by heartsdesireintl | Jun 10, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
If my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years says he bought me a custom made ring two years ago but hasn’t proposed, yet still talks in terms of ” we ” about the future and says he is so grateful to finally get “free” of his son late at night when we are both available that he forgets to bring the ring because he considers it a mere formality, should I be kicking his proverbial rear to the curb? This is a beta male who has ADHD. Any thoughts?
There are a few points in this question that I’d like to address. The first is that your boyfriend announced that he bought you a ring and is then explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it when he comes to see you late at night. I’m wondering if you’re the one who brought up the ring in the first place. The reason I ask is that men rarely announce that they’ve bought a ring before they actually propose. The “surprise factor” of the proposal is part of its sweetness. So I’m wondering if you were bringing up marriage a couple of years ago and he said he got a ring to deal with the pressure.
If he did, in fact, get the ring of his own accord and shared with you that he bought it, the fact that he keeps explaining why he’s forgetting to bring it makes me think that you’re bringing up the fact that he hasn’t given you the ring yet. This, again, could occur as pressure and could actually be causing him not to want to give you the ring until it’s his idea. If this is the case you have been bringing up the ring (or lack, thereof) to him, my advice would be to let it go. Don’t mention it for a month or two and just allow him the space to choose when to give it to you. When/If he does ask you to marry him, you want to know that it’s because he wants to be with and can’t imagine living his life without you, not because he feels like he has to give it or propose to you.
The other thing that stood out was when you said that he comes over when he’s “free” from his son, late at night. Is this the only time you two see each other? Who is staying with his son when he comes over at night? Are you 100% certain he is not married? I don’t want to instill any fear, but given the limited amount of facts in the email, it’s hard for me to understand why he’s explaining why he didn’t bring the ring with him late at night, once he’s free from his son. I’d be happy to set up a time to talk with you privately, if there’s something I’m missing. And, again, I apologize if I’m making any incorrect assumptions.
The most important part of this situation is how you feel – about both him and the relationship.
You refer to him as “a beta male who has ADHD.” For me, the bigger question than whether or not you should kick him to the curb because he hasn’t proposed is whether this is a man with whom you’d like to spend the rest of your life.
In my experience, when women refer to men as “betas,” there is a level of disrespect for who the man is – as if he is somewhat “inferior” to a man who is more assertive. It’s also been my experience that women who refer to their men as “betas” see themselves as “alphas,” which usually means that they are very controlling and tend to be the ones making all of the decisions in the relationship. The more “alpha” the woman acts, the more beta the man appears, and the less likely he will be to step up, make decisions, and take the lead, as a way to avoid having their ideas criticized, contradicted, or dismissed.
The comment about him having ADHD also comes up a lot. Whether he’s been diagnosed officially by a medical practitioner or not (many of the women I work with self-diagnose their men), there are things about him and the way he acts, makes decisions, etc. that you may not agree with. While you may not agree with every decision he makes or how he goes about making them, for this relationship to work, it’s going to be important that you respect his ideas, thoughts, and decisions. In other words, it’s critical that you respect him and who he is as a man.
My clients have found that the moment they begin treating their man with respect and trusting in his capabilities to think, solve problems, and make wise decisions, the same man who once seemed passive, indecisive, or incapable begins to show up as a strong, determined, and confident (dare I say “alpha”) man!
So, my advice to you is to let go of the attachment to having the ring presented to you, and focus on whether this is a man with whom you can envision yourself with for the rest of your life. Is he the man who you can trust with your heart, who trust will be there to care for you, and who you will be proud to respect and honor until death do you part. If the answer to all of these questions is “Yes,” then step back from mentioning the ring and focus on being the woman he fell in love with and for whom he chose to design a custom-made ring. If after a month or two there is no mention of marriage, then you can let him know that you love him and that, for you to be happy, you need to be married. That for you, it’s more than just a formality – it’s what will make you happy.
If the answer to these questions is “No,” “I’m not sure,” or “Not yet,” then, again, let go of the idea of the ring and get clear about what you want. If it’s not him (exactly the way he is and exactly the way he’s not), then gently let him go and make room for the man who is perfect for you to find you!
I’m actually leading a group coaching call this Tuesday, June 11th on “How to Honor Your Desire to be Married Without Making Ultimatums.” If you’d like to learn more about how you can participate on the call, you can do so by clicking here.
Comments? Questions? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 8, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
How do you stay patient when you feel you are ready for love? I understand the importance of being unattached so that you can let a new love in, but I worry I will give off a desperate air when I go on dates or meet someone new because I feel ready for a relationship.
Let’s be honest, the reason most people date is because they want to be in a relationship. Sure, some people just don’t want to be alone, or they want to have fun, but the majority of people are dating in hopes of meeting the person who’s right for them.
So, how do you stay patient when you feel you are ready for love?
- Stay in the present moment.
When we feel we’re ready for love, it’s easy to allow ourselves to fast-forward into the future and imagine what it would be like if the guy sitting across from us is the one we’ll spend our lives with, especially if we like him! It’s easy to begin picturing what it would be like to be kissed by him, to travel with him, and to stand next to him on an altar.
While it’s great to hope and dream, when we’re not here, in the present, we can miss signs that perhaps this isn’t the best person for us. We also miss out on what’s happening here and now, so we don’t get to enjoy it. Next time you feel yourself wandering into the future that’s in your mind, bring yourself to the present by reminding yourself, “I’m sipping some great wine,” “We’re listening to excellent music,” “I’m having a great time.” Bring yourself back to the present and focus how you are feeling while on the date.
- Allow him to set the pace.
Too often, women will try to jump the gun or get the ball rolling by taking control of the budding relationship. They want to know where this is headed and whether or not they’re “wasting” their time. Often, this leads to being the pursuer, rather than the receiver in the relationship, which also puts the women in the undesirable role of risking rejection when she asks him out on a date or begins to badger and pressure him into expressing his feelings about her.
This robs a woman of the opportunity to see whether or not he wants to be with her. In short, she’ll always wonder whether he just agreed or disagreed with her, rather knowing that he chose to be with her because he wanted to, not because he felt pressured.
- Check in with yourself often.
It’s tempting while on a date to wonder whether or not he likes you, whether he’s going to ask you out on another date, and whether he’s having a good time getting to know you. However, rather than focusing all of your energy on him, bring your attention back to yourself. Do you like him? Do you want to go out with him again? How do you feel? Are you having fun? By focusing on yourself, you’ll avoid driving yourself crazy wondering about what’s going on over there with him!
If you stay present, let go of trying to control the pace of the relationship, and keep checking in with yourself to see how you are feeling, you won’t have to worry about giving off “a desperate air.” Instead, the energy you’ll be giving off is that of being confident, at peace, and open to the possibility of beomg pleasantly surprised!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 7, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I had this long distance “relationship”(?) with a man for the past year. We spoke over the phone, having marathon sessions nightly or every other night. 2 hours, 3 hours, it seemed like time disappeared.
I developed a crazy crush (not attractive for a woman over 49) and my heart raced and fluttered when speaking or being with him after about the first 3 weeks. That crush made me speak incessantly (or maybe that’s just me), be giddy and flirty and funny and basically filled with the joy of love.
On two instances he just disappeared and then after a few weeks would come back. At the start of this year, we went 3 months without speaking. No closure, no communication about it. He just disappeared and went silent; no return of voice mails, phone calls, texts…nothing.
Two weeks ago he left me this eloquent (or so I thought?) voice mail that he still loves and cares about me and to call him back if I want. Well, I called him back and he called me back two weeks later and the call went awful. I started off great and then out of my mouth I started rambling, babbling about what I was thinking, how I felt. I believe I told him his actions don’t match his words. How would I know he cares about me? That would be hard to tell…
I haven’t heard from him since.
I really want to reconnect with him. Sometimes I really miss him. I really felt I had a soul connection with this man, yet the heightened crush (which wasn’t even physical) caught me by surprise. I would love to at least to get some closure like two adults instead of beating myself up, feeling like something I did pushed him away, making myself wrong and blaming myself for knowing better than to allow my heightened crush to take my brain away and have me be giddy like a school girl and God knows what else?
Do you recommend I call him? Just leave it? Learn the lesson to be grounded next time? This has caused me such pain and feeling so thrown aside, disregarded, disrespected, and this man does not seem like that kind of man. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive.
It can be really frustrating when we’re getting to know someone and, all of a sudden, he disappears. It’s not that uncommon when dating, because, many times, people are seeing different people at the same time, so it may be that the person starts getting to know someone else with whom he’s exploring the possibility of being in a relationship with, and begin spending more time with her. It’s not “wrong.” Before there’s an actual commitment, it’s perfectly okay to be seeing several people at the same time (Note: I said it’s okay to date several people at the same time, not sleep with a bunch of people at the same time… BIG difference!).
Another theory is that some men, when they begin to feel really close to a woman, tend to pull away for a bit to get clear on what it is that they want. Relationship expert John Gray refers to this as “the rubber band effect,” and he says that, if a man is ready to commit, he’ll snap back stronger and more committed than ever.
From your email, it sounds like he would disappeared on and off throughout your friendship (notice how I did not call it “a relationship,” because, as my sister and business partner, Michelle always says: It isn’t a relationship… until it is).
Even after he reappeared this time, however, he disappeared again after your response and didn’t contact you for another two weeks. Since he’s not the one reaching out for advice or coaching, there’s nothing you can do to control whether or not he calls you or not, and I have no way of knowing why he’s choosing to do what he’s doing, I’m not going to focus on him. Instead, I invite you to take a look at yourself and ask yourself whether this is the kind of pattern you’re interested in continuing to allow and experience?
While I can’t be 100% sure from your email, it sounds as if this was the only guy you were getting to know, which means that you weren’t dating other people during the time that the two of you were speaking on the phone. I can tell you really liked him, and that you hoped it would to turn into something more “permanent,” but, when we stop seeing other people before a commitment is made, we cheat ourselves out of possibly allowing someone else – someone equally or even more wonderful – to enter our lives and give us the experience we do want to have in a relationship. That has us get attached to the person and it’s tempting to keep holding on, hoping that he will change, even when we’re unhappy.
You asked whether you should call him, just leave it, or learn the lesson to be grounded next time. My answers: No, yes, and yes.
I wouldn’t recommend calling him. I get that the last conversation you had didn’t go well. It sounds as if it the call was focused on making him “wrong” for not having called you. Granted, anyone would be tempted to find out why someone had just dropped out existence. However, when a guy reaches out again after some time, it’s usually because he’s been procrastinating having that “first call.” Why? Because most guys know it’s probably not going to go well, and they’d rather avoid the situation altogether!
Does that mean you shouldn’t have expressed how you were feeling? Not at all! If you think back and focus on what you were really feeling, chances are that 3 words would have communicated your feelings purely, without making him wrong. They are: I miss you. That’s it. Everything after that would be trying to get him to feel badly about what he did or didn’t do and telling him what he should or shouldn’t have done. All of that can be captured in three other words: nagging and complaining. And, ladies, men do not like, nor are they inspired to change by nagging!
So, my advice is that you let this go. That’s how you’ll get closure for yourself. Holding onto this situation and to him, beating yourself up, hoping that each time the phone rings or an email or text comes in it’s from him is not serving you.
Let it go.
Focus, not only on “the lesson” learned, but on all of the things for which you are grateful as a result of this friendship – all of the things you learned about yourself and what you want to experience in a relationship.
And then, open your heart again to allow the love of someone who is going to treat you with love and tenderness and give you all of the attention that you desire and deserve to come in!
Hope this helps! Let me know!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 6, 2013 | Dating, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
I have been dating someone for a month and a half. We spend a lot of time when we are together, but do not communicate often when we are apart, which makes me feel a bit sad! How do I communicate to him that talking on the phone, checking in throughout the week is important to me, so that he can reach out to me more often, without driving him away?
I really like the way you are focusing on how you can communicate what you would like, rather than on what he needs to or “should” do. This is a great start, because, too many times, whether it’s at the beginning of dating or even further into the relationship, we begin to set expectations and make demands of the guy that can, as you mention, drive him away.
The first thing to keep in mind is that the two of you are just dating right now, which means you’re just getting to know one another (you’re not “in a relationship”). It sounds like you are enjoying the time you get to spend with him, which tells me that he’s treating you well and you are having fun (two very important aspects of dating!).
I hear that it makes you sad when you don’t hear from him throughout the week, and, given that you enjoy spending time with him, it’s completely understandable that you’d want to continue speaking with and getting to know him, even when you’re apart. I noticed that you said that you don’t communicate “often” when you’re apart, which leads me to believe that there is some communication, just not as much as you’d like.
When we express what we want or prefer, I always like to encourage women to present it as “an invitation,” rather than “an obligation.” An invitation lets him know, “I love it when you call me,” I enjoy talking to you, even when we’re apart,” and “Thanks for calling me! I have another reason to smile today!”
Contrarily, an obligation says, “You should be calling me during the week,” “I don’t get why you just can’t pick up the phone for a few seconds, just to say ‘hi,’ or “Why can’t you call or check in with me during the week?” The problem with the obligation is that it’s nothing short of a complaint and the underlying message is: “You did something wrong,” or “You messed up…again!”
So, can we express what we want or prefer without making him wrong for not doing it as often as we’d like?
- Focus on what he is doing to please you and receive his time and attention graciously. Thank him when he does something that pleases you. Let him know he made you smile. Guys like to know that they have something to do with the smile on your face!
- Say what you like or prefer without making demands or ultimatums. Saying something like, “I like hearing from you when we’re apart,” or even more simply, “I love hearing your voice,” sends the message that it pleases you when he calls you. Again, you’re presenting him with an invitation to call you more often.
- Let go of expectations. Too often, we have an idea in our mind of what things “should” look like and what the other person should be doing or saying. However, this is just our opinion, or our way of thinking about and seeing things. Of course, you always want to make sure that you feel safe and treated well when you’re dating or in a relationship with someone. However, be open to the idea that his way of communicating or expressing his feelings may be different from yours, and remind yourself that “different” does not mean it’s bad or wrong. It’s simply different.
Hope this helps, and let me know how it goes!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | Jun 5, 2013 | breakups, Dating, Forgiveness, Gratitude, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
One of my favorite parts about the work that I do is being able to connect with and make a real difference for the people with whom I work. There really is nothing more rewarding to me than guiding a woman through her biggest fears, greatest blocks, and limiting beliefs, and having her come through more empowered and confident than ever, with the promise of her heart’s desires being fulfilled on the other side!
I don’t always get an opportunity to connect with everyone in our community on a personal level, but lately I’ve been trying to think of ways to create opportunities for more personal connections, where I can hear from and share with you on a more consistent basis.
Well, those of you who know me know that I don’t believe in coincidences, and that I do believe that everything that happens does so at the perfect time and for a specific reason. That’s why yesterday, when I read about a 30-Day Challenge yesterday, I got excited!
And the best part is YOU get to be part of it, too!
One of the groups I’m very proud to be part of is the Social Media Club of South Florida. The members are participating in a 30-Day Blogging Challenge during the month of June.
So, why is this exciting and how can you be part of it?
The 30-Day Blogging Challenge I participated in last year is what helped me to start blogging on a more consistent basis. I joined the group right before the last challenge began and it motivated me to create “Your Heart’s Desire Thought of the Day,” where, for 30 days, I blogged about a different dating and relationship topic each day. People enjoyed it, I loved reading and responding to the comments, and, when the challenge ended, I had several requests to continue with the daily messages (If you were one of those people, consider this your request being granted!).
Another reason I’m so excited is because I’ll be doing things a little differently this time. Instead of me coming up with the 30 topics I’ll be blogging about, this time, I will be answering your questions about love, dating, and relationships! That’s right! All you have to do is ask me a question via email or our Facebook page, and I will answer your question in one of the blog posts during the month of June! Your name will be kept confidential on the blog post, and you’ll have the opportunity to have some of your burning questions answered!
Here’s all you need to do:
- Type the words “Burning Question” in the subject line of your email or in your Facebook comment.
- Send your question via email to gladys@heartsdesireintl.com or post your question on our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/heartsdesireintl.
- Once the question gets answered, I’ll send you an email or Facebook message letting you know that your question’s been answered on Heart’s Desire’s blog.
That’s it!
Now, I really need your help, because today is June 5th, and the challenge began on June 1st! Believing that it’s never too late for anything wonderful to happen (in life or relationships!), I want to get started right away – as in tomorrow, June 6th! So, if you have a question (or 2… or 3) that you’d like answered, just send me an email or go to our Facebook page and ask it NOW! And, please don’t wait to see if someone else asks first. I need to answer 30 questions in 30 days and I want yours to be one of them.
Just send me any questions you have about:
- dating
- love
- sex
- relationships
- parenting
- romance
- marriage
- breakups
- avoiding divorce
- intimacy
- any other burning questions you have
So, go ahead! Make my day and partner with me to make this next 30 days ones that make a huge difference for you and the thousands of others people who are going to benefit from reading the answer to your question!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
by heartsdesireintl | May 30, 2013 | Dating, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance, Success
by Gladys Diaz
Last week, I had the privilege of attending the seventh Women’s Success Summit in Miami, FL. Heart’s Desire has been a Partner since the first Summit for several reasons. One is because its founder, Michelle Villalobos, is not only a trusted mentor and friend, but she’s one of our happiest clients, having met her wonderful boyfriend after attending our workshops! Aside from our love and admiration of Michelle, the networking opportunities, connections we’ve made (both personally and professionally), and the incredible content we’ve received over the years has helped us to grow our business both locally and abroad.
I’m a people person, so the opportunity to see and spend time with my friends, colleagues, and some of my clients is something I always look forward to. I have to say, however, that there’s something special about being introduced to someone by having the person say something like,“This is my dating coaching. She’s the one who’s teaching me how to love dating again,” or “This is Gladys, the one who helped me attract my amazing boyfriend into my life.” Perhaps my favorite moment was when a woman came up to me and said, “You probably don’t remember me, but I took your workshop last year, and I just wanted to thank you, because, thanks to giving up the checklist, I met a wonderful man and we’re getting married!” The next day, I had the pleasure of meeting her fiancé who is moving across the country to marry and spend his life with her! How does it get any better than that?
I had a great conversation with group of ladies about how something magical happens when women come together for a common purpose. Everyone who attends the Women’s Success Summit is there for a different reason, but we do all share something in common: We have a dream and that dream includes having a great business or career where we can do what we love and make a real difference in the world at the same time! And that’s why we choose to attend an event where we know we’re going to be inspired, informed, and connected with other women who are on a similar path. During the event, and as we create new business opportunities and refer one another to potential partners and clients, we also support, encourage, and celebrate one another’s successes!
So, what does all of this have to do with you, your dating life and romantic relationships?
It all goes back to a saying I used to hear a lot when growing up:
“Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are.”
The people with whom you associate, to whom you listen, and who you emulate have a direct impact on you and the results you create in your relationships. Surrounding yourself with other women who are as committed as you are to creating loving and fulfilling relationships is crucial to helping you create new beliefs and habits that will lead to you having the type of relationship you want to experience.
When I began practicing the principles I now teach, I would meet with a small group of women who were all practicing the same principles in their lives and relationships. We’d meet in person and on the phone and listen to one another vent, remind each other what it was we were committed to creating and having in our lives, and celebrate our victories and breakthroughs. Now, years later, we are still there for one another, sharing in our lives and encouraging each other to have the loving, passionate relationships we have always dreamed of.
Think about the women with whom you are surrounding yourself. Are they committed to creating healthy, loving, lasting relationships or are do you all participate in male-bashing and discussing how there aren’t any good men out there? Do they encourage you to step beyond your comfort zone and practice new habits in order to experience new results, or do they criticize your attempts to have a new experience in dating and in your relationships? Do you feel uplifted and inspired after speaking with them, or do you feel like you’ve just spent time with an energy and hope vampire? Is there a woman in your life who is happily married to whom you can turn for advice and encouragement? And are you working with a coach or mentor who is not only giving you “good advice,” but whose life and relationship reflects the results of the practices he or she is teaching?
If it’s true that you are a reflection of the five people with whom you spend the most time, can you say that you are surrounding yourself with people who are up to creating and living in the types of relationships that you admire and wish to have. If not, it’s okay. You don’t have to get rid of all of your friends, but think about bringing some new people into your life who will set you on the path of actually experiencing the life and love your heart desires!
And, of course, it goes without saying, you can always reach out to me!
Questions? Comments? Let us know! We love hearing from you!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
