by heartsdesireintl | Jun 12, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course, he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?
Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves. You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”
I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.” But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you. Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together. Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change. Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.
I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around! So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship? And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?
So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve. And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 9, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating with my boyfriend for 3years and recently I found out that he had some affairs with other girls. When I confronted him, he told me nothing but that he was feeling he needed validation from other people. Then some days later he called me up and ended the relationship saying that he is not ready yet, that I was too good for him now, and that I should give him time to better himself. I felt so bad, so much so, that this situation affected my academics, and now I have been asked to withdraw from my course because I was not able to pass a certain number of papers. I feel so depressed and confused.
I really want to get out of this situation. I have taken sometime to forgive myself and forgive him. I have cut all contacts with him. I just want to be able to focus on what makes me happy right now. Right now I am in a dilemma because I am still not able to figure out what is next. I really need your help because I always find myself hoping things will get better with him someday. I really am myself when I am with him and he is a nice person.
I think that one of the most painful things a person can go through is being betrayed by someone they love. Creating a relationship involves so much vulnerability and the willingness to open our heart to someone, all the while knowing that there are no guarantees and that we might get hurt. Knowing this, however, doesn’t make the pain any less severe when we find that the person has betrayed our trust.
I know you refer to your ex-boyfriend as “a nice person,” and it’s possible that he’s very kind. However, it sounds from your email that there was more than one case of infidelity. So, as nice or kind as he may be, if he’s incapable of being faithful to you, then he simply is not the right guy for you. The truth is that you deserve to be with someone who chooses to be with you and only you.
If your ex had chosen to take responsibility for the infidelity, apologized and promised to be faithful and commit to making the relationship work, I’d tell you that, while it makes the journey a little more difficult once the trust has been broken in the relationship, with support, it is possible to truly forgive, recommit, and make things work.
The fact that he said he needs time to work on bettering himself, that he doesn’t feel you deserve him, and he’s not ready to commit to you right now, while painful to hear, is probably the kindest and most loving thing he could have done. Rather than continue to lie or pretend that he’s in this relationship 100%, he’s choosing to let you go, stop hurting you and, hopefully, focus on himself. This is actually something for which you can be grateful.
I hear you saying that you want to do the same and focus on what makes you happy right now, and that’s exactly what I’d recommend. This is the time to really focus on what you want for yourself and your life. If being in school is something that is important to you and having that career is something you really want, then I’d recommend speaking to whoever you need to speak to regarding what you can do to get back on track. If you haven’t been pampering yourself, taking time to just relax and replenish your heart, body, and spirit, now is the time to begin scheduling those things into your day. If you have girlfriends or family members who will support you in moving forward with your dreams, then surround yourself and spend time with them.
This is the time for you to take responsibility for your own happiness and to really focus on becoming the woman you were created to be. This is what is going to help you feel more confidence, joy, fulfillment, and peace of mind and heart. And it’s also what is going to make you very attractive to the man who is right for you. He will see your joy, confidence, and peace, and will be attracted to you and to the idea of adding to that happiness.
As for your ex and holding onto hope that things will get better, I know it’s difficult, but, if what you want is to experience a relationship where you are loved, honored, and respected, then you’re probably going to need to let go and close this chapter of your life so that you can begin to create the next one.
Trust that everything is happening just as it should. Trust that you found out for a reason and that the relationship ended for a reason. And trust that you can and will have a relationship where the man chooses to love, to commit, and to be with you and only you, because that is what you deserve!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 8, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
How do you stay patient when you feel you are ready for love? I understand the importance of being unattached so that you can let a new love in, but I worry I will give off a desperate air when I go on dates or meet someone new because I feel ready for a relationship.
Let’s be honest, the reason most people date is because they want to be in a relationship. Sure, some people just don’t want to be alone, or they want to have fun, but the majority of people are dating in hopes of meeting the person who’s right for them.
So, how do you stay patient when you feel you are ready for love?
- Stay in the present moment.
When we feel we’re ready for love, it’s easy to allow ourselves to fast-forward into the future and imagine what it would be like if the guy sitting across from us is the one we’ll spend our lives with, especially if we like him! It’s easy to begin picturing what it would be like to be kissed by him, to travel with him, and to stand next to him on an altar.
While it’s great to hope and dream, when we’re not here, in the present, we can miss signs that perhaps this isn’t the best person for us. We also miss out on what’s happening here and now, so we don’t get to enjoy it. Next time you feel yourself wandering into the future that’s in your mind, bring yourself to the present by reminding yourself, “I’m sipping some great wine,” “We’re listening to excellent music,” “I’m having a great time.” Bring yourself back to the present and focus how you are feeling while on the date.
- Allow him to set the pace.
Too often, women will try to jump the gun or get the ball rolling by taking control of the budding relationship. They want to know where this is headed and whether or not they’re “wasting” their time. Often, this leads to being the pursuer, rather than the receiver in the relationship, which also puts the women in the undesirable role of risking rejection when she asks him out on a date or begins to badger and pressure him into expressing his feelings about her.
This robs a woman of the opportunity to see whether or not he wants to be with her. In short, she’ll always wonder whether he just agreed or disagreed with her, rather knowing that he chose to be with her because he wanted to, not because he felt pressured.
- Check in with yourself often.
It’s tempting while on a date to wonder whether or not he likes you, whether he’s going to ask you out on another date, and whether he’s having a good time getting to know you. However, rather than focusing all of your energy on him, bring your attention back to yourself. Do you like him? Do you want to go out with him again? How do you feel? Are you having fun? By focusing on yourself, you’ll avoid driving yourself crazy wondering about what’s going on over there with him!
If you stay present, let go of trying to control the pace of the relationship, and keep checking in with yourself to see how you are feeling, you won’t have to worry about giving off “a desperate air.” Instead, the energy you’ll be giving off is that of being confident, at peace, and open to the possibility of beomg pleasantly surprised!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 7, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I had this long distance “relationship”(?) with a man for the past year. We spoke over the phone, having marathon sessions nightly or every other night. 2 hours, 3 hours, it seemed like time disappeared.
I developed a crazy crush (not attractive for a woman over 49) and my heart raced and fluttered when speaking or being with him after about the first 3 weeks. That crush made me speak incessantly (or maybe that’s just me), be giddy and flirty and funny and basically filled with the joy of love.
On two instances he just disappeared and then after a few weeks would come back. At the start of this year, we went 3 months without speaking. No closure, no communication about it. He just disappeared and went silent; no return of voice mails, phone calls, texts…nothing.
Two weeks ago he left me this eloquent (or so I thought?) voice mail that he still loves and cares about me and to call him back if I want. Well, I called him back and he called me back two weeks later and the call went awful. I started off great and then out of my mouth I started rambling, babbling about what I was thinking, how I felt. I believe I told him his actions don’t match his words. How would I know he cares about me? That would be hard to tell…
I haven’t heard from him since.
I really want to reconnect with him. Sometimes I really miss him. I really felt I had a soul connection with this man, yet the heightened crush (which wasn’t even physical) caught me by surprise. I would love to at least to get some closure like two adults instead of beating myself up, feeling like something I did pushed him away, making myself wrong and blaming myself for knowing better than to allow my heightened crush to take my brain away and have me be giddy like a school girl and God knows what else?
Do you recommend I call him? Just leave it? Learn the lesson to be grounded next time? This has caused me such pain and feeling so thrown aside, disregarded, disrespected, and this man does not seem like that kind of man. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive.
It can be really frustrating when we’re getting to know someone and, all of a sudden, he disappears. It’s not that uncommon when dating, because, many times, people are seeing different people at the same time, so it may be that the person starts getting to know someone else with whom he’s exploring the possibility of being in a relationship with, and begin spending more time with her. It’s not “wrong.” Before there’s an actual commitment, it’s perfectly okay to be seeing several people at the same time (Note: I said it’s okay to date several people at the same time, not sleep with a bunch of people at the same time… BIG difference!).
Another theory is that some men, when they begin to feel really close to a woman, tend to pull away for a bit to get clear on what it is that they want. Relationship expert John Gray refers to this as “the rubber band effect,” and he says that, if a man is ready to commit, he’ll snap back stronger and more committed than ever.
From your email, it sounds like he would disappeared on and off throughout your friendship (notice how I did not call it “a relationship,” because, as my sister and business partner, Michelle always says: It isn’t a relationship… until it is).
Even after he reappeared this time, however, he disappeared again after your response and didn’t contact you for another two weeks. Since he’s not the one reaching out for advice or coaching, there’s nothing you can do to control whether or not he calls you or not, and I have no way of knowing why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, I’m not going to focus on him. Instead, I invite you to take a look at yourself and ask yourself whether this is the kind of pattern you’re interested in continuing to allow and experience?
While I can’t be 100% sure from your email, it sounds as if this was the only guy you were getting to know, which means that you weren’t dating other people during the time that the two of you were speaking on the phone. I can tell you really liked him, and that you hoped it would to turn into something more “permanent,” but, when we stop seeing other people before a commitment is made, we cheat ourselves out of possibly allowing someone else – someone equally or even more wonderful – to enter our lives and give us the experience we do want to have in a relationship. That has us get attached to the person and it’s tempting to keep holding on, hoping that he will change, even when we’re unhappy.
You asked whether you should call him, just leave it, or learn the lesson to be grounded next time. My answers: No, yes, and yes.
I wouldn’t recommend calling him. I get that the last conversation you had didn’t go well. It sounds as if it the call was focused on making him “wrong” for not having called you. Granted, anyone would be tempted to find out why someone had just dropped out existence. However, when a guy reaches out again after some time, it’s usually because he’s been procrastinating having that “first call.” Why? Because most guys know it’s probably not going to go well, and they’d rather avoid the situation altogether!
Does that mean you shouldn’t have expressed how you were feeling? Not at all! If you think back and focus on what you were really feeling, chances are that 3 words would have communicated your feelings purely, without making him wrong. They are: I miss you. That’s it. Everything after that would be trying to get him to feel badly about what he did or didn’t do and telling him what he should or shouldn’t have done. All of that can be captured in three other words: nagging and complaining. And, ladies, men do not like, nor are they inspired to change by nagging!
So, my advice is that you let this go. That’s how you’ll get closure for yourself. Holding onto this situation and to him, beating yourself up, hoping that each time the phone rings or an email or text comes in it’s from him is not serving you.
Let it go.
Focus, not only on “the lesson” learned, but on all of the things for which you are grateful as a result of this friendship – all of the things you learned about yourself and what you want to experience in a relationship.
And then, open your heart again to allow the love of someone who is going to treat you with love and tenderness and give you all of the attention that you desire and deserve to come in!
Hope this helps! Let me know!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 6, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating someone for a month and a half. We spend a lot of time when we are together, but do not communicate often when we are apart, which makes me feel a bit sad! How do I communicate to him that talking on the phone, checking in throughout the week is important to me, so that he can reach out to me more often, without driving him away?
I really like the way you are focusing on how you can communicate what you would like, rather than on what he needs to or “should” do. This is a great start, because, too many times, whether it’s at the beginning of dating or even further into the relationship, we begin to set expectations and make demands of the guy that can, as you mention, drive him away.
The first thing to keep in mind is that the two of you are just dating right now, which means you’re just getting to know one another (you’re not “in a relationship”). It sounds like you are enjoying the time you get to spend with him, which tells me that he’s treating you well and you are having fun (two very important aspects of dating!).
I hear that it makes you sad when you don’t hear from him throughout the week, and, given that you enjoy spending time with him, it’s completely understandable that you’d want to continue speaking with and getting to know him, even when you’re apart. I noticed that you said that you don’t communicate “often” when you’re apart, which leads me to believe that there is some communication, just not as much as you’d like.
When we express what we want or prefer, I always like to encourage women to present it as “an invitation,” rather than “an obligation.” An invitation lets him know, “I love it when you call me,” I enjoy talking to you, even when we’re apart,” and “Thanks for calling me! I have another reason to smile today!”
Contrarily, an obligation says, “You should be calling me during the week,” “I don’t get why you just can’t pick up the phone for a few seconds, just to say ‘hi,’ or “Why can’t you call or check in with me during the week?” The problem with the obligation is that it’s nothing short of a complaint and the underlying message is: “You did something wrong,” or “You messed up…again!”
So, can we express what we want or prefer without making him wrong for not doing it as often as we’d like?
- Focus on what he is doing to please you and receive his time and attention graciously. Thank him when he does something that pleases you. Let him know he made you smile. Guys like to know that they have something to do with the smile on your face!
- Say what you like or prefer without making demands or ultimatums. Saying something like, “I like hearing from you when we’re apart,” or even more simply, “I love hearing your voice,” sends the message that it pleases you when he calls you. Again, you’re presenting him with an invitation to call you more often.
- Let go of expectations. Too often, we have an idea in our mind of what things “should” look like and what the other person should be doing or saying. However, this is just our opinion, or our way of thinking about and seeing things. Of course, you always want to make sure that you feel safe and treated well when you’re dating or in a relationship with someone. However, be open to the idea that his way of communicating or expressing his feelings may be different from yours, and remind yourself that “different” does not mean it’s bad or wrong. It’s simply different.
Hope this helps, and let me know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
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