by heartsdesireintl | Jul 2, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I recently split from my man after a three year relationship. It has been very difficult for me to move on, even though he was cheating on line with a woman from his past. Over twenty years ago he had relations with this woman and a child that passed away. He had told me that she was responsible for the death and he would gain her trust to avenge the death of his daughter. I was amazed that he would tell me this and then pursue a legitimate relationship with this woman, even though she lives across the country from him.
I know this was an unhealthy relationship for me and I need to move on, but I’m guessing, that because of the rejection, I feel the need for a different ending for closure. Please give me advice on how to move on for me. No man should be the motivation for a brighter future.
I know that ending a long-term relationship is never something that is easy to do, even when all of the signs are clear that this was not a healthy relationship. I can hear that you are hurt by the betrayal, which is completely understandable. I’m also concerned that you stayed in a relationship with him, even after he mentioned that he was planning to gain this woman’s trust so that he could avenge his daughter’s death. The first thing I thought when I read that sentence was that that type of comment would have set off red flags, whistles and sirens for me regarding whether or not he was someone I could trust. He was practically letting you know that he’s someone who couldn’t be trusted.
Now, perhaps he said that in a moment of pain or distress over the loss of his daughter. I don’t know, nor do I want to begin trying to analyze the authenticity of his statement. My main concern lies with you and helping you move past this so that you can experience the healthy, happy relationship you deserve!
There is a really powerful statement you made that is at the heart of the pain you are experiencing. You wrote:
I feel the need for a different ending for closure.
The problem with this is that you want something different from what actually happened to happen, which is impossible. The fact is he was communicating with the woman he told you he was angry and blamed for the death of his daughter. Unless they were seeing each other, there wasn’t an actual affair taking place. That being said, I can still see where it would hurt you to find out that he may have been emotionally connecting with someone else. For all you know, this was part of his plan to gain her trust (based on what he said to you earlier). But the fact is that you found out about their communication and this is why the relationship ended.
Most of the time, when we are upset about something, it’s not so much that we’re upset about what happened or what is happening. The upset comes from wanting the situation to be different from what it is. And, because that is impossible – things are the way they are and they are not the way they’re not – we cause ourselves unnecessary worry, anxiety, and frustration. We keep replaying all the other ways it could have been or should have been. However, the situation remains what it is, and no amount of wanting or wishing that it were different is going to change that.
Another thing that causes us to feel pain and regret is that, while it seems that we are angry and upset at the other person for what he or she did, we’re actually upset with ourselves. We’re upset that we didn’t see or chose not to see the signs. We regret having invested so much time in a relationship that didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. And we hold on to that upset and regret so that we don’t have to be responsible for moving forward, because there’s a risk that we might get hurt again.
So, what can you do move past this relationship so that you can open your heart to one that fulfills and honors you?
- Accept what’s happened. The first step to moving forward is going to need to be to accept that what happened, happened. Accepting what’s happened does not mean that you agree with, condone, or celebrate it. It simply means that you acknowledge that it is what happened and that wanting and wishing it to be any other way does not change what actually happened, nor does is serve you.
- Let go of regret. Are there things that you have been replaying in your mind? Things you should or shouldn’t have said or done? Mistakes or decisions you wish you’d made or hadn’t made? Actions you wish you’d said or not said? Are you regretting having spent 3 years with someone, only to have things not work out? Let go of anything that has been keeping you stuck in the wishing that things were different than the way they are.
- Forgive. While your ex may be someone you want to consider forgiving, just so that you can experience peace from anger, upset and regret, I invite you to begin by forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for anything for which you have been blaming or making yourself wrong. If there are any regrets you didn’t let go of in the second step, or if some anger or resentment happens to come up again, accept, let go, and forgive yourself (or him) for it. Bringing love and compassion to yourself will make it much easier for you to begin to open your heart so that you can receive it from another.
And you’re right. No man should be a motivation for a brighter future. The only thing that truly results in transforming ourselves and our lives is actually inspiration, because it’s motivation that comes from within. Bring acceptance to this situation; let go of all of the pain and suffering you’ve been holding on to; and bring love and compassion to yourself. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be on the path to having the love and the life that your heart truly desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 26, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
For the past four weeks, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who acted so serious and told me to stop seeing other guys. He would get mad if he came to my house and I was not around. Two days ago, I checked his phone and found out a girl is presently pregnant by him. I asked him to explain and he said he couldn’t and started blaming me for touching his phone, so I left. He hasn’t called me since I left his house. I won’t call him again, but do you think I did the right thing?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read your email was “What had you want to check his phone?” Could it have been your intuition?
In working with women, I often hear that they feel that they can’t trust their intuition, because “it’s broken.” They refer to examples of times when they were suddenly surprised by infidelity or discovering an addiction or physically abusive tendencies in their boyfriends or husbands, or realizing that they guy just wasn’t the right man for them. Upon speaking with the women a little more at length, we discover that many of the signs had been there all along. They just chose to ignore the red flags so that they wouldn’t have to make the choice to leave. Usually, the choice to ignore red flags and alarms that may be going off is based on fear and not wanting to recognize that the relationship is not really what we want, so that we don’t have to make the choice to walk away.
Here are some questions I invite you to ask yourself so that you can have more clarity about what happened and what it is that you want, moving forward:
- You mentioned that you’ve been in a relationship with this man for four weeks. How long did you date him before you chose to become exclusive?
- Did you give yourself an opportunity to get to know him well before choosing to stop seeing other men?
- How did it make you feel when he got angry if you weren’t home? Did you feel safe? …afraid? Did you take it as a positive sign?
- And, finally, do you want him to call you back knowing that he is about to have a baby with someone else and did not tell you about it? If so, why is that?
There’s nothing “wrong” with him having a baby with someone else if they are no longer together. I think that may have you feeling upset is that he did not tell you about this. Another question you may want to ask yourself is whether a new baby being in the picture is something you feel you are ready and willing to deal with to deal with so this early in a relationship?
You ask whether I think that you did the right thing. If you’re referring to looking through his phone, I have to say “no,” because that was not respectful of his privacy. However, I think the bigger question is why you felt compelled to look through his phone in the first place. That may give you the answer that will make the biggest difference for you, moving forward.
If you’re referring to whether or not you made a good choice by leaving and not calling him back, I do believe that those were good choices you made if you felt unsafe in any way or if the conversation was turning into an argument. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away and take some time to gain clarity about how you feel and what it is you want so that you can make a choice that empowers you and is aligned with what your heart desires.
I invite you to the time to ask yourself the questions above so that you can get the closure you want for yourself. And, of course, free to reach out to me if you’d like some additional support in working through this.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 22, 2013 | breakups, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I dated a man for 7 years before I married him. We had, – or I should say I had – an awful experience with my stepchildren. They kept accusing me of being a gold digger, and not only am I NOT, but I watched the greedy children complain about what they were getting if I married him. We ended up running off and eloped! What a mistake.
It was only days into the marriage and they were walking in our home like they stilled lived there. Borrowing excessive money behind my back and created a wedge by only communicating with their dad and made me feel like an outsider.
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce and a restraining order after multiple abuse and disappearing acts and text messages to old girlfriends. My dilemma is I keep going back and forth about whether he really loved me and, if so, what went wrong and could it have been worked out? I can’t seem to trust anyone! I’m very skeptical of every guy I meet or date, I feel like I never got closure because of the restraining order/no contact order. However, he texted me numerous times, mailed perfume, called my therapist, and challenged boundaries over and over again. The police did nothing but slap his hand. And, as for me, I still feel like I need to tell him off or expose his lies and deceit to the world before I can move on. He betray me in every way and yet painted a picture of how much he loved me to everyone when, in fact, lied about his abuse and cheating on me. I know it takes time, but, sheez, I was made as a fool. I truly believe he’s a narcissist. How do I move on?
I can hear how much pain you feel at having that relationship turn out the way it did and how afraid you are to move forward. Having invested that much time with someone, only to have things not turn out the way you had hoped and dreamed would leave anyone feeling unsure of herself and about what to do to move on.
The first thing I thought of when I read your email was, “How were things during those 7 years of courtship?” Seven years is a very long time to wait to get married and long time for someone to not reveal his true colors.
I’m wondering if there were reasons why it took that long for a commitment to be made, beyond the issues with his children. I also wonder what your relationship with him and his children was like before you both began talking about marriage and how he responded to the way you were treated by them.
Blending a family can have its challenges, and how the couple chooses to address those challenges prior to marriage sets the foundation for what it will be like once they are married.
Did you let him know how much their behavior hurt you? Was he willing to stand up for you? Did he treat you with love and respect in front of them? How did you feel about becoming part of the family? Did you express those feelings purely to him – not telling him what he needed to do about it, but just sharing what you felt and how you would like to feel? And how did he respond to their efforts to ignore and make you feel left out?
I want to clarify that I’m not saying that any of this was your “fault.” I don’t believe that blaming or shaming ourselves serves us in any way. However, in order to truly begin to move forward, it’s important that we are willing to take responsibility for the role that we played in the relationship, looking to see where we were willing to accept things that we knew did not feel right for us, and learning those lessons so that we do not repeat the same behaviors in the future. It’s not “easy” work, to look within, rather than outside of ourselves for the things that didn’t work, but it is an essential to creating new patterns of thought and behavior.
For example, you mention that there were incidents of abuse and infidelity. Were there were signs and red flags regarding his tendencies to hurt and be unfaithful to you?
It’s been my experience in working with women that, when there has been abuse and consistent incidences of infidelity in the marriage, there were actually red flags that were ignored early in the relationship.
Was he prone to getting excessively angry? Did he ever shake or push you or put his hands on you in anger? Were there times when you felt afraid for your safety and later dismissed, excused, or rationalized his behavior and the way you felt? Did you feel emotionally and physically safe when you were with him?
Regarding the infidelity, were there disappearances prior to getting married? Would he drop out of communication for long periods of time? It sounds like you found inappropriate text messages. Did something make you look through his phone to find the text messages?
Usually, when women invest time in looking through their husbands’ or boyfriends’ phones, computers, and electronic accounts, it’s because something in their gut is sending is telling them that there is something going on. Were there signs prior to getting married that he might not be capable of being faithful to you?
Again, please understand that I’m not saying you did anything to deserve any type of unacceptable behavior on his part. It’s just important that you’re willing to see whether there was anything you might have done that sent the message that behavior that hurt, dishonored, or disrespected you was something you would tolerate or excuse.
It’s important that you recognize whether there were signs that were ignored and ways that you justified them so that you can be aware of these in the future and not allow your fears and uncertainty to keep you from being willing to open your heart to a man who will love and cherish you the way you deserve!
It’s also important to remember to have compassion with yourself. I imagine that it can’t be easy for you to have been through everything you’ve gone through. Regardless of whether or not there were signs that were ignored, the fact is that you loved him and you envisioned yourself being loved by him for the rest of your life. Seeing that dream come to an end can’t be an easy reality to deal with, and I hope that you are taking time to really bring love, forgiveness, and compassion to yourself. The truth is that, whatever decisions and choices that were made in the past, they are not predictors of what is possible for you in the future. You are deserving of love, time, attention, loyalty, and intimacy.
If you can own the role you played in your previous relationship, take the lessons from it that will serve you, and bring compassion and love to yourself, you will be on the path to moving beyond this pain and opening your heart again so that you can experience the love you deserve and your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 12, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I recently was the victim of a relationship, that ended after 3 years of me paying all the bills, buying all the food and anything else needed in our home, only to find out the man who I was basically babysitting was Facebooking with a woman from his past and hadn’t seen in over 20 years, on his phone, which I had turned back on for him, and he was telling this other woman they were soulmates! I was crushed, threw him out, and, of course, he owes me money that he promised to pay back! Now I am scared to even think of another relationship! How do I mend me and go on?
Thanks for reaching out with your question. I can hear how hurt and afraid you feel. It sounds like you were giving a lot and not getting much in return over the course of several years. However, I think that seeing yourself as a “victim” is giving him a lot more power than he deserves. You made some choices that you probably won’t choose to make again, but that doesn’t make you his “victim.”
I can understand you being a little weary about getting involved with someone else. You might feel like your intuition is “broken.” But if you’re willing to accept that a lot of what happened in your last relationship was a choice, then you’ll probably see where there were signs all along that he wasn’t the right guy for you. Maybe part of you thought you could help him so he’d be able to put his life together. Maybe part of you thought you could “save” him, or love him enough that he’d change. Whatever the reason, you chose to stay with him, and he ended up hurting you
One of the biggest steps we can take when healing and getting ready to move forward is being willing to look within and see where we played a role in the relationship, what lessons were learned, and then get really clear about what we want to experience in our next relationship.
I always tell my clients that, when we’re willing to take responsibility for the role we’ve played up to this point, we also get to take credit for turning our lives around! So, are you willing to accept that, for whatever reason, you chose to take care of and “babysit” him, even though you weren’t receiving what you wanted out of the relationship? And, if you’ve been beating yourself up about it, can you forgive yourself and just accept that it’s what you chose then, and you probably won’t choose to do that again?
So, I invite you to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, gain power from this experience and trust yourself to make a better choice next time – one that leads you to having the love and happiness you deserve. And, as you do begin to meet new people, check in with yourself and see if you feel you are getting as much attention and affection as you are giving. If you’re not, ask yourself why you are choosing to settle for less than what you want and deserve to experience. And if you are, then open your heart and allow yourself to receive his time, love, and attention freely, knowing that you are getting the you deserve and that your heart desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 9, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating with my boyfriend for 3years and recently I found out that he had some affairs with other girls. When I confronted him, he told me nothing but that he was feeling he needed validation from other people. Then some days later he called me up and ended the relationship saying that he is not ready yet, that I was too good for him now, and that I should give him time to better himself. I felt so bad, so much so, that this situation affected my academics, and now I have been asked to withdraw from my course because I was not able to pass a certain number of papers. I feel so depressed and confused.
I really want to get out of this situation. I have taken sometime to forgive myself and forgive him. I have cut all contacts with him. I just want to be able to focus on what makes me happy right now. Right now I am in a dilemma because I am still not able to figure out what is next. I really need your help because I always find myself hoping things will get better with him someday. I really am myself when I am with him and he is a nice person.
I think that one of the most painful things a person can go through is being betrayed by someone they love. Creating a relationship involves so much vulnerability and the willingness to open our heart to someone, all the while knowing that there are no guarantees and that we might get hurt. Knowing this, however, doesn’t make the pain any less severe when we find that the person has betrayed our trust.
I know you refer to your ex-boyfriend as “a nice person,” and it’s possible that he’s very kind. However, it sounds from your email that there was more than one case of infidelity. So, as nice or kind as he may be, if he’s incapable of being faithful to you, then he simply is not the right guy for you. The truth is that you deserve to be with someone who chooses to be with you and only you.
If your ex had chosen to take responsibility for the infidelity, apologized and promised to be faithful and commit to making the relationship work, I’d tell you that, while it makes the journey a little more difficult once the trust has been broken in the relationship, with support, it is possible to truly forgive, recommit, and make things work.
The fact that he said he needs time to work on bettering himself, that he doesn’t feel you deserve him, and he’s not ready to commit to you right now, while painful to hear, is probably the kindest and most loving thing he could have done. Rather than continue to lie or pretend that he’s in this relationship 100%, he’s choosing to let you go, stop hurting you and, hopefully, focus on himself. This is actually something for which you can be grateful.
I hear you saying that you want to do the same and focus on what makes you happy right now, and that’s exactly what I’d recommend. This is the time to really focus on what you want for yourself and your life. If being in school is something that is important to you and having that career is something you really want, then I’d recommend speaking to whoever you need to speak to regarding what you can do to get back on track. If you haven’t been pampering yourself, taking time to just relax and replenish your heart, body, and spirit, now is the time to begin scheduling those things into your day. If you have girlfriends or family members who will support you in moving forward with your dreams, then surround yourself and spend time with them.
This is the time for you to take responsibility for your own happiness and to really focus on becoming the woman you were created to be. This is what is going to help you feel more confidence, joy, fulfillment, and peace of mind and heart. And it’s also what is going to make you very attractive to the man who is right for you. He will see your joy, confidence, and peace, and will be attracted to you and to the idea of adding to that happiness.
As for your ex and holding onto hope that things will get better, I know it’s difficult, but, if what you want is to experience a relationship where you are loved, honored, and respected, then you’re probably going to need to let go and close this chapter of your life so that you can begin to create the next one.
Trust that everything is happening just as it should. Trust that you found out for a reason and that the relationship ended for a reason. And trust that you can and will have a relationship where the man chooses to love, to commit, and to be with you and only you, because that is what you deserve!
Comments? Questions? Let us know. We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 7, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I had this long distance “relationship”(?) with a man for the past year. We spoke over the phone, having marathon sessions nightly or every other night. 2 hours, 3 hours, it seemed like time disappeared.
I developed a crazy crush (not attractive for a woman over 49) and my heart raced and fluttered when speaking or being with him after about the first 3 weeks. That crush made me speak incessantly (or maybe that’s just me), be giddy and flirty and funny and basically filled with the joy of love.
On two instances he just disappeared and then after a few weeks would come back. At the start of this year, we went 3 months without speaking. No closure, no communication about it. He just disappeared and went silent; no return of voice mails, phone calls, texts…nothing.
Two weeks ago he left me this eloquent (or so I thought?) voice mail that he still loves and cares about me and to call him back if I want. Well, I called him back and he called me back two weeks later and the call went awful. I started off great and then out of my mouth I started rambling, babbling about what I was thinking, how I felt. I believe I told him his actions don’t match his words. How would I know he cares about me? That would be hard to tell…
I haven’t heard from him since.
I really want to reconnect with him. Sometimes I really miss him. I really felt I had a soul connection with this man, yet the heightened crush (which wasn’t even physical) caught me by surprise. I would love to at least to get some closure like two adults instead of beating myself up, feeling like something I did pushed him away, making myself wrong and blaming myself for knowing better than to allow my heightened crush to take my brain away and have me be giddy like a school girl and God knows what else?
Do you recommend I call him? Just leave it? Learn the lesson to be grounded next time? This has caused me such pain and feeling so thrown aside, disregarded, disrespected, and this man does not seem like that kind of man. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive.
It can be really frustrating when we’re getting to know someone and, all of a sudden, he disappears. It’s not that uncommon when dating, because, many times, people are seeing different people at the same time, so it may be that the person starts getting to know someone else with whom he’s exploring the possibility of being in a relationship with, and begin spending more time with her. It’s not “wrong.” Before there’s an actual commitment, it’s perfectly okay to be seeing several people at the same time (Note: I said it’s okay to date several people at the same time, not sleep with a bunch of people at the same time… BIG difference!).
Another theory is that some men, when they begin to feel really close to a woman, tend to pull away for a bit to get clear on what it is that they want. Relationship expert John Gray refers to this as “the rubber band effect,” and he says that, if a man is ready to commit, he’ll snap back stronger and more committed than ever.
From your email, it sounds like he would disappeared on and off throughout your friendship (notice how I did not call it “a relationship,” because, as my sister and business partner, Michelle always says: It isn’t a relationship… until it is).
Even after he reappeared this time, however, he disappeared again after your response and didn’t contact you for another two weeks. Since he’s not the one reaching out for advice or coaching, there’s nothing you can do to control whether or not he calls you or not, and I have no way of knowing why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, I’m not going to focus on him. Instead, I invite you to take a look at yourself and ask yourself whether this is the kind of pattern you’re interested in continuing to allow and experience?
While I can’t be 100% sure from your email, it sounds as if this was the only guy you were getting to know, which means that you weren’t dating other people during the time that the two of you were speaking on the phone. I can tell you really liked him, and that you hoped it would to turn into something more “permanent,” but, when we stop seeing other people before a commitment is made, we cheat ourselves out of possibly allowing someone else – someone equally or even more wonderful – to enter our lives and give us the experience we do want to have in a relationship. That has us get attached to the person and it’s tempting to keep holding on, hoping that he will change, even when we’re unhappy.
You asked whether you should call him, just leave it, or learn the lesson to be grounded next time. My answers: No, yes, and yes.
I wouldn’t recommend calling him. I get that the last conversation you had didn’t go well. It sounds as if it the call was focused on making him “wrong” for not having called you. Granted, anyone would be tempted to find out why someone had just dropped out existence. However, when a guy reaches out again after some time, it’s usually because he’s been procrastinating having that “first call.” Why? Because most guys know it’s probably not going to go well, and they’d rather avoid the situation altogether!
Does that mean you shouldn’t have expressed how you were feeling? Not at all! If you think back and focus on what you were really feeling, chances are that 3 words would have communicated your feelings purely, without making him wrong. They are: I miss you. That’s it. Everything after that would be trying to get him to feel badly about what he did or didn’t do and telling him what he should or shouldn’t have done. All of that can be captured in three other words: nagging and complaining. And, ladies, men do not like, nor are they inspired to change by nagging!
So, my advice is that you let this go. That’s how you’ll get closure for yourself. Holding onto this situation and to him, beating yourself up, hoping that each time the phone rings or an email or text comes in it’s from him is not serving you.
Let it go.
Focus, not only on “the lesson” learned, but on all of the things for which you are grateful as a result of this friendship – all of the things you learned about yourself and what you want to experience in a relationship.
And then, open your heart again to allow the love of someone who is going to treat you with love and tenderness and give you all of the attention that you desire and deserve to come in!
Hope this helps! Let me know!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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