by heartsdesireintl | Jun 29, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Intimacy, Love, Marriage, Money Issues, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
My partner doesn’t understand money and spends it recklessly. I’m afraid we’re going to end up in the poorhouse. We can’t even bring the subject up because it immediately leads to a fight.
Ask anyone what one of the top reasons for divorce is, and they will probably say, “Money.” Contrary to public opinion – and even studies – I disagree. I don’t believe that money is the main reason people get divorced. It’s how people relate to one another when it comes to money that leads to the arguments, blame, and resentment that ultimately leads many couples to divorce one another.
So what are some of the factors that lead to having “money problems” inside of romantic relationships?
- Keeping “money secrets.” One of the reasons people have trouble when it comes to money and relationships is that, many times, they don’t discuss money issues prior to joining their lives, and, consequently, their finances. I’ve had clients who, because they are in a lot of debt feel as sense of shame around their situation, are afraid that it could cost them being in a relationship with someone they love. Hence, they’ll avoid bringing up the topic of finances until after marriage.
Granted, when we are getting to know someone, we always try to present ourselves in the most positive light. But, once you begin getting closer and consider spending your life with someone, it’s important to be honest about those issues that can potentially impact the other person. While it’s natural to be afraid when you’re unsure of how a person will react to learning something about you that’s not wonderful and exciting, it’s also important to have trust in a relationship and that begins with being truthful.
- Being afraid to join finances. Another common money issue I’ve seen come is the unwillingness of one or both of the people to join finances when they join their lives – and I’m not even talking about those that start our their marriages with a prenuptial agreement that protects them just in case the marriage comes to an end (which is a whole other blog post!). I’m referring to the fear of giving up “what’s mine” in order to begin to create “what’s ours.”
When I coach women in this area, I remind them that the real issue is not whether or not they actually join their finances with their husband, it’s dealing with the fear that has them belief that this is unsafe or that he will someone take advantage of or not provide for her needs. That is a much deeper issue than whether or not you go to the bank and open a joint checking or savings account. And, while this is a topic that calls for more coaching than I can do via this blog post, I will say that, once the fears are addressed, the woman begins to experience freedom around finances and to enjoy a very deep level of intimacy with her husband.
- The unwillingness to compromise. Before we get married, each of us has a certain way of doing things. We have a system for paying our bills on time, managing our checkbook, and tracking our spending (or not). When we get married, chances are that our new spouse also has his own way of doing these things and there’s a very good chance that it’s going to be different than our way. Coming to the conversation ready to prove that you’re right and he’s wrong is only going to have both of your defenses up. Here’s where the willingness to compromise and consider that maybe – just maybe – there is another way to do things. Being willing to accept that different doesn’t mean “wrong,” will go a long way toward avoiding those arguments you mentioned in your email.
Going back to your original question, you mention that your partner is spending money “recklessly.” Can you see how there is already a judgment that how he spends and manages money is “wrong”? For men, who have a natural desire to provide for and please women, this also sends the message that you don’t trust him to be responsible and care for you.
A better way to approach this may be just letting him know what you would like, instead of what you think he should do. For instance, letting him know that you’d really like to buy a home, go on vacation, or put money aside for retirement or an emergency fund will probably land a little bit better than pointing out all the ways he’s being irresponsible or reckless with money. Letting him know that you trust him could ignite his natural tendency to want to provide for and please you. At the very least there won’t be any accusations for him to defend himself against, which means it’s likely the conversation won’t turn into an argument.
Money issues can bring out the best and worst in people. However, the willingness to communicate, trust, and compromise are essential to creating both emotional and financial intimacy in a relationship!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 26, 2013 | breakups, Communication, Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Infidelity, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
For the past four weeks, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy who acted so serious and told me to stop seeing other guys. He would get mad if he came to my house and I was not around. Two days ago, I checked his phone and found out a girl is presently pregnant by him. I asked him to explain and he said he couldn’t and started blaming me for touching his phone, so I left. He hasn’t called me since I left his house. I won’t call him again, but do you think I did the right thing?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read your email was “What had you want to check his phone?” Could it have been your intuition?
In working with women, I often hear that they feel that they can’t trust their intuition, because “it’s broken.” They refer to examples of times when they were suddenly surprised by infidelity or discovering an addiction or physically abusive tendencies in their boyfriends or husbands, or realizing that they guy just wasn’t the right man for them. Upon speaking with the women a little more at length, we discover that many of the signs had been there all along. They just chose to ignore the red flags so that they wouldn’t have to make the choice to leave. Usually, the choice to ignore red flags and alarms that may be going off is based on fear and not wanting to recognize that the relationship is not really what we want, so that we don’t have to make the choice to walk away.
Here are some questions I invite you to ask yourself so that you can have more clarity about what happened and what it is that you want, moving forward:
- You mentioned that you’ve been in a relationship with this man for four weeks. How long did you date him before you chose to become exclusive?
- Did you give yourself an opportunity to get to know him well before choosing to stop seeing other men?
- How did it make you feel when he got angry if you weren’t home? Did you feel safe? …afraid? Did you take it as a positive sign?
- And, finally, do you want him to call you back knowing that he is about to have a baby with someone else and did not tell you about it? If so, why is that?
There’s nothing “wrong” with him having a baby with someone else if they are no longer together. I think that may have you feeling upset is that he did not tell you about this. Another question you may want to ask yourself is whether a new baby being in the picture is something you feel you are ready and willing to deal with to deal with so this early in a relationship?
You ask whether I think that you did the right thing. If you’re referring to looking through his phone, I have to say “no,” because that was not respectful of his privacy. However, I think the bigger question is why you felt compelled to look through his phone in the first place. That may give you the answer that will make the biggest difference for you, moving forward.
If you’re referring to whether or not you made a good choice by leaving and not calling him back, I do believe that those were good choices you made if you felt unsafe in any way or if the conversation was turning into an argument. Sometimes, it’s best to walk away and take some time to gain clarity about how you feel and what it is you want so that you can make a choice that empowers you and is aligned with what your heart desires.
I invite you to the time to ask yourself the questions above so that you can get the closure you want for yourself. And, of course, free to reach out to me if you’d like some additional support in working through this.
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 24, 2013 | Communication, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
When does asking turn into nagging?
I often invite my husband to speak to the ladies who attend my training sessions, just so that he can share what it’s like to be in a relationship on the receiving end of the principles that I teach. About 99% of the time you can count on someone asking him, “What can I do to get my husband to help me?”
His answer: “Don’t nag him about it.”
I think it’s tempting to think that if we remind a man about what we said we wanted or needed, what he said he’d do, and the promises we made him make that he will somehow, suddenly, be inspired to do it. What I’ve found, however, is that you’d be hard-pressed to find a single man on this planet who has ever been inspired to do something because he was nagged to do it.
Now, this doesn’t mean that men won’t give in, just so that the nagging will stop. Many will. Why? Well, another golden nugget of information my husband has shared is this:
Men don’t like drama. Mostly, they just want to have peace – peace of mind, peace in their homes, and peace in their relationships. They’ll do it, not because the nagging was effective, but because they are more interested in having the nagging stop than they are to having to sit there and listen to it again. What this does is it cheats us out of having him do something because he wants to, instead of because he feels he has to in order to avoid the nagging and bickering.
So, how can we let our men know what we want and would like, instead of nagging them to death?
- Be clear about what you want (or don’t want). Unless you know what you want, it’s hard to express that to someone else. So, rather than focusing on what you think he should do, just focus on the end result. For example, if what you’d like is to go out, instead of staying home, rather than nagging him about never taking you out by saying something like, “I’d really like to go out this weekend.” Instead of nagging him to paint the living room again, say something like, “I’d really like to finish redecorating the living room.”
- Stay focused on you not on what you want him to do. Use statements that begin with the phrases, “I want…,” “I don’t want…,” “I prefer…” For example, you could say things like, “I want to cook my favorite desert, but I don’t want to wash the dishes” or, “I want to go dancing, but I don’t want to stay out too late. “ Each of these statements keep you focused on you, rather than on what you want him to do.
- Remember that men love to please women. Almost nothing makes a man as happy as know that he has something to do with how happy the woman he loves is. If you can remember that men love to please women, then you can present what you’d like as an invitation, instead of an obligation. In other words, if you express what you’d like purely, free from expectations or judgments about how and by when it must be done, he’ll be more inclined to want to help you because you haven’t treated him like a child or given him orders about what he needs to do.
When we remember to focus on what we want, and express that desire in a way that invites him to help and please us, he gets the pleasure of not being nagged all the time and we get the pleasure of having our desires fulfilled! Sounds like a win-win to me!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 24, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, heartache, Loss of a Spouse, Love, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Romance
by Gladys Diaz
My wonderful, sexy, amazingly funny, husband died last year from heart complications following open heart surgery. He was in the hospital for the last three months of his life. When do you know to give your heart to that someone, especially if you have been grieving for almost a year? If, he says “I love you,” how do you tell him not to say that to you for a while, and how to say it without hurting his feelings?
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Having been widowed myself, I know that there are so many mixed feelings that come with having lost the man you loved and considering when it’s time to begin moving forward again.
I remember feeling like part of me died with my late husband. All of the dreams and plans we’d made for our future were no longer possible once he was gone. I felt lost, afraid, and seriously wondered whether I would ever find that kind of happiness again with another person. Part of me wanted to move forward and allow myself to feel happiness again. Part of me was angry and upset, wondering why this had happened to me at such a young age. And another part of me wondered if I’d have to just settle for someone who made me feel “kind of happy,” “sort of loved,” and “somewhat ready” to move forward.
I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t feel 100% ready to fall in-love with someone new when I met Ric. I was still grieving. There were more better days than when my husband first passed away, but there were also still some days where the sadness and loneliness overwhelmed me. I wasn’t looking to find someone new, but I was willing to open up to the idea of at least feeling some happiness again.
When I did meet and started going out with my husband, I felt a little guilty about feeling so happy again, and I was also terrified that I’d have my heart broken. I wanted to know how things were going to turn out before I invested my heart. I also wasn’t sure how to respond to the love that he was so openly sending my way.
I decided one day that I could be scared and uncertain and still allow myself the permission to be happy and see where things would go with him.
He shared his love for me first, and I remember thinking, “I really thought I’d never hear those words again, and here they are!” And when I shared my love for him, I remember thinking, “I never thought I’d feel this way or speak those words again, and here I am!” It was a wonderful, amazing feeling to know that it was actually possible for me to receive and give love and to feel happiness again.
You ask when you should give your heart to someone new. The truth is that only you will know when you are willing to do that. You may not feel “ready,” but if you feel willing to do it – to take a chance and give yourself to permission to feel joy and love again – then it’s going to take some courage, but you can do it. You just have to let yourself open up and let that love in.
You also ask how to tell him not to say that he loves you for a while without hurting his feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to him to tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. You can, however, tell him what you’d prefer. Let him know how it makes you feel when he says that he loves you, thank him for his love and how it makes you feel to be loved, and let him know that you need a little more time before you feel ready to respond. That way, you’re acknowledging his feelings for you and letting him know that this is about you not feeling ready to respond in kind, rather than telling him how he should feel or what he should or shouldn’t say.
And I invite you to just spend a little time with you, asking yourself how you feel about him. Acknowledge any fears that may be standing in your way and blocking you from allowing yourself to give or receive love from this man. Are you willing to give yourself permission to live and love again?
Remind yourself that giving yourself permission to laugh, love, and live again do not in any way diminish or discredit the love you and your husband shared. It’s just a new season in your life. And, if the man you are seeing now is a good man who gives you the experience of feeling loved, cherished, and cared for, then why would you deny yourself those feelings?
You have an opportunity to experience love more than once in a lifetime! I invite you to allow for the possibility that your happiness honors the love you and your husband shared as well as honoring your own desires to live life having the experience of loving and being loved!
Comments? Questions? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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by heartsdesireintl | Jun 23, 2013 | Dating, HDI Blog, Heart's Desire International, Love, Relationship Advice
by Gladys Diaz
Firstly, thank you for giving your time to answer many people’s personal questions.
My question is regarding “long distance dating.” I met a great guy about 6 weeks ago in my home town while he was here for a family event. I haven’t met anyone and felt such chemistry as I did with him in a long while. And he expressed feeling the same towards me.
Since then, we have kept in contact via email. He sends me the loveliest emails, asking me in-depth questions about my interests, family etc. and shares his own stories with me. He has even described the date he wishes to take me on, which would require him having to fly to my city and take me out here. He is finishing his degree at the moment, and he’s just picked up a full-time job in order to fund such a date, which is definitely a step in the right direction. So, no problems as of yet.
My question is though: What advice would you give to someone like me, that’s trying to get to know someone via email? How do you keep the interest going, with the aim of getting a face-to-face date priority?
First of all, congratulations on meeting what sounds like a really nice guy! He seems to be showing interest in getting to know you, and the fact that he’s mentioned that he wants to fly out and take you on a date is very sweet!
My first question would be to ask whether you are seeing or going out with anyone else. Although you are both taking the time to get to know one another, unless he’s asked you if you’d like to date exclusively or be his girlfriend, this phase would be just about getting to know one another better. Seeing other people will help you to avoid getting too attached to him before you’re actually in a relationship, while also keeping open the possibilities of meeting another wonderful man! That’s the beauty of dating: That we get to know lots of wonderful men and then choose the one we’d like to spend more time with (maybe even a lifetime!).
I hear you saying that most of the communications you have are via email. Some practical tips would be to also have some conversations on the phone or via Facetime, Skype, or another way that you can video chat. At least this way you are able to hear and see one another as you interact. While it may not be the same thing as spending time with one another in person, you’ll have the opportunity to observe and respond to each other’s facial expressions and see each other smile! This can make the interactions seem much more personal than email.
Regarding how to continue getting to know him and keep the interest going, just keep being who you’ve been being. He’s obviously showing interest in you and he’s taking the necessary steps to see you. Don’t think that you need to “do” anything to keep him interested. Who you are is more than enough, and, if you allow the relationship to unfold naturally, at its own pace, then you won’t have to worry about whether it was because you forced it. Instead, you’ll know that it progressed naturally and that he’s with you because he wants to be, not because of anything that you did or didn’t do to try to keep him interested in you.
I can tell you like him and want to spend more time with him. If he really does plan and carry out that face-to-face date, it is going to be a much sweeter and romantic experience if you just leave things up to him and let him be the one figuring out what he needs to do to see and spend time with you!
So, definitely keep getting to know him. Long-distance dating does have its unique set of challenges because you don’t get to spend as much in-person time together. However, I have several clients who are very happily engaged or married to men who were willing to move across the country and even to an entirely new country in order to be with them! So I know it can lead to lasting love!
If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. But, in the meantime – until it is actually a relationship – be open to seeing and getting to know other men so that you can be sure about who it is that you want to choose to be Mr. Right-for-You!
Questions? Comments? Let us know below! We love hearing from you!
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