by Gladys Diaz
I was talking to a client the other day and she was sharing with me how she has a trouble trusting men. When you hear her story, you can understand why she feels that way. A failed marriage, due to infidelity, a failed relationship due to him not fully being over his ex when they got together, and a few other unsuccessful relationships in between. All of this helped reinforce her belief that it was difficult for her to trust men.
As we began to dig deeper into what the patterns in all of these relationships were, we began to uncover the truth about why she was finding it difficult to trust and open her heart to a new man.
Yes, the men she loved gave her reason to not trust them, but the truth was deeper than that.
There was actually a reason she was attracting these men into her life in the first place.
In fact, the real reason she was attracting men who made it difficult for her to trust had very little to do with the men.
It had to do with her.
The person she is really having trouble trusting is herself.
Trusting yourself means that you listen to heart, instead of your head.
I know, I know. You feel that listening to your heart is what’s gotten you burned in the past.
I want to invite you to open your heart and mind and consider something different.
When you don’t trust yourself to make the right choices – the choices that are aligned with your values, your truth, and what you really want – then you will likely allow something else to choose for you: Your fears.
When you allow your fears to make your choices, you always end up disappointed.
Your fear of being alone will have you choose to be with someone who isn’t really right for you.
Your fear of not finding someone else who will love you will have you hold on to a relationship that is toxic and unfulfilling.
Your fear that your partner or husband won’t love you the way he used to will have you pretend that nothing is wrong, even though all of the signs are there that the relationship is slowly (or quickly) falling apart.
On the other hand, when you trust and honor yourself and your truth:
You choose from a place of power.
You make choices that honor who you are and what you value to be true.
You’re not afraid to make these choices and you don’t feel like you have to force or impose those truths on the other person. You realize that the right man will choose to honor what’s true for you because he values who you are.
Allowing your fears to run the show leads to nothing but one disappointing heartache after another.
Learning how to start choosing from a place of power leads to you experiencing the happiness, love, and intimacy your heart truly desires.
If you’re finding it difficult to trust when it comes to relationships, I want you to ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I trust myself to make the choices that are best for me when it comes to relationships?
- If not, what is it that has me doubt my ability to make the right choices for myself?
- How is this lack of trust impacting my relationships?
- How might learning to trust myself give me different results in my relationships?
Being real with yourself and looking at what is standing in your way is the only way to transform and do something about it. It’s like any roadblock: Unless you’re clear about what is standing in your way, there is no way to avoid it and you’ll just keep slamming into it… over and over again!
If you’re ready to shift this dynamic in your life, answer the questions truthfully and then let me know what begins to open up for you. I’d love to support you in creating a real breakthrough in your love life that leads to you having the love you want and deserve!
And, by the way, as you do all of this, be gentle with yourself. Blaming, faulting, and or beating yourself up about the decisions you’ve made in the past doesn’t serve you unless you are committed to making different choices! And when you’re ready for that, get ready for your life to transform!
After reading this article, I definitely acknowledge I have trust issues, and feel about the only one I can trust is myself (bad enough, not even my children, and quite often I feel God has abandoned and forsaken me during all this ordeal). As far as acknowledging what was going on in the quickly eroding marriage, I openly acknowledge as one co-worker has said, sometimes it is better to have a bad relationship rather than none at all. My famous slogan regarding the whole thing was “rather than reading the writing on the wall, I chose to paint over it.” Now I am in the situation where I have been hurt so badly that I look at the men on dating websites and wonder how much of their baggage will overlap on mine, and if he will cut me off when I try to share it (as the ex has done). I truly want to meet someone in PERSON, but between work, school and the fact that I am no longer affiliated with a church, and don’t do the bar scene, where is there left to meet someone. My friends are almost all single women also.