, picking up the little one from school, or giving the older one his medicine. I made something quick for dinner and he did the dishes. I helped the kids get bathed, and he got lunch ready for the next day. I kept noticing how we just knew when the other one needed help and just stepped in.
Then, on Thursday, out of nowhere, whatever this bug is hit me hard. I could not move! I was nauseous and weak, and burning up in fever. I sent him a text asking him if he thought he could come home early. He called me right back and, as soon as he heard my voice, he was in the car and on his way home. He put me to bed, checked on me several times, and took care of everything: dinner, baths, preparing lunches, and bedtime routines. And this morning, he took them to school while I slept.
This partnership, this beautiful dance of giving and receiving, wasn’t always present in our marriage. For many years, I was “the martyr” in our relationship – doing everything myself and then complaining that he never offered to help. I just felt I shouldn’t have to ask for help. And I resented him for not “jumping in.” It wasn’t until I began being vulnerable, asking for help, and stopped trying to be “Super Human,” that he began stepping in, helping out, and making me feel like I wasn’t in this alone… because I’m not!
I’m so thankful for my husband… for his love, his strength, and his willingness to take care of me. And I’m so thankful I was finally willing to let down my guard, and create a space in our marriage that allowed him to step in and be my partner!
What about you? Are you struggling with doing everything on your own? If not, what do you do to create partnership in your relationship?
Photo credit: Eternal ☼ Sunshine via photpin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 11, 2012 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
Hate is easy; love takes courage.
~ Unknown
The other day I read a very racially hateful post on Facebook. I don’t know the person very well (we’re just “cyber-friends”), but the post shocked me because it was so “out of character” with the other posts I see the person write about her family and friends.
Immediately, I found myself wrapped in a blanket of judgment, coupled with anger, and the desire to tell her how “wrong” she is for thinking that way. However, when you have made a commitment to live a life where every breath communicates love, you need to check yourself before saying or doing something that goes against that. So, I decided to sit with the feelings and reflect on where in my life I am also judgmental, where I say or do things that hurt others and where I don’t always lead with love, since I’ve learned that, when something upsets me about someone else, there is usually something about myself that I don’t like or accept that is being reflected back to me.
It’s taken me a couple of days – there was a lot more there (inside me) than I thought there would be. But I’m in a space now where I can communicate with her free of judgment and just tell her about how reading the comments made me feel without “lecturing” or putting her down… Simply coming from a commitment that every human being on the planet knows what it is to experience loving and accepting and being loved and accepted.
So, how does this relate to romantic relationships? How many times, in our relationships, does the other person do or say something with which we don’t agree, and what’s there – almost immediately – is a surge of anger and the feeling that we need to tell or show him/her how “wrong” he/she is? How many times, after a heartbreak betrayal, are we immediately filled with hate for the other person, and then we lash out, making sure he/she feels just as much, if not more, pain that we do?
If we look beneath the anger and hate – both real feelings – we may find that the underlying emotion is pain. And, if we can deal with the pain, get to the root of it, and maybe even find the courage to bring some compassion to it (both for ourselves and the other person), then it’s quite possible that we can speak to the other person from a place of love, rather than one of anger and hate. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s fun. But, if living a life of love is important to us, it’s just something to consider.
What do you do to bring yourself to a place of peace when you are angered, disappointed or upset?
Photo credit: darks adria via photopin.com cc
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 14, 2012 | Dating, HDI Blog, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week, I was on a radio show in a segment titled, “I Can’t Deal with My Husband!” The show’s host and I discussed ways that wives can positively deal with their husband’s “negative” habits.
We’ve all been there, right? Your boyfriend forgets to tip the valet. Your husband leaves his socks on the floor right next to the hamper. He’s too loud… too quiet… too messy… too neat… And it’s driving you crazy!
And you’ve probably tried every strategy you can think of to get him to change. You’ve asked him nicely. You’ve asked him not-so-nicely. You’ve begged. You’ve hinted. You may have even shed a tear or two. Nothing has worked, and, quite frankly, you’ve had it!
What’s a woman to do? Below are some practical steps you can take to help you deal positively with his “bad habits” so that you can both be happy.
1. Realize he’s not your “Do-it-Yourself-Fixer-Upper- Project.”
The first thing you need to realize is that you can’t change him! Too many times, women get married thinking that they’ll be able to change (or “train”) their husband’s after they are married. What we forget is that true love is unconditional. That means I don’t love you because of what you do or don’t do. Instead, I choose to love you in spite of what you do or don’t do. And it is not my role or mission in life to “train” you to be neat, or quiet, or more social, or more assertive. Personal work is just that: personal and internal. It’s got to come from within. All of that begging, pleading, reminding (a.k.a. nagging) hasn’t given you the results you’ve wanted because he’s the one who has to want to change. So, rather than focusing on the things he should/could be doing differently, focus on the behaviors, actions, and attitudes within yourself that you can change and work on those. It’s a much better use of your time and energy!
2. Don’t take things personally.
Granted, I may not know your boyfriend or husband personally, but I can pretty much bet that his first thought in the morning is not “What can I do today to really upset her?” Most men want to please the women they love. They do not set out with the intention to anger, upset, or disappoint us. When he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink or he forgets to pay a bill on time, see it for what it is: a mistake; not a personal vendetta. If you can distance yourself from the action and not make it about “If he really loved me he would/wouldn’t…” you’ll find you have a lot more peace and react with a lot less resentment and hostility when he does “that thing” that tends to trigger a reaction.
3. Express your feelings and desires purely.
Rather than telling him everything he’s doing “wrong” or “not good enough,” focus on what you want. If the toothpaste on the counter drives you nuts, instead of telling him, “You need to clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” or “You always leave a mess of toothpaste on the counter for me to clean up,” or “You never clean up the toothpaste on the counter,” (which is all
nagging, and not very inspiring or motivating, by the way), focus on what it is that you want.
I love it when the bathroom sink and counter are clean.
I don’t like having to clean the stuck-on toothpaste.
I appreciate it when you wipe off the counter.
All of these statements are much more inspiring than hearing a reprimand or criticism and they focus on your feelings and your desires, rather than on what he “should” or “should not” do.
4. Choose your battles. (Actually… When in doubt, choose intimacy!)
When it comes to two completely different people coming together – with their own histories, likes, dislikes, and ways of doing things – it’s inevitable that there will be things about the other that will either require learning, getting used to, and accepting. If you react to every little thing with a life-or-death intensity, you are going to find yourself exhausted all of the time. Perhaps some of his habits will be easier to accept than others. It’s going to be up to you to determine what’s worth arguing about. If your argument to him is that “Putting the socks in the hamper takes two seconds,” then consider if something that takes two seconds is really worth fighting about for 30 minutes every day… day in… day out… Ultimately, it really is your choice! Choose wisely and in the best interest of your relationship!
5. Express gratitude when he does things that please you.
I’m not sure why this is, but sometimes, when our husbands or boyfriends catch us by surprise and do something that pleases us, we tend to not want to thank them, so that it doesn’t seem like “a big deal,” or so that they don’t think they’ve done us any favors. Except that… well… they have done us a favor! And, if I’ve chosen in the past to make a big deal about the things he’s done that I don’t like, why not make an even bigger deal when he does something that I do like! When we acknowledge and show appreciate for the things he’s done “right,” we’re significantly increasing the probability of him choosing to do that again! It’s a win-win situation for both of us!
There are some more things we can do, but these 5 are a great start toward get ourselves in the habit of dealing positively with our husbands’ and boyfriends’ not-so-great habits!
Do you have any suggestions or ideas for how to deal with your husband’s or boyfriend’s habits? Any thoughts about the ideas shared in this article? If so, please leave your comments below! We love to hear from you!
photo credit: Leigh Righton via photopin.com cc
