by heartsdesireintl | Jun 29, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Money Issues, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
My partner doesn’t understand money and spends it recklessly. I’m afraid we’re going to end up in the poorhouse. We can’t even bring the subject up because it immediately leads to a fight.
Ask anyone what one of the top reasons for divorce is, and they will probably say, “Money.” Contrary to public opinion – and even studies – I disagree. I don’t believe that money is the main reason people get divorced. It’s how people relate to one another when it comes to money that leads to the arguments, blame, and resentment that ultimately leads many couples to divorce one another.
So what are some of the factors that lead to having “money problems” inside of romantic relationships?
- Keeping “money secrets.” One of the reasons people have trouble when it comes to money and relationships is that, many times, they don’t discuss money issues prior to joining their lives, and, consequently, their finances. I’ve had clients who, because they are in a lot of debt feel as sense of shame around their situation, are afraid that it could cost them being in a relationship with someone they love. Hence, they’ll avoid bringing up the topic of finances until after marriage.
Granted, when we are getting to know someone, we always try to present ourselves in the most positive light. But, once you begin getting closer and consider spending your life with someone, it’s important to be honest about those issues that can potentially impact the other person. While it’s natural to be afraid when you’re unsure of how a person will react to learning something about you that’s not wonderful and exciting, it’s also important to have trust in a relationship and that begins with being truthful.
- Being afraid to join finances. Another common money issue I’ve seen come is the unwillingness of one or both of the people to join finances when they join their lives – and I’m not even talking about those that start our their marriages with a prenuptial agreement that protects them just in case the marriage comes to an end (which is a whole other blog post!). I’m referring to the fear of giving up “what’s mine” in order to begin to create “what’s ours.”
When I coach women in this area, I remind them that the real issue is not whether or not they actually join their finances with their husband, it’s dealing with the fear that has them belief that this is unsafe or that he will someone take advantage of or not provide for her needs. That is a much deeper issue than whether or not you go to the bank and open a joint checking or savings account. And, while this is a topic that calls for more coaching than I can do via this blog post, I will say that, once the fears are addressed, the woman begins to experience freedom around finances and to enjoy a very deep level of intimacy with her husband.
- The unwillingness to compromise. Before we get married, each of us has a certain way of doing things. We have a system for paying our bills on time, managing our checkbook, and tracking our spending (or not). When we get married, chances are that our new spouse also has his own way of doing these things and there’s a very good chance that it’s going to be different than our way. Coming to the conversation ready to prove that you’re right and he’s wrong is only going to have both of your defenses up. Here’s where the willingness to compromise and consider that maybe – just maybe – there is another way to do things. Being willing to accept that different doesn’t mean “wrong,” will go a long way toward avoiding those arguments you mentioned in your email.
Going back to your original question, you mention that your partner is spending money “recklessly.” Can you see how there is already a judgment that how he spends and manages money is “wrong”? For men, who have a natural desire to provide for and please women, this also sends the message that you don’t trust him to be responsible and care for you.
A better way to approach this may be just letting him know what you would like, instead of what you think he should do. For instance, letting him know that you’d really like to buy a home, go on vacation, or put money aside for retirement or an emergency fund will probably land a little bit better than pointing out all the ways he’s being irresponsible or reckless with money. Letting him know that you trust him could ignite his natural tendency to want to provide for and please you. At the very least there won’t be any accusations for him to defend himself against, which means it’s likely the conversation won’t turn into an argument.
Money issues can bring out the best and worst in people. However, the willingness to communicate, trust, and compromise are essential to creating both emotional and financial intimacy in a relationship!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 28, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I recently ended a relationship with a man that after almost two years of dating I realized was not in partnership. As much as I wanted the relationship to work out, I saw qualities in him that would not make him a good husband. I see where I could have ended this relationship sooner, but because of my age (I am 40 years old), I wanted to give it my all because I really wanted to be married and have a family. I am now glad I ended it, because I know I wouldn’t have been happy married to him. However, I now find myself at 40 years old wanting children and single. I don’t know if I want to invest another 1-2 years in another relationship and then, if it doesn’t work, out find myself unable to have children. I have looked into freezing my eggs but there is no 100% certainty that the eggs will be viable years from now. I have also looked into sperm donors. Adoption is not out of the question, but I would really like to have a child of my own. What would you advise someone like me?
Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this with us. Wanting to have children is one of the first responses I get when I ask a woman what it is that she wants to experience in a relationship. As a mother, I can completely understand why women want to experience this in their lives, and I wish this sort of joy on everyone! However, as you well point out in your email, being in a happy relationship and being a mother are two completely different things.
In today’s day and age, it’s become easier for women to have children, whether or not they are in a relationship. However, too many children are born into unhappy marriages, and, since you reached out to me and I’m a relationship expert and not a fertility expert, I’d like to focus on the relationship side of your question, first.
You mentioned how you probably stayed in the relationship a little longer than you could have, but chose to stay because of your age and wanting to be married and have a family. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I completely agree with honoring your desire to be married and that I fully believe that it’s possible for every woman to be in a happy, loving relationship that lasts for a lifetime. So, I acknowledge you for trying to work things out.
However, it’s also important that you acknowledge why you really chose to stay. On the surface, it may seem that it was out of the desire to marry and have a family with him. But if there were signs way before you left indicating that you probably would not have had a happy marriage with him, then there’s probably another reason – a deep-seeded fear – that may have had you stay.
What are some of the reasons that might have a woman choose to stay in a relationship with someone who may not be right for her?
- Not being sure of what you want in a relationship: You’ve heard us say this before in our blog and at our events: If you’re not crystal-clear about what you want, you will settle for what you think you can get. Settling for less than what you want and deserve does not honor the beauty and wonder of who you are, nor will it allow you to ever feel truly fulfilled in a relationship. When you get clear about what you want in a relationship, then you are able to see what does and doesn’t align with that.
- Fear of not being loved: The fear of being alone is only out-ranked by the fear of not being loved. The fear of not having someone in our lives who will love and accept us exactly the way we are and the way we are not can drive us, again, to settle for less than what is possible for us in love and relationships. The truth is that you are already naturally love-able – able to love and be loved. The fact that you have not yet attracted the man with whom you’ll spend your life does not indicate that it will never happen. Believe that experiencing true love is possible for you!
- Fear of taking a risk: I know it can be scary to get out there and start over again. However, if what you want is to be in a happy loving marriage where you can then start creating a happy family, it’s going to take the courage and willingness to put your heart out there again. This time, however, really be clear about what you want to experience so that you don’t spend 1-2 years trying to make something work that is not leading to the kind of relationship you want to experience. Take some time to get to know different men, and, if you’re not having the experience of being happy, loved, and cherished, then have the courage to walk away and make room for the man who is willing to create that family and relationship with you.
Bringing a child into an unhappy marriage is not only unfair to the child, but it dishonors you and the love you are worthy of. So, yes, look into all of your options for having a child and choose the one that works best for you. And, if what you want to experience motherhood within a happy relationship where the two of you can be partners in life, love, and parenting, then get clear about what you want, remember that you are love-able, and be willing to take the risk to open up your heart and love again!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 27, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship? Especially me, who had short lived relationship of 3 ½ months, how do I change? I know everyone tells me that it’s not me but it’s hard to believe it’s not me. They tell me I shouldn’t change for someone but I would think I would have to, because if I couldn’t make this short relationship work for only 3.5 months how will I ever have a lasting long term one?
The last serious relationship I had before this short one was over ten years ago and I caught him cheating and after that I just concentrated on my son getting him through high school and college so now I need to figure how to live and find someone I can offer something to God willing?
I can hear that you are frustrated and that you really do want to be in a relationship. I also hear that you’re not exactly sure what it is that you want to experience in a relationship.
I agree with your friends that you shouldn’t have to change who you are in order for someone to love you, because you – the essence of who you are – is who you want someone to fall in love with.
There are, however, thoughts, behaviors, and patterns that don’t serve us or stop us from having what it is that we want to experience, that we may need to change. The first step, however, is to address the question at the beginning of your email: How do we know what we are looking for in a relationship?
You mention having had your heart broken twice – once as a result of a betrayal, and the other after your last relationship. Having your heart broken is never easy, and it can seem even more painful when the heartache is due to someone betraying the trust we placed in them. I’ve also found that it’s not uncommon for women to focus on other things – their children, their careers, their hobbies and interests – as a way to avoid the possibility of having to experience that sort of heartache again.
The problem is that, if what your heart truly desires is to be in a relationship, even if you find pleasure and satisfaction in the other things you are focusing on, part of you may always feel unfulfilled, because you are not honoring that desire. The only way to truly feel fulfilled is to honor our truth and to be willing to take a risk – yes, even one that involves potential heartache – in order to experience what we truly want.
You ask how you can truly know what you want in a relationship. Many times, women will begin to list what it is they want to find in a man or the type of man with whom they want to be in a relationship. However, the love and happiness we seek will never be found in another person. That’s way too much responsibility and pressure to put on another human being who is already dealing with being responsible for his own happiness. Instead, what you want to focus on is how you want to feel within that relationship. What is the type of experience you’d like to have?
When you think about or envision yourself being in a “happy relationship,” what does that mean?
What does it feel like? What are the emotions you feel that let you know that you know that you know that this is it?
What does it look like? How do you relate to one another? What are the things you do that let both of you know that you are exactly where you’ve always dreamed you’d be inside of a relationship?
What does it sound like? What are the words that you speak and say to one another? How do you speak to one another? What’s the experience of speaking and being heard by one another like?
Really try to envision yourself in the type of relationship you dream of being in.
If you’re still not sure of what that dream relationship would be like, picture couples who you consider to be happy together. What do you notice when you observe them? What makes it seem like theirs is a good relationship?
Don’t rush to answer. Give it some thought. Many of us have not asked ourselves these types of questions, because we’re so focused on meeting him and on how he needs to look, be, and act that we don’t always think about what it is we’d like to create with him – whoever he is – once we attract him into our lives.
So, take your time, allow yourself to dream big, and then begin to live and be the qualities you’d like to see in your dream relationship so that you can attract someone who also wants to create that with you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 24, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
When does asking turn into nagging?
I often invite my husband to speak to the ladies who attend my training sessions, just so that he can share what it’s like to be in a relationship on the receiving end of the principles that I teach. About 99% of the time you can count on someone asking him, “What can I do to get my husband to help me?”
His answer: “Don’t nag him about it.”
I think it’s tempting to think that if we remind a man about what we said we wanted or needed, what he said he’d do, and the promises we made him make that he will somehow, suddenly, be inspired to do it. What I’ve found, however, is that you’d be hard-pressed to find a single man on this planet who has ever been inspired to do something because he was nagged to do it.
Now, this doesn’t mean that men won’t give in, just so that the nagging will stop. Many will. Why? Well, another golden nugget of information my husband has shared is this:
Men don’t like drama. Mostly, they just want to have peace – peace of mind, peace in their homes, and peace in their relationships. They’ll do it, not because the nagging was effective, but because they are more interested in having the nagging stop than they are to having to sit there and listen to it again. What this does is it cheats us out of having him do something because he wants to, instead of because he feels he has to in order to avoid the nagging and bickering.
So, how can we let our men know what we want and would like, instead of nagging them to death?
- Be clear about what you want (or don’t want). Unless you know what you want, it’s hard to express that to someone else. So, rather than focusing on what you think he should do, just focus on the end result. For example, if what you’d like is to go out, instead of staying home, rather than nagging him about never taking you out by saying something like, “I’d really like to go out this weekend.” Instead of nagging him to paint the living room again, say something like, “I’d really like to finish redecorating the living room.”
- Stay focused on you not on what you want him to do. Use statements that begin with the phrases, “I want…,” “I don’t want…,” “I prefer…” For example, you could say things like, “I want to cook my favorite desert, but I don’t want to wash the dishes” or, “I want to go dancing, but I don’t want to stay out too late. “ Each of these statements keep you focused on you, rather than on what you want him to do.
- Remember that men love to please women. Almost nothing makes a man as happy as know that he has something to do with how happy the woman he loves is. If you can remember that men love to please women, then you can present what you’d like as an invitation, instead of an obligation. In other words, if you express what you’d like purely, free from expectations or judgments about how and by when it must be done, he’ll be more inclined to want to help you because you haven’t treated him like a child or given him orders about what he needs to do.
When we remember to focus on what we want, and express that desire in a way that invites him to help and please us, he gets the pleasure of not being nagged all the time and we get the pleasure of having our desires fulfilled! Sounds like a win-win to me!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 24, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My wonderful, sexy, amazingly funny, husband died last year from heart complications following open heart surgery. He was in the hospital for the last three months of his life. When do you know to give your heart to that someone, especially if you have been grieving for almost a year? If, he says “I love you,” how do you tell him not to say that to you for a while, and how to say it without hurting his feelings?
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Having been widowed myself, I know that there are so many mixed feelings that come with having lost the man you loved and considering when it’s time to begin moving forward again.
I remember feeling like part of me died with my late husband. All of the dreams and plans we’d made for our future were no longer possible once he was gone. I felt lost, afraid, and seriously wondered whether I would ever find that kind of happiness again with another person. Part of me wanted to move forward and allow myself to feel happiness again. Part of me was angry and upset, wondering why this had happened to me at such a young age. And another part of me wondered if I’d have to just settle for someone who made me feel “kind of happy,” “sort of loved,” and “somewhat ready” to move forward.
I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t feel 100% ready to fall in-love with someone new when I met Ric. I was still grieving. There were more better days than when my husband first passed away, but there were also still some days where the sadness and loneliness overwhelmed me. I wasn’t looking to find someone new, but I was willing to open up to the idea of at least feeling some happiness again.
When I did meet and started going out with my husband, I felt a little guilty about feeling so happy again, and I was also terrified that I’d have my heart broken. I wanted to know how things were going to turn out before I invested my heart. I also wasn’t sure how to respond to the love that he was so openly sending my way.
I decided one day that I could be scared and uncertain and still allow myself the permission to be happy and see where things would go with him.
He shared his love for me first, and I remember thinking, “I really thought I’d never hear those words again, and here they are!” And when I shared my love for him, I remember thinking, “I never thought I’d feel this way or speak those words again, and here I am!” It was a wonderful, amazing feeling to know that it was actually possible for me to receive and give love and to feel happiness again.
You ask when you should give your heart to someone new. The truth is that only you will know when you are willing to do that. You may not feel “ready,” but if you feel willing to do it – to take a chance and give yourself to permission to feel joy and love again – then it’s going to take some courage, but you can do it. You just have to let yourself open up and let that love in.
You also ask how to tell him not to say that he loves you for a while without hurting his feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to him to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. You can, however, tell him what you’d prefer. Let him know how it makes you feel when he says that he loves you, thank him for his love and how it makes you feel to be loved, and let him know that you need a little more time before you feel ready to respond. That way, you’re acknowledging his feelings for you and letting him know that this is about you not feeling ready to respond in kind, rather than telling him how he should feel or what he should or shouldn’t say.
And I invite you to just spend a little time with you, asking yourself how you feel about him. Acknowledge any fears that may be standing in your way and blocking you from allowing yourself to give or receive love from this man. Are you willing to give yourself permission to live and love again?
Remind yourself that giving yourself permission to laugh, love, and live again do not in any way diminish or discredit the love you and your husband shared. It’s just a new season in your life. And, if the man you are seeing now is a good man who gives you the experience of feeling loved, cherished, and cared for, then why would you deny yourself those feelings?
You have an opportunity to experience love more than once in a lifetime! I invite you to allow for the possibility that your happiness honors the love you and your husband shared as well as honoring your own desires to live life having the experience of loving and being loved!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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