by heartsdesireintl | Nov 5, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer
One of the most beautiful parts about autumn is how the leaves begin to change. Although I live in Florida and the changes here aren’t as intense as in other parts of the country (palm trees don’t really lose their leaves!), there are a few non-native trees in the area, and I love to pick up and admire the different-colored leaves as I go for walks. It’s just fascinating to me how the leaves know when it’s time to begin to change, fall off the branches, and make way for something new to appear in the spring.
As often happens, when I’m thinking about things that take place in my life or the world around me, I try to see how I can relate it to relationships.
One of the main reasons people reach out to work with Michelle and me is because they want to experience change. They either want to change their current relationship status from “single” to “in a committed relationship,” or they want to change and improve the experience they’re having in their current relationship. In both of these situations, like the leaves on the tree, there is a moment where the woman realizes that it’s time to change, let go of the past and any of the things she’s been holding on to that are keeping her “stuck” where she is, in order to make room for something new to show up !
Recently, I was coaching a client who was struggling between absolutely loving her husband who is kind, loving, and generous with her, while also realizing that there were things about him that she didn’t really like or agree with. As I was coaching her, I saw myself and who I used to be in her.
I’ll never forget the moment when I realized that, for a really long time I had been completely unaware of the fact that I saw myself as “superior” to my husband. I was more positive, more spiritual, more even-tempered than he. I was more social, able to get along with people, and I didn’t hold grudges. As horrible as it sounds to me know, I really did have this better-than-thou perception of my husband.
Unfortunately, as unaware as I was of this perception, my husband was completely tuned into it! He could sense that I was making judgments about him and his choices. Whether or not I was aware of it, this underlying belief and view that I had of him was coloring how I saw, spoke to and of him, and how I treated and responded to him. I didn’t have to come out and say it. All he needed to do was looks into my eyes and he could probably see it.
For a long time, I thought it was my responsibility to let my husband know all of the ways he could improve and strive to be better than he was. I would tell him to calm down, to forgive and let go, and how he should approach people and situations. And for a long time, my husband resisted every suggestion, piece of advice, recommended book or video, and comment I made — which only made me want to “help” him even more.
It was a vicious cycle and I was left wondering why he couldn’t just listen to me and change.
It wasn’t until I took the spotlight off of him and everything I felt he needed to do, say, and think differently and flashed it on myself that things really began to change. And things only changed because I began to change myself and the way I was choosing to see him.
I began to look at all of the ways I was sending the message that I didn’t love and accept him, where I felt I was superior to him.
Then I began to look for evidence that supported what a great man he was – a man of integrity who was smart, strong, loyal and loving.
I began to recognize just how capable he was at work and in the things he enjoyed doing.
And something amazing began to happen.
Because I began to change the way I chose to see and relate to him, my husband began to change! But not really.
I began to see what had been in front of me all along, but I couldn’t see because I had been too busy looking for what was “wrong” and needed to be “fixed.”
I’ve learned that, since you cannot make your date, boyfriend, or husband be more or less of anything he does not choose to be, the only thing you can do is to begin to believe that he can be those things.
You can affirm the good qualities you see evidence of in him and in your relationship.
You can shed light on the things you want to experience and see more of, and create a space of unconditional love and acceptance that may very well inspire him to become the man he was created to be.
And, in the meantime, you can focus on becoming the woman you were created to be — the very best version of yourself!
I ended the email to my client by sharing my version of Gandhi’s famous quote, where he called on us to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
For those of us looking to create and experience extraordinary love, the message is:
BE the love you want to see in your relationship!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Nov 1, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Yesterday was Halloween, which is probably one of the more fun holidays, because, for one day, you actually have permission to pretend to be someone other than who you really are!
While dressing up and pretending to be someone you’re not can make Halloween fun, it’s not such a great thing when it comes to dating and relationships. In fact, pretending can be exhausting, and it doesn’t give you or the other person the opportunity to discover whether he’d choose to be with you if you were actually being yourself.
If you want him to fall in love with you, be authentic.
If your online profile or the way you portray yourself to others – especially men – is not an authentic reflection of who you really are, it’s very unlikely that you’re going to attract the type of person who is going to want to create the type of relationship you really desire.
If, while on a date, you’re focusing on what you should say or do to “get him” to like you, instead of listening, responding, and letting him get to know a little bit about the real you, then it’s possible that he may get the feeling that you are holding back or that you don’t want to be there with him.
And, if you’re not being authentic about wanting to be in a committed relationship that leads to marriage; or you’re pretending to be okay with sleeping with him before there’s a real commitment or with living together before you’re engaged or married – or you are in any way, shape or form being untrue to yourself out of the fear that he won’t want to be with you if you share how you really feel, then on how solid a foundation are you building your relationship? And…
For how much longer are you willing to pretend to be someone you’re not?
Not only is pretending inauthentic and exhausting, but it’s likely that you’ll eventually begin to feel resentment. And that resentment will probably be displaced, where you’ll begin to feel resentment toward him for not accepting you the way you are, while what’s really happening is that you’re upset with yourself for not being confident enough to trust that the man who you’re choosing to be with will choose to want to be with and love you just the way you are.
The truth is that he can’t fall in love with you if you are not there.
So, rather than pretending to be someone you’re not or hiding how you feel and what is true for you, trust in the beauty of who you really are and know that Mr. Right-for-You is going to find you –with all the good, the bad, and the not-so-perfect parts– to be simply irresistible!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 25, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Success
by Gladys Diaz
Yesterday was a real exercise for me in being willing to step outside of my comfort zone.
On Wednesday night, I worked into the wee hours of the morning on a big project, and quite frankly did not feel very perky or pretty on Thursday! I was tired and knew I had a long day ahead of me of phone calls, research, and a webinar I was presenting that night.
At about 3:30 in the afternoon I received a call from someone who works at a local TV station saying he needed to speak with me ASAP. I called him back and he wanted to know if I could come to the studio for a segment they were doing about the benefits of online dating. Immediately I said, “Yes, of course.” That’s when he told me I needed to be there in four hours! I thought it was an upcoming interview… Not one happening that night!
I tried to get out of it. I told him I was tired and that I could pack clothes in the bags under my eyes. I also told him I had to lead a webinar at 9:00 and the segment was not airing until 8:30, and that I was sorry, but I couldn’t see how it was going to work.
That’s when he said he’d send a car to pick me up and drop me off so that I would not have drive, that he’d have a makeup artist ready to greet me when I got there, and that he’d arrange for me to have a private conference room with Internet connection so that I could go upstairs after the interview and conduct my webinar.
I thought about cancelling my webinar, but I didn’t want to do that. If this was going to work for me, I needed to be able to have it all!
At that moment, I chose to do what wasn’t comfortable.
I hurried up and finished my work; got ready, dressed and out the door, and let the ladies who’d be attending the webinar know that we might start a few minutes late.
After the webinar, I rushed upstairs, sat in an office that wasn’t my comfy home office, battled with technology to get connected to the Internet, and started the webinar 20 minutes late. Not what I like or what I’m used to.
The webinar, however, went great. The ladies waited patiently for me to get set up and were so understanding about all of the glitches that took place. Everyone participated actively, and the insights they shared at the end of the night reminded me that everything I’d done that day was worth it!
When I got up to put my things away, I looked up and saw the frame that you see as the image on this page. It read:
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
~ Neal Diamond Walsh
So, what about you? Have you been willing to step out of your comfort zone?
Have you set up that online dating profile you’ve been putting off because you feel that online dating is “unnatural” or not your cup of tea, even though it might actually be fun and you might end up meeting the man of your dreams?
Have you started smiling and flirting whenever you’re out, even though it feels “weird” or you’re afraid of being rejected?
Have you chosen to forgive your husband or boyfriend? To let go of any resentments or judgments regarding what he “should” do to make things right between you?
Have you been willing to be open, vulnerable, and allow love to flow in, to, and through you?
If you have, great! I’m excited for you and would love to hear about how you’ve been able to break out of your comfort zone and create some amazing results!
If you haven’t, would you consider stepping out in faith?
Life happens right outside of our comfort zone, and there are miracles just waiting to be manifested and experienced by you!
So, go ahead! I dare you to be happy!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 11, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
As I mentioned in my previous post, this past week I attended a Mastermind meeting that was led by my business coach with over 80 other entrepreneurs. One of the assignments we were given prior to the meeting was to be ready to present a 2-minute talk on stage. To say that I was terrified is quite the understatement!
As soon as I read those instructions – and the sentence stating that we couldn’t ask any questions regarding the assignment – I went into full-out panic mode. In an instant, all of my fears, doubts and insecurities came bubbling up to the surface. I was even angry that we were not only being told what we needed to do, but that we weren’t being given any directions except to “breathe” and do our best!
I put off working on my talk all week long. I got really “busy” doing a bunch of other stuff. It wasn’t until I landed in California and someone mentioned the assignment that I decided it would probably be a good idea to at least write something down. But nothing came. I couldn’t think of anything to write, or say on stage. And I was certain that my coach was going to call me on stage, I was going to bomb big time, and she was going to tear me apart in front of everyone!
My plan: To avoid eye contact with her and refuse to go up if she called on me!
Pretty wimpy, huh? Especially for someone who talks to women about facing and overcoming their fears!
So, as usually happens during moments like this in my life, I thought of you.
I thought about what I would ask you to help you to see what it was you are really afraid of.
Are you afraid of not ever having what you really want?
Or are you afraid that you might actually get what you really want? (Sometimes, this can be just as scary as the fear of not getting what we want!)
I realized that I was afraid of “looking bad” and that, if I didn’t do it perfectly, it meant that I wouldn’t be able to succeed – ever. I was terrified that I’d been wasting my time and that my dreams were never really going to come true.
And then, for a split second, I thought about how scary it would be if having what I want was really possible! That would mean that having the life and business that I want is completely up to me! That I would have to be responsible and be willing to do the work that it takes to make those dreams come true.
That’s what I was really afraid of!
I thought about how I’d encourage you to face your fear and do it anyway.
I thought about how I’d say to you:
That fear? It’s just a thought. It’s not even “the truth”!
It’s just a reminder of something that happened in the past – something that is not happening now. It’s not real.
I thought about how many times I’ve allowed my fears to stop me. How the fear of repeating a mistake from the past has kept me from stepping out into a new future. And how, I’ve always ended up regretting not having stepped up.
It was then that I began to sense something stirring inside of me. What was it?
Was it the determination not to have that happen again? Was it the unwillingness to remain stagnant? Was that courage bubbling up inside of me?
I thought about how courageous you are when you are willing to take a risk and be vulnerable.
I thought about how you inspire me when are courageous enough to step outside of your comfort zone and have a breakthrough that completely transforms your life.
I thought about the joy that I feel when you tell me how amazing you feel now that you have everything you’ve dreamed of and how you really didn’t believe it could happen sometimes, but you trusted me and yourself, and you did it anyway!
I thought about you…
And then, instead of waiting to be called on…
I raised my hand!
And I kept raising it… until my coach pointed at me… and I made my way to the stage!
I’d love to say that I wasn’t nervous. That when I stepped on the stage I felt confident and everything came out exactly the way that I’d planned.
The truth is that I was shaking so hard I thought the people in the front row could see it! I was so nervous that I felt as if I couldn’t take a complete breath. But the longer I stood on the stage, the stronger I felt and the words began to flow! And the feedback I was terrified of getting from my coach? It was constructive – meant to build me up, not tear me down – and I used it, right then and there, on the stage! It was amazing! I felt so empowered!
So, thank you!
Thank you for the difference you allow me to make in your life and for the incredible difference you make in mine. I’m so grateful our paths have crossed and that we’re part of one another’s journey.
And the next time you’re afraid – of admitting that you want to be in a loving, intimate relationship; of going out on a date with someone new; of apologizing to your boyfriend or husband for having said or done something you wish you hadn’t; of allowing yourself to love and be loved – I hope you’ll think of me and that you’ll be inspired to move past your fear so that you can experience the life and love your heart desires!
Question? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 4, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
I remember when I used to play on the monkey bars as a little girl. I’m afraid of heights, and the idea of hanging way up high terrified me, but not as much as knowing that, in order to move to the next bar, I had to completely open up one hand, let go of the bar, and move it to the next bar! But I knew that if I didn’t, let go, I’d either be stuck in the same place, or my arms would eventually get too tired, and I’d end up falling off!
The same is true when it comes to relationships. In order to move toward the type of life and love you want to experience, you may need to let go of all of the things that aren’t working until you get to the other side!
“Moving on” from a past relationship or from something that is not working in your life can be much easier said than done. When you love a person and have opened your heart to him, the thought of letting go moving on can be so scary it’s paralyzing! When you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be difficult to open your heart and let love back in, or to do what it takes to turn a relationship into the kind of loving union you dream of. This is what has many women holding on to a man, relationship, or limiting beliefs and behaviors that are clearly not giving them the experience they want for much longer than they need to. It’s also what keeps them stuck, alone, and lonely.
Having the type of love you want – the kind where you know that you know that he loves you, where it feels safe and secure, and where you get to experience love, peace, and joy – the kind of relationship that works means you need to be willing to let go of what doesn’t!
So, what are some of the things you may need to let go of in order to get to the other side — the side where all of your dreams about what life and love can be are waiting for you?
- Pain and resentment from the past: Holding on will keep you angry, bitter, upset, and either alone or lonely inside of a relationship. When you bring forgiveness to yourself and others, you create a space for something new to show up in your life!
- Your checklist of criteria or expectations: Consider that if you’re experiencing that one guy after another (or the man who you’re with) just isn’t “enough,” you may be holding on to a list of insurmountable criteria and expectations that are set up to help protect and keep you from being vulnerable, which is also keeping you from connecting and experiencing intimacy.
- The need to be right: Insisting on your way being the right way; being unwilling to accept, respect, or understand another’s ideas or point of view will keep you stuck in your own righteousness and does not allow for the possibility of intimacy.
- A dead-end relationship: If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, just waiting (and waiting, and waiting) for him to commit or propose to you, you may want to consider that either you’re not clear about what you really want, or you’re holding him responsible for you having what it is you want for your life. It may be time to let go of that relationship and make room for the man who is ready to share and spend his life with you.
If you’re feeling frustrated with the way things are showing up in your love life, perhaps it’s time to take inventory of your life and your relationships and be really honest with yourself.
Is there something that clearly is not working for you that you’re holding on to? Are you ready to finally let go and reach forward—toward the life and love you desire and deserve?
If so…
Take a deep breath and know that you are strong enough, you are worthy enough, and you will survive this. More than anything, know that the life and love your heart desires are already waiting for you!
And if you need support with letting go, know that we are only an email away! We’ll be right there beside you, cheering, encouraging, and holding you up until you get to the other side: The relationship you’ve always dreamed of!
Click here and let’s talk! We’re here for you!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Oct 1, 2013 | Communication, Dating, Forgiveness, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
This weekend I broke a promise, and it’s been quite the learning experience to see how one broken promise can lead to a ripple effect of results and consequences, and how this can seriously impact our relationships.
As part of his responsibility to his Cub Scout Pack, my son has to sell popcorn in front of a store for 4 hours during the popcorn sale period. They refer to it as each Cub doing his “fair share.” I signed him up for two 2-hour shifts. I realized I probably would not be able to make the second shift and mentioned it to his Cub Master. Unfortunately, I did not follow up and communicate for which time I would like to reschedule, and I completely forgot that I was supposed to take my son to complete his second shift this past Sunday.
As soon as I woke up, I saw a missed calendar reminder and an email from the Scout Master 30 minutes after we were supposed to have arrived! I immediately jumped out of bed, told my son to get dressed, and began emailing and texting anyone I could think of to try to communicate that we were on our way.
Unfortunately, we were too late.
Two other families failed to show up, so the sales were canceled for the day, which meant my and all of the other boys who had signed up for the day missed out on their opportunity to give their fair share to the Pack, and the Cub Master resigned, which means our Pack does not have a leader at the helm and all 20 or so families are being impacted.
To say that I felt horrible is an understatement. I contacted the Cub Master and his family and apologized for disrespecting him and his family. I apologized to my son for forgetting to communicate a new day and time, had to comfort him while he cried when he learned that the Cub Master was resigning (he is wonderful man who has done so much for our Pack). Today I sent an email to the entire Pack apologizing for my part in all of this.
The apologies were received well, but the impact of the broken promise is still there. My son, the other boys and their parents, and an entire Pack were impacted all because of one broken promise.
Once I was able to forgive myself, I looked to see what the lesson in all of this was and how I could use it in my own life and as something I could share with you regarding how this lesson applies to dating and relationships. Here are a few of the lessons I learned:
Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship.
Lesson 1: A broken promise – big or small – can have a big impact. Whether the broken promise is regarding something you promised someone else, or yourself, the lack of integrity will impact the relationship. The trust in the relationship is impacted, and the ripple effect can extend beyond just you and the person to whom the promise was made.
For example, if you’ve promised yourself and your partner that you are going to do whatever it takes to restore the intimacy in the relationship, and, yet, you speak disrespectfully to him, withhold love or tenderness out of anger, or continue bringing up past mistakes, you are breaking your promise to yourself, your partner, and, if you have a family, to your kids and extended family.
If you’re single, and you’ve promised yourself that you’re going to make changes so that you can have the relationship your heart desires, but you’ve continued repeating the same patterns and behaviors that have been blocking you from attracting love into your life – out of fear, pride, or the unwillingness to work through and break through them – then you’ve broken your promise to yourself, and you’re no closer to having that loving relationship you want and deserve (not to mention the impact it’s having on the man who’s waiting to step into your life when you’re ready!).
Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity.
Lesson 2: Be willing to accept responsibility. Several people were so kind in letting me know that my actions were not the only contributing factor to everything that happened on Sunday. The fact that we didn’t show up to sell the popcorn was one in a series of things that led to the Cub Master’s decision. I knew they were trying to help me feel better, and I appreciated that. I also realized that I needed to be 100% responsible for the role I played, because that’s the only thing for which I can be responsible.
Taking responsibility is not about blaming or shaming yourself (although, I’ll admit I did a little of that). Taking responsibility simply means recognizing the role you played in what happened, owning it, and then doing what you can to restore your integrity. In this case, I chose to apologize and re-promise, which meant I rearranged my schedule so that my son could sell popcorn at 4:30pm that day and fulfill on his commitment to do his fair share for the Pack. Apologizing and restoring integrity will create a space for trust and intimacy to be restored in a relationship.
Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology.
Lesson 3: An apology doesn’t make everything “okay.” I apologized to everyone I could. I accepted 100% responsibility for the role I played in how everything turned out. And, still, the results remained – kids didn’t get to fulfill on their promise, the Pack still doesn’t have a leader, and there may be other consequences that result from this. My son also didn’t accept my apology right away, which was his prerogative. He was upset and I just needed to respect that he wasn’t ready to stop being upset yet.
The same holds true in our relationships. Taking responsibility and apologizing is part of what we can do to try to restore integrity, trust and intimacy. But, ultimately, it’s up to the other person to choose if and when they are willing to accept the apology. And, even if they do, the consequences will be what they will be, and we need to be willing to accept them as such.
Of course, the best path to follow would be to only make promises we will keep and to keep all of our promises. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect and we may not always do that. So, for those times when you don’t honor your word, it’s best to accept that the results are what they are, take responsibility for the role you played, and restore your integrity as quickly as possible, realizing that, while it may not “fix” everything, it’s the best you can do – and that’s really all you can do!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
