by heartsdesireintl | Nov 5, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer
One of the most beautiful parts about autumn is how the leaves begin to change. Although I live in Florida and the changes here aren’t as intense as in other parts of the country (palm trees don’t really lose their leaves!), there are a few non-native trees in the area, and I love to pick up and admire the different-colored leaves as I go for walks. It’s just fascinating to me how the leaves know when it’s time to begin to change, fall off the branches, and make way for something new to appear in the spring.
As often happens, when I’m thinking about things that take place in my life or the world around me, I try to see how I can relate it to relationships.
One of the main reasons people reach out to work with Michelle and me is because they want to experience change. They either want to change their current relationship status from “single” to “in a committed relationship,” or they want to change and improve the experience they’re having in their current relationship. In both of these situations, like the leaves on the tree, there is a moment where the woman realizes that it’s time to change, let go of the past and any of the things she’s been holding on to that are keeping her “stuck” where she is, in order to make room for something new to show up !
Recently, I was coaching a client who was struggling between absolutely loving her husband who is kind, loving, and generous with her, while also realizing that there were things about him that she didn’t really like or agree with. As I was coaching her, I saw myself and who I used to be in her.
I’ll never forget the moment when I realized that, for a really long time I had been completely unaware of the fact that I saw myself as “superior” to my husband. I was more positive, more spiritual, more even-tempered than he. I was more social, able to get along with people, and I didn’t hold grudges. As horrible as it sounds to me know, I really did have this better-than-thou perception of my husband.
Unfortunately, as unaware as I was of this perception, my husband was completely tuned into it! He could sense that I was making judgments about him and his choices. Whether or not I was aware of it, this underlying belief and view that I had of him was coloring how I saw, spoke to and of him, and how I treated and responded to him. I didn’t have to come out and say it. All he needed to do was looks into my eyes and he could probably see it.
For a long time, I thought it was my responsibility to let my husband know all of the ways he could improve and strive to be better than he was. I would tell him to calm down, to forgive and let go, and how he should approach people and situations. And for a long time, my husband resisted every suggestion, piece of advice, recommended book or video, and comment I made — which only made me want to “help” him even more.
It was a vicious cycle and I was left wondering why he couldn’t just listen to me and change.
It wasn’t until I took the spotlight off of him and everything I felt he needed to do, say, and think differently and flashed it on myself that things really began to change. And things only changed because I began to change myself and the way I was choosing to see him.
I began to look at all of the ways I was sending the message that I didn’t love and accept him, where I felt I was superior to him.
Then I began to look for evidence that supported what a great man he was – a man of integrity who was smart, strong, loyal and loving.
I began to recognize just how capable he was at work and in the things he enjoyed doing.
And something amazing began to happen.
Because I began to change the way I chose to see and relate to him, my husband began to change! But not really.
I began to see what had been in front of me all along, but I couldn’t see because I had been too busy looking for what was “wrong” and needed to be “fixed.”
I’ve learned that, since you cannot make your date, boyfriend, or husband be more or less of anything he does not choose to be, the only thing you can do is to begin to believe that he can be those things.
You can affirm the good qualities you see evidence of in him and in your relationship.
You can shed light on the things you want to experience and see more of, and create a space of unconditional love and acceptance that may very well inspire him to become the man he was created to be.
And, in the meantime, you can focus on becoming the woman you were created to be — the very best version of yourself!
I ended the email to my client by sharing my version of Gandhi’s famous quote, where he called on us to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
For those of us looking to create and experience extraordinary love, the message is:
BE the love you want to see in your relationship!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 25, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Success
by Gladys Diaz
Yesterday was a real exercise for me in being willing to step outside of my comfort zone.
On Wednesday night, I worked into the wee hours of the morning on a big project, and quite frankly did not feel very perky or pretty on Thursday! I was tired and knew I had a long day ahead of me of phone calls, research, and a webinar I was presenting that night.
At about 3:30 in the afternoon I received a call from someone who works at a local TV station saying he needed to speak with me ASAP. I called him back and he wanted to know if I could come to the studio for a segment they were doing about the benefits of online dating. Immediately I said, “Yes, of course.” That’s when he told me I needed to be there in four hours! I thought it was an upcoming interview… Not one happening that night!
I tried to get out of it. I told him I was tired and that I could pack clothes in the bags under my eyes. I also told him I had to lead a webinar at 9:00 and the segment was not airing until 8:30, and that I was sorry, but I couldn’t see how it was going to work.
That’s when he said he’d send a car to pick me up and drop me off so that I would not have drive, that he’d have a makeup artist ready to greet me when I got there, and that he’d arrange for me to have a private conference room with Internet connection so that I could go upstairs after the interview and conduct my webinar.
I thought about cancelling my webinar, but I didn’t want to do that. If this was going to work for me, I needed to be able to have it all!
At that moment, I chose to do what wasn’t comfortable.
I hurried up and finished my work; got ready, dressed and out the door, and let the ladies who’d be attending the webinar know that we might start a few minutes late.
After the webinar, I rushed upstairs, sat in an office that wasn’t my comfy home office, battled with technology to get connected to the Internet, and started the webinar 20 minutes late. Not what I like or what I’m used to.
The webinar, however, went great. The ladies waited patiently for me to get set up and were so understanding about all of the glitches that took place. Everyone participated actively, and the insights they shared at the end of the night reminded me that everything I’d done that day was worth it!
When I got up to put my things away, I looked up and saw the frame that you see as the image on this page. It read:
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
~ Neal Diamond Walsh
So, what about you? Have you been willing to step out of your comfort zone?
Have you set up that online dating profile you’ve been putting off because you feel that online dating is “unnatural” or not your cup of tea, even though it might actually be fun and you might end up meeting the man of your dreams?
Have you started smiling and flirting whenever you’re out, even though it feels “weird” or you’re afraid of being rejected?
Have you chosen to forgive your husband or boyfriend? To let go of any resentments or judgments regarding what he “should” do to make things right between you?
Have you been willing to be open, vulnerable, and allow love to flow in, to, and through you?
If you have, great! I’m excited for you and would love to hear about how you’ve been able to break out of your comfort zone and create some amazing results!
If you haven’t, would you consider stepping out in faith?
Life happens right outside of our comfort zone, and there are miracles just waiting to be manifested and experienced by you!
So, go ahead! I dare you to be happy!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 1, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend I broke a promise, and it’s been quite the learning experience to see how one broken promise can lead to a ripple effect of results and consequences, and how this can seriously impact our relationships.
As part of his responsibility to his Cub Scout Pack, my son has to sell popcorn in front of a store for 4 hours during the popcorn sale period. They refer to it as each Cub doing his “fair share.” I signed him up for two 2-hour shifts. I realized I probably would not be able to make the second shift and mentioned it to his Cub Master. Unfortunately, I did not follow up and communicate for which time I would like to reschedule, and I completely forgot that I was supposed to take my son to complete his second shift this past Sunday.
As soon as I woke up, I saw a missed calendar reminder and an email from the Scout Master 30 minutes after we were supposed to have arrived! I immediately jumped out of bed, told my son to get dressed, and began emailing and texting anyone I could think of to try to communicate that we were on our way.
Unfortunately, we were too late.
Two other families failed to show up, so the sales were canceled for the day, which meant my and all of the other boys who had signed up for the day missed out on their opportunity to give their fair share to the Pack, and the Cub Master resigned, which means our Pack does not have a leader at the helm and all 20 or so families are being impacted.
To say that I felt horrible is an understatement. I contacted the Cub Master and his family and apologized for disrespecting him and his family. I apologized to my son for forgetting to communicate a new day and time, had to comfort him while he cried when he learned that the Cub Master was resigning (he is wonderful man who has done so much for our Pack). Today I sent an email to the entire Pack apologizing for my part in all of this.
The apologies were received well, but the impact of the broken promise is still there. My son, the other boys and their parents, and an entire Pack were impacted all because of one broken promise.
Once I was able to forgive myself, I looked to see what the lesson in all of this was and how I could use it in my own life and as something I could share with you regarding how this lesson applies to dating and relationships. Here are a few of the lessons I learned:
Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship.
Lesson 1: A broken promise – big or small – can have a big impact. Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship. The trust in the relationship is impacted, and the ripple effect can extend beyond just you and the person to whom the promise was made.
For example, if you’ve promised yourself and your partner that you are going to do whatever it takes to restore the intimacy in the relationship, and, yet, you speak disrespectfully to him, withhold love or tenderness out of anger, or continue bringing up past mistakes, you are breaking your promise to yourself, your partner, and, if you have a family, to your kids and extended family.
If you’re single, and you’ve promised yourself that you’re going to make changes so that you can have the relationship your heart desires, but you’ve continued repeating the same patterns and behaviors that have been blocking you from attracting love into your life – out of fear, pride, or the unwillingness to work through and break through them – then you’ve broken your promise to yourself, and you’re no closer to having that loving relationship you want and deserve (not to mention the impact it’s having on the man who’s waiting to step into your life when you’re ready!).
Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity.
Lesson 2: Be willing to accept responsibility. Several people were so kind in letting me know that my actions were not the only contributing factor to everything that happened on Sunday. The fact that we didn’t show up to sell the popcorn was one in a series of things that led to the Cub Master’s decision. I knew they were trying to help me feel better, and I appreciated that. I also realized that I needed to be 100% responsible for the role I played, because that’s the only thing for which I can be responsible.
Taking responsibility is not about blaming or shaming yourself (although, I’ll admit I did a little of that). Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity. In this case, I chose to apologize and re-promise, which meant I rearranged my schedule so that my son could sell popcorn at 4:30pm that day and fulfill on his commitment to do his fair share for the Pack. Apologizing and restoring integrity will create a space for trust and intimacy to be restored in a relationship.
Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology.
Lesson 3: An apology doesn’t make everything “okay.” I apologized to everyone I could. I accepted 100% responsibility for the role I played in how everything turned out. And, still, the results remained – kids didn’t get to fulfill on their promise, the Pack still doesn’t have a leader, and there may be other consequences that result from this. My son also didn’t accept my apology right away, which was his prerogative. He was upset and I just needed to respect that he wasn’t ready to stop being upset yet.
The same holds true in our relationships. Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology. And, even if they do, the consequences will be what they will be, and we need to be willing to accept them as such.
Of course, the best path to follow would be to only make promises we will keep and to keep all of our promises. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect and we may not always do that. So, for those times when you don’t honor your word, it’s best to accept that the results are what they are, take responsibility for the role you played, and restore your integrity as quickly as possible, realizing that, while it may not “fix” everything, it’s the best you can do – and that’s really all you can do!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 27, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
Part 1 of this article, which talked about being his lover, not his teacher, seems to have resonated with a lot of women, based on the emails I’ve received and the comments on the blog! Apparently, many of us identify at least a little with feeling “an almost-divine responsibility” to teach men how they should speak, dress, and act! The problem, as I mentioned earlier, is that this teacher-student/mother-son dynamic kills the intimacy in a relationship.
So, you may be wondering what you can say if he does something you don’t like or agree with. Do you just hold your thoughts and feelings in until they spew out of your mouth like lava from the mouth of a volcano? Do you pretend to agree, even if you don’t? Do you give up your rights to ever say what you think, want or feel?
No!
Not sharing your feelings is not healthy, nor does it permit intimacy to grow in a relationship. Pretending to be someone you’re not is in authentic. After all, he can’t fall in love with you, if you are not there. And you have a right to think and feel the way you do.
The catch? So does he!
See, the fact that you both don’t agree on how every single thing can be said or done does not make either one of you right or wrong. You’re just different. This is why it’s important to remember what I often tell my kids:
Not everything that pops into your head necessarily needs to pop out of your mouth.
Judgments, complaints and criticisms are not your opinions because they’re not about you. No matter how nicely you phrase a complaint or criticism, it still sends the message: “You’re wrong.”
So, instead of telling him what he should or shouldn’t be doing, which has all of your attention going over there, to where he is, turn the mirror around and focus your attention on yourself.
For example, imagine that the guy you are seeing says he’s going to call, and he doesn’t. While you may want to tell him something like “You shouldn’t say you’re going to call if you’re not, because that’s rude and inconsiderate” – which is not at all about your feelings, but what you think he did wrong – you could focus on how you’re actually feeling and say, “I was disappointed I didn’t get to talk to you” or “I was looking forward to your call.”
Notice how these statements focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did or didn’t do.
Or perhaps you’re going on a first date and the guy says he wants you to drive up to where he lives to meet him, or to meet him at a halfway mark. If you would be picked up, or meet closer to your home, that’s what you would say: “I’d rather not drive that far,” or “I prefer to be picked up.”
Neither of these statements is teaching him or telling him what to do. You are simply stating your preferences and then he gets to choose what to do with that information – to either fulfill your desire, or not.
If your husband or boyfriend has been eating fast food three days in a row because he’s been working long hours, instead of telling him, “You should take a healthy lunch so that you’re not eating all of that grease and wasting all of that money,” there are several things you could do.
You could acknowledge that he’s a grown man who probably already knows that fast food is not the healthiest food choice and trust him to make what he feels are the best decisions for himself.
You could also choose to focus on the times he does make a healthy choice and point that out, instead. In this case, you could say, “It was a great idea to cook extra fish so that you have something healthy to take for lunch tomorrow.” This way, instead of focusing on what you don’t agree with or approve of, you’re choosing to focus on what you’d like to see happen more often!
The point is that people don’t like to be told what the should do or what they’re doing wrong, and they rarely choose to change out of being badgered, criticized, or made to feel badly.
Assuming that you are dating or in a relationship with an adult, you can trust that he knows how to take care of himself. After all, he managed to survive several decades before meeting you, right?
Respecting his choices and ideas as his choices and ideas – without trying to fix or change him or them – doesn’t mean you agree with them. It simply means you respect them. And respect is a key ingredient in any relationship.
So, the next time you have the urge to teach, correct, criticize, or give your unsolicited advice or opinion, ask yourself whether you want to be the one who teaches him what he should do or the one who gets to love and accept and be loved and accepted by him. Then remind yourself that there’s probably no better way to let him know you love him than letting him know that you trust and respect him and his choices!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 24, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I started my career as a teacher. I absolutely love knowing I’m making a difference in the lives of the people I teach – whether they be children, other educators, my own kids, or my clients. Helping someone discover something new that changes the way they see and understand things is one of the most rewarding feelings for me.
There is one person in my life, however, who doesn’t quite appreciate me “teaching” him: My husband.
See, for years, I didn’t realize that I was spending a lot of time trying to teach my husband how to eat healthier, dress better, or express his emotions in a more calm way. I didn’t realize that every time I began a sentence with “You should…,” “You shouldn’t…,” or “What I would do is…,” he was cringing inside! Why? Well, first of all, because, usually, he hadn’t asked me for my help! All of that unsolicited, “helpful advice” was coming across as condescending, and, while I thought I was coming from a helpful place, all he heard from me was criticism and correction – like I was trying to fix or change him.
And, you know what? He was right!
The truth is that, while I used the cloak of trying to be helpful or giving my honest opinion, when I gave my husband unsolicited advice, it was usually because I thought there was something he could or should be doing differently. Rather than respecting his way of doing things, I felt it was my duty to let him know how he could or should do it differently or better (a.k.a. my way).
Once I began realizing just how negatively this was impacting my relationship, in that my husband was withdrawing and resisting everything I suggested (to the point where it seemed he was purposefully doing the opposite of anything I said), I began making a real effort to think before speaking and to be totally honest with myself about why I felt the need to say something. Was it really about sharing my opinion – my unsolicited opinion – or was it because I was trying to change his mind about how he should do something. Once I began to catch myself, I was able to see that a lot of the time, it really was about me wanting him to do things my way. And it was costing me big time when it came to the intimacy in our relationship.
So, does this mean that as women in a relationship we never get to say what we think, how we feel, or what we want? Not at all!
My husband and I now have an agreement that if either one of us wants coaching or would like the other’s opinion, then we clearly make the request by saying something like, “I’d like your opinion…” or “I’d really like some coaching.” This request is crystal-clear and it helps both the person who is requesting the advice or coaching and the one doing the listening, because now, if I’m the listener, I know that there is a different way I should be listening to what he’s saying. If he’s not requesting my advice, I can just be a generous listener. And, even then, the only way I can really give my opinion or coaching is if I’m really listening to him and listening for what he is asking. If I’m only half-listening, or only thinking about what I’m going to say, chances are that what I end up saying may not be relevant to what he’s shared. And, even when he asks for my opinion, I like to ask him what he thinks first so that I can see what he’s already thinking of doing. This gives me the opportunity to be supportive and respectful of his ideas, because, ultimately, he’s going to want to make the choice that feels right to him. Notice how I said that the choice feels right to him, not to me! (smile)
I wish I could say that I never revert to “teacher mode” anymore. That I’m completely devoid of the need to want to correct or tell my husband how he might say, do, or approach something differently. The truth is that now and again, I do tell him how he should drive, what I think he should say to an employee, or why I think he’s hit a plateau on his weight loss. The truth is that I’m not perfect, and that the need to be right does creep up every once in a while. The difference now is that I can recognize when I’ve done it and I’ll apologize to him. And, sometimes, when I’m really being aware of my speaking, I may even catch myself as I’m doing it, and I will immediately stop myself mid-sentence and apologize to him for trying to tell him what to do. Usually, he’ll respond by giving me that smile that says, “Thanks, Babe!” (I love that smile!).
On the next blog post, I’ll be sharing some very specific statements that can use to share what you feel, want and think in such a way that it doesn’t come across as teaching, fixing, or trying to change the man you are dating or in a relationship with!
So stay tuned for Friday’s post!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Sep 20, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
This week I found myself dealing with many disappointments. I’m usually a pretty positive person, but I have to admit that I had more than a few moments of frustration, sadness, and crying sessions. Working myself through the disappointment took a willingness to just be with the feelings, rather than resisting them; be responsible for the role I’d played in having things turn out the way they did; and courage to dust myself off and pick myself up again! I also discovered that, as disappointing as a situation may be, the lessons learned are part of the journey and that, if I can be open to seeing what those lessons are, I am one step closer to achieving my goals and dreams.
It’s no different when it comes to dating in relationships. Whether you’re disappointed that you’re not attracting the kind of man you’d like to share your life with, or you’re disappointed about the way a conversation with your husband or boyfriend went, it’s how you choose to deal with the disappointment can affect how beneficial the learning experience can be.
So, what are some ways that you can effectively deal with disappointments in relationships?
- Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Trying to resist feeling sad, upset, or disillusioned is futile. As the saying goes: “What your resists persists,” so give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. The key to getting to the other side of the disappointment, however, is to avoid wrapping yourself in the feeling and staying “stuck” there. Instead, acknowledge what you’re feeling, allow yourself to feel it, and, then let it go. The other day, my sister and I gave each other permission to vent about an issue we were having for 10 minutes. Once those 10 minutes were over, we moved on to seeking solutions! It was great because we didn’t have to go through making one another wrong for feeling how we were feeling or pretending that we weren’t feeling that way, which deepened the intimacy we share.
In a romantic relationship, you may want to give yourself a “time out” before sharing how you are feeling. Why? Because at times, our emotions are super-charged at the moment of disappointment, and we may end up saying or doing something we’re later going to regret, thus adding to the disappointment. So, it’s much better to sort through what it is that you are feeling – perhaps by venting with someone who is not a part of the situation – before choosing to share those feelings with our partner.
- Take responsibility for the role you played in the situation. Whether a mistake was made, something could have been done differently, you said or did something that contributed to the situation, or you fueled the flames by defending your point of view or making the other person wrong, own the role you played in how things turned out. Taking responsibility is not about assigning fault or blame. It’s simply about being willing to acknowledge what you did or said that contributed to the situation. This is important, because, once you take responsibility for the role you played in the situation, you can also take the credit for helping to turn things around! So, rather than defend yourself or assign blame to others, just take responsibility for the part you played so that you can move forward. Which brings us to the next point:
- Avoid staying stuck in the muck. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t enjoy failing, making mistakes, or having things turn out differently than I imagined. I prefer success a whole lot more! However, sometimes, after having experienced a disappointment, it can be difficult to want to try again. We fear having to experience the sting of disappointment again, and this can cause us to want to want to quit and stop trying. The problem, however, is that, until we’re willing to step out of the muck and try again, we’ll never truly know what we’re capable of creating.
So, if you’re disappointed with regard to your experience with dating, revise your online profile, look for another online site that may be more to your liking, and trying out new places and activities where you might meet potential suitors. If you’re disappointed with the level of love and romance in your relationship, do something fun and romantic with or for your partner. And if you feel as if you’re struggling to make your relationship work, reach out a relationship coach or someone you know who can help you see what you may be able to do turn things around. There is always help and there’s always hope!
And throughout all of this, remember that, as painful and uncomfortable as the disappointment may seem, there are life and love lessons to be learned at every moment – each one another stepping stone in your journey. And every time you choose to have the courage to identify what those lessons are and apply them in your life and relationships, you are one step closertoward achieving your dreams and fulfilling your heart’s desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
