Are you tired of attracting the wrong man into your life?
Does it feel as if you keep dating the same man with a different face, name, and body?
If it seems as if you keep repeating the same patterns and having the same experiences in dating and relationships, you’ll want to tune in and watch this video where I answer the question, “How do I stop attracting the wrong man?” which was submitted by one of the viewers who saw our Transformational Tuesday interview, “Getting Ready to Love Again,” with Deborah Deras!*
In this video, I explain what may be causing you to create the same experience over and over again in dating and relationships– even if it’s something you don’t want!
I also walk you through an exercise we do with our clients that helps them to distinguish what some of their Dysfunctional Patterns are so that they can begin to dismantle and deal with them powerfully!
If this video isn’t for you, but you have women in your life who you feel could benefit from the information, please share it with them. There’s nothing more loving you can do than to help another woman break a cycle that is causing her so much frustration and heartache!
After you watch the video, please leave your comments in the Comments section of the blog so that we can continue the conversation!
*P.S. The Transformational Tuesday interview with Deborah Deras received such a great response that we are doing an Encore Presentation tomorrow night, Tuesday, February 10th, at 10:00pm ET. There will be a simultaneous live Twitter Chat where we will answer your questions LIVE as they come in! It’s going to be transformational, informative, fun and FREE!
Today I’d like to focus on the second “P”: Protecting the woman he loves.
It may seem a little old-fashioned to think that a man feels that he needs to “protect” the woman he loves. After all, we women have become very independent and self-sufficient, and we can take care of ourselves – physically, emotionally, and financially.
However, when you think back to the beginning of time, men were the providers and protectors. If they didn’t protect the tribe, people died. It was just that simple.
That need to feel like he’s capable of protecting you from harm is inherent in a man. When he has the experience that he’s not able to prevent something bad from happening to you, he may very well react with what appears to be anger. And, in the moment, it may seem like that anger is directed at you.
I remember one day I was sharing with my husband about a business deal. I had shared an idea and made a verbal agreement with someone about a program that we were going to partner together to create and launch. Eventually, it turned out that the person went ahead with the idea without me and offered me a role in the project, but not a full partnership. I, of course, was disappointed and hurt, and shared these feelings with my husband. I shared that I still wanted to be part of the project, because I believed in it, but I was very hurt that I had been informed about the change in plans after the fact.
All of a sudden, I felt like I was being “attacked.” Instead of comforting and encouraging me, he began yelling and telling me that I would be a fool to continue working with this person who obviously took an idea we had brainstormed together and ran with it on her own, without discussing anything with me. He kept getting louder and angrier, and I was completely confused and felt as if he was rubbing salt in my wounds.
Rather than say something I would regret, I went upstairs and laid in my chaise lounge chair, crying. On top of being hurt, I was angry! Why was he taking this out on me?
Then I asked myself a question that has helped me to move from anger to understanding in the past.
What would have him say something like that to me?
See, my husband loves me, and I know that he wants to protect me from harm, not cause me harm. As soon as I asked myself that question (What would have him say something like that to me?”), I was able to see it as clear as day: He was trying to protect me!
See, in my husband’s eyes, someone had let me down, hurt me, cost me what could have been a great financial opportunity, and left me out of a partnership I had been so excited about being a part of.
However, worse than all of that, there was nothing he could do to prevent or “fix” it for me.
He felt helpless because he didn’t and couldn’t protect me!
After I moved from anger to compassion, I then moved into a space of gratitude!
I was so grateful that my husband was so loving and protective – even if he didn’t express it the way I would express it.
I walked downstairs, stood behind the couch he was sitting on, leaned down, and whispered in his ear, “I get it. You’re upset because you want to protect me from being hurt or taken advantage of. Thank you for your love.”
He turned around and looked me in the eye. I don’t know if it was shock and awe at the fact that I’d figured it out, or just plain and simple relief that I got what he’d been trying to express, but I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. He just said, “I am upset. I love you and don’t like seeing you sad or hurt.”
I walked around the couch, sat next to him, and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck and cried a little bit more.
Nothing had been resolved, but I felt loved, protected and at peace, no matter what ended up happening with the business project! I had my hero next to me, and, right then and there, that was all that really mattered!
Think about it:
Has there been a time when you felt like your husband or boyfriend wasn’t being supportive of your dream or idea?
Consider that he wants more than anything to see you realize your dream and be happy, and is afraid you’ll be disappointed if your idea fails. And, because there’s nothing he can do to stop that from happening, he tries to discourage you from getting your hopes too high.
Has there been a time when he’s gotten angry at you for being friends with or associating with someone who has hurt or disappointed you in the past?
Consider that he hates seeing you sad and upset, so he gets angry, and directs that anger at you, because he’s afraid you’ll get hurt and disappointed again. And, because there isn’t much he can do to prevent that from happening, he tries pointing out how foolish it is to trust someone who was capable of hurting or lying to you in the first place.
Regardless of what your specific situation is, if you can try to listen for the love behind the words of anger, it’s very possible that you will also hear his his desire to keep you safe.
While you may not understand his approach, if you can listen for and hear his love and concern and his desire to protect you, you, too, will be able to move from upset, to compassion, to gratitude that you have a man at your side who wants nothing more than to be your hero!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This weekend Michelle and I participated in and spoke at the Desire to Rise event. It was an absolutely inspiring event focused on realizing our visions in 2015! We had the privilege of inspiring the audience to create and realize their visions for love by creating a Love Resolution for 2015!
Michelle and I are used to speaking to audiences made up predominantly of women, but, every once in a while, men will participate in our presentations, and we absolutely love it!
It’s always so heartwarming to see just how committed men are to creating loving relationships, too! In fact, the men in the room this time participated fully in our session, including holding hot pink paper links symbolizing the past fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that had been blocking love from entering their hearts right along with all of the women and they came up to us after the session to thank us and tell us how much they got out of it! It was awesome!
Another reason we love having men in the audience is because there is nothing quite as affirming as having the men nodding their heads in agreement when we talk about the three things that are most important to them in a relationship. We call these “The 3 P’s”: To Provide for, Protect, and Please the women they love.
These are a man’s greatest desires when it comes to being in a relationship.
Because each of them is so important, we’ll focus on just one of them today and I’ll write more about the other two in subsequent posts.
A man wants to know that he is capableof providing for and taking care of the woman he loves.
Now, this doesn’t always mean that he’s the primary bread winner. It means that he’s able to contribute to her well-being in some way. For some men, that will mean providing for his beloved financially – whether that means being the one who works in the home, making more money than she does, or contributing to the finances in some way. For others it could mean that he holds down the fort and provides support for her in pursuing her dreams. For others it means that he cares for her needs in other ways. And some of us are blessed enough to have a man who does all of the above!
The point is that a man needs to know and feel like he’s needed. If he doesn’t, he either withdraws to avoid feeling incompetent or rejected, or he begins to depend on the woman, which can then lead to resentment on both sides of the relationship.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re not feeling like you’re being cared and provided for, I invite you to look to see where you may be preventing that from happening.
Are you the one doing everything in the relationship – from earning the money, to taking care of the household, to basically doing anything and everything that requires decision making and action taking?
Are you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because you feel like you are doing it ALL with very little help?
Are you beginning to feel resentful about this, and, rather than admitting you need help, you’re continuing to plow along, getting everything done and resenting your man for not offering to help?
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, it’s time to take a step back and provide room for him to step up.
Now, allowing a man to provide and care for you does not mean that you are incapable of doing and caring for yourself. Of course you can! The thing is that, if doing everything is causing you to resent him and is creating distance in your relationship, you want to ask yourself what’s more important – doing everything yourself to prove that you can, or allowing for the possibility of not having to do everything yourself all of the time and feeling loved and cared for in the process?
Instead of running yourself ragged, denying him the pleasure of providing for you, and causing a rift in your relationship, follow these steps:
Take a breath, step back, and simply admit that you could use some help. The words, “I need help” are like a flare in the sky for a man! They signal that there is something he can do for the women he loves! Men want to help. They want to know that there’s a purpose for them being there. I know you may be skeptical. I know I was. My biggest complaint was that my husband never helped me and I felt like “the single married mom.” However, when I started saying, “I need help,” I saw just how important it was to my husband to know that he was capable of providing for me! So, even if you’re skeptical right now, I challenge you: Just try it!
When he asks what you need help with, share what it is without complaining or over-exaggerating the need. Once you say, “I need help,” most men will ask you what you need help with. When he does simply share what it is you need help with. At this point, avoid complaining (either verbally or in your mind) about his lack of help, your exhaustion, and the unfairness of it all when you express your need for help. That is just going to cause resistance on his part and will probably lead to yet another argument, so you want to avoid complaining and nagging at all costs.
Instead, you can say something like, “I need help moving these boxes,” “I need help organizing these receipts for the taxes,” “I need help putting away the dishes.” Keep it short and simple, and then stop talking.
Avoid attaching any expectations to what the help “should” look like. Once he offers to help, step back and allow him to do it in his way and time frame. Don’t check up on, remind, or hint at what he should/could be doing. Just move right along to something else. Many times, we sabotage ourselves from being provided for by jumping in to “help” or make things easier for our men. That has to do with our own feelings of self-worth and thinking that we’re somehow“ burdening” them. Just step back and allow yourself to receive the help. It may feel weird at first, but I promise, you’ll grow used to it!
Let him know you noticed and appreciate his help. Once he’s done whatever he’s done to help, let him know you noticed and appreciate his help! Many times women will withhold the appreciation because they don’t want to feel as if the man did them any favors. Well… first of all, he did do you a favor by helping, and, secondly, it’s important to keep in mind that his desire to feel like he can provide for you is closely followed by his need to feel appreciated. The more you let him know that you need and appreciate him and his help, the more likely he is to begin offering to provide for you! It’s a real win-win situation!
I know it may seem strange and out of character for you to admit that you could use some help, especially if you’re used to taking care of things on your own. I remember wondering if I was “dumbing down” or pretending that I wasn’t capable of doing something. I was afraid I would seem weak.
What I found out, however, is that allowing my husband to help and provide for me made me feel loved and cherished. Seeing how much he wanted to help me really did make me appreciate him even more. That inspired more gratitude and tenderness from me, which only ignited his desire to continue doing things for me that caused that reaction. As I said above, it truly is a real win-win combination.
So, go ahead and try it, and let me know what begins to open up for you in the comments below!
We’ll focus on a man’s desire to protect the woman he loves in the next post! See you then!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Many of our clients are experiencing the growing pains that come with making real changes in their lives. The kinds of changes that lead to true transformation.
It’s easy to forget that change – even when it’s “good change” – can feel uncomfortable. In fact, at times, it can feel downright painful.
Transformation is a process.
It requires letting go of what’s become familiar – what we’re used to – and taking on new beliefs, behaviors and ways of being.
It involves being willing to try something new – something that brings with it the promise of new – or renewed – love.
Transformation requires courage.
It involves having the courage to hope that things can improve and turn out differently, without knowing exactly what that final outcome will be or look like.
My favorite symbol of transformation is the butterfly.
A butterfly is so beautiful and delicate. She flutters from one place to another with such grace and ease.
To see her in all of her splendor, it’s easy to forget that that she wasn’t always that beautiful, graceful being.
At one point she was a small, fuzzy, worm-like thing. Not necessarily something that inspired awe or wonder.
To get to this beautiful stage, the butterfly had to be willing to transform herself from the insideout.
She had to be willing to be uncomfortable. She had to be willing to go through the pain and then release herself from what had been keeping her captive!
It’s the same with you, my beautiful butterfly-in-the-making.
To make changes so that you can experience the happy, loving, passionate relationship you have always wanted, you’re going to have to go through some changes. You’re going to have to be willing to be courageous.
You’re going to have to be willing to let go of and release yourself from the beliefs, fears, and behaviors which do not serve you and are not giving you the results that you want.
It won’t always be easy.
There will be times when you’ll wonder if it’s just easier to stay inside of your cocoon of fear, doubt, pain and resentment.
And it might seem like it for a while, but staying there will not allow you to break free, spread your wings and experience and enjoy the love and happiness that are waiting for you on the other side!
I invite you to break through the resistance and resignation and embrace the life and love that are your birthright.
It’s time to break free and spread your wings so that you can discover the love that is already waiting for you!
If you’re ready, we’re here to help guide you in becoming the beautiful butterfly you were created to be!
Comments? Question? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
I have been thinking about you non-stop for the past few days, so I took a few moments to shoot this quick video!
It includes an exciting announcement and a quick training on what you can do to be UNreasonable and stop letting your reasons stand you in your way of experiencing the life and love your heart desires!
This is powerful, life-changing information!
Just click the image below and create a breakthrough in your life TODAY!
If you want different results, need to break through your resistance, your reasons, and excuses!
Let the message of this video really speak to you and then take action today!
Then email me and let me know which action you are taking today!
There are some instances when bigger doesn’t necessarily mean “better.” There are, however, times when size does matter, and one of the most important is when it comes to commitment.
When you make a commitment – to yourself, your partners, or anyone with whom you in a relationship – there are going to be times when you feel your commitment – your resolve – is shaken.
It’s during these times – times of upset, disappointment, and uncertainty – that you need to ask yourself:
What I am I truly committed to?
Unless your commitment is bigger than your fear, you’ll stop yourself from making choices and taking steps that are outside of your comfort zone.
Unless your commitment is bigger than your feelings, you’ll quit the moment you feel upset, sad, or disappointed.
And, unless your commitment is bigger than your ego, you’ll run in the other direction at the first sign that things are not going the way you thought they would.
When it comes to making changes in your life, your commitment MUST be bigger than any fear, doubt, or feeling you may have.
In relationships, commitment is the industrial-strength duct tape that holds things together during times of struggle and uncertainty. Because they involve someone aside from yourself, it can be difficult to let down your guard and trust someone else to enter into and take care of your heart. It can be terrifying at times to know that you can’t control the other person; what he wants, says, or does; or whether or not he feels the same way about you.
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to walk with faith and to do what you say you are committed to, even when there isn’t agreement for or any evidence that what you want will actually happen.
In fact, when it comes to relationships, it takes a daily – sometimes even a moment-by-moment – willingness to recommit time and time again.
I want you think about your love life right now and ask yourself the question:
What am I really committed to creating in my love life?
If you are single, and your commitment is to attract and create an extraordinary relationship, or you are in a relationship – whether things are going well or you feel that things are falling apart – and your commitment is to create and live in an extraordinary relationship, then ask yourself:
What steps am I taking every day that honor my commitment?
What evidence is there in my life that I am honoring my commitment?
What am I going to do or say to myself when I don’t feel like or want to honor my commitment, so that I can recommit?
Who am I going to ask to be my partner in supporting and holding me accountable to honoring my commitment?
Without a plan and concrete actions steps, your dreams and goals are nothing but wishes that may or may not come true…someday… maybe.
However, when you make a commitment that inspires, fills, and calls you into taking real, concrete, daily steps that are aligned with that commitment, you truly can create the life and love your heart desires!
For those of you who are ready NOW to truly commit to creating the relationship of your dreams, we invite you to join us for the 2015 Love Resolution Workshop.
At this workshop, you will:
Distinguish and release the fears, doubts, resentment and regrets of the past
Create a Love Resolution that inspires you and calls you into action
Develop an action plan that will have you living and experiencing your Love Resolution every day of 2015
Discounted Pricing ends Saturday, January 17th. After that, ticket prices will go to full-price!
Want to REALLY ensure your success? Come with a friend! We’ve made it easy for you!
Both you and a friend can attend the workshop together for almost 50% off the regular price!
THAT’S how committed we are to you having the life and the love your heart desires this year!
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