by heartsdesireintl | Mar 10, 2015 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
One of the most common complaints we get from women is that they feel like they don’t know how to communicate with men. This is true for single women, as well as those who are married and in relationships. There is simply a feeling that they are not being heard.
The main problem is usually that the opposite is true.
If you’re like most women, the truth is that you’re probably talking way too much!
Stay with me, here!
As a woman, you use about three times as many words as most men in a single day. You have the unique ability to be able to have a thought, connect a feeling to it, and connect that thought and feelings with words. And then you have the uncanny ability to speak those words – sometimes over, and over, and over again.
Usually, the over-talking comes from fear.
Fear that you won’t get what we want.
Fear that you’ll upset the other person.
Fear that you have to somehow justify why you want you want.
When those fears get in the way during conversations, over-talking is used as a way to try to convince the other person to agree with you, to pacify the other person, or to make a case for why what you want is important or necessary.
The problem is that, when you begin to talk too much, a man simply can’t hear what you are saying.
The desire, feeling, or need gets buried under a mountain of words, reasons, excuses, and justifications.
In order for him to get the point of what you are saying, your man needs to dig himself out from under all of that, which can feel overwhelming. Hence, the “glazed-over stare”!
If he feels like he is being pressured or manipulated into agreeing with something, he will resist, which will have him automatically get on the defensive. Now, you’ve become “the enemy.”
If he feels as if he’s being disrespected in any way, he’ll withdraw or completely shut down. Welcome to the cold shoulder or silent treatment.
In any of these cases, no matter how much you talk, he won’t hear you.
In fact, the more you talk, the less likely he is to hear you, because he’ll either be overwhelmed and unable to hear you, on-guard and only interested in defending himself, or shut down and disconnected from you.
Either way, you’re not getting what you want in that conversation: Connection
So, how can you speak in way where you can say what you want to say and have him hear you?
- Get Clear. If you know that you tend to get wordy or long-winded you speak, make sure you’re clear about what you want to say. Talk it out with a friend before you bring it to him. If you have no one to talk to at the moment, speak it into your phone and record yourself, then listen to the recording. This way, you can hear what it’s like to be on the receiving end of what you are planning to say. (This can be such an eye-opener!)
- Keep it Simple. Once you’re clear about what you want to say, see if you can get it down to a 3-5 word sentence. If you can’t, consider you’re trying to say too much. Also, avoid adding reasons and justifications to what you are sharing. Keeping the message simple not only helps you feel clear about what you’re saying, but allows him to hear you more clearly.
- Take a Breath. Once you’ve clearly and succinctly said what you want to say, take a breath and stop talking. If you know that’s hard for you to do, take a breath and drink some water or put some food in your mouth! I know it sounds funny, but you’re going to have to train yourself to trust that once you’ve said what you want to say clearly, he’s heard you.
- Listen. If he chooses to respond, listen to what he says without interrupting, contradicting, or defending your position. Give him an opportunity to respond and say what he thinks. Remember, he may not agree. That doesn’t mean he didn’t hear you. It just means he has a different opinion or feeling about it. Just listen to what he’s saying.
- Allow there to be spaces of silence. There may be times when he doesn’t immediately respond to what you’ve said. Respect the silence and don’t make it mean that something is “wrong.” Men don’t have the same ability we have to almost immediately connect thoughts to feelings and words. Their brains work differently and, many times, they need more time to process what’s been said. And, as I tell my clients: He can’t hear his thoughts if he’s only hearing yours!
Communication in any relationship is critical, but this doesn’t only refer to the “talking” part of the equation.
So, the next time you’re going to speak with a man, remember to get clear about what you want to say, say it simply and clearly, then take a breath and listen. I promise it will feel like a whole new experience that will lead to a lot more closeness and connection!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 6, 2015 | Coaching, Communication, Dating, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
The other day I shared with you one of “The 3 P’s” most important to a man: Providing for the woman he loves.
Today I’d like to focus on the second “P”: Protecting the woman he loves.
It may seem a little old-fashioned to think that a man feels that he needs to “protect” the woman he loves. After all, we women have become very independent and self-sufficient, and we can take care of ourselves – physically, emotionally, and financially.
However, when you think back to the beginning of time, men were the providers and protectors. If they didn’t protect the tribe, people died. It was just that simple.
That need to feel like he’s capable of protecting you from harm is inherent in a man. When he has the experience that he’s not able to prevent something bad from happening to you, he may very well react with what appears to be anger. And, in the moment, it may seem like that anger is directed at you.
I remember one day I was sharing with my husband about a business deal. I had shared an idea and made a verbal agreement with someone about a program that we were going to partner together to create and launch. Eventually, it turned out that the person went ahead with the idea without me and offered me a role in the project, but not a full partnership. I, of course, was disappointed and hurt, and shared these feelings with my husband. I shared that I still wanted to be part of the project, because I believed in it, but I was very hurt that I had been informed about the change in plans after the fact.
All of a sudden, I felt like I was being “attacked.” Instead of comforting and encouraging me, he began yelling and telling me that I would be a fool to continue working with this person who obviously took an idea we had brainstormed together and ran with it on her own, without discussing anything with me. He kept getting louder and angrier, and I was completely confused and felt as if he was rubbing salt in my wounds.
Rather than say something I would regret, I went upstairs and laid in my chaise lounge chair, crying. On top of being hurt, I was angry! Why was he taking this out on me?
Then I asked myself a question that has helped me to move from anger to understanding in the past.
What would have him say something like that to me?
See, my husband loves me, and I know that he wants to protect me from harm, not cause me harm. As soon as I asked myself that question (What would have him say something like that to me?”), I was able to see it as clear as day: He was trying to protect me!
See, in my husband’s eyes, someone had let me down, hurt me, cost me what could have been a great financial opportunity, and left me out of a partnership I had been so excited about being a part of.
However, worse than all of that, there was nothing he could do to prevent or “fix” it for me.
He felt helpless because he didn’t and couldn’t protect me!
After I moved from anger to compassion, I then moved into a space of gratitude!
I was so grateful that my husband was so loving and protective – even if he didn’t express it the way I would express it.
I walked downstairs, stood behind the couch he was sitting on, leaned down, and whispered in his ear, “I get it. You’re upset because you want to protect me from being hurt or taken advantage of. Thank you for your love.”
He turned around and looked me in the eye. I don’t know if it was shock and awe at the fact that I’d figured it out, or just plain and simple relief that I got what he’d been trying to express, but I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. He just said, “I am upset. I love you and don’t like seeing you sad or hurt.”
I walked around the couch, sat next to him, and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck and cried a little bit more.
Nothing had been resolved, but I felt loved, protected and at peace, no matter what ended up happening with the business project! I had my hero next to me, and, right then and there, that was all that really mattered!
Think about it:
Has there been a time when you felt like your husband or boyfriend wasn’t being supportive of your dream or idea?
Consider that he wants more than anything to see you realize your dream and be happy, and is afraid you’ll be disappointed if your idea fails. And, because there’s nothing he can do to stop that from happening, he tries to discourage you from getting your hopes too high.
Has there been a time when he’s gotten angry at you for being friends with or associating with someone who has hurt or disappointed you in the past?
Consider that he hates seeing you sad and upset, so he gets angry, and directs that anger at you, because he’s afraid you’ll get hurt and disappointed again. And, because there isn’t much he can do to prevent that from happening, he tries pointing out how foolish it is to trust someone who was capable of hurting or lying to you in the first place.
Regardless of what your specific situation is, if you can try to listen for the love behind the words of anger, it’s very possible that you will also hear his his desire to keep you safe.
While you may not understand his approach, if you can listen for and hear his love and concern and his desire to protect you, you, too, will be able to move from upset, to compassion, to gratitude that you have a man at your side who wants nothing more than to be your hero!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Feb 3, 2015 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend Michelle and I participated in and spoke at the Desire to Rise event. It was an absolutely inspiring event focused on realizing our visions in 2015! We had the privilege of inspiring the audience to create and realize their visions for love by creating a Love Resolution for 2015!
Michelle and I are used to speaking to audiences made up predominantly of women, but, every once in a while, men will participate in our presentations, and we absolutely love it!
It’s always so heartwarming to see just how committed men are to creating loving relationships, too! In fact, the men in the room this time participated fully in our session, including holding hot pink paper links symbolizing the past fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that had been blocking love from entering their hearts right along with all of the women and they came up to us after the session to thank us and tell us how much they got out of it! It was awesome!
Another reason we love having men in the audience is because there is nothing quite as affirming as having the men nodding their heads in agreement when we talk about the three things that are most important to them in a relationship. We call these “The 3 P’s”: To Provide for, Protect, and Please the women they love.
These are a man’s greatest desires when it comes to being in a relationship.
Because each of them is so important, we’ll focus on just one of them today and I’ll write more about the other two in subsequent posts.
A man wants to know that he is capable of providing for and taking care of the woman he loves.
Now, this doesn’t always mean that he’s the primary bread winner. It means that he’s able to contribute to her well-being in some way. For some men, that will mean providing for his beloved financially – whether that means being the one who works in the home, making more money than she does, or contributing to the finances in some way. For others it could mean that he holds down the fort and provides support for her in pursuing her dreams. For others it means that he cares for her needs in other ways. And some of us are blessed enough to have a man who does all of the above!
The point is that a man needs to know and feel like he’s needed. If he doesn’t, he either withdraws to avoid feeling incompetent or rejected, or he begins to depend on the woman, which can then lead to resentment on both sides of the relationship.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re not feeling like you’re being cared and provided for, I invite you to look to see where you may be preventing that from happening.
Are you the one doing everything in the relationship – from earning the money, to taking care of the household, to basically doing anything and everything that requires decision making and action taking?
Are you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because you feel like you are doing it ALL with very little help?
Are you beginning to feel resentful about this, and, rather than admitting you need help, you’re continuing to plow along, getting everything done and resenting your man for not offering to help?
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, it’s time to take a step back and provide room for him to step up.
Now, allowing a man to provide and care for you does not mean that you are incapable of doing and caring for yourself. Of course you can! The thing is that, if doing everything is causing you to resent him and is creating distance in your relationship, you want to ask yourself what’s more important – doing everything yourself to prove that you can, or allowing for the possibility of not having to do everything yourself all of the time and feeling loved and cared for in the process?
Instead of running yourself ragged, denying him the pleasure of providing for you, and causing a rift in your relationship, follow these steps:
- Take a breath, step back, and simply admit that you could use some help. The words, “I need help” are like a flare in the sky for a man! They signal that there is something he can do for the women he loves! Men want to help. They want to know that there’s a purpose for them being there. I know you may be skeptical. I know I was. My biggest complaint was that my husband never helped me and I felt like “the single married mom.” However, when I started saying, “I need help,” I saw just how important it was to my husband to know that he was capable of providing for me! So, even if you’re skeptical right now, I challenge you: Just try it!
- When he asks what you need help with, share what it is without complaining or over-exaggerating the need. Once you say, “I need help,” most men will ask you what you need help with. When he does simply share what it is you need help with. At this point, avoid complaining (either verbally or in your mind) about his lack of help, your exhaustion, and the unfairness of it all when you express your need for help. That is just going to cause resistance on his part and will probably lead to yet another argument, so you want to avoid complaining and nagging at all costs.
Instead, you can say something like, “I need help moving these boxes,” “I need help organizing these receipts for the taxes,” “I need help putting away the dishes.” Keep it short and simple, and then stop talking.
- Avoid attaching any expectations to what the help “should” look like. Once he offers to help, step back and allow him to do it in his way and time frame. Don’t check up on, remind, or hint at what he should/could be doing. Just move right along to something else. Many times, we sabotage ourselves from being provided for by jumping in to “help” or make things easier for our men. That has to do with our own feelings of self-worth and thinking that we’re somehow“ burdening” them. Just step back and allow yourself to receive the help. It may feel weird at first, but I promise, you’ll grow used to it!
- Let him know you noticed and appreciate his help. Once he’s done whatever he’s done to help, let him know you noticed and appreciate his help! Many times women will withhold the appreciation because they don’t want to feel as if the man did them any favors. Well… first of all, he did do you a favor by helping, and, secondly, it’s important to keep in mind that his desire to feel like he can provide for you is closely followed by his need to feel appreciated. The more you let him know that you need and appreciate him and his help, the more likely he is to begin offering to provide for you! It’s a real win-win situation!
I know it may seem strange and out of character for you to admit that you could use some help, especially if you’re used to taking care of things on your own. I remember wondering if I was “dumbing down” or pretending that I wasn’t capable of doing something. I was afraid I would seem weak.
What I found out, however, is that allowing my husband to help and provide for me made me feel loved and cherished. Seeing how much he wanted to help me really did make me appreciate him even more. That inspired more gratitude and tenderness from me, which only ignited his desire to continue doing things for me that caused that reaction. As I said above, it truly is a real win-win combination.
So, go ahead and try it, and let me know what begins to open up for you in the comments below!
We’ll focus on a man’s desire to protect the woman he loves in the next post! See you then!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 22, 2015 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship, Relationship Advice, Success, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
I have been thinking about you non-stop for the past few days, so I took a few moments to shoot this quick video!
It includes an exciting announcement and a quick training on what you can do to be UNreasonable and stop letting your reasons stand you in your way of experiencing the life and love your heart desires!
This is powerful, life-changing information!
Just click the image below and create a breakthrough in your life TODAY!
If you want different results, need to break through your resistance, your reasons, and excuses!
Let the message of this video really speak to you and then take action today!
Then email me and let me know which action you are taking today!
ONLY 4 SEATS LEFT!
Join us for the 2015 Love Resolution Workshop and begin making 2015 The Year of Love and Dreams Come True for YOU!
There are only 4 seats left, so be UNreasonable and claim YOUR seat NOW!
by heartsdesireintl | Jan 6, 2015 | Coaching, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Success
by Gladys Diaz
If your inbox is anything like mine, you have been flooded with emails and videos over the past few days about how to make 2015 your year!
I don’t know how you’ve been receiving the messages, but each time I receive one of them, I affirm, “Yes, it is! My dreams are coming true!”
Did you notice how I stated those affirmations using positive words and in present tense?
Those are just two of the keys to anchoring a statement regarding a goal, dream, or resolution so that you are already living into making it come true!
Click on the image below to watch a video Michelle shot for you from one of her dreams come true and read on to learn more about the keys to making a goal or resolution a reality!
Key #1: State your goal, dream, or resolution using positive words.
Did you notice how Michelle said, “Someday I’m gonna’ come back”?
She didn’t say, “Someday I hope I can come back,” or “I wish I could come back someday.” She said, “I’m gonna’ come back!” And that’s exactly what she did!
When we state a goal, resolution or affirmation using positive words – words that focus on what we do want, rather than on what we don’t want or are afraid might happen or not happen, our mind grabs onto, or “anchors,” that statement and translates it into a command.
See, your brain believes what you tell it to believe. If you continuously feed it fears, doubts, limiting beliefs, resentments and regrets, that’s what it will grab onto and make happen. It’s why you may be wondering why it is that certain people and situations keep showing up and repeating themselves in your life.
Making a dream or a resolution a reality begins with believing that it can happen. And, sometimes, that means repeating the statement over and over again until you actually begin to believe what you keep telling yourself.
Key #2: State your goal, dream, or resolution in the present tense, as if it is already happening!
Rather than saying, “Maybe one day I will find someone and have a good relationship” declare what will happen: “Someday, I will have the relationship of my dreams!”
Want to make your statement even more powerful? State it as if it is already happening: I am creating the relationship of my dreams!
This may seem “woo-woo,” like wishful thinking, or as if you are lying to yourself…
Let me be clear.
When you are telling yourself things like, “There is something wrong with me,” or “Maybe I’m just not meant to be in a happy relationship,” or “There’s no way this relationship will ever get better,” you are lying to yourself!
And, what’s worse, not only are you affirming what you don’t want, but you are believing it!
Retraining your brain to create, declare, and manifest what you want takes some “rewiring,” but it’s not that difficult to do, once you know the steps to take.
These are just 2 of the keys you’ll learn about on how to manifest your goals and resolutions during the 2015 Love Resolution Workshop we’ll be hosting on January 24, 2015, and it’s why we want you to join us!
You’ll also learn other keys, such as how to create a vision of what you want your love life to be like and how to plan for success, so that you are living your resolution every day of 2015!
This will be a wonderful, life-changing experience, and we can’t wait to share it with you!
Just click here to register now!
We are close to being sold out and we don’t want you to miss out, so register now and then check your email for important information regarding the event!
One of our goals for 2015 is:
We are helping thousands of women around the world attract, create, and experience the life and love their hearts desire!
And we want you to be part of us making that resolution a reality!
Register now and let us know that you’re going to be part of us realizing our resolution!
Can’t wait to see you there!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Dec 18, 2014 | Dating, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Self-Love, Uncategorized
by Gladys Diaz
During the next few weeks, many of us will be celebrating a variety of different holidays. This time of the year can be very stressful if we are not intentional about handling all of the events, tasks, and celebrations with love. grace, and ease!
Since I don’t want to add too much more to your “Holiday To-Do List,” I came up with a short-but-sweet list of things you can do to get through the holidays feeling love, peace, and joy! Whether you are single or in a relationship, you’ll want to have this list handy during the next few weeks!
If You’re Single During the Holidays…
The holidays can feel especially lonely, if you don’t have someone special to share them with. It can seem like everyone else has someone to cuddle and laugh with. You may be attending parties and events where there are couples and not too many (if any) singles present, and you may hear that ever-dreaded question about when you plan to settle down, get married, and start a family!
If you’re single during the holidays, here are some things that can help you get through them with hope and a smile!
- Accept as many invitations as possible for dates, holiday parties and social events. While what you really want is to share these days with that someone special, it’s helpful to surround yourself with family and friends who make you smile and bring out the best in you. Plus, you never know who you are going to meet at your cousin’s tacky sweater party or the last-minute holiday work party you were invited to. Resist the urge to want to be alone (unless you need to take a break), and accept as many invitations as possible. This goes for dates, too! Some people are “selective” about who they will see and spend time with during the holidays. While you may not want to bring someone you don’t know very well to your family gathering, going to a party or put to dinner is a great way to have fun and get to know someone new! (Plus, as I said before… you never know!)
- Plan some girls’ nights out with your friends. Aside from attending events solo or with a date, be intentional about spending time with your girlfriends. Whether they are single or in relationships, I promise you that everyone wants to disconnect and just have fun for the sake of having fun! Don’t wait until the last minute, since it may take some creative thinking to have everyone arrange their schedules. Also, let your friends know that this is your way of creating a new holiday tradition that is stress-free, feminine, and fun!
If You’re in a Relationship During the Holidays…
Sharing the holidays with someone is nice, but it can also bring about feelings of stress, especially if you’re trying to create time to spend with two families! It can be even more stressful if you are not close to or don’t have a great relationship with your partner’s family.
If you are married or in a relationship during the holidays, here are some things that can help you get through them feeling closer to your partner!
- Remember that your partner may want to be with his family just as much as you’d like to be with yours. It can be tricky to fit in time to be with both families over a short amount of time, especially if one or both families don’t live in your city or the same city. Create a plan together, but, rather than telling him what you “should do,” let him know what you would like to do and then ask him what he’d like to do. See if there is a way to create a win-win situation. If in-person visiting isn’t possible, then plan a video chat family reunion, where you can all share some treats as you speak over Skype or Facetime. Block out enough time so that no one feels rushed and you can really connect with one another. If you’ve sent and received gifts from distant family members, plan to open them when you’re on camera so that you can enjoy the moment together!
- Remember to share some “couple time.” Let’s be honest. Being with family and in-laws can be really stressful. Make some time to disconnect from the crowd and just share some alone time with your partner. If you’re visiting with or having family visit you, consider that you may have some readily available babysitters to watch the kids or pets so that the two of you can sneak away for a romantic walk or dinner! Plan your time for when the kids will be sleeping so that you don’t have rush back and you can stay out as long as you like with your honey!
Whether You Are Single or In a Relationship.
- Remember to put yourself at the top of your holiday list. Take time to practice self-care by scheduling time to relax and replenish your mind, body, and soul. Yes, it’s the season for giving, but you need to give to yourself, too. If you are going to be traveling to visit family members, bring some of your favorite books and music with you, and see if there is a gym nearby where you can exercise to get some of those endorphins moving! This also gives you a reason to spend some time alone, especially if being with family is becoming a bit too much to handle (Don’t feel guilty… We all have that one – or two, or three – family member we need a time out from!) Also remember to ask for help if you need it. This will help you feel more grateful and less exhausted (and resentful), and gives others a chance to do something for you, too!
- Be Present. Getting caught up in all of the activities, visits, and shopping can actually rob you of actually BEing with your loved ones. If you’re hosting the holiday get-together, don’t worry about planning out every single moment of the day. Allow for everyone (including yourself) to have some downtime. As you’re sitting around the table, take a moment to really look at and appreciate each person in the room. If you find yourself getting irritable or feeling exhausted, take a time out so that you can recharge (see the tip above) and so that you can really BE with the people you love!
- Begin thinking about what you’d like your love life and relationship to look like in 2015. As we begin to close out this year and move into next year, take a moment to take inventory of your love life.
If you’re single, ask yourself –
- What do I want my experience of dating to be like?
- What do I want the experience of being in a relationship to be like?
- What kind of girlfriend do I want to be?
- When I take a moment to stop and reflect on December 31st next year, how will I describe myself and my love life/relationship?
If you’re married or in a relationship, ask yourself –
- What do I want the experience of being in a relationship to be like?
- What do I want to see more/less of in my relationship?
- When I take a moment to stop and reflect December 31st next year, how will I describe myself and my relationship?
