Last week in the U.S., as you probably know, we celebrated one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving. For a few days, there was a collective focus on the act of taking stock of our blessings and giving thanks for them. Whether or not Thanksgiving is a holiday you celebrate, I hope you took time to think, write about, and/or verbally express thanks for the people, things, and experiences with which you are blessed.
And, while the holiday is officially over, the act of giving thanks is something you can do every day! In giving thanks regularly, you have the power to shift your state of being from one of feeling upset, sad, and disappointed to that feeling happy, fulfilled, and blessed.
It may difficult to believe that something that simple could have the power to transform the way you experience your life, health, wealth, and relationships, but it’s absolutely true!
Last week, I wrote an article about The Transformational Power of Gratitude. Earlier that day, I had the privilege of doing an interview with Michelle Richards-Phillips of GeTVisioned TV to talk about how gratitude can help create more love and peace in our lives and relationships. Of course, I threw in some other dating and relationship tips, as well! This was probably one of my favorite interviews, as I felt such a connection with Michelle as we spoke!
Several of the people who have viewed the episode have let us know that they took on the Gratitude Challenge we gave at the end of the interview and what a difference it is making for them! People are not only experiencing a feeling of gratitude in their lives, but relationships with spouses and family members are being restored!
I hope you’ll take the challenge, too, and experience the transformational power of gratitude in your own life! Click below to watch the episode, and let us know if you’re going to take the Gratitude Challenge, too!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
There are few practices in life that are as transformational as that of giving thanks. There is something miraculous that happens when you make the choice to take your focus off of everything you don’t have, don’t have enough of, or that seems to be “wrong” in your life and shift to making the conscious choice to feel and express gratitude for what you do have. This is especially true when it comes to love and relationships.
There is a quote by Taneo Sands Kumalae that says,
“Energy flows where attention goes.”
There is nothing that can kill love and intimacy more quickly than criticism and sending the message to the other person that he is not doing “enough” to please you. Telling a man he doesn’t call often enough, that he “never” takes you out anymore, or that he’s “always” thinking about himself does not inspire him to want to call, spend time with, or think of you more often. In fact, you’ll probably find that this type of communication will backfire, having him pull away even more.
On the other hand, when you choose to shed light on the things that you like, enjoy, and appreciate – the little things, the big things, and everything in between – chances are very high that the man you are with is going to want to give you even more of that? Why?
Well, it’s pretty simple. If you’re with a good man, one thing is certain: He wants to please you. And letting him know what he’s done to please you will make him want to do that more often!
See, not only does he love seeing that smile on your face, but he absolutely loves knowing that he had something to do with it!
So, the more you often you let him know that you noticed what he did and that you appreciate it, the more often he will want to create that feeling for both of you again, which means you both win!
Now, I’m not talking about simply expressing thanks in order to “get him” to do things for you. That is manipulative and controlling and totally goes against what we teach about how to create a loving, intimate relationship. This is about really allowing yourself to notice what he’s done, feel the gratitude, and then express it to him.
As with most of the things we teach, this takes some level of vulnerability, because you’re letting him know he made a difference for you. This practice can be easy when things are going well in a relationship, but can be a little more difficult when you’re experiencing difficult times. However, it’s impossible to feel both resentment and gratitude at the same time. So, when you make the choice to express gratitude, it’s also likely that the resentment you’ve been holding onto will begin to disappear, which is a gift you give yourself!
I can promise you that if you really take on expressing gratitude to your husband or boyfriend for the week, something magical will happen.
Not only will you begin to experience more peace within, but you will also begin to sense a shift in the dynamic of your relationship.
Why?
Because, now, rather than focusing on (and complaining about) all of the things he’s not doing (or not doing well enough), you will begin noticing just how much you have to be grateful for! Instead of noticing that he left the socks on the floor, or left the toilet seat up, or forgot to pay the phone bill on time, you’ll begin to notice how he made sure he left you enough coffee in the coffee pot, how he always brings in the mail, how he’s working those long hours you complain about because he wants to take care of you, and how he begins to respond to your increased level gratitude! I’m warning you now – Don’t be surprised if he starts surprising you more often!
Will you take “The Gratitude Challenge”?
I’d like to present you with a little challenge.
For the next 7 days, look for three opportunities per day to express thanks to your man. I know, I know, some of you are thinking it will be hard to find one opportunity. Again, I promise you, if you will look for the opportunities, you will see them!
If you’re not in a relationship yet, then I challenge you to express your gratitude to men three times per day. You can choose to thank the same man three times, or thank three different men. Yes, you can choose a family member, but if you really want to stretch yourself, I invite you thank three co-workers, three men you see while running errands, or the cute guy who always holds the door open for you at the gym!
If you play this game full-out, you are going to begin to notice just how much the men in your life want to please and make you happy! See, while you may be benefiting from their compliments, help, or gifts, you are giving them a gift in return: The gift of appreciation. And, if you continue to play the game well after the 7 days have come and gone, you will see just how big a difference a little gratitude can make in all of the areas of your life!
So, will you do it? Will you take the gratitude challenge?
If, so, make sure you let us know below! We can’t wait to hear all about the miraculous changes you’ll begin to see in your life and your relationship!
Part 1 of this article, which talked about being his lover, not his teacher, seems to have resonated with a lot of women, based on the emails I’ve received and the comments on the blog! Apparently, many of us identify at least a little with feeling “an almost-divine responsibility” to teach men how they should speak, dress, and act! The problem, as I mentioned earlier, is that this teacher-student/mother-son dynamic kills the intimacy in a relationship.
So, you may be wondering what you can say if he does something you don’t like or agree with. Do you just hold your thoughts and feelings in until they spew out of your mouth like lava from the mouth of a volcano? Do you pretend to agree, even if you don’t? Do you give up your rights to ever say what you think, want or feel?
No!
Not sharing your feelings is not healthy, nor does it permit intimacy to grow in a relationship. Pretending to be someone you’re not is in authentic. After all, he can’t fall in love with you, if you are not there. And you have a right to think and feel the way you do.
The catch? So does he!
See, the fact that you both don’t agree on how every single thing can be said or done does not make either one of you right or wrong. You’re just different. This is why it’s important to remember what I often tell my kids:
Not everything that pops into your head necessarily needs to pop out of your mouth.
Judgments, complaints and criticisms are not your opinions because they’re not aboutyou. No matter how nicely you phrase a complaint or criticism, it still sends the message: “You’re wrong.”
So, instead of telling him what he should or shouldn’t be doing, which has all of your attention going over there, to where he is, turn the mirror around and focus your attention on yourself.
For example, imagine that the guy you are seeing says he’s going to call, and he doesn’t. While you may want to tell him something like “You shouldn’t say you’re going to call if you’re not, because that’s rude and inconsiderate” – which is not at all about your feelings, but what you think he did wrong – you could focus on how you’re actually feeling and say, “I was disappointed I didn’t get to talk to you” or “I was looking forward to your call.”
Notice how these statements focus on how you’re feeling, not on what he did or didn’t do.
Or perhaps you’re going on a first date and the guy says he wants you to drive up to where he lives to meet him, or to meet him at a halfway mark. If you would be picked up, or meet closer to your home, that’s what you would say: “I’d rather not drive that far,” or “I prefer to be picked up.”
Neither of these statements is teaching him or telling him what to do. You are simply stating your preferences and then he gets to choose what to do with that information – to either fulfill your desire, or not.
If your husband or boyfriend has been eating fast food three days in a row because he’s been working long hours, instead of telling him, “You should take a healthy lunch so that you’re not eating all of that grease and wasting all of that money,” there are several things you could do.
You could acknowledge that he’s a grown man who probably already knows that fast food is not the healthiest food choice and trust him to make what he feels are the best decisions for himself.
You could also choose to focus on the times he does make a healthy choice and point that out, instead. In this case, you could say, “It was a great idea to cook extra fish so that you have something healthy to take for lunch tomorrow.” This way, instead of focusing on what you don’t agree with or approve of, you’re choosing to focus on what you’d like to see happen more often!
The point is that people don’t like to be told what the should do or what they’re doing wrong, and they rarely choose to change out of being badgered, criticized, or made to feel badly.
Assuming that you are dating or in a relationship with an adult, you can trust that he knows how to take care of himself. After all, he managed to survive several decades before meeting you, right?
Respecting his choices and ideas as his choices and ideas – without trying to fix or change him or them – doesn’t mean you agree with them. It simply means you respect them. And respect is a key ingredient in any relationship.
So, the next time you have the urge to teach, correct, criticize, or give your unsolicited advice or opinion, ask yourself whether you want to be the one who teaches him what he should do or the one who gets to love and accept and be loved and accepted by him. Then remind yourself that there’s probably no better way to let him know you love him than letting him know that you trust and respect him and his choices!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This week I found myself dealing with many disappointments. I’m usually a pretty positive person, but I have to admit that I had more than a few moments of frustration, sadness, and crying sessions. Working myself through the disappointment took a willingness to just be with the feelings, rather than resisting them; be responsible for the role I’d played in having things turn out the way they did; and courage to dust myself off and pick myself up again! I also discovered that, as disappointing as a situation may be, the lessons learned are part of the journey and that, if I can be open to seeing what those lessons are, I am one step closer to achieving my goals and dreams.
It’s no different when it comes to dating in relationships. Whether you’re disappointed that you’re not attracting the kind of man you’d like to share your life with, or you’re disappointed about the way a conversation with your husband or boyfriend went, it’s how you choose to deal with the disappointment can affect how beneficial the learning experience can be.
So, what are some ways that you can effectively deal with disappointments in relationships?
Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Trying to resist feeling sad, upset, or disillusioned is futile. As the saying goes: “What your resists persists,” so give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. The key to getting to the other side of the disappointment, however, is to avoid wrapping yourself in the feeling and staying “stuck” there. Instead, acknowledge what you’re feeling, allow yourself to feel it, and, then let it go. The other day, my sister and I gave each other permission to vent about an issue we were having for 10 minutes. Once those 10 minutes were over, we moved on to seeking solutions! It was great because we didn’t have to go through making one another wrong for feeling how we were feeling or pretending that we weren’t feeling that way, which deepened the intimacy we share.
In a romantic relationship, you may want to give yourself a “time out” before sharing how you are feeling. Why? Because at times, our emotions are super-charged at the moment of disappointment, and we may end up saying or doing something we’re later going to regret, thus adding to the disappointment. So, it’s much better to sort through what it is that you are feeling – perhaps by venting with someone who is not a part of the situation – before choosing to share those feelings with our partner.
Take responsibility for the role you played in the situation. Whether a mistake was made, something could have been done differently, you said or did something that contributed to the situation, or you fueled the flames by defending your point of view or making the other person wrong, own the role you played in how things turned out. Taking responsibility is not about assigning fault or blame. It’s simply about being willing to acknowledge what you did or said that contributed to the situation. This is important, because, once you take responsibility for the role you played in the situation, you can also take the credit for helping to turn things around! So, rather than defend yourself or assign blame to others, just take responsibility for the part you played so that you can move forward. Which brings us to the next point:
Avoid staying stuck in the muck. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t enjoy failing, making mistakes, or having things turn out differently than I imagined. I prefer success a whole lot more! However, sometimes, after having experienced a disappointment, it can be difficult to want to try again. We fear having to experience the sting of disappointment again, and this can cause us to want to want to quit and stop trying. The problem, however, is that, until we’re willing to step out of the muck and try again, we’ll never truly know what we’re capable of creating.
So, if you’re disappointed with regard to your experience with dating, revise your online profile, look for another online site that may be more to your liking, and trying out new places and activities where you might meet potential suitors. If you’re disappointed with the level of love and romance in your relationship, do something fun and romantic with or for your partner. And if you feel as if you’re struggling to make your relationship work, reach out a relationship coach or someone you know who can help you see what you may be able to do turn things around. There is always help and there’s always hope!
And throughout all of this, remember that, as painful and uncomfortable as the disappointment may seem, there are life and love lessons to be learned at every moment – each one another stepping stone in your journey. And every time you choose to have the courage to identify what those lessons are and apply them in your life and relationships, you are one step closertoward achieving your dreams and fulfilling your heart’s desires!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Being a relationship coach is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. There is absolutely nothing better than helping a woman who has given up on love begin to break through the fears, doubts, and limiting beliefs that have been stopping her from allowing love to find her. It’s so fulfilling to watch someone meet the man she’s been waiting for all of her life and see them building a life of dreams together. Perhaps my favorite part is that inevitable moment when she calls to tell me they’re getting married and how she really thought this would never happen for her! It’s one of the few times I love being “right”!
As with anything else, even being a relationship coach has its down side sometimes. Many of the calls I get are from women who are giving up on love, not because they are single, but because they can’t seem to figure out what went wrong and what they need to do to make their marriage work. It’s heartbreaking to hear them talk about how great things between them and their husbands used to be and how difficult things are now – constant bickering; very little, if any, intimacy; and feeling lonely, even though they are in a relationship.
The worst part is that this is a pretty common conversation. I receive these types of phone calls and emails all the time from women asking, “What happened?” “Where did the love go?” “Is there any way to get it back?”
Thankfully, when a woman reaches out to me, it’s usually because she’s ready to begin turning things around. Even if she’s still at the point where she’s blaming him for the state of their marriage, if she’s reaching out, I know in my heart that there is a very good chance that, if she’s willing to do the work, she’ll be amazed at how quickly her experience of being married is going to change!
But why is it that a happy, loving, peaceful romance can sometimes turn into a war zone? How is it that the same two people who at one point could not imagine living the rest of their lives without one another can get to the point where they can’t be in the same room without insulting and tearing each other down? And, more importantly, is there any way to prevent this from happening or turn thingsaround?
Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why some marriages don’t last and what can be done to prevent this and Keep the Love Alive in your relationship so that it can last for a lifetime.
Thinking that great marriages “just happen.”
I don’t know if we should sue Disney or the authors of every fairy tale and romance novel ever written, but this idea that happily ever after just happens, is an illusion! Nothing that lasts or that is of importance – one’s health, wealth, or success in any area of one’s life – lasts without putting time, effort, and, at times, money into it. Take shows like Extreme Weightloss or The Biggest Loser, for example. Even after those people go through 6 months to a year of intense training, changing their eating habits, and living an entirely new lifestyle, and lose hundreds of pounds, there is absolutely no way for them to maintain that new body if they do not continue exercising, eating healthy, and making the right choices for their bodies.
So, why is it that we think relationships are any different? Even if you have the most romantic, loving, and intimate relationship, unless you make it a point every single day to nurture the love and respect in that relationship, there is absolutely no way that it will be able to sustain the curveballs that life throws your way: illness, loss of a job, death of a loved one, or everyday stress. It’s only when we make our relationships a priority in our lives and give them the time and attention they deserve that we can begin solidifying the foundation and continue building on the love that we have in the beginning of the relationship.
Getting too comfortable.
I’m not going to lie, I’m glad I no longer have to worry about if I’ll ever be married or have the family I always dreamed of. There is a sense of peace in knowing that you’ve attracted the man who has promised to love you for the rest of his life. But I have to be conscious about not taking this blessing for granted. However, I see way too many people who have gotten comfortable in their relationships and are no longer trying to make them fun and romantic. They settle into being busy, being parents, and – if they can tolerate one another – becoming friendly housemates. But the passion, romance, and fun that used to be in their relationships are nowhere to be found. They begin to feel bored and grow apart.
Again, if you want to have a relationship where love, fun, and romance are present, rather than waiting for your partner to bring fun, love, and romance into the relationship, it’s going to be up to you. In other words, you need to choose to be the love you want to see and experience in your life.
Not believing that things will change.
Another reason many marriages do not last is because, when things begin to change, or it begins to seem as if the romance is beginning to fade, people get scared. They get scared that they won’t be able to turn things around and that things will continue to get worse. They’re afraid that their partner doesn’t want the relationship to work. And the fear has them not even try – it actually paralyzes them, and they will pretend everything is fine, ignore the situation, and not take the steps they can take to recommit, reconnect, and restore the intimacy in their relationships.
It can be scary to think that the relationship you promised to be in for the rest of your life is coming apart. But, if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: You have the power to create the relationship your heart desires. It is entirely up to you. And, while you may not know exactly what you can do right now, know that help and support are available, and it is absolutely possible to have the love, intimacy and romance you want.
Michelle and I are passionate about helping women restore the romance in their relationships. This is why we are hosting the “Keeping the Love Alive”Workshop on September 21, 2013. In this half-day workshop, women will discover:
How to continue becoming the best version of yourself
The keys to communicating in a way that has him hear what you are saying
The practical things you can do each day to keep the romance alive in your relationship
How to give your husband what he wants more than anything else (and it’s probably not what you’re thinking!)
In a committed relationship that you are hoping will lead to a happy marriage
A bride-to-be who is ready to learn how to make your marriage a romance that lasts for a lifetime
A happily married woman who is interested in taking your marriage to new levels of love, passion, and intimacy
A married woman who wants to discover how to bring the passion and romance back into your marriage
So, if you’re ready to begin infusing your relationship with more love, passion, intimacy, and fun that you can stand,join us onSaturday, September 21, 2013 from 10:00am – 1:00pm!
Location:
Italy Today6743 Main StreetMiami Lakes, FL 33014
Cost:
$45 pre-sale / $50 at the door
BOGO with a friend! Buy 1 ticket and get the second one for 50% off! $67 Pre-sale / $75 at the door
**Be one of the first 10 women to register after reading this post, and we’ll enter your name in a raffle to win a great date night gift!**
If you live outside of Florida, and you’d like support, contact us so that we can work with you to help you create the relationship you deserve and your heart desires!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
This weekend I had the pleasure of being pleasantly surprised by my hubby. I was feeling so sore after spending most of the day before cleaning out my sons’ playroom. It was pretty late before I finally got to sit down, and the last thing I wanted to do was move. When my husband said, “Let’s go upstairs,” much earlier than we usually go to bed, my first thought was “I don’t want to.” All I wanted to do was sit and relax for a while.
To be honest, I was a little put off. I sort of felt like he was telling me what to do. So I almost said, “No.”
But I’m so glad I didn’t!
As much as I wanted to stay on the couch, laying down actually sounded heavenly, so I slowly got up and began gathering up some things to put away and take upstairs. I could tell he was getting a little anxious, which was beginning to bug me, because I felt like he was hurrying me. But then I saw a hint of a smile and he said, “If you don’t hurry up, you’re going to miss your surprise!”
He had me at “surprise”!
When I got upstairs, the bathroom was lit in vanilla-scented candles, the tub was filled with bubbles, and Michael Bublé was playing in the background!
How romantic is that? Very!
I hugged him and thanked him for such a sweet and romantic gesture and told him that this was exactly what I needed! Then he confessed that he’d been thinking about doing that for me all day, since we had the conversation in the morning as we held one another in the kitchen about wishing we could stay in bed all day, like we used to before we had kids. So sweet!
As I soaked in the bubble bath while getting a lovely foot massage, I thought about how close I came to saying that I didn’t want to go upstairs; how I’d interpreted his excitement about surprising me as him trying to rush me, and how, after all of these years, he’s still able to pleasantly surprise me! I mean, how many couples can say that this type of romance is still alive after 14 years (and two kids)?
So the lessons I learned were:
Be open to going with the flow. True, I initially didn’t want to move from the couch, and I could have expressed that, but he wasn’t suggesting something that would distress or put me out in any way when he suggested we go upstairs, so I am really glad that I chose to go with the flow. Otherwise, I may have missed out on a really romantic evening!
Allow yourself to receive be pleasantly surprised. Sure, the bubble bath, candles and music were sweet, but I think it was even more sweet that my husband had been thinking about and planning the evening all day long! I was too tired to do want to prepare any of that on my own, and, not only did I get to enjoy it, but I also got to see how much he enjoyed seeing me so happy!
The romance does not have to fade with time. There’s a misconception out there that romance is only for “the honeymoon phase.” But what if the honeymoon phase lasted for years – decades, even? The truth is that romance doesn’t fade. We fade. We get comfortable. We forget about how fun it was to surprise and delight in and with one another. And we can choose every day – any day – to bring romance into our relationships!
What about you, what has been one of your favorite romantic surprises? And what will you do to bring fun and romance back into your relationship?
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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