by Gladys Diaz

I dated a man for 7 years before I married him.  We had,  – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren.  They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped!  What a mistake.

It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.

To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends.  My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again.  The police did nothing but slap his hand.  And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me.  I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool.  I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?

I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward.  Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.

The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?”  Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and  long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.

I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children.  I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.

Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married. 

Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you?  Was he willing to stand up for you?  Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them?  How did you feel about becoming part of the family?  Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?

I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.”  I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way.  However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future.  It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.

For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity.  Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?

It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship. 

Was he prone to getting excessively angry?  Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger?  Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt?  Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?

Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married?  Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages.  Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?

Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on.  Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?

Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part.  It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.

It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!

It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself.  I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through.  Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life.  Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself.  The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.

If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!

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