How to Love Again After the Loss of Your Spouse
by Gladys Diaz
My wonderful, sexy, amazingly funny, husband died last year from heart complications following open heart surgery. He was in the hospital for the last three months of his life. When do you know to give your heart to that someone, especially if you have been grieving for almost a year? If, he says “I love you,” how do you tell him not to say that to you for a while, and how to say it without hurting his feelings?
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Having been widowed myself, I know that there are so many mixed feelings that come with having lost the man you loved and considering when it’s time to begin moving forward again.
I remember feeling like part of me died with my late husband. All of the dreams and plans we’d made for our future were no longer possible once he was gone. I felt lost, afraid, and seriously wondered whether I would ever find that kind of happiness again with another person. Part of me wanted to move forward and allow myself to feel happiness again. Part of me was angry and upset, wondering why this had happened to me at such a young age. And another part of me wondered if I’d have to just settle for someone who made me feel “kind of happy,” “sort of loved,” and “somewhat ready” to move forward.
I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t feel 100% ready to fall in-love with someone new when I met Ric. I was still grieving. There were more better days than when my husband first passed away, but there were also still some days where the sadness and loneliness overwhelmed me. I wasn’t looking to find someone new, but I was willing to open up to the idea of at least feeling some happiness again.
When I did meet and started going out with my husband, I felt a little guilty about feeling so happy again, and I was also terrified that I’d have my heart broken. I wanted to know how things were going to turn out before I invested my heart. I also wasn’t sure how to respond to the love that he was so openly sending my way.
I decided one day that I could be scared and uncertain and still allow myself the permission to be happy and see where things would go with him.
He shared his love for me first, and I remember thinking, “I really thought I’d never hear those words again, and here they are!” And when I shared my love for him, I remember thinking, “I never thought I’d feel this way or speak those words again, and here I am!” It was a wonderful, amazing feeling to know that it was actually possible for me to receive and give love and to feel happiness again.
You ask when you should give your heart to someone new. The truth is that only you will know when you are willing to do that. You may not feel “ready,” but if you feel willing to do it – to take a chance and give yourself to permission to feel joy and love again – then it’s going to take some courage, but you can do it. You just have to let yourself open up and let that love in.
You also ask how to tell him not to say that he loves you for a while without hurting his feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to him to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. You can, however, tell him what you’d prefer. Let him know how it makes you feel when he says that he loves you, thank him for his love and how it makes you feel to be loved, and let him know that you need a little more time before you feel ready to respond. That way, you’re acknowledging his feelings for you and letting him know that this is about you not feeling ready to respond in kind, rather than telling him how he should feel or what he should or shouldn’t say.
And I invite you to just spend a little time with you, asking yourself how you feel about him. Acknowledge any fears that may be standing in your way and blocking you from allowing yourself to give or receive love from this man. Are you willing to give yourself permission to live and love again?
Remind yourself that giving yourself permission to laugh, love, and live again do not in any way diminish or discredit the love you and your husband shared. It’s just a new season in your life. And, if the man you are seeing now is a good man who gives you the experience of feeling loved, cherished, and cared for, then why would you deny yourself those feelings?
You have an opportunity to experience love more than once in a lifetime! I invite you to allow for the possibility that your happiness honors the love you and your husband shared as well as honoring your own desires to live life having the experience of loving and being loved!
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