Recently, I was working with a client who was frustrated about the fact that her long-term boyfriend had not proposed. Who can blame her? When you invest a lot of time – months, years, sometimes decades – to a relationship and it doesn’t seem to be moving forward or to be working out, it’s not unusual to begin to feel angry and resentful toward the other person. And it’s tempting to begin to blame him for the choice you made to stay in the relationship.
While it’s possible that promises were made that had you continue to stay in the relationship – such as him promising that he would propose, and it never happened – the choice to stay inside of a dead-end relationship is completely yours. You get to decide just how long you are willing to wait. And you also are the one who decides how long you are willing to put your dreams, your happiness, and your life on hold, waiting for him to pop the question.
I’m not saying that it’s “easy” to walk away from a relationship, especially if you really love the person. It’s going to take courage to stand for yourself and your dreams. But if you won’t stand for your dreams, who will?
One mistake women make is to begin to dish out ultimatums, such as: “If you want to be with me, then you need to propose and give me a ring.”
“If you want us to be together, then we have to go to counseling.”
“If you want us to get back together, then _____.”
The problem with issuing ultimatums is that they suck the love, romance, and joy right out of the proposal. Think about it this way: Do you want him to propose because he feels he has to, or because he can’t imagine living his life without you in it?
Issuing ultimatums backs the other person into a corner, and, even if you do get the proposal you want, you will never truly know for sure whether he is marrying you because he really wants to.
And, by the way, this holds true for situations other than proposals. If you’re trying to get your husband to help you around the house, take you on a vacation, or start a family, and you’re doing that by threatening to leave him, giving him the silent treatment, or withholding sex, you may get what you want, but I promise it won’t be as fulfilling as if you knew that he was doing these things because he wants nothing more than to see you happy.
So, what are the alternatives to issuing ultimatums?
Be clear about what you want. Once you know what it is you want, it’s easy to communicate that to you partner. Let your partner know that you love him and that, for you to be truly happy, you need to be married. Let him know that while you would love to spend your life with him, you know that may not be what he wants, but that it is what you want. Then stop talking. If you don’t, it highly likely that you will slip “convincing mode,” and there will be a temptation to start getting emotional and angry, and issue an ultimatum.
Realize that he may not want what you want. Just because you want to be married doesn’t mean that he wants that, too. If you’re with a man who loves and wants to take care of you, there’s a high probability that he’ll want to do what he can to please you and that he wants to spend his life with you. But there’s also a chance that he may want something different, and that doesn’t mean that either one of you is right or wrong. You simply want something different.
Know when it’s time for you to let go.Before you have this conversation, know how much longer you’re willing to stay in the relationship before moving on. However, don’t share this time frame with him, because then you’ve created a deadline, which means you just issued an ultimatum. This is your timeline for yourself.
Once you’ve expressed that you would like to be married without issuing an ultimatum, if there’s still no movement toward marriage after the amount of time that feels right for you, you’re going to have to be courageous enough to let go. This means it’s time stop putting your life and your happiness on hold, time to move on, and make space for the man who is going to want to commit to spending the rest of his life with you. This does not diminish or lessen any of the love that the two of you shared. You are simply choosing to stand for your happiness and create space for what you want to come into your life.
In case you’re wondering whether or not this really works. Remember the client I mentioned at the beginning of the post?
After a few coaching sessions, she had the conversation I described above with her boyfriend. She waited the amount of time she’d decided she was willing to wait making sure not to keep bringing it up, hinting, or reminding him. What happened? Right before her time frame was up, she got the proposal she had been waiting on for years!
They were married last week and she gets to live the rest of her life knowing that he asked her to marry him because he wanted to, and not because she forced him to!
Here’s to youliving the life and love your heart desires!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below. We love hearing from you!
Have you ever felt like you are “stuck” in a particular pattern in dating and relationships?
Perhaps you feel like you keep attracting the same type of man into your life. Perhaps you feel like, no matter who you are in relationship with, the same types of issues and arguments seem to come up. Maybe you’re in a dead-end relationship that is going nowhere. Or maybe you feel like you and your partner have pulled so far away from one another there’s just no turning back to the way things used to be when you first fell in love.
Regardless of your particular situation, you probably agree that feeling “stuck” can feel be exhausting and depressing. Being inside of that type of dynamic can feel like it’s no use to try to improve or change things – that what you are experiencing is probably as good as it’s going to get.
The problem with this type of thinking is that it is precisely what is keeping you stuck! The thought that there is nothing you can do to create a shift in yourself that would lead to create a different result is simply born out of fear. Fear of being disappointed.
Let’s say, for example, you continue attracting men who are unavailable. Perhaps the men you tend to attract are either married, in a relationship with someone else, or they’ve been “getting divorced” for some while now. If this happens often enough, you might begin to believe that you’re destined to be alone, that there are no good men out there who are capable of being faithful, and that you will never be able to attract a man with whom you can create a loving, intimate relationship.
Or maybe you are in a long-term relationship where your partner will not take the steps to move the relationship to a more committed level or will not propose. To stay in that relationship, despite the fact that you know how much you want to be married and then blameor make him responsible for not having that in your life that is not only unfair to him (because you are making him responsible for your happiness), but it is unfair to you, because you are cheating yourself out of the opportunity to meet a man who is ready to commit to you forever.
Until you identify and let go of the fears that are creating this situation situation and making you feel like you are stuck there, you will continue to either repeat the same patterns and heartaches over and over again.
While it can feel terrifying sometimes to make a change, you need to ask yourself just how much longer you are willing to suffer the same consequences before you are ready to stand up for yourself and what you want.
The truth is that no one else is going to stand for you until you choose to stand for yourself. You teach people how to treat you. So, when you accept disrespectful or dishonoring behaviors, or settle for less than what you want or deserve, and you don’t put your own happiness and well-being first, then you cannot expect someone else to make you or your happiness a priority. The love you long to experience begins with loving yourself first.
This is why Michelle and I are hosting a 60-minute Q&A session this Wednesday at 9:00pm ET. On this call we will be answering your questions about how you can begin letting go of the patterns and behaviors that are keeping you stuck in your very “uncomfortable comfort zone” so that you can begin to attract the type of love you desire and deserve NOW!
To participate in the call, fill in the registration form on our Events page and we’ll send you an email with the call-in details. If you would like your question answered on the call, simply type in your question in the box provided on the form.
We will be reading and answering your questions LIVE on the call! Please note that you must be on the line in order for us to answer your question during the call. If you’d like to remain anonymous, just let us know what you’d like to be called on the call when you submit your question.
Keep in mind that we are probably going to get a lot of questions, so make sure to send yours in right away!
This is a great opportunity for you to receive coaching from us and to finally break free of the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that have been holding you back and blocking you from attracting the love you want! You’ll also be able to benefit from listening to the coaching other women receive!
Again, the call will be on Wednesday, January 29th, at 9:00pm ET.
Remember to register and send us your question right away!
We look forward to speaking with you on Wednesday night!
As the end of the year fast-approaches, it’s easy to feel either really excited or upset. If this year has been one where you have realized a lot of the goals you set out to accomplish at the beginning of the year, it can be exciting to look back and see how far you’ve come and look forward to setting new goals that take you even further in the upcoming year.
If you haven’t done many (or any) of the things you committed to doing at the beginning of the year, then it can be a depressing, and you may think that there’s nothing you can do in just two short weeks. This thought process can stop you from wanting to set goals – or dream new dreams – in the upcoming year.
That’s where you’d be wrong!
Think about it. How many times in your life have you stopped yourself just short of reaching a goal or making a dream come true because you were afraid that it’s too late? That you blew it? That nothing is going change, anyway?
All of these thoughts are just your brain’s way of doing its job to protect you. What is it protecting you from? From your fear of being hurt and disappointed. And nowhere does this fear show up more than when it comes to the area of love and relationships!
The fear stems from the deep-rooted belief that, while true love may exist, it doesn’t really exist for you.
I don’t often use the word “wrong,” but I have to use it for a second time in this message, especially when it comes to this point!
The truth is that you were created to love and be loved.
You were not created, not to spend your life alone or feeling unhappy inside of a relationship.
You were created with the primary purpose of living, giving, and experiencing love!
It’s your birthright.
You are notthe one person on the planet who was created without that intention.
So, why is it so difficult for you to believe that?
Probably because somewhere in your past – whether it was recently or very long ago – you had the experience of feeling unloved.
So you made a decision.
You decided that you didn’t deserve love. And you may have even decided that you did deserve the pain you were experiencing.
Inside of that decision, it becomes difficult – almost impossible – for you to ever allow another person to get that close and risk allowing someone else to have that much ability to ever hurt you ever again.
It also becomes very easy to associate love with pain, disappointment, and “suffering,” which could lead to you attracting one heartache after another into your life.
Either way, the result is the same: You block love.
You resist love. Even when the possibility of having a healthy, happy, intimate relationship presents itself, you won’t see it. You won’t allow yourself to see it.
So, what can you do to begin letting love into your heart?
Accept that you deserve love. This isn’t about “fooling yourself” or telling yourself something to make yourself feel better. It’s about really embracing and accepting the idea that you are love-able: able to love and be loved.
Release the past so that you can create a new future. The stronger you hold on to that pain and disappointment from the past, the thicker the wall between you and experiencing the love you deserve becomes. It can be scary to let go of the past, simply because you’d have to acknowledge that whatever happened alreadyhappened and is no longer happening. And you’d have to have the courage to accept that something new – something different – is possible for you!
If either (or both) of the two points above feel almost impossible for you, then reach out for help. You are not in this alone and you don’t have to do it alone. Being vulnerable enough to reach out for help is not a sign of weakness.
Reaching out for help is a sign of strength – the type of strength that it takes to transform yourself and your life so that you can finally begin to experience the love and dreams you’ve been longing for.
I think that it goes without saying that we’re here to help you, if you are ready to shed the layers of pain, fear and doubt, and begin working with someone who has not only been where you are, but who has made it to the other side!
Michelle and I have overcome so much throughout our lives – neglect, poverty, infidelity, divorce, and the loss of a spouse. And, yet, in spite of those odds, we’ve figured out how to create the type of relationships that once existed only in our dreams! That’s because we don’t just talk or coach about how to attract and create a great relationship “in theory.” We live what we teach in our lives and our relationships each and every day! And we’d love for you to have that same type of experience in your own life!
So, whether you are single or already in a relationship, if you’re ready to begin working with a coach who can help you create your dream relationship, set up a time to speak with one of us. We have a few appointment times available around the holidays, and we’d love to save one for you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
When working with clients, there are sometimes “themes” that come up during our conversations. What’s interesting about this is that the ladies are all different ages, in different stages of life and relationships – single, dating, in a committed relationship, or married – and living in different parts of the world. Yet, during our sessions these recurring themes begin to emerge.
One theme that has come up recently is that of wanting to know how things are going to turn out.
Whether you’re a single woman who is wary about going on a second date with the man you met online because you’re not sure if it’s going to work out, or you’re in a long-term relationship and wondering if he will eventually ask you to marry him, or you’re ready to make changes in yourself because you wants to transform the relationship you have with your husband, you’re probably asking yourself the same question:
How do I know if things are going to work out?
If you’ve asked yourself that question, know that there’s actually a fear behind it:
The fear that it won’t work out the way you hope it will.
See, every time you go out on another date or you’re with your boyfriend, wondering if he’s going to propose, you’re hoping that this is it. That you’ve finally met the one with whom you’ll share your life.
And, inside, you’re terrified that he might not be.
If you’re in a relationship or married, and you’ve finally come to the point where you realize that if there is going to be a change in this relationship, it’s going to start with you and the way you choose to treat and respond to your man, you’re also hoping that all of these changes you’re making will lead you back to that happy place you once knew together.
And, inside, you’re terrified that they won’t.
The first thing to realize is that the fear that you are feeling is normal.
When it comes to love and relationships, there simply are no guarantees.
Opening your heart to another human being, who, by the way, has his own hopes, fears, and insecurities, means being willing to take the risk that things might not turn out the way you hope they will.
The other side of that coin is that, when you are vulnerable and courageous enough to, for example, go out on one more date, let him know that you want to be married, and to show him that you’re committed enough to your marriage to do whatever is within your realm of control to make things better, there is that beautiful possibility that you will actually experience the love and happiness your heart desires!
The thing is that you’ve got to be willing to take that chance.
Yes, it can be scary.
And, no, I can’t predict that everything will work out exactly the way you want it to.
But I can promise you one thing:
The only way for there to even be a chance of experiencing the love and relationship of your dreams is to be willing to open your heart and mind up to that possibility and then taking the steps that lead you in that direction!
So, what is one step you’ve been afraid to take in your love life or relationship?
And are you willing to be courageous enough to take it and see what’s possible?
If so, leave a comment below and let me know what it is and how I might be able to support you!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Last week in the U.S., as you probably know, we celebrated one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving. For a few days, there was a collective focus on the act of taking stock of our blessings and giving thanks for them. Whether or not Thanksgiving is a holiday you celebrate, I hope you took time to think, write about, and/or verbally express thanks for the people, things, and experiences with which you are blessed.
And, while the holiday is officially over, the act of giving thanks is something you can do every day! In giving thanks regularly, you have the power to shift your state of being from one of feeling upset, sad, and disappointed to that feeling happy, fulfilled, and blessed.
It may difficult to believe that something that simple could have the power to transform the way you experience your life, health, wealth, and relationships, but it’s absolutely true!
Last week, I wrote an article about The Transformational Power of Gratitude. Earlier that day, I had the privilege of doing an interview with Michelle Richards-Phillips of GeTVisioned TV to talk about how gratitude can help create more love and peace in our lives and relationships. Of course, I threw in some other dating and relationship tips, as well! This was probably one of my favorite interviews, as I felt such a connection with Michelle as we spoke!
Several of the people who have viewed the episode have let us know that they took on the Gratitude Challenge we gave at the end of the interview and what a difference it is making for them! People are not only experiencing a feeling of gratitude in their lives, but relationships with spouses and family members are being restored!
I hope you’ll take the challenge, too, and experience the transformational power of gratitude in your own life! Click below to watch the episode, and let us know if you’re going to take the Gratitude Challenge, too!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
There are few practices in life that are as transformational as that of giving thanks. There is something miraculous that happens when you make the choice to take your focus off of everything you don’t have, don’t have enough of, or that seems to be “wrong” in your life and shift to making the conscious choice to feel and express gratitude for what you do have. This is especially true when it comes to love and relationships.
There is a quote by Taneo Sands Kumalae that says,
“Energy flows where attention goes.”
There is nothing that can kill love and intimacy more quickly than criticism and sending the message to the other person that he is not doing “enough” to please you. Telling a man he doesn’t call often enough, that he “never” takes you out anymore, or that he’s “always” thinking about himself does not inspire him to want to call, spend time with, or think of you more often. In fact, you’ll probably find that this type of communication will backfire, having him pull away even more.
On the other hand, when you choose to shed light on the things that you like, enjoy, and appreciate – the little things, the big things, and everything in between – chances are very high that the man you are with is going to want to give you even more of that? Why?
Well, it’s pretty simple. If you’re with a good man, one thing is certain: He wants to please you. And letting him know what he’s done to please you will make him want to do that more often!
See, not only does he love seeing that smile on your face, but he absolutely loves knowing that he had something to do with it!
So, the more you often you let him know that you noticed what he did and that you appreciate it, the more often he will want to create that feeling for both of you again, which means you both win!
Now, I’m not talking about simply expressing thanks in order to “get him” to do things for you. That is manipulative and controlling and totally goes against what we teach about how to create a loving, intimate relationship. This is about really allowing yourself to notice what he’s done, feel the gratitude, and then express it to him.
As with most of the things we teach, this takes some level of vulnerability, because you’re letting him know he made a difference for you. This practice can be easy when things are going well in a relationship, but can be a little more difficult when you’re experiencing difficult times. However, it’s impossible to feel both resentment and gratitude at the same time. So, when you make the choice to express gratitude, it’s also likely that the resentment you’ve been holding onto will begin to disappear, which is a gift you give yourself!
I can promise you that if you really take on expressing gratitude to your husband or boyfriend for the week, something magical will happen.
Not only will you begin to experience more peace within, but you will also begin to sense a shift in the dynamic of your relationship.
Why?
Because, now, rather than focusing on (and complaining about) all of the things he’s not doing (or not doing well enough), you will begin noticing just how much you have to be grateful for! Instead of noticing that he left the socks on the floor, or left the toilet seat up, or forgot to pay the phone bill on time, you’ll begin to notice how he made sure he left you enough coffee in the coffee pot, how he always brings in the mail, how he’s working those long hours you complain about because he wants to take care of you, and how he begins to respond to your increased level gratitude! I’m warning you now – Don’t be surprised if he starts surprising you more often!
Will you take “The Gratitude Challenge”?
I’d like to present you with a little challenge.
For the next 7 days, look for three opportunities per day to express thanks to your man. I know, I know, some of you are thinking it will be hard to find one opportunity. Again, I promise you, if you will look for the opportunities, you will see them!
If you’re not in a relationship yet, then I challenge you to express your gratitude to men three times per day. You can choose to thank the same man three times, or thank three different men. Yes, you can choose a family member, but if you really want to stretch yourself, I invite you thank three co-workers, three men you see while running errands, or the cute guy who always holds the door open for you at the gym!
If you play this game full-out, you are going to begin to notice just how much the men in your life want to please and make you happy! See, while you may be benefiting from their compliments, help, or gifts, you are giving them a gift in return: The gift of appreciation. And, if you continue to play the game well after the 7 days have come and gone, you will see just how big a difference a little gratitude can make in all of the areas of your life!
So, will you do it? Will you take the gratitude challenge?
If, so, make sure you let us know below! We can’t wait to hear all about the miraculous changes you’ll begin to see in your life and your relationship!
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